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#246557 - 08/25/08 11:08 PM What am I doing wrong?
Brokenhearted Offline
Member

Registered: 08/07/06
Posts: 644
Loc: TX

Well, tonight I managed to gently ask my H if I’m the only one he ever told about his csa. He blew up at me and did not answer, just said “You’ve got no idea what you’re doing. Thanks for ruining the evening.”

So much for trying yet again to see if he’ll let me in. I just don’t understand. Everyone on MS says disclosure brought them closer (for the most part) and that it meant a great deal of trust and love on the part of the survivor to be able to tell a special person. I guess I got stuck with a completely backward survivor or something.

I’ve been so patient – he disclosed to me about 10 (?) yrs ago, and it’s been over 2 yrs since I brought it back up and told him everything I’ve read about it, that it seems to be the problem.

What am I doing wrong?

I have my first T appt here since we have moved Wed. w/ a therapist (female) who treats survivors and is on the MS therapist list.

_________________________
Brokenhearted

It were better for him that a millstone were hanged around his neck, and he cast into the sea, than that he should offend one of these little ones.
Luke 17:2

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#246560 - 08/25/08 11:54 PM Re: What am I doing wrong? [Re: Brokenhearted]
Lee73 Offline


Registered: 05/26/08
Posts: 32
Well, you're not the only one. Disclosure did not bring me and my guy closer. He shut me out completely, and he won't return any of my attempts at communication. Have not heard a peep out of him in over 3 months now. I don't have any solid advice on the subject of how to get them to open up but just wanted to let you know that you are not alone or ended up with a "backward survivor." Hopefully they will come around when they are ready, although it's torture on us waiting them out in the meantime.

Lee


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#246563 - 08/26/08 12:11 AM Re: What am I doing wrong? [Re: Brokenhearted]
WalkingSouth Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 16264
BH,

You're doing a good thing by going to the T, but as you probably already know, that will probably do little to help him make progress. It will help you to gain some perspective from a professional POV. That can't hurt. Certainly you can work on some of your issues by doing this.

You asked what you're doing wrong. Seriously, and this if from a man's POV, probably nothing. Sure, he may feel as if you're trying to manage him in some way, but what options do you have? Sitting back and saying nothing? Just putting up with his behavioral issues? You're not in a good place.

As I recall there are children to consider, and in the end your only choices may be to tear the family apart or just keep on dealing in silence, neither of which works too well.

Go to the appointment with the T. Work on the things within yourself that needs working on. Take it one day at a time. You're worth taking care of. Do so as best you can and see what happens.

Lots of love,

John

_________________________
“Life’s journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting ‘Holy ____…! What a ride!’” ~Hunter S. Thompson

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#246569 - 08/26/08 01:20 AM Re: What am I doing wrong? [Re: WalkingSouth]
Brokenhearted Offline
Member

Registered: 08/07/06
Posts: 644
Loc: TX
Lee, thanks, I feel less alone. So much for offering our support, huh. It's a hurtful place to be in.

And, John, good to hear from you again. Yes, you remember correcty, we have one child. I guess maybe some survivors will never be able to get close, huh? Is it possible that some are just hell-bent on shutting others out, even though they've had years of support and gentleness and devotion all along?

I am working towards getting a good job plus continuing my education, so whatever happens will be fine. It just breaks my heart that he won't let me in after this long of a marriage. I feel like a failure for him not to let me in after all this time. I tried to do everything right and gently and loving. I feel like somewhere, somehow, I did something wrong along the way and blew it. I don't like to give up and I always do my best at whatever. It's hard for me to just back off forever and consider leading separate lives. But it sure hurts to be shut out and he won't even hold my hand any more. It makes me feel like I smell bad or I'm not attractive enough - I know, "it has nothing to do w/ me," but I can't shake the feeling. It just hurts.

I will go to the T anyway and maybe she can help me learn to let go in case it comes to that. Thanks for being there for me.

_________________________
Brokenhearted

It were better for him that a millstone were hanged around his neck, and he cast into the sea, than that he should offend one of these little ones.
Luke 17:2

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#246570 - 08/26/08 01:30 AM Re: What am I doing wrong? [Re: Brokenhearted]
Lee73 Offline


Registered: 05/26/08
Posts: 32
I hate to see the partners blaming themselves for not doing enough. I hope that you do believe that it has nothing to do with you. You are NOT a failure. All this is really a lot bigger than us. It's too huge to deal with without the survivor seeking therapy and being ready for it. Please don't ever blame yourself. A relationship takes 2 people working diligently at it, and it sounds like you are definitely doing your part. As for him, hopefully he will get to the same place in time to save the marriage. Be strong and try not to let this affect your self-esteem. All you can do is be a strong and confident woman for yourself and your child. It's great that you are working towards education and career goals--I think that's always a positive thing. Hopefully the rest will fall into place.

Lee


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#246571 - 08/26/08 01:51 AM Re: What am I doing wrong? [Re: Lee73]
king tut Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/13/08
Posts: 2466
Loc: UK
maybe he is just not ready to talk about it. maybe he will never be able to talk about it. doesn't mean he is backwards. it is hard stuff.

