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#246730 - 08/27/08 09:24 AM Re: He is someone else *DELETED* [Re: Rachael]
sweet-n-sour Offline
Member

Registered: 10/03/06
Posts: 409
Loc: chicago
Post deleted by sweet-n-sour

_________________________
"As long as he continues to try, I will meet him in that determination and commitment."

cm 2007

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#246732 - 08/27/08 09:36 AM Re: He is someone else [Re: sweet-n-sour]
Abigale Offline


Registered: 07/16/08
Posts: 28
Loc: Northern NJ
Hi Rachael
I am speechless as well. I will keep you in my prayers. This site is wonderful. Helped me to understand that it is not me. It is him. My H is in T and it is helping him.
Good luck


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#246813 - 08/27/08 05:53 PM Re: He is someone else [Re: Abigale]
LittleMiss Offline


Registered: 07/02/08
Posts: 66
Loc: USA
Thank you all so much for your positive words. I know that I have gone on and on in these boards in the past few months, so I wanted to send out an update incase anyone was wondering.

Yesterday was my husbands birthday & we filed papers. THEN he called me last night about 9:30 and wanted to come over to "see me for his birthday" (we did NOT do anything physical). He said he ALWAYS wants to see me on his birthday. I said, that next year, that probably would not happen. He again said "you don't know what next year will be like, maybe we will be back together next year".

THEN about 15 minutes later when he was leaving, he started to spiral out of control. He said that he couldn't talk to me because there was too much emotion involved, but he could talk t her because there was no emotion. I asked what they talked about and he said "You have NO right to ask me that!" Then, he turned everything back on me - I didn't leave him alone, I had false hope, I was hanging on when we were obviously getting a divorce, he was trying to be my friend - but I was reading so much more into it.

I said YOU call me. EVERYDAY. YOU said "maybe we'll be back together". He said - "well, I was just being honest, but I guess I can't even be honest with you anymore".

So basically it came down to the fact that HE said we might get back together - which to him is how he feels & is the truth. But because I believed him, then I had false hope and was reading too much into it. There is no logic.

He gets really out of control too - face turns to stone, yells, hits himself, it is horrible & I can't even touch him.

I finally contacted his family. I gave them his cell# so they could call him for his B-Day. He didn't tell his sister we were getting a divorce - but he did tell his brother. He said we had "mutually agreed that it wasn't working out and we would be better as friends and we were both fine with it". ?!?!?!

They both called me as soon as they got off the phone with him. They both said "what is going on?!? he sounds like a totally different person"

So, I told them everything. It is my last hope to help him. Especially his brother, because he knows EVERYTHING. He knows about the CSA and how my husband has bouts of depression and everything. My husband would HATE that we were "talking about him", but I didn't know what else to do. I needed someone else to see the insanity (for lack of a better word). Someone else to CARE.

We talked several times today about a truck he is buying. He talks to me like I'm just someone he's making small talk with. I have to watch everything I say - so that I'm not "prying" or "judging" or "third degreeing".

I'm going away for the weekend - maybe we won't talk. It would be the first time in 7 years. (sigh) Everyone says I'll be ok (everyone that doesn't know the WHOLE situation). I just don't feel like I'll EVER be ok. And I don't think he will either.

_________________________
LittleMiss

The woods are lovely, dark and deep. But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep, And miles to go before I sleep.

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#246943 - 08/28/08 01:35 AM Re: He is someone else [Re: LittleMiss]
coaster fan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/17/07
Posts: 11
"you don't know what next year will be like, maybe we will be back together next year".

Dear Little Miss,
He certainly takes you and your love so much for granted, doesn't he?
I have heard of unconditional love, but this is really something else!
Good luck, and best wishes. You take care of yourself, please,
CF


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#246948 - 08/28/08 03:02 AM Re: He is someone else [Re: coaster fan]
1islandboy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/23/08
Posts: 862
Loc: washington
Dear Little Miss,

My heart bleeds for you.

I'm not sure if this helps, but I had a similar nervous breakdown many years ago.

I know it's hard, but I don't think its fair for him to live a double life, and expect to stay friends.

As you are handing out the life jackets, DON'T FORGET TO PUT ONE ON...!!!


