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#247617 - 08/31/08 09:59 PM Being alone
Dude. Offline
Guest

Registered: 01/26/08
Posts: 106
Loc: USA
Now that I have come forward and realized what happened to me as a kid, I have many questions.

I have been a "loner" all of my life. I have never trusted anyone.

I have always thought people are out to hurt me and take advantage of me. The thing about this is, this not a "normal" thought process. It has taken me many years to realize this.

My way of thinking has cost me my wife, and my son.

I have spent many years drinking away what happened to me when I was 4.

I'm trying so hard to change the way I perceive life and people.

It's not getting better.

Is it the drinking or being sexually abused, or both?



Edited by Dude. (08/31/08 09:59 PM)

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#247619 - 08/31/08 10:14 PM Re: Being alone [Re: Dude.]
FLRich Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/21/04
Posts: 1404
Dude,

I can so totally relate, man. Ditto everything you just wrote, except change the abuse age to 8.

I began drinking after I was raped at 16. I have been pretty much drinking ever since.

The loner part gets me though, I hate being alone, since the divorce, but I also find comfort in being alone, when no one is bothering me.

THAT is the perception problem I have....people seem to bother me, or I think they may, so it is easier to be alone.

You are totally correct in that this is not the 'normal thought process' or way to perceive life. We have to work on this, and I am trying. I hope you continue to try, also. Therapy helps, but it isn't everything.


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#247622 - 08/31/08 10:26 PM Re: Being alone [Re: FLRich]
Dude. Offline
Guest

Registered: 01/26/08
Posts: 106
Loc: USA
Thanks for the reply.

Is it a "comfort" thing? Meaning not trusting anyone and choosing to be alone?

My life has hit me hard over the 18 months.

And it all comes from what happened to me as a kid.


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#247624 - 08/31/08 10:34 PM Re: Being alone [Re: Dude.]
FLRich Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/21/04
Posts: 1404
Dude,

I think perhaps I am lazy. I think it is easier for me to just be alone than it is to find decent people to be with. I like to think that most people are decent, and therefore easy to meet.

When I was a kid, I had 'friends' as long as I put out and allowed them to take advantage of me. As soon as they were finished with me, they left. I was at once, both relieved they were gone, but also, sad that I was alone. I eventually built up an invisible fence around myself and allowed very few people in.

I have done this for so long until I think it is 'just my nature' now. I do have friends here that are encouraging me to branch out and meet some 'normal' people. I think it is about time. I ain't gettin' any younger! LOL

You are correct, though, in that it does have something to do with your abuse when you were younger. How could being sexually abused as a child, during your formative years, not have an effect on your perception of the world and the people living in that world?


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#247636 - 08/31/08 11:28 PM Re: Being alone [Re: FLRich]
EGL Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 06/19/04
Posts: 7821
Dude, I think it can be a combination of the drinking and the abuse, and everything else that could be factored into that. I do think that the loner aspect is something common to so many men who have experienced abuse in childhood. The abuse shaped so much of our personality that is would be unrealistic to think that any child could go through that and not come out the other side with some scars from the process.

Have you been seeing a therapist to help work through some of this stuff? The one thing I've found in my own case that repairing ourselves is really not a do-it-yourself project. A good therapist can really help us dig and get at the inner issues that are causing so many problems from all this.

_________________________
Eddie

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#247638 - 08/31/08 11:36 PM Re: Being alone [Re: FLRich]
Dude. Offline
Guest

Registered: 01/26/08
Posts: 106
Loc: USA
Well, it happened to me twice.

When I came forward, I put the fucker in prison.

I went to counseling and it didn't help.

As far as the alone part, I guess I will be like this for the rest of my life.


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#247643 - 08/31/08 11:46 PM Re: Being alone [Re: EGL]
Dude. Offline
Guest

Registered: 01/26/08
Posts: 106
Loc: USA
Originally Posted By: EGL
Dude, I think it can be a combination of the drinking and the abuse, and everything else that could be factored into that. I do think that the loner aspect is something common to so many men who have experienced abuse in childhood. The abuse shaped so much of our personality that is would be unrealistic to think that any child could go through that and not come out the other side with some scars from the process.

