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#246650 - 08/26/08 05:32 PM He is someone else
LittleMiss Offline


Registered: 07/02/08
Posts: 66
Loc: USA
I haven't been on the board this month except for some private messages. It has just been too hard. I just wanted to post an update. My husband filed for divorce today. He is 100% sure he does not want to be married anymore. He has turned into a different person. He is going out with a group of guys that he used to consider SLIME. He is out in bars until 2 in the morning. He has met back up with some girl he knew growing up. She is 'just a friend' and he is taking her out with these people. He has described her as a 'hard biker chick'. He slept on her couch (supposedly) all weekend.

I cannot convey on this post how much of a TOTALLY OPPOSITE person my husband has become. We were together every single day for 7 years. Now he says this 'new' life is who he really is and he was faking all those years 'trying to be a perfect person'. If you could create my polar opposite - it would be this train wreck of a tramp he is 'friends' with. And these guys are his polar opposite.

When he started this job, he didn't hang out with them - he came home to me. He said that he hoped to be an example to them as to how to live their lives. Now he has become one of them.

He insisted that I move out a few weeks ago.

Even though he is doing all this - he still says he loves me just a much as ever. When I asked why I never got to go out with him & those guys - he said he didn't want me around those type of people because he cared about me too much. He says that even though we are getting a divorce, he CANNOT LOOSE ME from his life. I am the ONLY PERSON HE EVER GAVE HIS HEART TOO, OR EVER WOULD. He says that I am his BEST FRIEND. He says he misses me.

But one night I was at the house dropping off some paperwork. He was talking to me, rubbing my arm, the whole bit - SHE called and he said bye to me and went and talked to HER. Yet he insists it has nothing to do with her. HE IS TRYING TO FIND HIMSELF. He feels that he has been living a lie, even before he met me.

He doesn't talk to anyone WE know. He hasn't even told his family. He has just become someone else and I am DYING. I catch little glimmers of him from time to time - but then he's gone again. Up to 2 days ago, we were still having a physical relationship (incredibley unhealthy - I KNOW).

He is running away from everything good and submersing himself in everything bad. WHY WHY WHY??? He wouldn't even drink a beer at a BBQ before. He liked to eat dinner every night and be in bed by 10. He says he was just pretending to be perfect and that is why I loved him. I think all of you know that we are well aware our spouses are not perfect, especially with their special set of issues due to the CSA.

He says I was everything, but he is walking away like I am nothing. I am the only one who knows what the deep down issue is - but he won't deal with that - apparently he thinks this "new" life will keep him occupied enough to keep his mind off it.

These people have said "just do what makes you happy - get a divorce" - that is like telling a drug addict "do what makes you happy - have some crack".

I start therapy on Thursday. I am medicated because I started having really bad panic attacks. He took all his problems - gave them to me, then walked away.

_________________________
LittleMiss

The woods are lovely, dark and deep. But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep, And miles to go before I sleep.

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#246653 - 08/26/08 06:11 PM Re: He is someone else [Re: LittleMiss]
coaster fan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/17/07
Posts: 11
Dear LittleMiss,
I am so sorry this happened to you.
I sure know what you mean when you say he gave all of his problems to you, and walked away.
Take Care of yourself, and best wishes,
CF


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#246701 - 08/26/08 11:34 PM Re: He is someone else [Re: coaster fan]
Brokenhearted Offline
Member

Registered: 08/07/06
Posts: 644
Loc: TX
LittleMiss,
I am so, so sorry. My H says the same thing, that I'm the "best thing that ever happened" to him, but when asked if he'd mind if I kissed another man or had an affair due to all his rejection for so long, he says NO, he would not mind. What the ... .. ???

I have no idea what's going on either. Next month will be our 16th anniversary. He's filled too much of my life with (lies?) for me to just "forget about it."

I don't have any advice, only a kindred heart. This is a nightmare for so many of us. I'm on medication too. The horrible adrenaline rushes kept coming, but still I keep waking up to this horrible reality every day. So far it's been like having a really, really bad car accident every day for the past two years.

I've been shopping like crazy and so now I've got major credit card debt too. I'm just trying to help myself feel better.

Personally sometimes I think the only way to get rid of the pain would be to go into a hospital, go to sleep for about six months, and have a lobotomy to boot.

Girl, just know you are not alone. Thank goodness we have this site so we can meet others who are going through THE EXACT SAME THING. I know I would not be able to deal otherwise. This whole thing is too much for any one person to handle on their own.

Take care of YOURSELF.

_________________________
Brokenhearted

It were better for him that a millstone were hanged around his neck, and he cast into the sea, than that he should offend one of these little ones.
Luke 17:2

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#246702 - 08/26/08 11:35 PM Re: He is someone else [Re: coaster fan]
dangal Offline
New Here

Registered: 02/09/08
Posts: 222
Loc: seattle area
Oh my. I'm sorry, so sorry it has come to this. I was hoping that things would get better....hugs to you my friend. Chin up, I'm glad you are seeing a therapist.

