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#246240 - 08/23/08 12:01 PM Angry and indifferent??
sugarbaby Offline


Registered: 08/17/08
Posts: 342
HI!

My husband of 12 years disclosed to me abuse from when he was 8 (34 years ago). I was the first person he told and this was about 5 months ago.

I feel badly for him. I feel that I wish i could make his pain go away BUT....big but, our relationship had gotten so bad by the time he disclosed that I also feel angry at him for hiding it.

Worse yet, I'm supportive to his face but sooo indifferent inside and I feel bad about that.


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#246243 - 08/23/08 12:25 PM Re: Angry and indifferent?? [Re: sugarbaby]
Trucker51 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/20/08
Posts: 2826
Loc: Denver, CO
Welcome to the site. It is a tremendous challenge to be supportive when a spouse or partner discloses. Usually the disclosure only follows a lot of personal pain and soul-searching, and the hope is for understanding and support. He is hoping to save his marriage. But the average person who is disclosed to does not have the proper education or experience to effectively deal with their partner's disclosure. Often initial support fades without a full understanding of the often long-term dynamics of the childhood abuse.

Is your husband in therapy or has he had ongoing issues with drugs or alcohol? Have you ever read a book like Mic Hunter's ABUSED BOYS or Mike Lew's VICTIMS NO LONGER? ABUSED BOYS is a good first book which comprehensively covers the topic in a short amount of text which I would recommend. The other book is much more in-depth and newer. There is also a good book on recovering lost self-esteem entitled SELF ESTEEM, by Matthew Mckay, PH.D, and Patrick Fanning, that I would recommend.

Trish4850 is the Family forim moderator and I'm sure that you could reach her Monday-Friday by private message, and even on the weekend she checks-in from time to time. There are a number of women in similar straits to yourself on the Family forum that you can count on for support and guidance. I am a survivor who is fairly advanced in my personal recovery just trying to help give something back.

I'll let Trish know that you were here, if that is OK with you.

Again, welcome to the site,

Mark

_________________________
"We stay here, we die here. We've got to keep moving". Trucker Mark



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#246247 - 08/23/08 12:49 PM Re: Angry and indifferent?? [Re: Trucker51]
sugarbaby Offline


Registered: 08/17/08
Posts: 342
He is in therapy. It seems to be helping him a lot so I support it. He wants me to go and I just feel done with the therapy thing. I've gone before with him (prior to disclosure) and he literally sat there and said "I don't know what her problem is. I just want my marriage to work."

Alcohol has been a huge problem the last 3 years with him. He didn't drink at all the previous 8 years.

I'll look into the books, thanks. I have literally no frame of reference for this type of stuff.


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#246248 - 08/23/08 12:49 PM Re: Angry and indifferent?? [Re: Trucker51]
Trish4850 Offline
BoD Liaison Emeritus
MaleSurvivor<

Registered: 10/15/05
Posts: 3280
Loc: New Jersey
Hi sugarbaby and welcome.

The anger over timing is understandable. A big part of what created the way your husband behaves was hidden from you. Funny how that seems to be quite a theme on F&F these days. The anger and the hurt are understandable. For 12 years you were together and in all that time, there was a huge part of your husband that you were unaware of. I'm willing to bet though that he didn't think in all that time that the piece he kept to himself had any bearing on you, your marriage, your family, his interactions with friends, or his lack of them, and countless other things that he would react to in every day life. He put it away very nicely, even if he always remembered.

Stay here sugar - read, learn, ask questions. My own experience has taught me that when I found out did matter a rat's ass because learning and then understanding why he didn't tell me right away makes absolute sense. I had a 4 year relationship when I found out. Now we've been together for 7 years, but the reality is that a whole new relationship started 3 years ago. That's the one we're working with.

The books Mark recommends are right on! I have both.

ROCK ON.........Trish




Edited by Trish4850 (08/23/08 12:50 PM)
_________________________
If you fall down 10 times, Stand up 11.

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