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#24730 - 02/16/04 01:29 PM My experience with SA
I'm Alone Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 02/15/04
Posts: 9
Loc: USA
When I was victimized (suffered from SA.) I tried to let my family know. I was 12 years old and at that time I donít think that people believed that things like this happened. I told my parents and they would not believe me. I guess they were living in denial.

Within another year my parentís finally broke all ties with their friend who victimized me. I was told that it didnít happen and that was the end of the discussion.

One thing that still depresses me to this day was that this man had a step-son who was a friend of mine. We were the same age and went to the same school. I witnessed his abuse as well. When our familyís separated my friend changed schools and I never saw him again. Anytime I think of what happened to my friend it eats at me. Itís like I abandoned him in his time of need.

I found out recently that my brother was also abused by this son of a bitch. I guess I just need to remind my parents that this didnít happen either.

Iíve had many self-destructive thoughts over the years. Iíve felt the urge of suicide from time to time and the worst thought that has ever come across me is throwing away the life I have to make him suffer or take his away from him. Most of the time it pisses me off when I realize that I know I could do more with my life to help protect others from people like him. I pray everyday for the strength to get by. Iím thankful to finally find some people to talk to. Itís sad that I have to find strangers to believe in me where family wonít.

Thank you all for listening,

Quote:
If an injury has to be done to a man it should be so severe that his vengeance need not be feared.
Niccolo Machiavelli (1469 - 1527)


_________________________
If an injury has to be done to a man it should be so severe that his vengeance need not be feared.
Niccolo Machiavelli (1469 - 1527

The worst loneliness is not to be comfortable with yourself.
Mark Twain (1835 - 1910)

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#24731 - 02/16/04 02:36 PM Re: My experience with SA
crisispoint Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/24/03
Posts: 2154
Loc: Massachusetts
My brother,

I am so sorry this happened to you, but I'm glad you found this site. There's a lot of wisdom to tap into here, and the brothers and sisters here are among the best people in the world.

Man, I do hear where you're coming from! I've repressed my abuse for many years, and when I finally allowed myself to remember, I was engulfed by the same emotions you've been. I still struggle with it in fact.

It ticks me off that people refuse to believe you when you tell them, and it hurts even more when parents don't, but it did happen. You know it did. What's more, it wasn't your fault and you have NOTHING to be ashamed of. It was his fault, not yours. NEVER WAS IT YOURS!

Another thing. I understand what you mean when you say you feel guilty about your friend and other children hurt by this creep. It's understandable, but you have to let it go. You did what you had to do to survive, and there was nothing more you could've done. You were a child. You were vulnerable, and this idiot took advantage of that.

I know you'll do well on this journey. You seem to be a decent guy and I can't wait to hear what you've got to contribute. If there's one more thing I can tell you, it's this. I say this to everyone here I "meet," and it makes a few uncomfortable, but considering how some of our abusers use our need for this, I like to offer it as a gift. I love you, brother. No strings attached, and nothing in return.

Peace, love, and welcome.

Scot

_________________________
There are reasons I'm taking medication. They're called "other people." - Me, displaying my anti-social tendancies

fromacuriousmind.blogspot.com
malehurtandsurvive.blogspot.com

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#24732 - 02/16/04 02:42 PM Re: My experience with SA
crisispoint Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/24/03
Posts: 2154
Loc: Massachusetts
P.S.

You're not alone anymore. You have much support now.

Peace and love,

Scot

_________________________
There are reasons I'm taking medication. They're called "other people." - Me, displaying my anti-social tendancies

fromacuriousmind.blogspot.com
malehurtandsurvive.blogspot.com

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#24733 - 02/16/04 05:35 PM Re: My experience with SA
RICK57 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/31/03
Posts: 1611
Loc: ENGLAND
'Alone' - there are a lot of people here that will support you and believe you when you say what happened. You can find a lot of strength here....I was also 12 when my abuse happened - not the best thing to have in common!

What happened was not your fault, and you are not to blame for what happened to your friend either. Blame the Perv and those that would not listen...you were only 12.

Best wishes Rik

_________________________
*Never look down on anybody unless you're helping them up.
*I was seeking a way of expressing my anger - I found hope!
*There are many battles before the war is won! It can be won!

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#24734 - 02/16/04 08:46 PM Re: My experience with SA
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
'Alone
I hope you can overcome some of your loneliness by coming here, it's a good place to be although the reason we've come together here is not one we'd choose.

