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#247139 - 08/28/08 08:04 PM There's no point denying, i'm scared!
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 1963
Loc: durham, north england
Hi.

appologies for yet another topic on my love life, ---- or lack of, but this probably needs one. i was going to wait and see what happened before posting about it, but as I said in the subject, i think I've sort of got to.

okay, three weeks ago, just before I went off to the light opera festival I was in the library with my dad choosing some books. A girl walked up and asked if I was Luke, ---- at the time I didn't recognize her. she then reminded me who she was. We'd met three years before through a mutual friend, and had dinner together, but correspondance betwene us sort of petered out. It was however one of the occasions when my parents were fairly convinced someone was interested in me, ---- and as usual, i wasn't.

She wasn't as I remebered. I remembered her as quite nervous andhesitant, ---- that was gone. I was amazed how much she remembered about me, ----- a lot of small details. Eventually, she had to dash off and the final conversation literally went like this:

her: "would you like my E-mail address?"
me: "well actually, i'm at a music festival for the next three weeks and not sure about net access, ---- how about your phone number?"
her: "alright, when you get back we'll need to go out for dinner"

Well, I'm back, and next week is looming. We've had several phone conversations sinse then. She seemed to say several things that were complementary, about my appearence when we met (very odd, sinse I wasn't wearing anything special), and especially that she appreciated talking to (in her words), someone intelligent.

Now, i'm not sure what to do next. I'm interested, ---- but I'd like to know what's happening before I do something stupid and end up falling in love again, which i well might.

Sinse I'm really bad at the physical stuff, my friends have advised me at some point in the evening to just plane ask her if this is a date or not. That idea is moderately terrifying, ---- but a lot less terrifying than getting into the same sort of mess I did last november with ****, and a good less terrifying than the thought of her doing anything physical.

in fact two weeks ago I had an incredibly awful nightmare in which we started by just holding hands (as I would want), then suddenly she was doing to me several of the things my abusers did.

then of course, i stil have part of me telling me that nobody could possible be interested in me anyway, and she's only being incredibly tolerant.

I had wanted to wait, and not invest too much on this, and just let everyone know how it eventually turned out, ----- if indeed anything did happen. I've tried to keep myself busy and occupied with other things (easy to do when I'm performing), but now i'm thrown back on my own resources that's not working quite as well.

has anyone please got some advice?

i'm really sorry for yet another topic on this. sometimes I just wish I didn't want a close relationship with someone and could just go on without it, sinse all it's ever bought me is trouble.


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#247184 - 08/28/08 11:04 PM Re: There's no point denying, i'm scared! [Re: dark empathy]
NatureDrum Offline
New Here

Registered: 12/08/07
Posts: 116
de,

I think it is great that you have connected with this woman. She wants to be with you and you have done some good work to be with her.

I hear you on the scared part. I just got off the phone with a woman who I am interested in. We are friends at work and this was the first time I called her at home. I have been frightened about calling her for a week and now that it is over I feel pretty good. We both talked of some insecurities we have and it went well.

Can you tell her you want to take things slow? That you like being with her but need some time to be comfortable in the relationship before moving into the physical?

I understand what you mean about wishing you could get along without a close relationship, but this sounds like a good opportunity to move further down that path.

Peace to you,
Nat

_________________________
Negotiating the treaty for peace of mind.

My Story

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#247190 - 08/28/08 11:36 PM Re: There's no point denying, i'm scared! [Re: NatureDrum]
coaster fan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/17/07
Posts: 11
Dear Dark Empathy,
Please do not feel that you are under so much pressure when a woman is attracted to you.
You are not under any pressure, you can take the time to get to know her.
There are plenty of fish in the sea. If it is special, you will know!
Best wishes,
CF


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#247192 - 08/29/08 12:04 AM Re: There's no point denying, i'm scared! [Re: coaster fan]
NY Daisy Offline
New Here

Registered: 02/29/08
Posts: 183
Dark Empathy,

Everyone has insecurities when they meet a potential love interest. She may be saying alot of the same things to herself. To meet and fall in love, you must be willing to take chances. If you don't, you will never know what type of person is most compatable with you.

Try not to focus on any mistakes you think you have made in the past, and focus on the now. Take it one day at a time, go slow, enjoy the moment, and leave the expectations at home.

