THIS POST WILL SURPRISE A LOT OF YOU WHO KNOW ME:
I've been through a LOT of discovery in the past two days. I can see things I've never been able to see through the pain of "all that CSA stuff."
I re-read this thread and I want to puke! What a self-centered little fkg BRAT I was to write the original post.
"OH...GEE...things aren't just how I want them following my disclosure...boo-hoo!...OH...MY WORLD IS CRASHING DOWN cuz people cant handle it. Don't worry about that shrapnel in your arm...look at MY damage!
OK...the decision to disclose or not disclose IS in our hands. Its our decision and some of us cant and will not do it. That is fully our right!
The problem comes in when we start involving other people in a game where the rules are expected to be uniform for ALL players. In MY case, non-disclosure came in a few forms:
1) Pre-marriage: I never expected that stuff from my past to disqualify me from living like the normals. I figured that it was my job to ignore it all and move on. There are special storage compartments for stuff like that...I have lots of 'em. I'll store that crap and have a life.
OH!...Hi Lorie...will you marry me?
2) During marriage: Its funny how that stuff in storage leaks out and finds its way back home. OK...I'll sweep it up and dump it outside...no one needs to know about it.
What's that Lorie? Those issues...ah...nothing to be worried about. OMG!!! She's crying! I want to tell her...I really do...but I cant...I just cant. Maybe things will get better with time.
Time passes.... she's still blaming herself...shit!! I wish I could tell her...but tell her THAT??? No way! Can't happen. That would be like a Jew raising his hand in 1942 Munich saying "you forgot to pick me up guys."
3) Marriage Counseling: "Rob, all your symptoms point to sexual abuse in your past. Are you SURE you were not abused?" "NO FKG WAY was I ever abused as a child!!!....I swear on my children's lives Doc...I was never abused!!!!"
whew!!! that was close...they can see the trace-evidence but I can do one hell of a job denying it. OMG! She's taking it on herself...OH GOD I HATE WHAT THIS IS DOING! Those Catholic guys are sure brave...I'm not.
The end result of all that denial was a HUGE marital monster pushing it's way into our lives and taking over the relationship. I owned that monster. I could have killed it. I could have shown it the door. I chose NOT to.
We can go on and on about WHY i chose not to. But let us not forget that I am no longer just ME. I CHOSE to carry others along with me. I CHOSE to deny, deny, deny...even when...even though...even if...
A bomb went off. It was designed to kill ME. But I was not alone when it claimed its victims.
Disclosure was a mistake? No way! Willful denial was a omni-directional bomb that did nothing but buy me some time at the extreme and unfair expense of my wife.
Let me say it now! I OWN the damage done to others as a result of MY denial and non-disclosure. I'll go one step further and claim that I learned a lot from my perps with regard to not owning wrongs.
Disclosure a Mistake? Again... NO WAY! Being self-centered through a trial was the mistake. I hope this thread did not cause any damage for survivors and their SOs and spouses.
And let me take this opportunity to publicly apologize to Lorie. Her actions have been reactions to genuine pain realized through how I handled and mis-handled all of this. NO ONE is equipped to deal with a husband who has MY past. She's done VERY VERY well!
Edited by Robbie Brown (08/23/08 12:47 AM)
Imaginary friends are people too!