Newest Members
Lumpy, squeekinby, rhyoung, Jefferson22, OxfordArms
12369 Registered Users
Today's Birthdays
freddie (65), Max10 (56), Medos (46), PJinLB (47), TheWookinizer (27), tofeno (40)
Who's Online
3 registered (sadclown, finallyhere, 1 invisible), 14 Guests and 5 Spiders online.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Forum Stats
12369 Members
74 Forums
63578 Topics
444190 Posts

Max Online: 418 @ 07/02/12 07:29 AM
Twitter
Page 1 of 2 1 2 >
Topic Options
#246743 - 08/27/08 10:37 AM Confrontation/Accomplished
KENKEN Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/25/07
Posts: 762
Loc: NOTHERN COLORADO
As many of my friends here at Male Survivor know, I set out this past week to confront my brother. His sexual abuse of me and my body took place many years ago. This "mission" was for my benefit only. My constant nightmares is something that has effected me for so very long. I am hoping and praying with this big step behind me, the nightmares will lesson.

The confrontation took place Sunday, in my hotel room, near where my brother lives in northern Wisconsin. What I set out to do and say was accomplished. I am very happy and feel good about how I "held up".

I did not get a response back from him what I had hoped for. And I was fully aware and ready for the lack of response from him. HE NEVER ADMITTED TO SEXUALLY ABUSING ME NOR DID HE SAY HE WAS SORRY.

He left by saying, "I guess this is it between us"? I just said, "that is up to you". So he now has that choice to make. But I now know, whatever happens will be on my terms.

I don't know right now how I really feel emotionally about this. I have 6 other siblings that I did also send/mail a letter to last Friday. I did not specify who my abuser was, but I don't think it will be very hard for them to come to the conclusion, it was their other brother who abused me.

I may write/post more later.

Thanks for listening

Ken

_________________________
I AM A GOOD PERSON, I AM A GOOD MAN

From the Movie: Antwone Fisher

***WOR ALUMNI SEQUOIA MARCH 2008***

Top
#246744 - 08/27/08 11:08 AM Re: Confrontation/Accomplished [Re: KENKEN]
conflicted Offline


Registered: 08/02/08
Posts: 45
Loc: Greenville, SC
Ken,

You are amazing! thank you for letting us know the outcome. even though your brother's response was not what you wanted, your step in healing has happened. i am so proud of you... for your courage and fortitude... and RESOLVE. btw: at least he came to meet you.

When i confronted my perp, it did not turn out this way... i was raped again. But I still feel that i had to do it, and if i were given the opportunity to go back to that day, as painful as it was, i would still choose to confront him.

you are among friends who care for you... keep in touch!

bill

_________________________
Masquerades are a lot of fun, until you see it is really your life.


my story...finally out *triggers*

Top
#246750 - 08/27/08 11:41 AM Re: Confrontation/Accomplished [Re: conflicted]
Born to Resist Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/30/05
Posts: 269
Loc: Southern California, USA
That is awesome! You are very brave!! I hope that one day I can do what you have done. Most importantly you did this for you on your terms!

Courage-Spirituality-Wisdom


Top
#246770 - 08/27/08 01:48 PM Re: Confrontation/Accomplished [Re: Born to Resist]
blueshift Offline
Guest

Registered: 01/21/08
Posts: 1242
Loc: infinity
Congratulations! Good Show! I know it was a difficult step to make and, however satisfying or unsatisfying the outcome may be as far as your brother's reaction, it's still a huge milestone for you I'd say. Salutations soldier!


_________________________
My Story
My Art

Top
#246772 - 08/27/08 01:54 PM Re: Confrontation/Accomplished [Re: KENKEN]
Stephen_5 Offline
BoD Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 09/12/00
Posts: 667
Loc: Northern California Foothills
Ken,

His response was inconsequential to your recovery; you did this for you and you alone! I'm very proud of you. You went into this knowing that you might be ostracized from your family. So many people just don't understand how we have been affected by the CSA that happened a long time ago. Time doesn't heal wounds like ours; the truth does.