The rage we feel against our abusers runs deep, and does us no good. But try to get rid of the rage ? wow, that's some task. Some do though, and others steer the rage into a healthier place. But we know where it comes from and yours is righteous rage.

Try not to beat up on yourself about what you "could have done back then" - remember - you were 12 years old and he was an adult. Try to think back to 12, what more could you have done ? you told someone and they didn't believe you.
That happened to me, and that betrayal is, for me, worse that the actual abuse. I hate the headmaster who betrayed me more than my many abusers. And I guess I always will. He deserves to rot in hell.

So please come an talk with us, join in the discussions and have your say. You deserve to be heard - and believed - however late it is.

Dave

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#24735 - 02/16/04 08:58 PM Re: My experience with SA
Mike Church Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 01/23/03
Posts: 3439
Loc: Toronto, Canada
See. What did I tell you Alone.

You are not alone now. I echo everyone else's post

_________________________
Mikey

IT REALLY IS OK TO STUMBLE. NONE OF US ARE PERFECT.

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#24736 - 02/16/04 09:04 PM Re: My experience with SA
Bill_1965 Offline
Chat Mod Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/29/03
Posts: 1983
Loc: Flint, Michigan
Welcome I'm Alone

Your are not alone. You are not amongst many of good men that have gone through the same s**t.

You did not abandon your friend. Your separation was beyond your control.

Invite your brother here.

Sorry you have a need for this site,

Bill

_________________________
Pain is Temporary; Quitting lasts Forever. - Lance Armstrong

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#24737 - 02/16/04 09:38 PM Re: My experience with SA
faceinthecrowd Offline
Member

Registered: 12/02/03
Posts: 40
Hello NOT ALONE,12 was the age when my abuse began.There are no strangers here.Thank God for this site and welcome to a place where you can heal and deal.You have found a place where true friends really want to help.///////////faceintheabuse


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#24738 - 02/17/04 12:11 AM Re: My experience with SA
I'm Alone Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 02/15/04
Posts: 9
Loc: USA
Thanks for all of the support. Iíve been thinking of ways to focus my rage into something health. I donít know how many former military are here but I had an idea. What if we took all of the extra tax dollars we spend on policing the world, bring back our Special Forces and Marines and reassign some duties. Maybe we could have them start policing our countries for sexual and child predators. String them up and have public executions like Fridayís in Saudi Arabia. Iím for it what about you?

On a more realistic note Iím doing what I can to fill this hole I have deep inside of me. I am glad to finally have a place to vent. I should have been hear much sooner. I should have realized my problems and dealt with them years ago. Itís scary to think that I would be on my way to a normal life with a lasting healthy relationship if I didnít try and slough off the past.

Thanks again for everything,

_________________________
If an injury has to be done to a man it should be so severe that his vengeance need not be feared.
Niccolo Machiavelli (1469 - 1527

The worst loneliness is not to be comfortable with yourself.
Mark Twain (1835 - 1910)

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#24739 - 02/17/04 06:27 PM Re: My experience with SA
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Quote:
I should have been hear much sooner. I should have realized my problems and dealt with them years ago.
It only happens when we're ready to it, I waited 31 years.
I think that if we try to heal at the wrong time, maybe because we've been pushed into it when our secret has been discovered, then the motivation isn't as much as when WE WANT to heal.

Hey, we're men. And if we listen to what women say then we do NOTHING that we don't want to do ! \:D ;\)

Dave

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#24740 - 02/18/04 04:08 AM Re: My experience with SA
Ivanhoe Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/19/03
Posts: 1907
Hey, IA
It's another brother, David.
Man, do you remind me of a lot of stuff. I've been working on this crap for a long time, and since I found this place just 11 months ago, I've really made some leaps and bounds toward healing.
Not only are these guys the best brothers a guy could ask for, they are full of it...love.
Believe me, these guys can reassure you like no people I've ever met.
And, reassurance is what we need. Stuff like, "it wasn't our fault," and, "we're not to blame." I hope that you learn those basic phrases, and that you will embrace them as your personal battle cry.
There are some things that we can do and more of us are becoming more politically involved to get them done.
Welcome to our club house, sorry that you had to go looking for a place like this but we're glad that you have joined our "band of brothers."

