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#231907 - 06/19/08 02:14 PM Disclosure Was a Mistake
Still Offline
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MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6317
Loc: 2 NATO Nations
The following is from the Members-Only side of the site, thus I've eliminated names from quotes.

I'm offering an alternte perspective on disclosure because my experience is not only dramatically BAD but also true. Survivors and secondaries ought to consider this entirely contrary view of mine:
_______________________________________________________________________

Originally Posted By: Annon1
Rob, hey - long time no see. I am sorry to see you needed to delete your posts on this thread. But I wanted to add 2 cents.

For me disclosure has been a very mixed bag. Goes well with some and very badly with others. At least one friend I told in confidence slipped up and told another friend who I don't trust. I have since been informed that "everyone" in our friend group knows.

It sucks. But then why should it matter I guess. Here's hoping things get easier for you man.


As I recall, the deleted post described the absolute and complete folly realized via my disclosure. My life was SO much better pre-disclosure. Post disclosure, I've lost, or am losing everything good in my life. My life is going straight down the drain. "Why" you ask:

It is my position that non-CSA survivors cannot even begin to comprehend any aspect of what we deal with or experienced without their reactions and views defaulting to the current myths. We will NEVER dis-lodge the myths from the "normals." We will never (in our lifetime) be able to override and/or educate the "normals" with our reality - with the realities of abuse, power, manipulation, etc. To do so would require an element of education formed in grade-school and continued into High School. The "normals" have a firmly-installed library of misunderstanding and cliche reaction that only serves to further damage us on a grand scale. And Yes, I FULLY believe this to be true.

CASE IN POINT:


Originally Posted By: Annon2
Disclosing to my mom .... My mom demanded that I tell her. Mom's reaction to my discloser wasn't what I was hoping for. Among other things she asked me if any of my abuse was consensual !


I realize there are those that believe disclosure is healing, empowering and generally positive. I however have found it to be only slightly better than jumping from a tall building.

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#231910 - 06/19/08 02:41 PM Re: Disclosure Was a Mistake [Re: Still]
Justintime1 Offline


Registered: 06/19/08
Posts: 16
I like how you say its slightly better then jumping from a tall building. thats funny. I never told anyone anything before until last week when i told my friend and at first he made a joke then a day later he made some rude comment about it, so like you say, they cant understand like my friend cant understand. so, im with you on that, i dont think ill be telling anyone else ever.


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#231921 - 06/19/08 03:39 PM Re: Disclosure Was a Mistake [Re: Justintime1]
Trish4850 Offline
BoD Liaison Emeritus
MaleSurvivor<

Registered: 10/15/05
Posts: 3280
Loc: New Jersey
What happened for you was bad Rob, I know that. When I think of what you're going through, it makes me sad and I so wish I could make it all better. I can't of course, but I wish I could.

That being said, I disagree with your position that disclosure is a mistake. That's a blanket statement that just doesn't fly, besides, it's not the disclosure itself, it's who hears it. I have so much to say on this subject but I just can't right now. I'll be on later tonight though and I'll post more.

ROCK ON........Trish

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#231967 - 06/19/08 07:47 PM Re: Disclosure Was a Mistake [Re: Trish4850]
Still Offline
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Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6317
Loc: 2 NATO Nations
CASE IN POINT 2

Even the "enlightened" don't get it right.

Originally Posted By: Trish4850
Quote:
I remember when my H said he was abused and dealt with it, the therapist made a comment how people make a big deal about it, and keep it going well after it's been dealt with.


OK, that's the most absurd, unprofessional thing I've heard yet. I revise my first thoughts on this - sound to me like the guy is an ass who won't be of any use to either of you.

ROCK ON......Trish



Trish,

Allow me to flesh-out my position a bit further.

You say:

Originally Posted By: Trish4850
... it's not the disclosure itself, it's who hears it.


True, but we disclose to people. Someone has to be in the forest in order to hear the tree fall.

Now, many of us feel licensed to disclose in today's society as a result of recent publicity surrounding certain cases (catholics and such). Just because some very brave souls spoke-up and called offenders out, an enlightened public is not a defacto product.

CSA victims remained deathly silent for a very long time. This modern era is a unique one in that CSA victims are all of a sudden encouraged to disclose. A perceived license to disclose does not at all mean that we will be speaking/disclosing to a magically enlightened person. Are we actually expecting people to be able to respond properly just because they've heard a lot about the Father Porter case on the evenong news?

