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#246711 - 08/27/08 01:03 AM The best and worst thing about recovery
John Oarc Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/10/06
Posts: 633
Loc: Louisiana
I find myself, finding myself, more and more each day. Today I am seeing who I was and it is the best and worst thing I have experienced in my recovery.

I realize how much I have not been a part of my family, a shell to say the least. I used everything I could get my hands on for so many years just to hang on to living a lie. I used porn, beer, smoking, weight lifting, etc and it worked for a season. Today I am free from most of these mood altering objects and I am having to face myself in the mirror, I like the fact that I can see but I dont like what I have seen. I dont like who I was, and cant believe that I was so blinded by my childhood traumas. I am at the end of my recovery and I feel it, the end I mean the end of the past and the beginning of the present. I thought it would be a bed of roses waiting on me and it is in a way but this bed has a price. I have to deal with who I was and what I did and it is not a pretty picture. I have lost out on so much in my childrens lives, my family has not had a father or husband and that hurts. I am very happy to be with them now and can't wait for the next day's events troubles and all, I want to be there for them in the worst way, maybe trying to make up for the past lost or just trying to hurry up and get a grip on the current situations. Either way I am both happy and sad in the same breath. I will get over what I have lost soon, I know because I have been dealing with this recovery process for so long I know the procedures like the back of my hand and that is the only thing that is saving me now, all the therapy and the work I have done is proving its worth, I know this routine and I can handle the past, forgiveness, moving forward, because I have done it with so many parts of my life in this recovery. I am trained like a soldier, I know what to do next and I know how to handle this, I know when I need to see my T and I know to take the meds, I know when to slow down and when to be steadfast.

You may not see it or feel it working right away but it is working, it is preparing you for just such a day as this, this day I am experiencing right now.

It works, its not pretty, its not glamorous, its hard, its fun and exciting, it hurts, its scary, its crazy sometimes but it works.

By the grace of God, it works.

Do not give up your fight,

_________________________
Whatever It Takes, God


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#246716 - 08/27/08 03:27 AM Re: The best and worst thing about recovery [Re: John Oarc]
dgoods Offline
Guest

Registered: 10/15/07
Posts: 622
Loc: Richmond area
Hi John,
I know that feeling of looking back on your life, and being grateful to finally understand what was the underlying drive behind all the bad choices, tunnel-vision, self-medication, etc.- but also having a sharpened sense of sadness and regret, when the lens pointing toward the past is no longer warped and clouded. I know i have to be careful not to get caught up in "if only...", but some grieving for "the life that might've been" is natural, i think. We can't turn back the clock, and we can't pretend the hands ever stop moving, either. However scary things might get, eventually sitting around listening to my soul rot becomes far more untolerable; i'd rather live with a little fear, than fear with a little life... thanks for posting.

_________________________
Give sorrow words: the grief that does not speak
Whispers the o'er-fraught heart and bids it break.

-William Shakespeare, Macbeth, Act IV, Sc. III

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#246722 - 08/27/08 07:18 AM Re: The best and worst thing about recovery [Re: John Oarc]
Sans Logos Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/31/03
Posts: 5791
Loc: in my own world in pittsburgh,...
Originally Posted By: John Oarc
By the grace of God, it works.


there it is! how can i stay out of the way while god brings me round right?

don't worry, god, that which is in you bringing you to fulfillment of purpose, will teach that too!

that's what i think!

thanks for sharing john,

your brother in recovery,

ron

_________________________
  1. the past
  2. ReClaiming Now
  3. advocacy


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#246727 - 08/27/08 09:00 AM Re: The best and worst thing about recovery [Re: Sans Logos]
DanM Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/09/07
Posts: 540
Loc: So. California
John,

I want to thank you for sharing that with us. When I read what you wrote, it was as if you were speaking for me. I could not have expressed myself more eloquently.

You are right, recovery/healing is hard work and not always pleasant. But the good thing, is that you learn that life is not always happy and fun..it is ok to be sad and overwhelmed sometimes. The key is to learn how to cope with these feelings/situations. In the past, I would just work harder and longer and isolate myself so I didn't have to face these feelings. I also distanced myself from my family and my wife. The is no question that my relationship suffered and we both drifted apart for a period of time. I am so thankful to God that I have been given a second chance at having a meaningful and happy life. I could have easily been lost forever or even worse dead.

I think it is wonderful that you can share your success and show that recovery is possible with a lot of work. As they say, "No pain, no gain".

Thanks again,

Dan


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