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#247970 - 09/03/08 12:02 AM Survivors - were any of your moms like this?
Brokenhearted Offline
Member

Registered: 08/07/06
Posts: 644
Loc: TX
Hi all,

Survivors, I am particularly curious as to whether any of you had a mom (or primary caretaker) with these qualities:

http://www.geocities.com/zpg1957/narcissists.htm

http://www.halcyon.com/mashmun/npd/six.html

http://holywatersalt.blogspot.com/2008/04/narcissistic-mothers.html

Thanks -

_________________________
Brokenhearted

It were better for him that a millstone were hanged around his neck, and he cast into the sea, than that he should offend one of these little ones.
Luke 17:2

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#247987 - 09/03/08 01:30 AM Re: Survivors - were any of your moms like this? [Re: Brokenhearted]
pufferfish Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6875
Loc: USA
Yes, Brokenhearted

My mother had many narcissistic traits. Many similar to those described on these links. She was more complicated than that. I believe she had DID. So it was only some of her that was narcissistic. In other ways she was highly paranoid. Whenever I got abused (outside the home) somehow she was involved in manufacturing the situation. But yet she was never involved directly. Only circumstantially. She was a very difficult person.

I have written more elsewhere but it is late and I must get some rest.

Puffer


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#248009 - 09/03/08 11:19 AM Re: Survivors - were any of your moms like this? [Re: pufferfish]
pufferfish Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6875
Loc: USA
Brokenhearted

re narcissistic moms

There are at least 4 of us that I know of including myself here at MS.

Why are you asking? Where are you going with it?

Puffer

Growing up with a difficult mom is a truly daunting task.




Edited by pufferfish (09/03/08 12:20 PM)

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#248053 - 09/03/08 05:11 PM Re: Survivors - were any of your moms like this? [Re: pufferfish]
Brokenhearted Offline
Member

Registered: 08/07/06
Posts: 644
Loc: TX
I just realized my H has many N traits, and I was reading about where they can come from, usually being raised by a very N mother. I emailed him the list of a N mom's traits to him to see if any of it rings a bell. I am hoping he will see for the first time that many of things he wrongly suspects of me (e.g. manipulation) actually were done to him by his mom, therefore he assumes all women do that. Like I said, I'm HOPING.

It might start some insight for him. I for one didn't realize some things my parents did to me that were abusive until I read about it or was told by my T. It was eye-opening and a beginning of understanding for me.

_________________________
Brokenhearted

It were better for him that a millstone were hanged around his neck, and he cast into the sea, than that he should offend one of these little ones.
Luke 17:2

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#248138 - 09/04/08 11:07 AM Re: Survivors - were any of your moms like this? [Re: Brokenhearted]
pufferfish Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6875
Loc: USA
Originally Posted By: Brokenhearted
I just realized my H has many N traits, and I was reading about where they can come from, usually being raised by a very N mother.


Dear Brokenhearted,

I have done quite a bit of studying about narcissistic people because it helps me to get my own mind straightened out about my own mom.

But I'm afraid I have to disagree with you as to the origin of N in children. Usually in our culture narcissistic moms produce broken children. Children who have N moms never get their own needs met (or minimally so). They never feel very good about themselves because they were always told that they were unimportant. Narcissistic moms let their children be abused. My mom bought herself a very expensive coat when I was a little boy. I wore the same little coat for several years until the sleeve was about 4 inches too short. I have seen this in pictures. I could go on and on.

This is true of me. My mom was heavy on narcissism but I am almost the opposite. I have been given several personality tests and they never say that I am narcissistic.

In royal families it is possible for narcissistic parents to have narcissistic children because their children are really brought up with the help of others. But we usually don't have that set of circumstances here.

We have lots of narcissistic persons in positions of power and prestige in the USA. We seem to like them in our movies and political parties. But they are largely incapable of being unselfish. Narcissistic mothers do not make good moms. They destroy their children.

In the movie Snowwhite, the queen is narcissistic. She never questions her own rightness or her own value.

puffer


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#248142 - 09/04/08 12:06 PM Re: Survivors - were any of your moms like this? [Re: pufferfish]
Brokenhearted Offline
Member

Registered: 08/07/06
Posts: 644
Loc: TX
Puffer,

Thank you for opening my eyes further. I find all this learning fascinating and helpful.

You are right...my own parents had some N traits, too, but they were not so manipulative as to hide their disappointment in me. So I turned out w/ low self-esteem myself, not a N. I was not "built up" in their eyes when I did everything "right" that they told me to do; rather, I was torn down verbally/physically/emotionally when I did not do things perfectly in order w/ their agendas.

However, it seems to me that in that article/list, it tells how insidiously conniving a N mother can be, so as to hide her abuse of her children and instead make it look more like she is being helpful or educating or what-have-you, so the child does not *feel* as though it is abusive, even though it really is because it takes away his individual will to be his own person with his own opinions and preferences, etc. Maybe that is more according to a true totally NPD/sociopathic(?) mom. I know NPD and sociopathy are cousins.

Think about it; it's almost like a grooming pedophile (makes abuse look ok) vs. one that attacks in an *obviously* wrong way.

I think that might be a crucial difference. If abuse from a narcissistic parent is "sheep in wolf's clothing" enough, the child will not feel he has been abused and therefore may absorb more of those behaviors himself. I was aware enough that some treatment by my N parents was abusive - some was insidious but a lot was obviously cruel - so I knew there was something wrong in treating people that way and I didn't want to treat others the same way.

I agree that so many celebrities are N.

Please keep your knowledge of this subject coming, as I am just starting to understand more about N and how it relates to my H and his own upbringing. E.g. when I cry or am sad, it irritates my H. His own mom cries to get his attention - it is only a manipulative ploy. So now I see, no wonder it irritates him when I seemingly act the same way, though without her ulterior motives. He needs to know that not all women are like his mom. Otherwise he will keep (projecting? is that the right word?) her behavior onto me and assume I am all sorts of bad things that I am not.

Thanks again,

_________________________
Brokenhearted

It were better for him that a millstone were hanged around his neck, and he cast into the sea, than that he should offend one of these little ones.
Luke 17:2

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