Newest Members
Jerone, teba, Serpenta, mojo, James M
12114 Registered Users
Today's Birthdays
archie chisholm (61), Carlos418 (37), courtney (52), kurotake (55), lostsoul (63), Lukesgirl (28), michael banks (2014), Steffon (42)
Who's Online
0 registered (), 58 Guests and 11 Spiders online.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Forum Stats
12114 Members
73 Forums
62510 Topics
438087 Posts

Max Online: 418 @ 07/02/12 07:29 AM
Twitter
Page 3 of 6 < 1 2 3 4 5 6 >
Topic Options
#232763 - 06/23/08 12:58 PM Re: Disclosure Was a Mistake [Re: Still]
Trucker51 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/20/08
Posts: 2826
Loc: Denver, CO
Rob:

Just like a few friends of mine back in the late 1980s when I first started therapy. I never saw them again. And I still have to wonder why.

I am out the door to a medical appointment. I would be able to discuss it further a little later in the day.

Keep your head up Rob. I can't explain entirely why people react how they do. I do know that there are plenty of different ways that people react though. That is why I always advocate caution in certain situations.

Mark

_________________________
"We stay here, we die here. We've got to keep moving". Trucker Mark



Top
#233261 - 06/24/08 09:02 PM Re: Disclosure Was a Mistake [Re: Trucker51]
Liv2124 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 08/02/06
Posts: 159
Loc: New Jersey
Rob,
To tell someone you're close to may be risky, but to not tell them just feeds into the secrecy and isolation no one is truly comfortable living with.
Always,
Liv


Top
#233283 - 06/24/08 09:44 PM Re: Disclosure Was a Mistake [Re: Liv2124]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6317
Loc: 2 NATO Nations
But think about it....

Are we right in our current views of disclosure just because we think of ourselves (as a society) as enlightened and so darned progressive? Thus, we can disclose the previously un-disclosable?

It seems to me that survivors were handed a societal license to disclose, yet the broad society has no clue what to do once we use that license.

I'm leaning toward the "not ever disclosing" end of the continuum. Its too late for me...but I can't really say I would ever recommend disclosure to anyone other than a child/minor.

Society seems to be able to handle children and minors/teens disclosing because the perp's power, influence, deception, etc are clear(er) to anyone hearing about it. Once you are an adult and speaking of old CSA, people screw-up their reactions nearly universally.

_________________________
Jesus Loves The Hell Outta Me!

Still's Globs

New Video

Top
#233473 - 06/25/08 01:02 PM Re: Disclosure Was a Mistake [Re: Still]
Liv2124 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 08/02/06
Posts: 159
Loc: New Jersey
Society is lightyears behind what I would consider to be "enlightenment" when it comes to this as well as countless other things. I apologize that my responses were based on situations of a smaller scale.

From a relationship standpoint, I can't imagine a close relationship existing without disclosure. There are too many aspects that are affected to go un-noticed, even on a day-to-day basis. And the areas that it spills into, the trust, touch, intimacy, sex... all issues and occurences that come up. To have these seem to surface out of left field with no explanation or understanding? It's hard enough knowing and having something new creep in.

Again, I'm not a survivor, I'm in a relationship with one. He chose to tell me, and from the day-to-day perspective, things improved. At least there was a reason for some of what was happening, and we were able to come up with ways to work around some of the affects. Far from perfect, a long way to go, but workable.

Regardless of what anyone says, I don't know that anyone wants to be totally alone. Everyone needs someone.


Top
#233573 - 06/25/08 08:48 PM Re: Disclosure Was a Mistake [Re: Liv2124]
Trish4850 Offline
BoD Liaison Emeritus
MaleSurvivor<

Registered: 10/15/05
Posts: 3280
Loc: New Jersey
Quote:
Society seems to be able to handle children and minors/teens disclosing because the perp's power, influence, deception, etc are clear(er) to anyone hearing about it. Once you are an adult and speaking of old CSA, people screw-up their reactions nearly universally.


Robbie, I wish I could, but I can't argue with this statement. I had a disagreement with my boss today talking about a former client and her teenage son. The boy is a mess and it is 100% directly caused by the fact that our former client is a mess. I said I felt sorry for her, which I do, but she's now messing up her kid's life so my sympathy is very short lived. My boss then said that the kid causes alot of his own problems too. WTF! This boy is acting exactly like his mother taught him to act. My boss's response to that, "I give teenagers alot more responsibility than other people." To which I told him he was an idiot and went onto explain why, complete with examples and scientific reasoning (Thank you Ken). Did it make a difference? I doubt it, but that won't stop me from having the conversation again and again and again. He may not ever agree with me until or unless he's faced with a situation where he has to think about it, but think about it he will.

The children won't/can't speak up, although we all wish they would. It's up to the adults to do it for them and to write the history book on what NOT to do, for the sake of the children and to teach society at large that the effects of csa on a child don't go away just because they kid gets taller.

It's not easy Robbie, I'm in no way saying it is and no, the responsibility does not only belong to the adult who suffered as a child and suffers now. It belongs to every one of us who loves a survivor.