Have you been seeing a therapist to help work through some of this stuff? The one thing I've found in my own case that repairing ourselves is really not a do-it-yourself project. A good therapist can really help us dig and get at the inner issues that are causing so many problems from all this.


I have been to a therapist, and she is not the one for me.

I have been drinking tonight and I'm more pissed more than ever.

I should not have called the police, I should have knocked on that child molesters door and beat the living hell out of him.

That fucker ruined my life.


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#247648 - 09/01/08 12:00 AM Re: Being alone [Re: Dude.]
pufferfish Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6875
Loc: USA
Originally Posted By: Dude.
Now that I have come forward and realized what happened to me as a kid, I have many questions.

I have been a "loner" all of my life. I have never trusted anyone.

Dude. I am so sorry for what you have been through. I also was abused at 4 and some other ages. Yes, I think it is more difficult that was younger. And, yes, I have had to struggle with being a loner. I have several things I do to get out and be with people regularly. For me it is playing music. you might have to figure out what it would be for you.
Originally Posted By: Dude.

I have always thought people are out to hurt me and take advantage of me. The thing about this is, this not a "normal" thought process. It has taken me many years to realize this.

This is a natural effect of what happened to you at 4. You have already made some progress, becuase you admit it is not a normal process. You would make much faster progress if you could find a decent therapist to help you on a weekly basis. But find one that you can get along with and trust. Then keep going. Don't quit. You won't start to find relief until you have had a bunch of sessions.
Originally Posted By: Dude.

My way of thinking has cost me my wife, and my son.
I have spent many years drinking away what happened to me when I was 4.

Unfortunately this is a farely typical event following CSA (child sexual abuse). It is tragic but not unexpected. Drinking is also a farely typical pattern following CSA. You really need some professional help to speed up your recovery process. You might consider joining AA.
Originally Posted By: Dude.

I'm trying so hard to change the way I perceive life and people.
Is it the drinking or being sexually abused, or both?

It sounds like you have some insight already as to what is needed but you are somewhat discouraged and depressed. Yes, you need help with the drinking and the CSA might be considered causitive of the drinking. You can't do it alone. But it can be done. Lots of guys have done it and are still working on it. I am one of those. The guys on this MS site are helpful and will reach out to you. They will include you and answer your questions. You will feel part of a group on the same path. You might consider becoming a member of one of the healing circles going on within MS. There is one forming for Sunday night right now.

Allen

Puffer


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#247649 - 09/01/08 12:20 AM Re: Being alone [Re: pufferfish]
Dude. Offline
Guest

Registered: 01/26/08
Posts: 106
Loc: USA
I'm having a hard time with the religion thing.

I grew up in a Morman household and was raised to believe God and Jesus Christ protects his children.

Well, he didn't protect me.


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#247655 - 09/01/08 01:09 AM Re: Being alone [Re: Dude.]
Dude. Offline
Guest

Registered: 01/26/08
Posts: 106
Loc: USA
If anyone can help me with this, it would be greatly appreciated.

I know I have come across the wrong way in my previous post.

I just need some feedback.

Please help.


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#247658 - 09/01/08 01:35 AM Re: Being alone [Re: Dude.]
G5 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/12/04
Posts: 203
Loc: New Jersey
Not going to throw any religious stuff at you.....it doesn't work for me either. I have been a loner for most of my life and find it difficult to trust anyone as do you and many of us here. I can relate to how difficult it is to relate to others......they don't know and could never understand what I/we went through, so why bother getting involved with them, right? This is what I've done....alienated almost all around me in order to protect myself from further damage. Reaching out here on the website with others who understand where you're coming from is a great step....it shows that you want to change some habits that aren't doing you any good anymore. It's tough to break them, and I'm sure even tougher when alcohol gets in the way. I'm not judging you, just acknowledging.

If you are really willing to change things and it sounds like you are, a therapist can be a great help. It took me a while to find someone I was comfortable with. But I had made the choice to seek someone out.....you may not be at that point. This shit sucks. But what will you do to change it? The MF'ers that did this to us (all of us here) were wrong....I'm glad yours is in jail....mine is still out there....I've tracked him down, and that's where it ends for me as far as he's concerned. I'm taking my life back......and you can do the same. Don't ever give up...ever. Take control. Talk here on the site, find a therapist no matter how difficult it may seem, you can succeed. We're here to help.....

