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#247180 - 08/28/08 10:29 PM just call me pariah
MarkK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/02/07
Posts: 2502
Loc: Denver, CO
alone
forsaken
not forgotten
just rejected
avoided
unwanted

too many years trying to change the unchangeable
when will i be smart enough to just give up


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#247181 - 08/28/08 10:39 PM Re: just call me pariah [Re: MarkK]
Barkabus Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/09/08
Posts: 809
I don't believe that Mark. Sure we feel that way sometimes. Heck, I feel that way right now but I know it isn't true. Feelings aren't rational...they just are.

We're in this boat together.

Mike

_________________________
My Story

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#247185 - 08/28/08 11:16 PM Re: just call me pariah [Re: Barkabus]
KENKEN Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/25/07
Posts: 762
Loc: NOTHERN COLORADO
Mark,
You are not a quitter!
You fought too hard to give up!
You have so many reasons to continue, to succeed!
You have too many people/family that need you to go on!

You are smart and that is why you are working so HARD.
Most important, You are not Alone!

Ken

_________________________
I AM A GOOD PERSON, I AM A GOOD MAN

From the Movie: Antwone Fisher

***WOR ALUMNI SEQUOIA MARCH 2008***

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#247479 - 08/30/08 04:35 PM Re: just call me pariah [Re: KENKEN]
MarkK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/02/07
Posts: 2502
Loc: Denver, CO
but i know otherwise
the pain of loneliness gets worse every week
my whole body agonizes

i don't know that i'm cut out for this "recovery" .... stuff


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#247484 - 08/30/08 05:03 PM Re: just call me pariah [Re: MarkK]
michael banks Offline


Registered: 06/12/08
Posts: 1755
Loc: Mojave Desert, Ca
Mark,

That pain of loneliness is from the abuse of yesterday.
Hang in there for it is today and you are not alone any longer.
Together there is hope for a much brighter tomorrow.

mike

_________________________
To own one's shadow is the highest moral act of a human.
-Robert Johnson-

"IT ought never be forgotten that the past is the parent of the future" John C. Calhoun

WOR Alumni Sequoia 2009

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#247488 - 08/30/08 05:16 PM Re: just call me pariah [Re: michael banks]
MarkK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/02/07
Posts: 2502
Loc: Denver, CO
i watch as friends disappear
and you tell me the pain is of yesterday
...
the pain of rejection and humiliation was birthed in my past
the pain of loneliness is something that grows now

and hope is for those who are still young enough to believe.


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#247502 - 08/30/08 07:06 PM Re: just call me pariah [Re: MarkK]
michael banks Offline


Registered: 06/12/08
Posts: 1755
Loc: Mojave Desert, Ca
Mark,

Hope is there for all to behold
Be thee young or old

Friends are but a hand shake away
If we don't just fade... away

The pain is here for now
But it will not always be so

For the future is bright
If we chose the light

mike

_________________________
To own one's shadow is the highest moral act of a human.
-Robert Johnson-

"IT ought never be forgotten that the past is the parent of the future" John C. Calhoun

WOR Alumni Sequoia 2009

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#247503 - 08/30/08 07:19 PM Re: just call me pariah [Re: michael banks]
MarkK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/02/07
Posts: 2502
Loc: Denver, CO
hope is for the innocent
the young at heart
the pure

hope is not meant for tired old men

for those that have it - i say hang on to it - but not too tight cuz it's fragile and will shatter.

but when it's gone - learn to accept it.

doesn't make the pain go away - just gives you other ways to deal with it


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#247509 - 08/30/08 07:39 PM Re: just call me pariah [Re: MarkK]
michael banks Offline


Registered: 06/12/08
Posts: 1755
Loc: Mojave Desert, Ca

Hope is a rope
Waiting to be had

Just hanging there
For all to grab

_________________________
To own one's shadow is the highest moral act of a human.
-Robert Johnson-

"IT ought never be forgotten that the past is the parent of the future" John C. Calhoun

WOR Alumni Sequoia 2009

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#247510 - 08/30/08 08:06 PM Re: just call me pariah [Re: michael banks]
MarkK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/02/07
Posts: 2502
Loc: Denver, CO
hope is a rope?
sounds like a good way to hang yourself

besides, you cannot fight the truth, which is what this post was first built on.

M


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#247514 - 08/30/08 08:42 PM Re: just call me pariah [Re: MarkK]
michael banks Offline


Registered: 06/12/08
Posts: 1755
Loc: Mojave Desert, Ca
Mark,

A rope has many purposes.
It just depends how youuu choose to use it.