David

_________________________
"No soul is desolate as long as there is a human being for whom it can feel trust and reverence."
George Eliot

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#24741 - 02/18/04 04:31 AM Re: My experience with SA
Em Offline
Member

Registered: 01/19/04
Posts: 38
Loc: North East Ohio
Alone,

Welcome,

I'm glad you've found this and I hope it will begin to help as it has for me. As you see, you are not alone. The gentlemen here share many of the thoughts, feelings, and pains with you. I have been to the very edge and luckily did not end my life.

Try not to look at the past as wasted time. I've done that a great deal. I've learned in a short period of time since I began to recover from my past, that it doesn't help any to regret not starting recovery sooner. The past is gone, the future is a mystery, but today is what matters the most. I've only begun healing, and only a month ago did I start this new chapter of my life. It is a better chapter, and there are many gentlemen here who understand it and will give you good advice as they have given me.

I'm glad you are here. I know that it can help.

Em


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#24742 - 02/18/04 11:04 AM Re: My experience with SA
outis Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/27/03
Posts: 2260
Loc: Maryland USA
Alone,

You are not alone anymore, as you can see.

One of the friends I've met through this site wrote about "making the past I will have" (if I haven't mangled it too horribly). Today's actions will be tomorrow's memories. You got here when you could. Don't think about what it might be like if only you started sooner, or if only anything else.

Think about what it can be like now that you've started.

Thanks,

Joe

_________________________
"Telemachos, your guest is no discredit to you. I wasted no time in stringing the bow, and I did not miss the mark. My strength is yet unbrokenÖ"óThe Odyssey, translated by W.H.D. Rouse

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#24743 - 02/18/04 12:20 PM Re: My experience with SA
Brayton Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/21/03
Posts: 696
Loc: Minneapolis
I PM pretty regularly with a guy here who is about 10 years younger than me but who often seems about 10 years ahead of me in his recovery.

It doesn't any good to make these comparisons but I still catch myself doing them. I compare how late I have gotten into specifically SA treatment and recovery. I compare the relative "seriousness" of the abuse I experienced with the stories of other guys here. And it goes on and on but when I am thinking clearly, as I am in this moment, I see that those comparisons are empty, they have no substance.

The only comparison worth looking at is our similarity of symptoms and the difficulty of our recoveries.

This is a place of finding support (its made a huge difference in my life in just a few months' time), a place to share frustrations, and a place to share success and happiness.

There isn't a lot of support out there for male survivors. This is our safe place, our haven. Welcome. Its good to have you here. You are alone no more.

_________________________
Sometimes, things just won't work the way we want them to.

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#24744 - 02/19/04 04:52 AM Re: My experience with SA
Leosha Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/18/03
Posts: 3614
Loc: Right here
I am very sorry of how all this happened for you, and how your family chose to ignore it. I am glad you were able to at least talk with some about it at such a young age, even if it did not have the full help effect. I chose to tell someone of what was happening when I was 15, but i make wrong choice of who to tell, and it was bad thing.

I hope that you find this site to be helpful in your healing, and feeling that you are understood. Welcome, and I wish you well.

Leosha

_________________________
Avatar photo in memory of my younger brother Makar.

"Human salvation lies in the hands of the creatively maladjusted."~~~Martin Luther King Jr., 1963

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#24745 - 02/19/04 03:36 PM Re: My experience with SA
FlyWM Offline
Member

Registered: 09/14/03
Posts: 322
Loc: Michigan
Welcome to this site, and welcome to the 'family' of survivors that are here. I am sorry you had to endure what you were forced to, no one should have to suffer like that. I am glad at 12 you could talk of it some even if you were not believed, it was good you talked of it. I am sorry your parents haven;t been really supportive of you and believe you, but I hope in time they will come around. You had to suffer things no child should have to, and you survived and that is something to be proud of. Again welcome to this site and I hope it can be helpful for you.

scott

_________________________
Impossible is just a big word thrown around by small men who find it easier to live in the world they've been given than to explore the power they have to change it. Impossible in not a declaration, it's a dare.

--Adidas

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#24746 - 02/19/04 07:09 PM Re: My experience with SA
MrEdd Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/24/03
Posts: 317
Loc: Texas
Hey IA,
I tried to tell my mom too, (when I was 5) and several times during the six years my sister and I were being fucked and abused in a filthy hole of a home daycare. She wouldn't listen even when she got there and found me locked in a dark closet half full of trash. You were a kid. Your progenitors refused to be parents.
Sorry for your hurts,
Edwin

_________________________
Some Things are not problems to be solved, rather, they are facts which must be coped with over time.

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