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#247658 - 09/01/08 01:35 AM Re: Being alone [Re: Dude.]
G5 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/12/04
Posts: 203
Loc: New Jersey
Not going to throw any religious stuff at you.....it doesn't work for me either. I have been a loner for most of my life and find it difficult to trust anyone as do you and many of us here. I can relate to how difficult it is to relate to others......they don't know and could never understand what I/we went through, so why bother getting involved with them, right? This is what I've done....alienated almost all around me in order to protect myself from further damage. Reaching out here on the website with others who understand where you're coming from is a great step....it shows that you want to change some habits that aren't doing you any good anymore. It's tough to break them, and I'm sure even tougher when alcohol gets in the way. I'm not judging you, just acknowledging.

If you are really willing to change things and it sounds like you are, a therapist can be a great help. It took me a while to find someone I was comfortable with. But I had made the choice to seek someone out.....you may not be at that point. This shit sucks. But what will you do to change it? The MF'ers that did this to us (all of us here) were wrong....I'm glad yours is in jail....mine is still out there....I've tracked him down, and that's where it ends for me as far as he's concerned. I'm taking my life back......and you can do the same. Don't ever give up...ever. Take control. Talk here on the site, find a therapist no matter how difficult it may seem, you can succeed. We're here to help.....

Peace....Dude,

Chris



Edited by G5 (09/01/08 01:36 AM)
_________________________
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#247679 - 09/01/08 08:43 AM Re: Being alone [Re: Dude.]
Sans Logos Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/31/03
Posts: 5791
Loc: in my own world in pittsburgh,...
dude, i think it is important to remember that we as humans are very complex creatures, there is so much more to the mystery of us than the mere sum of psychological responses to our life experiences.

it is important to note these contributions, but at the same time, to acknowledege that psychology cannot provide all the answers we seek. at best, we can only attempt to reflect on the questions that arise for us.

some very good organization provide a framework in which to answer questions, like alcoholics anonymous and other support organizations.

but these unfortunately cannot provide all angles from which to view a particular 'problem' and only time and a continued pursuit of understand can crack the code.

there are lots of resources there to draw upon: psychological, biological and spiritual to mention a few.

my experience is that there are no definitive answers, but simply understandings that lead to more questions.

for me the questions lately seem to be presenting themselves further and further apart in time. that feels like a good thing, but i have come to accept that for all my living days, i shall be attempting to unravel the onion of me.

keep the faith brother, and keep asking those questions,

ron

_________________________
  1. the past
  2. ReClaiming Now
  3. advocacy


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#247680 - 09/01/08 08:49 AM Re: Being alone [Re: Sans Logos]
hogan_dawg Offline
Guest

Registered: 03/26/08
Posts: 492
Dude, it's both.

_________________________
I can say unequivocally that the lie of "To truly heal you must first forgive" has derailed more victims than the abusers themselves.
Andrew Vachs, 2003

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#247716 - 09/01/08 01:39 PM Re: Being alone [Re: Dude.]
M3 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/04/07
Posts: 1392
Loc: Central Ohio
Dude,

(Sorry, but every time I read that in this thread I feel like I'm on the set of Fast Times at Ridgemont High)

Your ability to come forward and put your perp in prison is incredible. I fought guilt for years knowing that my perps hurt others because I didn't act.

You are right that putting someone in prison doesn't take the pain away. That's one of the arguments for the death penalty - that the retribution of taking the offender's life helps heal the family. But beating the perp up wouldn't have taken away the pain either. You showed that you don't have to stoop to his level of hurting other people to feel better about yourself.

I have many friends who have had to go through many therapist to find the right one. Don't be afraid to network. You can make phone calls without giving your name to inquire about therapists. If you can find someone who specializes in adult male victims regionally, they may be able to make referrals to you of therapists that are closer to you.

As for the religion issues, that's tough. I grew up Presbyterian in a very conservative part of rural Ohio. I could never get over they telling us that God loves and protects his children but at the same time, that God has a plan for everything and that everything that happens has a reason. I can't tell you the countless hours I spent growing up trying to understand why God decided not to protect me and what reason he could possibly have for allowing me to be abused by all these men and to give me a family that didn't give a damn.

If He is truly omniscient then He knows I'm being abused. If He is truly omnipresent then He is there when I'm being abused. If He is truly omnipotent then he has the power to stop the abuse. I could never reconcile and gave up my faith. You will need to determine who you wish to seek guidance because that will also influence the outcome. If you wish to maintain your faith, find clergy to talk to. If you are uncertain, talk to you friends, future therapist, etc. Get many opinions and determine what feels right to you. I can truly understand that losing your faith or feeling like you can no longer connect to your religion of childhood can compound the loneliness that you feel.