_________________________
~Jen~
Life is to short to blend in

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#246705 - 08/26/08 11:47 PM Re: He is someone else [Re: dangal]
EGL Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 06/19/04
Posts: 7821
LittleMiss,

I read your story above and just sank in my chair. I'm so sorry you're going through this, it sounds like he has just pulled the rug out from under you and is now watching you fall.

I was glad to hear you say you have a T, as I think that will help a lot to get you through this. My first wife walked away from our marriage almost 30 years ago now, and it was not what I wanted to happen at the time. A lot of what you said about your husband sounded familiar to me, and made me hurt for you. I hope you get some peace in all this, you deserve so much better.

_________________________
Eddie

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#246706 - 08/27/08 12:18 AM Re: He is someone else [Re: EGL]
NY Daisy Offline
New Here

Registered: 02/29/08
Posts: 183
LittleMiss,

I am thinking of you. This has left me speechless. I want to say something supportive, but I am angry for you. You did not deserve any of this. He had no right to disrespect you like this. This is the sad truth for many of us. We give our men all of our love and support. We bend over backwards to make it all work. We sometimes sacrifice our own self esteem, we put aside our needs, we try and try and try, all for what?????? In the end sometimes it is still not enough. The sad reality is that this could be anyone of us at anytime. None of it is a sure thing. It's all a great big crap shoot. THIS IS JUST NOT FAIR!!!!

I guess I was not as speechless as I thought. Sorry for the rant.
You are a good person, I wish you did not have to go through this. Go to Therapy, focus on you, and distance yourself from him. YOU NEED THE BREAK, for your own wellbeing.

Warmly, NYDAISY


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#246715 - 08/27/08 02:53 AM Re: He is someone else [Re: NY Daisy]
dangal Offline
New Here

Registered: 02/09/08
Posts: 222
Loc: seattle area
I was thinking that exact same thing, this could be any of us at any time. We have no way of knowing what is going to trigger what and where the bottom is. It's awful and unfair. Little Miss has been an amazing woman and I don't see how he could walk away from that.

_________________________
~Jen~
Life is to short to blend in

Top
#246718 - 08/27/08 04:50 AM Re: He is someone else [Re: dangal]
dgoods Offline
Guest

Registered: 10/15/07
Posts: 622
Loc: Richmond area
LittleMiss,
Sorry to hear it's come to that. My ex-fiancee and i went from being the sort of couple that made other people sick from how rosy our life together was, to four years later sleeping apart, barely speaking, and mutually miserable. At the end, i would come home from work and hope there wouldn't be anything delaying going up to my "office", getting stoned, and surfing the net all night, while she just stayed down on the couch, numbly watching TV or finding any excuse to get out of the house for a while.

We'd have bouts of trying to get back to how it used to be, but i was too driven by my need to escape my own head, and she finally had enough, and left me. Today, i deeply regret how things turned out, and the pain and confusion i caused her, but there wouldn't have been any way of getting me to see anything at the time; i had to go through what i had to go through before getting to the point i'm at today.

We're friends today, but there's no way we'd ever get back together. She might've tried to stick it out beyond what she did, but in reality her decision was the best possible thing for both of us; she loved me, but realized she had to protect herself first. I was the one who couldn't admit the relationship had crumbled into a disaster, and would tell her things like your man's told you, and try to convince myself it was her inability to accept "the real me" that was the problem, rather than my inexplicable change in attitude and behavior.

Sorry for the long story, but i figured a sympathetic perspective from the other side of the coin might help a little.
At this point, you don't need your head being messed with being added to your heartbreak- it may sound harsh, but that sort of behavior of his is unacceptable, whether he can "help it" or not.
I had relationships in the past where i was manipulated into serving as their emotional toilet paper, where the rules always changed, i was always focused on *her*, and frantically struggling to keep up- all the time thinking it was something *i* was doing wrong.

Get some distance, and some solid support, and though it still hurts, over time clearly defined boundaries make any future events or interactions with him something you can cope with, without staying up all night twisting your head into knots.

BTW, you are *all* amazing women, don't forget that!

_________________________
Give sorrow words: the grief that does not speak
Whispers the o'er-fraught heart and bids it break.

-William Shakespeare, Macbeth, Act IV, Sc. III

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#246726 - 08/27/08 08:29 AM Re: He is someone else [Re: dgoods]
Rachael Offline
New Here

Registered: 08/27/07
Posts: 11
Loc: Qld Australia
Its been 4 days since he came back from a work trip and said he was unhappy and wants a break from me. Totally blindsided me. Ive slept 12 hours in those 4 days since and seen him for a total of 4. In the almost 2 years we have been together he has been Bi, straight, a guy no a girl no a guy no a girl and finally decided a few weeks ago that he WAS a guy. He blames his unhappiness on ME being unpredictable.