I think there are very good reasons behind the fact that throughout human existense the subject has been swept under the rug and/or never discussed. I believe the most compelling reason is that people are just not capable of handling it properly.

So is the variable I'm missing a matter of WHO we disclose to? Well, there is one MS Member who disclosed to his mother when he was about 12 years-old. He immeiate reaction was to blurt out "you let them do what???"

Isn't ones mother a likely candidate to whom we disclose? Look what happened to this poor guy.

So we disclose to District Attorneys (people) who may bring the case to a court/jury (more poeple).

So that's more of my position. It has little to do with my circumstances.

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#231977 - 06/19/08 08:11 PM Re: Disclosure Was a Mistake [Re: Still]
testingWaters Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/19/06
Posts: 508
I often feel like you are taking on a defiantly angry, nihilistic point of view about the world and your life and that you are sharing it here because you want other people to comfort you and, more importantly, to acknowledge your pain and your suffering as real and valid.

So I want you to know this: I hear you and I know how much you suffer and I am sorry that you do. It's not fair. I wish I could change it for you.

But unless you want to let your life go down the drain, someday you will have to take responsibility for comforting yourself, witnessing your own pain and being willing to consider that rigid beliefs like the ones expressed here become self-fulfilling prophecies.

And if you feel like that is beyond your control, consider it a giant red flag - we all are entitled to having determination about our life going down the drain.

Come on man. You deserve much more kindness than you are allowing yourself.


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#231979 - 06/19/08 08:18 PM Re: Disclosure Was a Mistake [Re: testingWaters]
Still Offline
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Registered: 02/16/07
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Originally Posted By: testingWaters
I often feel like you are taking on a defiantly angry, nihilistic point of view about the world and your life ...


Oh yes...I know you are correct there. It has been true since February 1968. Until I see evidense otherwise, I'll maintain my position.

I'm truly not seeking comfort or validation. My intent with the post was to warn drifters passing through town that Disclosureville may not be what they expected.

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#231995 - 06/19/08 09:10 PM Re: Disclosure Was a Mistake [Re: Still]
Trish4850 Offline
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MaleSurvivor<

Registered: 10/15/05
Posts: 3280
Loc: New Jersey
Ahh yes, the dreaded people. I've heard that before, many, many times before. It's been said to me as you are saying it here Robbie, like people is a dirty word. But you know what, there's no way around it; we're all people. Some good, some bad, some stupid. Some are ignorant for life, some are ignorant of a subject, but willing to learn. That's the category I fall into. I was completely ignorant of csa. I said wrong things when my b/f first disclosed, some of those things were hurtful, not that I meant them that way, but repeating them in my own mind now, I cringe and shudder to think what those stupid words must have done to him.

Yes, disclosure can go horribly wrong, especially when you disclose to a person you believe will be there for you and then they fail, but itís their failure, not yours. When a survivor discloses he opens the opportunity (1) for himself to begin or continue healing and (2) to educate the ignorant, but educatable person who loves and cares for him.

The pitfalls of disclosure are there, they should be discussed and prepared for. Yelling a disclosure from the mountain tops may not be a good idea, but continuing to suffer in silence definitely is NOT.

Below is a quote from a post I started on March 23, 2006. I didnít want to post this because I wanted to say everything I said there in this new post, but Iím too damn lazy right now, so this is the best I can do. It talks about the fears of this ignorant person.

Quote:
Before my b/f told me of the csa, I knew that he had been physically abused and that concerned me. You always hear about ďbreaking the chain of abuseĒ which leads you to believe that the abused will be an abuser. I thought long and hard about it over several weeks. I became more aware of his interaction with me, our friends and my family. Nothing in his behavior indicated that he would abuse or hurt another human being. My fears were unfounded and forgotten.

Several years into our relationship, he disclosed the csa. At that time, my daughter was about 15 years old. My thoughts again went back to everything Iíd read in the paper or seen on the news - the horror stories, the trials where the defense counsel would bring up mitigating circumstances, specifically that the defendant had been abused. I pride myself on accepting or not accepting people for how they act with me and mine, not whatís in their past. So why was I worried? Because I just didnít know and because I had not only me, but my child to worry about. Her safety and well-being depended on me and if I made a wrong decision, the ramifications would be devastating.

