Does anyone else feel as if their mind is a puzzle?
I've been taking a break from men ever since I broke up with my boyfriend in early April. I posted here when we first met, and I should have listened to all of you when you warned me he was no good. He was my first boyfriend. He's eight years older than I am, much taller, much bigger, and an unstable asshole. The way he treated me continues to hurt my pride. I can't stop thinking about it.
I've trying to understand why I was with him. I know that the fault is my own. I'm young, attractive, intelligent. A lot of men are interested in me. I have my pick, yet I choose the worst of the worst. I thought I was over that. But last week, I was reminded again of my questionable taste.
I went to one bar. I talked for awhile with a guy who was a few years younger than I am. He was nice, smart, handsome. I just didn't feel anything. Worse, I found him irritating. I don't even know why. I went out for a cigarette, disappeared for half an hour with a friend, then quickly hopped to another bar.
As soon as I arrived, a young, muscular, Australian, businessman started talking to me. He was jumpy, hyper and seemed a little out of it, but I really liked him. After he staggered away, I asked my friends what they thought of him. They were all in consensus that he was probably on coke.
To further complicate matters, I've developed a crush on a woman in my office. I got transferred to a new department two weeks ago. She's thirty eight. I'm twenty-six. She has a boyfriend. She's very beautiful. I have fun flirting with her and look forward to seeing her everyday. Oddly, she's a deadringer for a lesbian I had a major crush on awhile back. She's older, but both are tall, very thin, light-skinned African Americans. They act somewhat similar: funny, playfully self-absorbed, raunchy, maternal. As with my earlier crush, it seems to be a dead end.
Why do I like what I like? Even I realize that my choices are bizarre. Is it possible to figure out? If so, is it possible to change how I feel?
I have a theory. Following the two years of sexual abuse by a teacher, I stopped talking almost completely for a decade, or so. I was eighteen when I first developed social skills. I immediately developed an attraction for two men. One was vaguely feminine, emotionally aloof, yet gentle to me in an almost motherly way. I never felt as if I was good enough for him. He probably encouraged that sentiment. He liked me. But I wasn't mentally ready at all. I think he sensed that. The other was unstable, moody, masculine and physically much bigger than me. I ended up with neither, but the ones I like seem to fall into one of these two categories.
More so, these two types resemble the personalities of the most important figures in my life: mom and dad. My mother is emotionally distant. She's instilled in all her children the notion that they aren't good enough. She never compliments us on anything we do. We're always trying to impress her. She's an alcoholic, yet, in her damaged way, she cherishes her role as mother. I remember always lying on her lap when I was very young. My father is eccentric, unstable and constantly depressed. Many of my childhood thoughts were focused on wanting to help him.
It may only be a coincidence. I'm simply trying to work things out. My mind and my sexuality got so fucked up by those two years of rape. Is my brain still caught in an early stage of development? Love, after all, must stem from our relationship with our parents. Maybe, due to the trauma, I never grew beyond that. On the other hand, everyone is attracted to their parents on some level. I doubt even Sigmund Freud could give me an answer.
Anyway, I'm going to go back to my thinking. Do any of you find obsessing helpful? I don't know if it is for me, but like any good puzzle, it passes the time.
During my self-imposed isolation, I worked on a poem. I posted it here a few days ago. There's a link below.http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=247377&page=1#Post247377