I have no words of advise, Im just another partner suffering because I cared.


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#246729 - 08/27/08 09:15 AM Re: He is someone else [Re: LittleMiss]
sweet-n-sour Offline
Member

Registered: 10/03/06
Posts: 409
Loc: chicago
Dear LittleMiss:

I'm so sorry for your pain in this. Something I've come to realize just recently may apply to this as well. When people treat others in their life poorly, especially those that they love the most, it is a true reflection on how they actually feel about themselves. I know this does not subtract how rotten this deal is, but it does seem that this may be the case here.

I know the only thing that you desire is for him to do a complete turn around. Even if it did, would you ever truly believe that it could go back to the way it was? Could you trust him again or would you be looking over your shoulder for the rest of your life?

In speaking to a variety of people over the past few years, I've begun to wonder if relationships are not truly designed to enable us to learn some profound lesson with each person. Once we have learned that lesson and grown, maybe there is something in the structure within us all that propells us forward onto a deeper level of enlightenment. Maybe either a couple grows together in a shared enlightenment or they grow apart to seek this on their own. Perhaps this is all a natural process but once something as difficult as csa is tossed into the equation, there is havhoc in our lives. Maybe I'm way off base here but then again, maybe there is some truth to this.

I am sending you positive support. I believe we all have a special destiny while here and I hope once this overwhelm passes, you find your happiness in that destiny. Life is way too short than to be showered in someone elses issues.

What another poster indicated further down on how he dumped his issues on you and left them there really seems like the proper perspective. Now it is your turn to leave those issues behind and live a positive life carrying only the good that you choose to carry.

Best wishes,
S-n-S



Originally Posted By: LittleMiss
I haven't been on the board this month except for some private messages. It has just been too hard. I just wanted to post an update. My husband filed for divorce today. He is 100% sure he does not want to be married anymore. He has turned into a different person. He is going out with a group of guys that he used to consider SLIME. He is out in bars until 2 in the morning. He has met back up with some girl he knew growing up. She is 'just a friend' and he is taking her out with these people. He has described her as a 'hard biker chick'. He slept on her couch (supposedly) all weekend.

I cannot convey on this post how much of a TOTALLY OPPOSITE person my husband has become. We were together every single day for 7 years. Now he says this 'new' life is who he really is and he was faking all those years 'trying to be a perfect person'. If you could create my polar opposite - it would be this train wreck of a tramp he is 'friends' with. And these guys are his polar opposite.

When he started this job, he didn't hang out with them - he came home to me. He said that he hoped to be an example to them as to how to live their lives. Now he has become one of them.

He insisted that I move out a few weeks ago.

Even though he is doing all this - he still says he loves me just a much as ever. When I asked why I never got to go out with him & those guys - he said he didn't want me around those type of people because he cared about me too much. He says that even though we are getting a divorce, he CANNOT LOOSE ME from his life. I am the ONLY PERSON HE EVER GAVE HIS HEART TOO, OR EVER WOULD. He says that I am his BEST FRIEND. He says he misses me.

But one night I was at the house dropping off some paperwork. He was talking to me, rubbing my arm, the whole bit - SHE called and he said bye to me and went and talked to HER. Yet he insists it has nothing to do with her. HE IS TRYING TO FIND HIMSELF. He feels that he has been living a lie, even before he met me.

He doesn't talk to anyone WE know. He hasn't even told his family. He has just become someone else and I am DYING. I catch little glimmers of him from time to time - but then he's gone again. Up to 2 days ago, we were still having a physical relationship (incredibley unhealthy - I KNOW).

He is running away from everything good and submersing himself in everything bad. WHY WHY WHY??? He wouldn't even drink a beer at a BBQ before. He liked to eat dinner every night and be in bed by 10. He says he was just pretending to be perfect and that is why I loved him. I think all of you know that we are well aware our spouses are not perfect, especially with their special set of issues due to the CSA.

He says I was everything, but he is walking away like I am nothing. I am the only one who knows what the deep down issue is - but he won't deal with that - apparently he thinks this "new" life will keep him occupied enough to keep his mind off it.

These people have said "just do what makes you happy - get a divorce" - that is like telling a drug addict "do what makes you happy - have some crack".

I start therapy on Thursday. I am medicated because I started having really bad panic attacks. He took all his problems - gave them to me, then walked away.




Edited by sweet-n-sour (08/27/08 09:25 AM)
_________________________
"As long as he continues to try, I will meet him in that determination and commitment."

cm 2007

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