Keep us posted on how it went, Warmly, NYDAISY


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#247212 - 08/29/08 07:02 AM Re: There's no point denying, i'm scared! [Re: NY Daisy]
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 1963
Loc: durham, north england
Thanks people.

nat, the problem I have is I'm not sure whether we have connected or not. i've always assumed, nobody could! be interested in me, that even my closest friends were just being tolerant. This is one of the major struggles I've had in recovery. Even though i'm usually able to pick up people's general feelings, I have absolutely no ability at all to pick up someone's good feelings towards me.

this is one of the major things I've tried to do with my recovery, hence the use of logic and my parents' opinion here, -- and I might stil be wrong.

That's why I'm nerving myself to just ask her, sinse otherwie things will just end up going nowhere as they have with every other person i've been interested in, ----- or worse, i'll end up falling completely in love and in a real mess. I'm really not looking forward to asking, ----- if it is a date afterall, it'll be my first one ever! but it's better than the alternative.

Cf, as I said, I'm not even sure that she is! attracted to me. The bane of my life is the annoying sterriotype that if your male, your just supposed to pick this up, where as if your female you wait around for him to do something. if I could know for certain that someone had more feelings for me, i could then talk to them about the physical stuff I think. The problem is, (as I said), my self isteme keeps telling me nobody has. In fact the only girl i'm ever happy about being very physically close to is an incredibly blunt spoken friend of mine who quite freely said at one point "I like you, but not in that! way" a feeling which is very much mutual.

You seem to have hit the nail on the head here Dazy. Sinse nobody (to my knolidge), has ever fallen in love with me, I've no idea what sort of person i'm most compatible with at all, in fact I don't even want things to go particularly far, I just want a communication which is more than friendship, something I haven't had before. i've seen other people with it, ---- so I certainly know what it is, but to get there I need something different to happen.


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#247236 - 08/29/08 09:18 AM Re: There's no point denying, i'm scared! [Re: dark empathy]
Junefriday Offline


Registered: 06/05/08
Posts: 113
Loc: Canada
Dark empathy, please don't take this harshly, but you are spending waaaaay too much time thinking about this. A girl wants to hang out with a boy. That is pretty simple. Why not just leave it at that at least for now.

While you are out, just enjoy yourself. Get to know her. Let her get to know you. Be a gentleman in the sense of opening the door for her (you actually sound like the type who would do that for anyone, date or not), paying for her, etc. But be yourself! If she likes you, she'll give you hints - sitting closer to you, touching your arm, your leg, laugh at things you say, suggest going out again. Don't feel pressured to "put the moves on her". Sometimes the physical urges make things go too fast in any relationship and you sort of cheat yourself out of all the fun stages. There is honestly a lot of fun getting from first base to a home run over time and you don't want to deprive yourself of those wonderful feelings and the anticipation of what is next.

If after you go out you are still unsure if it was a date, then ask her. But, if you ask her right from the get-go and she says no, you'll be bummed. And you'll have spoiled a night out with a nice person. Even if she isn't interested in a relationship with you, she is interested in getting to know you. That is always a good start and everyone needs more genuine friends.

All you need is that one special person to fall in love with mutually. It will happen when the time is right. To get to that point though, you definitely need to work on your self-esteem. I know it is hard. Have you ever asked your friends what they like about you? I am sure some of their rationale will be surprising and you might learn things about yourself; things they see that you don't.

Good luck Dark empathy - you souund like a wonderful, caring person. You deserve happiness.

_________________________
"Love comes to those who still hope even though they've been disappointed, to those who still believe even though they've been betrayed, to those who still love even though they've been hurt before.

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#247371 - 08/30/08 02:03 AM Re: There's no point denying, i'm scared! [Re: Junefriday]
1islandboy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/23/08
Posts: 858
Loc: washington
I'm with June Friday,


What is a date? Is it like some type of dried fruit?

Seriously, Neither one of you needs to take one another prisoner.


Just enjoy each others company. I agree, wouldn't be a bad idea to sneak in the take it slow part, at some point.


I found the, "Easy does it dating guide", a helpfull read. (There is an easy does it Relationship guide) in case you ever get in deep.


Tell you what, My best advice (What I am most guilty of) In order to feel comfortable, I tend to dominate a conversation.

Simply listening more and talking less, will provided you an excellent opportunity to learn more about HER, And give you time to formulate more witty responses with less stress.


