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#247349 - 08/29/08 10:19 PM Re: What right does he have to hurt me like this? [Re: king tut]
pufferfish Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6865
Loc: USA
Lewis

You are just fine. No harm done.

You helped me learn and I appreciate it.

I do respect you very much

Allen

puffer


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#247353 - 08/29/08 10:47 PM Re: What right does he have to hurt me like this? [Re: ChristineTrying]
dgoods Offline
Guest

Registered: 10/15/07
Posts: 622
Loc: Richmond area
CT,
It seems to me as if you have already made your choice, and are looking for both some sort of explanation that makes his behavior make sense, but that also can give you that final nudge to say goodbye without feeling as though you gave up or abandoned him; as a survivor of not only CSA but physical and emotional abuse myself, i know how easy it can be to get into relationships where one somehow ends up playing out some of the same dynamics we dealt with when we were younger.

I used to ask myself, "Why did most of my girlfriends turn out to have histories of abuse?" Survivors seem to pick up on subtle cues and those cues seem to draw us toward each other- certain perspectives on life that non-survivors don't share. Unfortunately, many times we often end up bringing out the worst in each other over the long run, and the relationship ends very messily, with a lot of old wounds re-opened on both sides, despite the best intentions.

Switching from people-pleasing to resentment and back again, feeling like you always sacrifice your needs for those of your partner, feeling ashamed of investing so much of yourself with apparently no or negative returns, suspecting the other of having ulterior motives for their words, behavior, or even for the relationship itself... all this and much more can be swirling around the heads of either or both people involved. This can build, and what was once a possible haven of mutual understanding becomes a fierce and ugly battleground.

Remember that men generally have a much stronger natural inclination toward personal and social privacy, and combined with CSA, this can make for a much harder struggle for communication with ourselves as well as others.

There is nothing wrong with protecting yourself first; there is no need for you to give your left arm, before you can permit yourself to say, "I gave the relationship my all, and it just isn't going to work"- nobody's waiting in the wings to point at you and cry, "FAILURE!"

Again, it sounds to me as if this relationship's already over; let yourself off the hook- if his behavior is truly regressive and negative, and you're feeling more and more resentment, frustration, and pain, then you'd undoubtedly both be far better off disentangling from each other, instead of mutually reinforcing negative conclusions about love, trust, and boundaries.

I'm not trying to pretend i'm an expert on your situation or relationships in general, i'm just being honest about my impressions, and expressing where my own experiences have taken me; i hope you're not offended, and i wish both of you the best of luck in your lives.

_________________________
Give sorrow words: the grief that does not speak
Whispers the o'er-fraught heart and bids it break.

-William Shakespeare, Macbeth, Act IV, Sc. III

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#247640 - 08/31/08 11:43 PM Re: What right does he have to hurt me like this? [Re: ChristineTrying]
mollyr Offline
New Here

Registered: 11/01/07
Posts: 5
Do you mind if I ask how long you've been together and when you/he first found out/remembered the CSA?


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#247694 - 09/01/08 11:01 AM Re: What right does he have to hurt me like this? [Re: mollyr]
ChristineTrying Offline


Registered: 06/23/08
Posts: 36
We've been together for three years and I always knew there was something different about him. He told me about the abuse about a year ago and although I did not change my attitude towards him at all, it's been a downward spiral ever since. He's never forgotten the abuse so it's not like it's anything new for him.




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#247695 - 09/01/08 11:10 AM Re: What right does he have to hurt me like this? [Re: dgoods]
ChristineTrying Offline


Registered: 06/23/08
Posts: 36
Dgoods,

Thanks.
"Remember that men generally have a much stronger natural inclination toward personal and social privacy, and combined with CSA, this can make for a much harder struggle for communication with ourselves as well as others."

It's strange in a way...my man has no problem telling anyone and everyone everything. I am the one who is so private. I've had to keep things from him otherwise the whole world would know. That seems wrong to me that I can't share my life with someone without it being broadcast. He has no problem with communication but I do.

Thanks for all your thoughts. You are actually exactly right. Why is it people call the talk radio people for advice? To get the "permission" to do something. I already know what to do. Just need permission from other people so that I can say it's my life and not yours. HE lives his life for him, certainly not for ME.

I know the drugs and alcohol abuse also in the past has led to his actions of today (and the past). Those things are just horrible horrible crutches and have ruined so many lives. Why do people keep doing them???

Cheers.


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#247811 - 09/02/08 01:35 AM Re: What right does he have to hurt me like this? [Re: ChristineTrying]
dgoods Offline
Guest

Registered: 10/15/07
Posts: 622
Loc: Richmond area
You're welcome CT, and thanks- it's nice to know i actually have a decent insight once in a while ;-)

I understand about the "quiet one" side of things myself; when i attempted suicide at 14, my father (whom i wasn't even living with) seemed to think it was fine to broadcast my attempt and subsequent hospitalization to even casual friends of the family; there were a lot of awkward moments afterwards when people i barely knew were asking if i felt better, etc. I felt like he had taken something that had to do with me, and turned it into something more about how it affected him, never mind losing any choice over who knew what. "Gee, thanks Dad; now when certain people think of me, it'll be 'Oh yeah, him. Didn't he try to kill himself before?' Oh, my dating possibilities will surely expand incredibly now..."