Peace....Dude,

Chris



Edited by G5 (09/01/08 01:36 AM)
_________________________
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#247679 - 09/01/08 08:43 AM Re: Being alone [Re: Dude.]
Sans Logos Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/31/03
Posts: 5791
Loc: in my own world in pittsburgh,...
dude, i think it is important to remember that we as humans are very complex creatures, there is so much more to the mystery of us than the mere sum of psychological responses to our life experiences.

it is important to note these contributions, but at the same time, to acknowledege that psychology cannot provide all the answers we seek. at best, we can only attempt to reflect on the questions that arise for us.

some very good organization provide a framework in which to answer questions, like alcoholics anonymous and other support organizations.

but these unfortunately cannot provide all angles from which to view a particular 'problem' and only time and a continued pursuit of understand can crack the code.

there are lots of resources there to draw upon: psychological, biological and spiritual to mention a few.

my experience is that there are no definitive answers, but simply understandings that lead to more questions.

for me the questions lately seem to be presenting themselves further and further apart in time. that feels like a good thing, but i have come to accept that for all my living days, i shall be attempting to unravel the onion of me.

keep the faith brother, and keep asking those questions,

ron

_________________________
  1. the past
  2. ReClaiming Now
  3. advocacy


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#247680 - 09/01/08 08:49 AM Re: Being alone [Re: Sans Logos]
hogan_dawg Offline
Guest

Registered: 03/26/08
Posts: 492
Dude, it's both.

_________________________
I can say unequivocally that the lie of "To truly heal you must first forgive" has derailed more victims than the abusers themselves.
Andrew Vachs, 2003

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#247716 - 09/01/08 01:39 PM Re: Being alone [Re: Dude.]
M3 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/04/07
Posts: 1392
Loc: Central Ohio
Dude,

(Sorry, but every time I read that in this thread I feel like I'm on the set of Fast Times at Ridgemont High)

Your ability to come forward and put your perp in prison is incredible. I fought guilt for years knowing that my perps hurt others because I didn't act.

You are right that putting someone in prison doesn't take the pain away. That's one of the arguments for the death penalty - that the retribution of taking the offender's life helps heal the family. But beating the perp up wouldn't have taken away the pain either. You showed that you don't have to stoop to his level of hurting other people to feel better about yourself.

I have many friends who have had to go through many therapist to find the right one. Don't be afraid to network. You can make phone calls without giving your name to inquire about therapists. If you can find someone who specializes in adult male victims regionally, they may be able to make referrals to you of therapists that are closer to you.

As for the religion issues, that's tough. I grew up Presbyterian in a very conservative part of rural Ohio. I could never get over they telling us that God loves and protects his children but at the same time, that God has a plan for everything and that everything that happens has a reason. I can't tell you the countless hours I spent growing up trying to understand why God decided not to protect me and what reason he could possibly have for allowing me to be abused by all these men and to give me a family that didn't give a damn.

If He is truly omniscient then He knows I'm being abused. If He is truly omnipresent then He is there when I'm being abused. If He is truly omnipotent then he has the power to stop the abuse. I could never reconcile and gave up my faith. You will need to determine who you wish to seek guidance because that will also influence the outcome. If you wish to maintain your faith, find clergy to talk to. If you are uncertain, talk to you friends, future therapist, etc. Get many opinions and determine what feels right to you. I can truly understand that losing your faith or feeling like you can no longer connect to your religion of childhood can compound the loneliness that you feel.

There are people out there who care, will listen, will give support, and will help you, but it might take a bit of effort on your part to find the right people. Be determined in your recovery and know we are here to support you.