I loved and still love my b/f very much so I decided to learn. I knew in my heart that the idea of harming a child was as repugnant to him as it is to me, but I still needed to calm my own irrational fears.. This site and several others taught me that much more often than not, an abused child becomes a hurt adult and that hurt adult would never inflict that same hurt on another.

Today, Iím ashamed of my earlier feelings, but in my heart, I know they werenít malicious in any way and I believe that my concerns as a person uneducated and ignorant of csa were to be expected. Again, Iím ashamed of that now, but I just didnít know any better.

I felt so much pain because of the pain my b/f was in. I believed him, I hurt for him, I was angry for him, but when the dust settled, I was still stupid and I had to make that stupidity go away before I could be anything good for him or me.

Men, as if you donít have enough to deal with, Iím afraid that you also have to deal with an ignorant population, of which the person/people you choose to disclose to may be card carrying members. Thatís not to say we intend to stay that way, but when faced with a foreign fact, it takes time for the depth of that fact to sink in, be absorbed and dealt with.


ROCK ON........Trish

_________________________
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#232034 - 06/19/08 11:19 PM Re: Disclosure Was a Mistake [Re: Still]
evanescentjoy Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 12/28/05
Posts: 46
Hello Robbie,

I'm so sorry to hear that disclosure went so badly for you and for so many others.

I think a big part of it is letting the right people into your innermost circle. Part of that is developing a good sense of boundaries... Something that, unfortunately, was destroyed via the abuse.

I also have let the wrong people into my inner circle. Perhaps it may comfort you to know that sometimes, even those who seem to betray us with their initial reactions and responses later come around and realize their mistakes. Humans are flawed. And most people are either too selfish and insensitive or have not themselves come to terms with their own past hurts to acknowledge the pain of others.

I believe that true compassion is a learned virtue... One that perhaps can only be learned via strife. And not everyone becomes truly compassionate. Also, just because a person has not experienced the exact same hurts that you have does not mean that they cannot be compassionate to your experience.

I hope that your adverse experiences will not stop you from reaching out in the future. Someday, the right individual(s) will step into your life and prove "Disclosure Was a Mistake" wrong. But it will take a calculated risk.

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#232041 - 06/19/08 11:33 PM Re: Disclosure Was a Mistake [Re: evanescentjoy]
testingWaters Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/19/06
Posts: 508
But Rob, what I was trying to say is this - you should be seeking comfort and validation. You deserve it and that is not a bad thing. Unless you are somehow different than every other person on this planet, you NEED it as much as you need food. But until you are willing to be ok with needing it, how are you ever going to learn to see it as your right? No matter how fucked up the world is. Or how much ugliness.

I am going to stay away from this thread now because you don't seem to make the connection - you are telling us that you see there is "no evidence" that the world (or even just your own world) is not all bad. BUT you are saying this to a whole bunch of people who are offering you our time and energy and concern for you. Does our time and concern not represent a reason, in and of itself, to be less nihilistic?

This may come off rudely or otherwise wrong and I am sorry if it does. Love TW




Edited by testingWaters (06/19/08 11:33 PM)

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#232059 - 06/20/08 12:54 AM Re: Disclosure Was a Mistake [Re: testingWaters]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6317
Loc: 2 NATO Nations
I guess at the very root of it all is that I see an "us and them" dynamic...and they have continued to hurt me, you, us.

In grade-school they accused me of being "too sensitive for this world." I, however thought the world was dreadfully evil, scary and disappointing.

As I grew stronger they accused me of being too mean and hard...too jaded...too angry...too volatile. I, however knew that I had to wear armor and carry a sword...that evil abounds...that ignorance and self-centeredness of others will only serve to hurt me if I get too close.

So along comes weak-boy in 2006...trusting them...disclosing to them.

Some say "you wouldn't hide the fact that you were in a car accident as a kid...and you ought to treat your CSA similarly...to not be ashamed of it...to not silence it." Well, they never fault you for being in the car accident. They can relate to a car accident. Shit, anyone can end up in a car accident; especially a kid-passenger. Yup, when it comes to car accidents...they donít judge...they donít rely on myths as a basis of reaction.

CSA however carries with it way too much for the normals to handle. They have had the myths pounded into their skulls for years and years. Thus, the "us and them" dynamic is born.

There once were these T shirts that said "Its a Black-thing...you wouldnít understand."

Its a CSA thing...you wouldnít understand....and they don't.




Edited by Robbie Brown (06/20/08 05:13 AM)
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