Take good care of yourself,

Steve

_________________________
I want to stay as close to the edge as I can without going over. Out on the edge you see all kinds of things you can't see from the center.
Kurt Vonnegut (1922-2007)

Top
#246774 - 08/27/08 02:00 PM Re: Confrontation/Accomplished [Re: Stephen_5]
MarkK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/02/07
Posts: 2502
Loc: Denver, CO
As I've said to you in person, on the phone, and in PM's - I am very proud of you, Ken! When things started to look like they were going to fall apart - you took control and brought it back on course. You managed it. You kept control of your safety.

The outcome may have not been everything you wanted - but it DID take place. On your terms.

You remain an inspiration to me to forge ahead.

M


Top
#246776 - 08/27/08 02:18 PM Re: Confrontation/Accomplished [Re: MarkK]
kutcher Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/16/08
Posts: 99
Loc: Delaware
Ken,

What an amazing act on your part. I don't think I could have done it. You are quite brave and you give me hope that someday I will be at that point as well.


Top
#246795 - 08/27/08 04:06 PM Re: Confrontation/Accomplished [Re: KENKEN]
Barkabus Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/09/08
Posts: 809
Ken,

You ARE the man! Wow! That's just how we are to take back control from those who seized it from us when we were too young and defenseless to stop it.

I am sure your brother is in shock now. He knows what he did to you. He always knew. Now he knows you are no longer a victim. You, sir, are free of his power and control.

You are an inspiration to us all Ken. Thank you for not only taking this huge, scary step forward in your recovery but thank you for sharing it with us too.

Mike



Edited by Barkabus (08/27/08 04:07 PM)
_________________________
My Story

Top
#246798 - 08/27/08 04:15 PM Re: Confrontation/Accomplished [Re: conflicted]
Barkabus Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/09/08
Posts: 809
Quote:
When i confronted my perp, it did not turn out this way... i was raped again.


{{{{{Bill}}}}}

Unbelievable! This is horrible. I am so sorry that in your attempt to confront and take control back that your perp just did what he has always done...brutally take it from you again.

This may be worth its own thread. I'd like to know what the aftermath was for you and how you came to the place of knowing you still did the right thing and would do it over again. Of course only if you feel safe enough to talk about it. Again, this is probably suited for another thread.

Mike

_________________________
My Story

Top
#247038 - 08/28/08 12:29 PM Re: Confrontation/Accomplished [Re: Barkabus]
michael banks Offline


Registered: 06/12/08
Posts: 1755
Loc: Mojave Desert, Ca
Ken,

You just took great leap forward in your recovery.
I am so proud of you.
Your brother's reaction was really immaterial anyway.
Keep us updated on how your family reacts to your letters.
wish you the best.

mike

_________________________
To own one's shadow is the highest moral act of a human.
-Robert Johnson-

"IT ought never be forgotten that the past is the parent of the future" John C. Calhoun

WOR Alumni Sequoia 2009

Top
#247054 - 08/28/08 01:20 PM Re: Confrontation/Accomplished [Re: michael banks]
hogan_dawg Offline
Guest

Registered: 03/26/08
Posts: 492
Ken I would hazard a guess that a huge percentage of abusers won't say they're sorry or take responsibility. So he's by no means 'special' - he's 'common'. However, your courage to approach this challenge was very special, by sharp contrast. ;\)





Edited by hogan_dawg (08/28/08 01:21 PM)
_________________________
I can say unequivocally that the lie of "To truly heal you must first forgive" has derailed more victims than the abusers themselves.
Andrew Vachs, 2003

Top
#247170 - 08/28/08 09:34 PM . [Re: hogan_dawg]
bardo213 Offline
Guest

Registered: 11/21/07
Posts: 811
.