_________________________
"...until lambs become lions"

I love you, little lewis, and i will never leave you. We are the same. You brighten my day, and i will make sure that i brighten yours. Hugs and kisses.


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#246574 - 08/26/08 02:57 AM Re: What am I doing wrong? [Re: king tut]
jggab Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/29/08
Posts: 53
Loc: California
Some of us just want it to go away. It seems better to ignore it than deal with it. It's a coping mechansism we learn from an early age. It doesn't mean that you have done anything wrong. . . it just means that he is not ready to work on it. It is extremely hard to come to terms with what has happened to us. It's just not something we want to readily talk about. And never really want to deal with it. . . but until we do. . . those issues will deal with us and control us until we decide to take back our control. It takes time and unfortunately there is no time limit.
Hang in there Brokenhearted. . . we are here for you and your husband whenever he is ready.

Jon


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#246703 - 08/26/08 11:40 PM Re: What am I doing wrong? [Re: jggab]
Brokenhearted Offline
Member

Registered: 08/07/06
Posts: 644
Loc: TX
Thanks again, guys. I'm hanging in there. Maybe if I just try to act like he's not even in my life at all...and just do what I need to do for myself...

It's just such a waste...I'm afraid we'll be old and senile sooner than we think and the bright and happy life we could have had together will be a distant memory.

I'm so upset that something like this, something this horribly hard to face even 30 years later, can ever happen to anyone.

_________________________
Brokenhearted

It were better for him that a millstone were hanged around his neck, and he cast into the sea, than that he should offend one of these little ones.
Luke 17:2

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#246709 - 08/27/08 12:44 AM Re: What am I doing wrong? [Re: Brokenhearted]
NY Daisy Offline
New Here

Registered: 02/29/08
Posts: 183
dear brokenhearted,

You did not do anything wrong, please try not to beat yourself up over it. I have to agree with KingTut, he may not be ready to deal with it, and nothing you do will make him, until HE is ready.

My h told me 13 yrs ago, and this issue has been worked, on and off, since then. We have finally turned a major corner, and I really believe it is because I have taken back control of ME.

Focus on what is best for you and your child, NYDAISY


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#246755 - 08/27/08 11:53 AM Re: What am I doing wrong? [Re: NY Daisy]
Born to Resist Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/30/05
Posts: 269
Loc: Southern California, USA
You didn't do anything wrong. Seeing a therapist experienced in childhood abuse will prove most beneficial. Ask your therapist about the possibility of writing a letter to your husband expressing your feelings and asking him to be specific about how he wants your support and if/how it would be okay to talk to him about it.

Courage-Wisdom-Spirituality


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#247140 - 08/28/08 08:12 PM Re: What am I doing wrong? [Re: Born to Resist]
Trish4850 Offline
BoD Liaison Emeritus
MaleSurvivor<

Registered: 10/15/05
Posts: 3280
Loc: New Jersey
BH,

You're not doing anything wrong and you're not a failure. He's not ready to deal with the csa and you can't make him, not by loving him and not by beating him over the head - I wish you could. I wish all of us could. Sadly, he doesn't seem ready to deal with anything having to do with your marriage either which is grossly unfair to you. I know you're sad, you've been sad for a long time. I hope your new T can help you bring some light into your life.

I'm thinking of you and hoping that the good things you're doing for yourself will help you through.

ROCK ON.......Trish

_________________________
If you fall down 10 times, Stand up 11.

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#247142 - 08/28/08 08:26 PM Re: What am I doing wrong? [Re: Trish4850]
Brokenhearted Offline
Member

Registered: 08/07/06
Posts: 644
Loc: TX
Thanks everyone. I saw my T Tues. After some visiting she told me a book she wants me to get that should start to help. Unfortunately, I've been blind to a bigger problem that we have than the CSA. It's the problem of my H's Narcissism. It's like a huge wall that won't let us deal w/ anything. I've ordered the book "Why Is It Always About You?" and also an eBook that I started reading on line. The eBook is good b/c it offers hope - it's written by a wife of a N and she learned to deal with him and finally got him to respect her, she had to get stronger than he and make him 'give up his game.' It is a bit like reparenting the child. He has to be taught that his manipulation, rudeness, etc., will NOT be tolerated, but at the same time, be reassured that he won't be abandoned. It's a delicate balance, but she said it totally worked and now he's 'cured' and they're very close, finally.

Anyway, if anyone is interested in the eBook I welcome PMs and I will let you know how to get it or just email it to you.

Thank you again for all of your encouragement. I just realized, no wonder I've been waiting so long, we can't possibly deal with his CSA until his N will abate and he will let me in first. The N is a bigger problem, can you believe that?! No wonder nothing's been working. Dealing w/ his CSA will have to come later. The N is the lead wall encapsulating him.

_________________________
Brokenhearted

It were better for him that a millstone were hanged around his neck, and he cast into the sea, than that he should offend one of these little ones.
Luke 17:2

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