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#246321 - 08/23/08 09:39 PM "Where's the good stuff?"
blueshift Offline
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Registered: 01/21/08
Posts: 1242
Loc: infinity
What's wrong with just talking about good stuff? Why do we have to keep going over and over the bad stuff? Where does it end?
When do you get to put it behind you and move on? What good does it do just telling each other you understand? Where's the solution in all this?


Good stuff is great to talk about, especially if it's a milestone in your recovery. You should talk about that kind of stuff and be proud of it..but keep your recovery about your recovery..don't put expectations on others to recover as fast as you or pressure them to recover faster. That only adds more feelings of shame to what is most likely already a surplus.
*T*
As I was being raped as a kid, I was told "Shut up! Quit being a crybaby! It's not that bad!"
It's easy to hear variations of that in people who don't understand why we keep trudging around in this mess. I have a lot of shame about not just being raped but about being affected by it long term. It's a sore spot for me and probably is for a lot of other people too.

The reason we keep going over bad stuff is because that is where our solutions are. If you blow a fuse you don't go to the most pleasant place in the house to fix it, you go to fusebox where the problem is and in this case the fuse box is in a lake of shit, but we aren't here because we like the smell. We're here because this is what has been given to us to do to .

We aren't going to find all the solutions in the crappy unpleasant stuff, but a lot of the answers are there and the answers are understandings of how we became the way we are because of what happened to us.

If you like the way you are just fine, then no need, but some, like me, have uncontrollable symptoms that have to be dismantled somehow and as far as I know I won't be able to do it by just putting a happy face on it.

But talking to people here helps because they care where no one ever cared before. I'm not going to try to convey what a positive thing that is, but it's healing and it's what I call positive...though everything is negative or positive depending on which end of it you grab.

I don't know what the answers are, but I've tried to get better faster and it isn't happening. All I do know is that I am getting better and that's good enough for me.

If someone else isn't getting better, there is nothing I can do and getting myself frustrated over someone else's recovery does nothing to help mine.

That's my gagillion word 2 cents.



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#246323 - 08/23/08 10:16 PM Re: "Where's the good stuff?" [Re: blueshift]
king tut Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/13/08
Posts: 2465
Loc: UK
I agree that comments about people being negative and not positive are not appropriate, we are all doing the best we can and all facing things in ways that we are able, it is excellent to hear about peoples triumphs, in fact it is really important, but there is no benefit in people making negative comments because people are still working on this.

The solution is individual, and we can be guided, but it is something that will be found on a personal level, as i see it at the moment.

_________________________
"...until lambs become lions"

I love you, little lewis, and i will never leave you. We are the same. You brighten my day, and i will make sure that i brighten yours. Hugs and kisses.


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#246324 - 08/23/08 10:16 PM Re: "Where's the good stuff?" [Re: blueshift]
ak Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/10/04
Posts: 1491
Doug,

I think what you say, about each of us keeping our recovery about OUR recovery is a great point. I wrote a poem here once (I am not so much a poet at all, I think I only write 2 things in there ever), but one of the lines is about what we can and cannot do; 'I can heal me, I can not heal you'. I still believe that.

Andrei


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#246325 - 08/23/08 10:53 PM Re: "Where's the good stuff?" [Re: ak]
James Landrith Offline


Registered: 07/07/08
Posts: 40
Loc: Alexandria, VA, USA
What I heard a lot after I went public with my own story was, "it has been 17 years, what kind of pussy is still bothered by it now."

I guess me. I buried it for all those years. Now I have to deal with it, process it, live it, learn from it and heal from it.

And that means acknowledging that it was traumatic and wrong. Smiling and acting like it was no big deal is not going to heal me any faster.

_________________________
Member of RAINN Speakers Bureau and syndicated blogger
Good Men Project author
Vice President, Men Recovering from Military Sexual Trauma
http://jameslandrith.com

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#246368 - 08/24/08 10:39 AM Re: "Where's the good stuff?" [Re: James Landrith]
AndyJB2005 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/14/06
Posts: 1242
Loc: Saint Paul, Minnesota
I'm sorry for being such a burden to you, and I'll leave this site alone since I'll obviously never fit in here...



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Life's disappointments are harder to take when you don't know any swear words. -- Calvin (Calvin and Hobbes)

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#246374 - 08/24/08 11:24 AM Re: "Where's the good stuff?" [Re: AndyJB2005]
FormerTexan Offline
Site Administrator
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 09/12/04
Posts: 11025
Loc: Denver, CO
Ok, this is gonna be contradictory, but it's not meant to be confrontational. I'd say it's ok to talk about both positive and negative. The way I sees it, abuse was nothing but negative stuff, so there are many negative things that need to come to the table. Without expressing the hurt, the fear, the anger, healing is either not gonna happen, or will but could be minimal. The fact that we are on this site proves to me that time does not heal all wounds. Often times people post about the worst to get feedback in dealing with that worst. Other times, victories are very welcome news. But, unless the hurt, anger, etc is shared, how is one going to get needed feedback? This site is the place to come and share this, as well as the victories.

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List of things ain't nobody got time for:

1. That


If I could meet myself as a boy...

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#246379 - 08/24/08 12:26 PM Re: "Where's the good stuff?" [Re: AndyJB2005]
blueshift Offline
Guest

Registered: 01/21/08
Posts: 1242
Loc: infinity
Originally Posted By: AndyJB2005
I'm sorry for being such a burden to you, and I'll leave this site alone since I'll obviously never fit in here...



Andy, you're a survivor. I see no reason at all for you not to fit in here and benefit from this site, I just think you have been looking at it negatively because you haven't been aware of all the not so obvious good that comes out of all the sharing of pain that goes on here.

A lot of that good is just people being able to hang on one more day because they know there are others who care. I don't want you to leave the site Andy. I just want you and Rich and others
to be more tolerant toward those who aren't able to pull themselves up by their own bootstraps.



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#246380 - 08/24/08 12:34 PM Re: "Where's the good stuff?" [Re: FormerTexan]
blueshift Offline
Guest

Registered: 01/21/08
Posts: 1242
Loc: infinity
Originally Posted By: FormerTexan
Ok, this is gonna be contradictory, but it's not meant to be confrontational. I'd say it's ok to talk about both positive and negative.


I'm in complete agreement. I guess I should have somehow explained that the blue part of my post was the subject of the post and the questions were therefore rhetorical as they are not what I am really asking but rather attempting to answer.






Edited by blueshift (08/24/08 12:35 PM)
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#246383 - 08/24/08 12:59 PM Re: "Where's the good stuff?" [Re: AndyJB2005]
James Landrith Offline


Registered: 07/07/08
Posts: 40
Loc: Alexandria, VA, USA
Originally Posted By: AndyJB2005
I'm sorry for being such a burden to you, and I'll leave this site alone since I'll obviously never fit in here...



Huh? Why does everything have to be one size fits all?

Why leave?

_________________________
Member of RAINN Speakers Bureau and syndicated blogger
Good Men Project author
Vice President, Men Recovering from Military Sexual Trauma
http://jameslandrith.com

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