To hang oneself or
Climb out of the pit.

The choice is always ours.

mike

_________________________
To own one's shadow is the highest moral act of a human.
-Robert Johnson-

"IT ought never be forgotten that the past is the parent of the future" John C. Calhoun

WOR Alumni Sequoia 2009

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#247515 - 08/30/08 08:44 PM Re: just call me pariah [Re: michael banks]
MarkK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/02/07
Posts: 2502
Loc: Denver, CO
Originally Posted By: michael banks
A rope has many purposes.
It just depends how youuu choose to use it.

precisely


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#247516 - 08/30/08 08:52 PM Re: just call me pariah [Re: MarkK]
michael banks Offline


Registered: 06/12/08
Posts: 1755
Loc: Mojave Desert, Ca
Mark,

Your in my prayers.

mike

_________________________
To own one's shadow is the highest moral act of a human.
-Robert Johnson-

"IT ought never be forgotten that the past is the parent of the future" John C. Calhoun

WOR Alumni Sequoia 2009

Top
#247517 - 08/30/08 08:54 PM Re: just call me pariah [Re: michael banks]
MarkK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/02/07
Posts: 2502
Loc: Denver, CO
well, i'd say that put an end to this discussion
goodnight, sir


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#247521 - 08/30/08 09:33 PM Re: just call me pariah [Re: MarkK]
michael banks Offline


Registered: 06/12/08
Posts: 1755
Loc: Mojave Desert, Ca
Mark,

Just have to recognize when someone is trying to push buttons.

mike



_________________________
To own one's shadow is the highest moral act of a human.
-Robert Johnson-

"IT ought never be forgotten that the past is the parent of the future" John C. Calhoun

WOR Alumni Sequoia 2009

Top
#247526 - 08/30/08 10:33 PM Re: just call me pariah [Re: michael banks]
MarkK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/02/07
Posts: 2502
Loc: Denver, CO
Originally Posted By: michael banks
Just have to recognize when someone is trying to push buttons.

i don't believe that of you - which leaves the concept that you believe it of me. which is your choice. if so, i apologize - it wasn't my intent. perhaps it would have been best if i hadn't started this lame thread.

again - my apologies.


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#247597 - 08/31/08 04:06 PM Re: just call me pariah [Re: MarkK]
kutcher Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/16/08
Posts: 99
Loc: Delaware
MarkK,

Sometimes the pain of lonliness is so much I physically wretch and wail, litterly.

I have just started to remember and to work on healing, last night I was so alone I did not know where to turn, but I made it through the night and although the day has it ups and downs there are people I know and I don't want them ever to doubt that I love them and need them them. Therefore I stand, or curl up and let the loneliness come at me and then when the wave ebss I move forward,

MarkK stand with us hear, or huddle with me you are not alone we are here and we need your voice.

Dave


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#247682 - 09/01/08 09:59 AM Re: just call me pariah [Re: kutcher]
MarkK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/02/07
Posts: 2502
Loc: Denver, CO
the one thing nobody needs is me
especially here
it was a nice sentiment Dave, thank you - but it's not true

take care


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#247707 - 09/01/08 12:15 PM Re: just call me pariah [Re: MarkK]
pufferfish Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6843
Loc: USA
MarkK

You need to DO something about it and not just sit there with a clipboard, chalking up another one every time a so-called friend leaves.

There are lots and lots of people in your territory, and many of them are potential friends for YOU.

On your clipboard instead of making marks for friends lost, devise a plan of how you can meet new safe friends. Clubs, organizations related to your interests, develop new interests. Take up clogging or square dancing or something. Become a plumber and take up unclogging.

Maybe you need to redefine who you are somewhat.

Become ACTIVE to remidy your situation.

Allen

puffer


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#247762 - 09/01/08 06:34 PM Re: just call me pariah [Re: pufferfish]
MarkK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/02/07
Posts: 2502
Loc: Denver, CO
Originally Posted By: pufferfish
Maybe you need to redefine who you are somewhat.

i have ... redefined ... who i am for years, trying to be what others wanted/expected/whatever - so i could have "friends".

instead, i think maybe i need to finally accept what i am. and am not.

m


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#247897 - 09/02/08 03:11 PM Re: just call me pariah [Re: MarkK]
mogigo Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/24/07
Posts: 1331
Loc: Colorado
I thought I was a friend

You pushed me away
and I said fuck you.
You took so much time
but I said "I get you"