Lunatic fringe, I know your out there. You're in heartache and I know what your looking for...(Red Rider)

Protect YOUR sanity...!!!

island

_________________________
Rise above the storm and you will find the sunshine ~ M.F. Fernandez

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#247032 - 08/28/08 12:00 PM Re: He is someone else [Re: 1islandboy]
NY Daisy Offline
New Here

Registered: 02/29/08
Posts: 183
LittleMiss,

My thoughts are with you. Try to have a good time this weekend. I think you did the right thing. Maybe his family can help him somewhat, and it takes a little of the pressure off you.

He really needs to get help for all this, if he doesn't he may never find himself or peace.

We are all here for you, NYDAISY


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#247035 - 08/28/08 12:15 PM Re: He is someone else [Re: NY Daisy]
Junefriday Offline


Registered: 06/05/08
Posts: 113
Loc: Canada
Hi LittleMiss,

We've talked lots about your situation and I am right there with you every step given that my husband is doing very similar things. But, I think now is the time for you to step aside. You trying to be his friend and trying to be his supporter is not good for you anymore. I know you know that you didn't do anything to deserve this, but you also don't deserve to continuously be subjected to this.

I think you need to take the weekend and not have any contact with him. When you return, if he asks why you didn't answer/return his calls, be straight with him - you love him, you want to be there for him. But, just as he needs to take steps to care for himself, you are doing the same thing. You will not allow yourself to be blamed anymore. So if he wants you in his life, he is going to have to control himself to treat you with respect. You need to cut the cord because it is starting to be a noose around your neck.

To use Islandboy's analogy, he is drowning. It is human nature to reach out to grab who is closest. But, often that person ends up drowning too. Do not let yourself drown in your effort to help him. Do what they teach in life-safey; throw a life-ring out to him for support, but keep your distance. Protect yourself first.

_________________________
"Love comes to those who still hope even though they've been disappointed, to those who still believe even though they've been betrayed, to those who still love even though they've been hurt before.

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#247039 - 08/28/08 12:36 PM Re: He is someone else [Re: Junefriday]
NY Daisy Offline
New Here

Registered: 02/29/08
Posts: 183
Well said June, LIttleMiss, I agree 100% with what she said.


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#247122 - 08/28/08 06:59 PM Re: He is someone else [Re: NY Daisy]
LittleMiss Offline


Registered: 07/02/08
Posts: 66
Loc: USA
You guys are great and I am so thankful that you are here. I went to my FIRST therapy session today. And I liked my therapist. I am going once a week for a while. Today was just "assessment" and I told her everything (well - everything I could fit into the hour and a half assessment time). She was mostly just getting the story today, but she did say a few things.

She said that even though I love him, I am not RESPONSIBLE for him. (that is a HARD one for me)

She said it sounds like his guilt of trying to live two completely different lives is eating him up inside and that may be why he is so insistant that I am "ok" and we are "friends".

I need to set BOUNDARIES - because he has created this entire situation and up to this point, been completely in control of this situation. (Ok - we all knew that, right?!?)

And - I set my first boundary!!! I am going out of town this weekend - leaving Friday after work and not coming back until Monday night. He has to keep our dog. He works Saturday, but is off Sunday & Monday. Last weekend he stayed at HER house all weekend because I had the dog. So, he wants to go to an amusement park on Sunday and "just doesn't know what else he'll get into this weekend", but was HINTING that I should come home on Sunday and get the dog so that he had at least Sunday & Monday to himself. I said "nope- already made the travel arrangements, sorry".

Well, then in the meantime, a friend said she'd take the dog for the weekend. So he called me today at work "to make sure I was still alive" because he hadn't talked to me since yesterday afternoon. I told him our friend would take the dog. He was like "great, are you going to take him to her house & pick him up?" Nope - opposite direction of where I'm going. You can call her and make arrangements if you want her to take him.

I know that all may sound trivial - but it is a HUGE step for me. I usually MOVE the freaking WORLD so that he is never inconvenienced or uncomfortable.

_________________________
LittleMiss

The woods are lovely, dark and deep. But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep, And miles to go before I sleep.

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#247124 - 08/28/08 07:16 PM Re: He is someone else [Re: LittleMiss]
Junefriday Offline


Registered: 06/05/08
Posts: 113
Loc: Canada
Good for you LittleMiss! That is a very huge step. I am so proud of you!

_________________________
"Love comes to those who still hope even though they've been disappointed, to those who still believe even though they've been betrayed, to those who still love even though they've been hurt before.

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