A rose by any other name,does it not smell as sweet? (Shakespeare)

A date by any other name, is STILL, a dried piece of fruit.


island

_________________________
Rise above the storm and you will find the sunshine ~ M.F. Fernandez

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#247498 - 08/30/08 06:53 PM Re: There's no point denying, i'm scared! [Re: 1islandboy]
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 1963
Loc: durham, north england
Hi.

the problem is, all those "enjoyable stages" are for me, things I don't recognize. I've gone out for drinks or meals with a lot of female friends on many occasions, I've had long and interesting conversations with them, ---- but that is all, they are friends. As you guessed, i've also done all the door opening etc, though i'd equally do that for a male friend. In fact, even though most of my friends are female, i can't honestly think of anything I could do to indicate I was interested at all, and likewise I can't think of any time someone's been interested in me.

My parents or friends claime that people, ---- including this girl, have been in the passed, but I just can't see that.

If they give any signals, laughing etc, i just can't pick that up at all, ---- and as for touch, I literally flinch. That's why i'd like things confirmed, just so that I know where I am and can then honestly say "I'm uncomfortable with touch, can we take it slowly"

I've never, to my knolidge ever tried to put the moves on anyone, in fact I find both the implication and the phrase slightly distasteful.

As for "give it time" well, I'm 26, and have stil never! been kissed. i've been at university for 7 years, all the friends I started with are now on their third or fourth serious relationship, ----- several getting married, and stil, the closest i've ever been to anyone was during my abuse, --- and that hurts! alot!

what is wrong with me?

so that's why I've settled on the asking if this is or is not a date stratogy. I certainly don't plan to do it at the start of an evening, i'll wait for a moment in the conversation to ask, ----- probably later on. it's the only thing I can think of to do, because if I don't do anything nothing will happen again, or such is my thought.


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#247511 - 08/30/08 08:20 PM Re: There's no point denying, i'm scared! [Re: dark empathy]
Lee73 Offline


Registered: 05/26/08
Posts: 32
DE--

You sound a lot like my guy. I'm the first girl he ever went on a "date" with, although he did have other women in the past who tried to throw themselves at him who he was not interested in. I'm not sure what was so different about me that made him want to take things further than with anyone else. There seemed to be huge growing pains for him as it relates to learning how to be in a relationship also. He's 35 and also has never kissed a girl, let alone done anything else, so I don't think there is anything "wrong" with you. It's a by-product of what you've been through in your past. He also flinches when touched and is trying to learn how to overcome that. We never had a conversation on whether we were "dating" or not. I think it was just assumed. I tend to agree with the others that asking her whether it's a date or not on a first outting might not be the best move. Things have a way of evolving naturally if there is chemistry and romantic interest. Sometimes people aren't sure if they're interested in "dating" someone until they've gone out once or twice so you might be putting her on the spot. But, it does sound to me that she is interested in dating you if she was so bold as to ask you out to dinner and give you her contact info without you asking for it. Also, someone remembering you so well 3 years later when you didn't know each other that well. Those are "signals" that you said that you're not usually able to pick up on. I still think you should wait until at least a second meeting to ask her that question. Perhaps she won't know if it's a "date" yet either quite so soon. Thanks for sharing your story. It helps me to understand a little better what might have been going through his mind as well, especially when you mentioned not knowing how to show someone if you were interested in them. I've often wondered why he can't express his interest when I can tell that it's there.

Lee


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#247513 - 08/30/08 08:32 PM Re: There's no point denying, i'm scared! [Re: dark empathy]
michael banks Offline


Registered: 06/12/08
Posts: 1755
Loc: Mojave Desert, Ca
Luke,

This ladyfriend is definitley interested in you.
She aproached you and gave you her phone #.
She remembered alot of small details about you.
She even asked you out to dinner when you got back.
Where I come from that is a date.
When you met, she gave you complements on your appearence and intellegences.

Step thur your fear.
Be honest with her if your interested and see if she feels the same.
At least the suspense will be over and you will know one way or the other.

Don't allow your fear to cause you to run away.
You deserve good things in your life.
Reach out for those things that you want out of life.
You will be surpised what you will get if you just ask.

Wishing you the best

mike

_________________________
To own one's shadow is the highest moral act of a human.
-Robert Johnson-

"IT ought never be forgotten that the past is the parent of the future" John C. Calhoun

WOR Alumni Sequoia 2009

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