There are people out there who care, will listen, will give support, and will help you, but it might take a bit of effort on your part to find the right people. Be determined in your recovery and know we are here to support you.

A fellow traveler on the road to recovery,

Michael


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#247718 - 09/01/08 01:58 PM Re: Being alone [Re: M3]
LandOfShadow Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/11/07
Posts: 684
Loc: Minneapolis, Minnesota USA
I'll second the thought that getting outside help ... really helps. I've made progress focussing on my body AND my mind and emotions. I haven't known what trust is like IN MY BODY. What is physically feels like. Nor feeling safe around people. Nor sexual feelings. A lot of things. It gets in real deep and I think you have to really dig deep. It helps to have a guide.

Alcohol and addictions can be a huge block. You aren't doing yourself any good drinking, but don't beat yourself over it. I've done it. Most of us have. Some greatly, some less so.

Look for and try a different therapist. Getting help is really, really difficult when you have been so hurt by people. It's gonna take a while but it's worth it I think.

_________________________
Et par le pouvoir d’un mot Je recommence ma vie, Je suis né pour te connaître, Pour te nommer
Liberté

And by the power of a single word I can begin my life again, I was born to know you, to name you
Freedom

Paul Eluard

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#247785 - 09/01/08 09:23 PM Re: Being alone [Re: LandOfShadow]
beakin Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/13/08
Posts: 44
Loc: Texas
Dude:

For myself, I had to get sober to begin to realize I have to finally deal with my abuse. I'm five years sober now and only just beginning to accept the profound effect the abuse has had on my life. It's not that I didn't know it happened, just that I'd made up a bunch of lies to myself over the years to protect myself from it.

I'm still the one lonely in a group of people. I think I also have no trust in anyone, despite the fact that I know there are people I could trust. I've always told myself that if people knew who I really am, they'd leave. Well, there are a few people who know who I really am and they haven't left. So why does that thought stay with me?

I've recently started coming to this forum and I have to say I'm more lonely now than before I found the site. I know that's because it's bringing up feelings I drank over for 33 years to try to keep from facing. It was hard to quite drinking because I was so afraid of having to feel again.

So, now I'm left with partial memories of my life. I'm trying to sort through the lies I've told myself to figure out what actually happened. I'm pretty sure it's not normal to be suicidal before age 10. I also have a problem with the religion thing. What I remember is being told that I'm a bad person because of what I thought and did by the time I was five. So, I tried on the outside to be the best kid in town. Problem was, I knew who I really was (or at least who I told myself I was).

I've recently found that a friend was also abused as a child. She shared that with me one day in order to tell me about her son. He was abused at five and told her about it. The scary part of it is he's ten now and recently told her "If you knew the real me, you wouldn't want to be around me." That really hit home. She told me that she sees him as broken - because she sees herself as broken. I remember being able to see that as a child. That was my opening to talk to her about my own abuse. So, I feel a little less lonely knowing I'm not the only one who feels the way I do.

I'm looking for a therapist now. I've been in therapy before, but lied to all of them. I made it kind of hard for them to help since I wouldn't tell them what was really wrong. But, then, I don't think I knew what the real problem was for many years.

Hang in there. I find that the loneliness seems less scary when I share with someone else who understands.



ben

_________________________
Only you can do it, but you cannot do it alone.

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#247837 - 09/02/08 09:25 AM Re: Being alone [Re: beakin]
JustScott Offline
Greeter Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/27/08
Posts: 2572
Dude,

You have every right to be angry for sure! What was done to you was wrong!

I have issues trusting people as well. I'm always trying to figure out what people want or just assume that when people are nice it's either because they've believed the "image" I've put up for them, or their just patronizing me.

A good therapist will be able to help you, but finding one that knows and understands these issues can be difficult. If you know the one you have now isn't for you, definitely get yourself a new one! I used this site as a resource to begin looking for mine. There are quite a few good listings. All the ones listed here were too far away for me, but I did call a few in my state and they put out feelers, and checked with others they knew to try and find one closer to me. I've been seeing mine now since February and it has helped a lot!

You did the right thing by putting the guy in jail! I know there are days when I feel that it would be great to hunt one of mine down and beat the living daylights out of them, but that really wouldn't accomplish anything other than inflict a bit of pain. It would likely get me put in jail and leave them on the outside to continue hurting others.

You also did the right thing in coming here and sharing these feelings. It can be hard for sure. I know when I'm feeling down and hurt, it's hard to come here and express it, but ultimately, it does help!

Keep talking, and keep fighting!


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