ROCK ON.........Trish

_________________________
If you fall down 10 times, Stand up 11.

Top
#233653 - 06/26/08 03:26 AM Re: Disclosure Was a Mistake [Re: Still]
jcf1957 Offline
Guest

Registered: 09/11/07
Posts: 192
Loc: North Of The 49th Parallel
Robbie;

Some may think I'm excessively pessimistic thinking this way but I have a lot of concerns about societal indifference and trust issues. Who to disclose your past with and who not to disclose your past with. Too often in my vulnerability I've had my disclosure virtually laughed right back in my face. Even medical professionals can be so damned distant and indifferent if they hint and gesture their willingness to listen to the horrors of our past. And they almost never offer sound advice except to echo in reply (" I'm so sorry what happened to you. You have a lot on your plate don't you. Hope things get better for you. ") Perhaps their reply is genuine. But I hear it all too often. When your an adult your expected to act like one. Society as a whole rarely gives a rats ass and doesn't want to here somebody else's problems. As difficult it can be for female rape victims; society in general never thinks about male rape victims.
I've heard far too many people say (" Get Over It ")...there's far worse problems in peoples lives. This puts me back to square one. Maybe I should just shut-up about it all. Why risk my vulnerable emotions in front of an indifferent distant society ?
I often feel the same way you do Robbie. Maybe Disclosure was a Mistake. It won't be the first time, nor will it be the last but; I think my vulnerable emotions often deceive my rational thinking of how I perceive situations in life. This is only part of my challenge to my past.



Edited by jcf1957 (06/26/08 03:41 AM)
_________________________
No affliction nor temptation, no guilt nor power of sin, no wounded spirit nor terrified conscious should induce us to despair comfort from God.

Today well lived...makes every tomorrow a vision of Hope.
Anonymous

Top
#233659 - 06/26/08 04:03 AM Re: Disclosure Was a Mistake [Re: jcf1957]
Trucker51 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/20/08
Posts: 2826
Loc: Denver, CO
I was reading ABUSED BOYS again trying to look-up something else, and I discovered that Mic Hunter covered this topic fairly extensively almost 20 years ago writing this book, which was before a widely-available internet existed. The book grew out of his Master's Thesis.

Starting on page 114 with Telling Others about Your Abuse, he covers the issue over most of the next five pages. Skip about one page starting on page 115 with Confronting Your Offenders, and continue on with the last paragraph on page 116. Again, skip the first half of Going Public or Carrying the Message on page 118, and continue on again with the single long paragraph on page 119.

Mic lays out a bunch of reasons why someone may want to wait to disclose or even not disclose to certain people. On page 119 he goes into his reasoning for waiting until his final recovery stage, acceptance/forgiveness, to share one's story, and talks about the risks of earlier sharing.

Because of my own experience, I always advocate caution and try to out point out the risk of possible unexpected reactions. And one of the leading early CSA therapists advocates the same thing. One of his main reasons to wait is to assure some level of security in one's recovery. I say coping strategies.

Mark

_________________________
"We stay here, we die here. We've got to keep moving". Trucker Mark



Top
#233684 - 06/26/08 07:07 AM Re: Disclosure Was a Mistake [Re: Trucker51]
Hauser Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/12/05
Posts: 2962
Loc: United States
Rob, let us not forget that all of your (current) woes are the fault of a woman that you married, a woman that is not being faithful to her vows to stay with you, in sickness and in health, for better or worse, etc. Have you forgotten this? Just thought I would offer this friendly reminder.

I don't consider her evil, per say, but I consider a shallow character who's putting her own life above the lives of her family, and, in particular, her children. Am I judging her? YES.



Top
#233685 - 06/26/08 07:10 AM Re: Disclosure Was a Mistake [Re: Hauser]
testingWaters Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/19/06
Posts: 508
Originally Posted By: Hauser
Rob, let us not forget that all of your woes are the fault of a woman that you married, a woman that is not being faithful to her vows to stay with you, in sickness and in health, for better or worse, etc. Have you forgotten this? Just thought I would offer this friendly reminder.

I don't consider her evil, per say, but I consider a shallow character who's putting her own life above the lives of her family, and, in particular, her children. Am I judging her? YES.


[tearing my hair out because I can't say what I think about your post without getting banned]


Top
#233952 - 06/26/08 10:15 PM Re: Disclosure Was a Mistake [Re: Hauser]
Liv2124 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 08/02/06
Posts: 159
Loc: New Jersey
Can all his (I'm sorry, "WOES") be caused by one woman?

You know what, I probably SHOULDN'T respond, but ...

No one can be prepared for the effects of csa on a marraige, or a relationship and alittle latitude should be allowed in both directions.

What if you married someone, or became seriously involved with someone, and never understood this to mean that you'd never be able to touch him? That if you went out with him, public restrooms might become an issue? Sex...most of the time...forget it.
Is entering into something for better or worse, still applicable, if you've never been given the fine print?

Shallow?


Top
Page 3 of 6 < 1 2 3 4 5 6 >


Moderator:  ModTeam, peroperic2009 

I agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole discretion of MaleSurvivor.
I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor resources are AT-WILL, and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for any reason by MaleSurvivor.