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#248057 - 09/03/08 06:14 PM Please: Tell me I'm crazy!
KENKEN Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/25/07
Posts: 762
Loc: NOTHERN COLORADO
Just an update, sort of, regarding the confrontation with my perp. brother that took place on August 24th.

Its kind of like: the good, the bad and the ugly. Least that is the way my emotions are feeling as I write this post.

The Good: I confronted my brother and told him everything I wanted to say to him. I wrote and rewrote many letters. In the end, I feel like "mission accomplished"

The Bad: I have had no contact with any of my siblings, all 6 of them, since August 24th. No phone calls, no emails, no nothing. This one part/feeling inside of me is that of sadness and a very lonelly feeling. It has given me so many second thoughts if I indeed did the right thing. Why did I work so hard on ruining others lives just so I could feel good inside? I have such a feeling of guilt and shame for hurting my entire family.

The Ugly: As I said above, one part of me feels like The Bad. But then another part, the emotional part, feels like PEACE with myself. Dammit, I am so confused.

How can I feel PEACEFUL about losing my entire family. How can I feel at Peace with causing so many people so much hurt?

I really think I am Crazy!! How can I feel all these emotions at the same time? I almost feel like 3 different people in the same body. I don't understand, I can't comprehend my present emotions and feelings. I feel lost. I feel: crap, I don't know how I feel.

Thanks for listening

Ken

_________________________
I AM A GOOD PERSON, I AM A GOOD MAN

From the Movie: Antwone Fisher

***WOR ALUMNI SEQUOIA MARCH 2008***

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#248059 - 09/03/08 06:48 PM Re: Please: Tell me I'm crazy! [Re: KENKEN]
onlyakid Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/31/04
Posts: 1552
Loc: New Jersey
Ken,
What you did was the right thing, what your brother did to you is wrong. I'm thinking that your family is probably in denial or shock. It was a real shock to my mother when I told her about my brother abusing me. At first she tried to blow it off as just experimentation but she took me at my word that it wasn't.

Give them time, they will come around. You are not alone, you have all of us here at MS.

Jason

_________________________
"Being with people that understand you...Priceless"

"and i don't want the world to see me, cause i don't think that they'd understand"

"You don't know what love is...you just do as your told"

"My life has changed. What you take as a simple thing, is not so simple for me anymore"


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#248068 - 09/03/08 07:24 PM Re: Please: Tell me I'm crazy! [Re: onlyakid]
kutcher Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/16/08
Posts: 99
Loc: Delaware
Ken,

You were right in doing what you need to do. You brother was wrong way wrong, although my brother did not sexually abuse me he did so physically and emotionally until I realized even though he was bigger I could fight back, nothing felt better, but yet I felt guilty because then my Mom would freak out on us for fighting.

I wish I would confront my perp, but there is no way I could now.

You hang in there, for years people told me I was the crazy one but they were wrong I was the hurt one and they were crazy for denying it or blowing off my pain.

Your Friend

Dave


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#248072 - 09/03/08 07:35 PM Re: Please: Tell me I'm crazy! [Re: KENKEN]
Tinman Offline


Registered: 05/30/08
Posts: 359
Loc: Lake Forest, CA
Ken, you are not crazy. What you are feeling is a natural reaction to a major event in your life.

And I can tell you this with certainty: You did not ruin anyone's life. You did not ruin your brother's life. HE RUINED YOURS! It may FEEL like you did at the moment, but it is not the truth. He did this to himself when he violated you. Guilt is a nasty thing with survivors. We have spent our entire lives feeling guilty for something we had no reason to be guilty for. It's the thought process that you did something bad, and it rears it's head again here. In both cases, you have nothing to feel guilty about.

The denial and/or shock mentioned above is also natural. My brother did not speak to me for nearly a year after I disclosed my abuse. But we are now closer than ever. Give it time.

What you did was very, very brave. And what you did was very, very important, perhaps one of the most important things you could ever do. You turned on the perpetrator and basically said "I'm done feeling guilty about what you did to me and I am tired of keeping silent. Now those two things are on you!"

Go easy on yourself. Treat yourself to something to reward yourself for you courage. You deserve it.

_________________________
Tinman
"I finally have my heart!"

To the perps: Don't worry about me coming after you. But you damn well better watch out for God! "Vengeance is mine", saith the Lord

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