As far as drugs/alcohol, they gripped me tight off and on for a good long while, even after knowing better, simply because of having the commandment in my head to "kill the pain at all costs"... also, unlike people, their immediate effect was completely predictable- if i drank, i'd always get drunk. If i smoked pot, i'd always get stoned. The consequences, of course, were completely unpredictable in the short-term, but absolutely negatively predictable in the long-term, which is why i don't mess with either any more... the high always wears off, and ends up adding more problems on top of what inspired the reality-vacations in the first place.

_________________________
Give sorrow words: the grief that does not speak
Whispers the o'er-fraught heart and bids it break.

-William Shakespeare, Macbeth, Act IV, Sc. III

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#248079 - 09/03/08 08:39 PM Re: What right does he have to hurt me like this? [Re: ChristineTrying]
Supporter1 Offline


Registered: 09/03/08
Posts: 7
Loc: Canada
I'm so sorry for the confusion and pain you are experiencing. He has no "right" to hurt you. None of us has any "right" to cause pain to another. But there are mitigating circumstances here. I'm sure that others here have several recommendations for books and information that helps partners of CSA survivors glimpse what they are going through. Unfortunately, not a lot is written for the male survivor and the significant others in his life.

One that absolutely helped me to understand reactions, rage, lashing out, and other behaviours was Mike Lew's "Victims No Longer." There is even a chapter written specifically for partners, friends, and family of CSA survivors.

I know it is trying in the extreme, but sometimes perfectionism (unreasonable expectations of self or others to be perfect) is another torment that CSA survivors must endure. I urge you to read that book (or even just that chapter), from what you've written, it may ease your mind and provide some answers.

Kindly offered with sincere hopes that it might help,

S1


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#248117 - 09/04/08 03:51 AM Re: What right does he have to hurt me like this? [Re: Supporter1]
ChristineTrying Offline


Registered: 06/23/08
Posts: 36
HI S1,

Thanks for your thoughts. I don't want anyone to think I haven't tried, or that I don't have support for him or any of you, or empathy of what everyone is going/gone through.

I have taken care of other people all my life. My family I couldn't just leave. But it's like how much does one have to endure before calling it quits?

I've read the books, studied up on the topics. I keep coming back to the same issue...in order for someone to be totally supportive of someone else with the challenges of any kind of abuse issues or things like that, one really has to give up their lives and wants/dreams/needs for that person who needs help.

We all deserve a normal happy life. ALL of us. I want to reach out, to help, to understand, to empathise with all abused or lost people. But there does come a time when one must say enough is enough. I've done all I can. I want to be happy and live a life that is easy. Taking care of and supporting others is NOT the easy road of life. It's the most difficult, racked with pain, sad and depressing roads you can take. Life doesn't have to be, nor should it be, this hard.

I don't mean to make anyone on here mad or upset with me and i think many of you understand completely what I'm saying.


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#248120 - 09/04/08 06:47 AM Re: What right does he have to hurt me like this? [Re: ChristineTrying]
Rachael Offline
New Here

Registered: 08/27/07
Posts: 11
Loc: Qld Australia
Yes CT I understand completly. Read my post called Reeling...
There does come a time when the abused one has to be accountable. Has to take responsibility. My now ex partner has used every excuse in the book to blame others for his behaviour. In the end he found a way to blame me and we are now 1 day in to being no more.

I did all I could to learn how to be there for him. I read the books, he got 3 pages in to 'victims no longer' and freaked out at how textbook he was...NOOOO his abuse was so much worse than anyone elses. I found this site and was thrilled when he made his first post..but no someone replied and mentioned the word GAY and he freaked out even more and went on a rampage about how the men here wallow in their abuse histories and he was sooo much better than them.

Before we had met almost 2 years ago I had never come in to contact with a male abuse survivor, now I feel I am an expert on the subject but I know one thing with absolute sureity, if I ever meet another man and he happens to have been abused, I am going to run a mile. The lies, the denials, the blame game, and yes even the abuse and bruises he put on me, have left me almost with no sense of me.

The person I was before we met has gone, I feel so much older and sadder and abused myself. I see all these new women asking for advise and help dealing with being a partner of a CSA survivor and right now the only advise I feel I could give them is to get out now...run. Get out before they drag you down in to their dark twisted world and YOUR sunlight fades.

Oh god yes I understand completely.

edit..I wanted to add that my partner was also addicted to pot, an incredible amount of codeine painkillers(I will be finding empty pill packets in all his hiding(from who?) places for a long time to come), sleeping pills, overeating food that he knew would cause incredible agony to his digestive system as it was missing a few pieces due to a skiing 'accident', porn and sex.



Edited by Rachael (09/04/08 07:06 AM)

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#248124 - 09/04/08 09:25 AM Re: What right does he have to hurt me like this? [Re: Rachael]
Supporter1 Offline


Registered: 09/03/08
Posts: 7
Loc: Canada
Hi Christine,

I don't believe for a minute that you did not try your very very best. And you are honest in your pain. You are absolutely right when you say there are times when "enough is enough".

I for one am not mad or upset at anything you said. \:\) It's being honest and letting out the grief and anger and hurt. You must feel exhausted and bruised right now. But we're here to listen (or "read" in this case). Let it all out, girl! \:\)

S1


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