A fellow traveler on the road to recovery,

Michael


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#247718 - 09/01/08 01:58 PM Re: Being alone [Re: M3]
LandOfShadow Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/11/07
Posts: 684
Loc: Minneapolis, Minnesota USA
I'll second the thought that getting outside help ... really helps. I've made progress focussing on my body AND my mind and emotions. I haven't known what trust is like IN MY BODY. What is physically feels like. Nor feeling safe around people. Nor sexual feelings. A lot of things. It gets in real deep and I think you have to really dig deep. It helps to have a guide.

Alcohol and addictions can be a huge block. You aren't doing yourself any good drinking, but don't beat yourself over it. I've done it. Most of us have. Some greatly, some less so.

Look for and try a different therapist. Getting help is really, really difficult when you have been so hurt by people. It's gonna take a while but it's worth it I think.

_________________________
Et par le pouvoir d’un mot Je recommence ma vie, Je suis né pour te connaître, Pour te nommer
Liberté

And by the power of a single word I can begin my life again, I was born to know you, to name you
Freedom

Paul Eluard

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#247785 - 09/01/08 09:23 PM Re: Being alone [Re: LandOfShadow]
beakin Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/13/08
Posts: 44
Loc: Texas
Dude:

For myself, I had to get sober to begin to realize I have to finally deal with my abuse. I'm five years sober now and only just beginning to accept the profound effect the abuse has had on my life. It's not that I didn't know it happened, just that I'd made up a bunch of lies to myself over the years to protect myself from it.

I'm still the one lonely in a group of people. I think I also have no trust in anyone, despite the fact that I know there are people I could trust. I've always told myself that if people knew who I really am, they'd leave. Well, there are a few people who know who I really am and they haven't left. So why does that thought stay with me?

I've recently started coming to this forum and I have to say I'm more lonely now than before I found the site. I know that's because it's bringing up feelings I drank over for 33 years to try to keep from facing. It was hard to quite drinking because I was so afraid of having to feel again.

So, now I'm left with partial memories of my life. I'm trying to sort through the lies I've told myself to figure out what actually happened. I'm pretty sure it's not normal to be suicidal before age 10. I also have a problem with the religion thing. What I remember is being told that I'm a bad person because of what I thought and did by the time I was five. So, I tried on the outside to be the best kid in town. Problem was, I knew who I really was (or at least who I told myself I was).

I've recently found that a friend was also abused as a child. She shared that with me one day in order to tell me about her son. He was abused at five and told her about it. The scary part of it is he's ten now and recently told her "If you knew the real me, you wouldn't want to be around me." That really hit home. She told me that she sees him as broken - because she sees herself as broken. I remember being able to see that as a child. That was my opening to talk to her about my own abuse. So, I feel a little less lonely knowing I'm not the only one who feels the way I do.

I'm looking for a therapist now. I've been in therapy before, but lied to all of them. I made it kind of hard for them to help since I wouldn't tell them what was really wrong. But, then, I don't think I knew what the real problem was for many years.

Hang in there. I find that the loneliness seems less scary when I share with someone else who understands.



ben

_________________________
Only you can do it, but you cannot do it alone.

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#247837 - 09/02/08 09:25 AM Re: Being alone [Re: beakin]
JustScott Offline
Greeter Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/27/08
Posts: 2588
Dude,

You have every right to be angry for sure! What was done to you was wrong!

I have issues trusting people as well. I'm always trying to figure out what people want or just assume that when people are nice it's either because they've believed the "image" I've put up for them, or their just patronizing me.

A good therapist will be able to help you, but finding one that knows and understands these issues can be difficult. If you know the one you have now isn't for you, definitely get yourself a new one! I used this site as a resource to begin looking for mine. There are quite a few good listings. All the ones listed here were too far away for me, but I did call a few in my state and they put out feelers, and checked with others they knew to try and find one closer to me. I've been seeing mine now since February and it has helped a lot!

You did the right thing by putting the guy in jail! I know there are days when I feel that it would be great to hunt one of mine down and beat the living daylights out of them, but that really wouldn't accomplish anything other than inflict a bit of pain. It would likely get me put in jail and leave them on the outside to continue hurting others.

You also did the right thing in coming here and sharing these feelings. It can be hard for sure. I know when I'm feeling down and hurt, it's hard to come here and express it, but ultimately, it does help!

Keep talking, and keep fighting!


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