Time went on
and I knew what the issue was
I've spent so much time
pushing away, what in my mind what worked

I'm sad now Mark
I know you don't need me
it won't stop my life
it won't stop my life

but I'm sad Mark
not a poem to make you sad
not a poem to make you feel bad
not a poem to gain anything

Just a poem to say I'm sad


Mike

_________________________
Thriving

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#247912 - 09/02/08 06:44 PM Re: just call me pariah [Re: mogigo]
MarkK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/02/07
Posts: 2502
Loc: Denver, CO
Originally Posted By: mogigo
I thought I was a friend

You pushed me away
and I said fuck you.
You took so much time
but I said "I get you"

Time went on
and I knew what the issue was
I've spent so much time
pushing away, what in my mind what worked

I'm sad now Mark
I know you don't need me
it won't stop my life
it won't stop my life

but I'm sad Mark
not a poem to make you sad
not a poem to make you feel bad
not a poem to gain anything

Just a poem to say I'm sad


Mike - i initially responded to this ...

but i decided i'm not going to have this discussion again - and especially not in public

M




Edited by MarkK (09/02/08 10:00 PM)

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#248014 - 09/03/08 12:10 PM Re: just call me pariah [Re: MarkK]
JustScott Offline
Greeter Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/27/08
Posts: 2573
Hey Mark, I so understand those feelings.

Met with my T yesterday and one thing that came up is that apparently I'm afraid of being alone and isolated.... yet this is exactly what I do to myself all the time.... how weird is that?

Don't give up, perhaps sometime in October we can hang out and watch everyone leave us alone ;-)


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#248034 - 09/03/08 02:59 PM Re: just call me pariah [Re: JustScott]
MarkK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/02/07
Posts: 2502
Loc: Denver, CO
Originally Posted By: JustScott
Met with my T yesterday and one thing that came up is that apparently I'm afraid of being alone and isolated.... yet this is exactly what I do to myself all the time.... how weird is that?

Don't sound weird to me - sounds like you've been reading out of my journal ...

Originally Posted By: JustScott
perhaps sometime in October we can hang out and watch everyone leave us alone

... put a sign overhead that reads "Purposed Rejects Only" ... ?

M



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#248035 - 09/03/08 03:00 PM Re: just call me pariah [Re: JustScott]
mogigo Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/24/07
Posts: 1331
Loc: Colorado
sorry, you're right, I'll leave you ALONE

_________________________
Thriving

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#248041 - 09/03/08 03:42 PM Re: just call me pariah [Re: MarkK]
ineffable Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/08
Posts: 1371
Loc: state of holeecrapdood
The thing about sarcasm is one never knows if it is a jest or not.

ok... I'll bite & offer this in the spirit of giving you what you have asked for.

"Here at MS you can be called
by anything desired
sometimes Big M or little m
for now you are Pariah
Pariah, Pariah, I'll call Mark K Pariah" *

*sung to the tune of "They call the wind Mariah" from "Paint Your Wagon"

Br'oddway C





Edited by ineffable (09/03/08 04:07 PM)
_________________________
:: "Anyone who can handle a needle convincingly can make us see a thread which is not there" ::


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#248044 - 09/03/08 04:01 PM Re: just call me pariah [Re: ineffable]
MarkK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/02/07
Posts: 2502
Loc: Denver, CO
Originally Posted By: ineffable
Pariah, Pariah, I'll call Mark M Pariah

i'd change the 'M' to 'K' - in keeping with my posting name

'Pariah, Pariah, I'll call Mark K Pariah'

when i titled my poem, i wasn't thinking of it as an actual request ... but i suppose if that's how it's seen, then an answer to it is to be expected - and therefor accepted - in the very spirit it would appear to have been given.

M&m



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#248052 - 09/03/08 05:07 PM Re: just call me pariah [Re: MarkK]
Trucker51 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/20/08
Posts: 2826
Loc: Denver, CO
I have an unopened copy of Paint Your Wagon in VHS if anyone would like to borrow or buy it!!!

Sorry to see you hurting again, my man, so I thought that you might enjoy some more of my sick kind of humor again!!!

Hoping that you are feeling better.

Broomfield Mark

_________________________
"We stay here, we die here. We've got to keep moving". Trucker Mark



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#250133 - 09/18/08 06:16 AM Re: just call me pariah [Re: Trucker51]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Mark,

You comment that hope is for the young, but I don't believe that. I think we are never too old to hope; that's what keeps us going from one day to the next, even when things look very dark indeed.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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