Edited by bardo213 (06/21/13 06:19 PM)

Top
#247188 - 08/28/08 11:26 PM Re: Confrontation/Accomplished [Re: bardo213]
KENKEN Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/25/07
Posts: 762
Loc: NOTHERN COLORADO
lynchmob,

I sent you a PM regarding your response to my post.

Ken

_________________________
I AM A GOOD PERSON, I AM A GOOD MAN

From the Movie: Antwone Fisher

***WOR ALUMNI SEQUOIA MARCH 2008***

Top
#247296 - 08/29/08 05:34 PM Re: Confrontation/Accomplished [Re: KENKEN]
ktaylor7 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/02/08
Posts: 8
Loc: South Carolina
I am proud of you for taking the risk of confronting your brother. How he responded is not important, it's how you respond that matters. I have chosen not to confront my abuser. He is now under house arrest because of what he did to others. I have forgiven him and that was the healing that I needed. I do not wish him harm. I have taken my own freedom and you can too.

_________________________
Ken T.

Top
#247352 - 08/29/08 10:32 PM Re: Confrontation/Accomplished [Re: michael banks]
pufferfish Online   embarrased
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6867
Loc: USA
Kenken, that took a lot of courage. Wow. You did it! That is really something.

Allen

Puffer


Top
#247364 - 08/30/08 12:27 AM Re: Confrontation/Accomplished [Re: pufferfish]
1islandboy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/23/08
Posts: 860
Loc: washington
Kenken,

I admire your courage wounded warrior.

Now, it is time to wear the badge of courage and move forward.

The bottom line is even if he doesn't take responsibility. He owns the shame 100%.


Were not going to take it. (Twisted Sister)

island

_________________________
Rise above the storm and you will find the sunshine ~ M.F. Fernandez

Top
#247527 - 08/30/08 10:37 PM Re: Confrontation/Accomplished [Re: 1islandboy]
KENKEN Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/25/07
Posts: 762
Loc: NOTHERN COLORADO
I really appreciate all the positive responses to my post. They have helped me this past week to get through each day.

I have had a few moments of weakness, stress and anxiety this week. I have asked myself if I did make a good choice/decision to confront my brother as I did last weekend. It is sad for me that I have not heard from any of my siblings. Seems they have decided I'm not worth the bother anymore. Guess I am a bigger pain in their side than I thought.

But even saying this, I do feel good about myself. I feel more like I did what I had to do. I am a "big boy" and if they, my family, want nothing to do with me, that is their choice. I still feel determined to take full control of my life back. I want so much to get better and to learn better how to cope. I hope and pray my determination continues. I know I could not have accomplished so much of my healing without your help and the help from my close circle of friends and family.

Thanks for listening.

Ken

_________________________
I AM A GOOD PERSON, I AM A GOOD MAN

From the Movie: Antwone Fisher

***WOR ALUMNI SEQUOIA MARCH 2008***

Top
#247542 - 08/31/08 12:28 AM Re: Confrontation/Accomplished [Re: KENKEN]
michael banks Offline


Registered: 06/12/08
Posts: 1755
Loc: Mojave Desert, Ca
Ken,

Several years ago, I wrote letters to my four sibling asking them how they experience growing up in our family.
Only my youngest brother responded and I felt hurt that the others didn't.
I found out a few years ago it was because they just didn't want to rehash what they felt was in the past.
It had nothing to do with me personely.
So if you don't hear from them it probably has more to do with them then you.

mike

_________________________
To own one's shadow is the highest moral act of a human.
-Robert Johnson-

"IT ought never be forgotten that the past is the parent of the future" John C. Calhoun

WOR Alumni Sequoia 2009

Top
Page 1 of 2 1 2 >


Moderator:  ModTeam, TJ jeff 

I agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole discretion of MaleSurvivor.
I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor resources are AT-WILL, and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for any reason by MaleSurvivor.