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#244676 - 08/15/08 10:16 AM Re: I don't love my mom.... is that so wrong? [Re: JustScott]
BJK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/02/07
Posts: 1526
You know...my dad did try to take on my mother...he butted heads with her. He tried to confront her. He tried to win custody of my sister and me. He lost.

I still needed to take time to forgive him.

Bryan

_________________________
Revenge is nothing more than another way of perpetuating abuse.

What the world needs now
Is some new words of wisdom
Like la la la la la la la la la.
-David Lowery

Having a friend who will keep a secret for you is worthless compared to a friend who won't keep a secret from you.

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#244679 - 08/15/08 10:35 AM Re: I don't love my mom.... is that so wrong? [Re: BJK]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Paul,

No one could possibly blame you for not loving your mother. She had a basic duty to protect you - what could have been more important? And she blew it.

That said, what I also notice is that you seem to want something from her and hold out the possibility of a reconciliation if she apologizes. You say "really apologizes", by which I take it that you mean you want her to take responsibility and examine what her failure put you through as an abused boy.

So the point is: does she know any of this? Or does she just feel despised and rejected? The problem is that unless you tell her she may not even realize what the abuse meant to you and how it affected you in childhood and continues to affect you now.

Have you considered writing her a letter? Ken Singer has good advice on such letters here on the site, and you can take his comments on writing to the abuser and use them to write to your mother.

I think this would be a good way to go, and when I am working with teens on the site this is something I often ask them to do. Guys here have written letters not only to the abuser, but also to parents, other relatives, teachers, doctors, friends, and girlfriends or boyfriends. Just the process of writing the letter and going though one draft after another to get it right is a healing exercise in itself, and it may help you to work through some of your feelings even before you confront her. And when a survivor hands over the letter then both sides have an exact record of precisely what he wanted to say. Both can go back later and they both have the same record of what was said.

Whether this leads to a reconciliation or not is kind of beside the point, really. This problem is eating at you and it might be a good idea to address it. My experience is that the very best way to do that is to write a letter.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#244684 - 08/15/08 10:44 AM Re: I don't love my mom.... is that so wrong? [Re: roadrunner]
petercorbett Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/27/08
Posts: 2433
Loc: TEXAS
Hi Paul. My two cents worth, my mother also sexually,emotionally, physically & mentaly abusing me, along with a male friend of the family, plus total strangers. My problem has been solved for me she's DEAD. I always wished as a very young boy that she was dead. I don't ever remember a father around. No forgiving, no trying to understand why. All my abusers are DEAD, but I'm still suffering. (who won)?
Pete

_________________________
Working Boys' Home 10-14 yrs old, grades 5-8. 1949-1953
____________________________________________________________
A very humble alumni of the WOR Dahlonega, GA.
May 15-17 2009, Alta, Sep. 2009. Sequoia, 2010.
Hope Springs, 2010.


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#244698 - 08/15/08 11:44 AM Re: I don't love my mom.... is that so wrong? [Re: petercorbett]
BJK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/02/07
Posts: 1526
Originally Posted By: petercorbett
Hi Paul. My two cents worth, my mother also sexually,emotionally, physically & mentaly abusing me, along with a male friend of the family, plus total strangers. My problem has been solved for me she's DEAD. I always wished as a very young boy that she was dead. I don't ever remember a father around. No forgiving, no trying to understand why. All my abusers are DEAD, but I'm still suffering. (who won)?
Pete


Sounds to me like you're still fighting.

I also wished my mother dead as a boy, but I've learned as an adult that she has no bearing on my life whatsoever anymore. Part of my recovery has been breaking free from her completely. I could care less whether she lives or dies as long as she no longer has the opportunity to abuse another boy.

Bryan

_________________________
Revenge is nothing more than another way of perpetuating abuse.

What the world needs now
Is some new words of wisdom
Like la la la la la la la la la.
-David Lowery

Having a friend who will keep a secret for you is worthless compared to a friend who won't keep a secret from you.

Top
#244773 - 08/15/08 02:32 PM Re: I don't love my mom.... is that so wrong? [Re: BJK]
Abigale Offline


Registered: 07/16/08
Posts: 28
Loc: Northern NJ
I was listening to this song today and it makes me think of what us partners/spouses are going through.
Let me know your opinions

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lpqkIdzK2DE


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#244883 - 08/16/08 01:00 AM Re: I don't love my mom.... is that so wrong? [Re: JustScott]
pufferfish Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6808
Loc: USA
A few weeks ago there was a whole thread going on about the mom factor. It was started by Barkabus.

I contributed to that thread because my mom was a diffucult person.

This is a link to that thread.

http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=236250&page=0&fpart=1

Puffer



Edited by pufferfish (08/16/08 01:02 AM)

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#245440 - 08/18/08 07:30 PM Re: I don't love my mom.... is that so wrong? [Re: pufferfish]
Tinman Offline


Registered: 05/30/08
Posts: 359
Loc: Lake Forest, CA
There is something I should add here. I didn't think about it until reading the response that asked if I had told my mother what I wanted.

My mom once told me, when she was drunk as usual, "He didn't marry me. He married YOU!"

When she initially said it, I was not in recovery at all. When I finally started questioning it, I went back to her to ask her what she meant by that. She denied ever saying it. I asked her why she didn't leave him when she knew what was going on and she said that it only happened once (like HELL it did) and that he promised it would never happen again, so she forgave him like the "Good Christian woman I am. And you should too." She damn well knows I want an ancknowldgement of what happend and not just put it off to a one time aberration. And then try and make me the bad guy becuase I won't forgive him. I have tried twice more to talk to her about it and her response both times was that she put it in God's hands and that was that.

_________________________
Tinman
"I finally have my heart!"

To the perps: Don't worry about me coming after you. But you damn well better watch out for God! "Vengeance is mine", saith the Lord

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#245442 - 08/18/08 07:40 PM Re: I don't love my mom.... is that so wrong? [Re: petercorbett]
Faith4Hope2Love Offline


Registered: 08/18/08
Posts: 2
Loc: New York City
I hear what you mean. No one wins in these cycles of abuse. What matters is that we're speaking out as survivors. I almost lost my life to the childhood sexual abuse I suffered, and I've written extensively about it as a coping skill. I hope that my writing continues to break the cycles of violence and abuse in our societies. Keep writing, talking, emailing, because we as survivors have the ability to communicate that we have survived!


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#245624 - 08/19/08 07:21 PM Re: I don't love my mom.... is that so wrong? [Re: JustScott]
Kamilin Offline


Registered: 08/18/08
Posts: 12
Loc: Colombia
it hurts when you are not a part of it, when you don`t and can`t enjoy it because it goes againts you. it pains to be confused for something you are not and then suffer for it.

some are and some are not since the beginning. it`s the adult/abuser`s fault to fail in seing this working life principle and to appply it to a being who doesn`t share it.

not everyone is affected by these experiences, human beings are unpredictable.

_________________________
Kamilin

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#245907 - 08/20/08 07:16 PM Re: I don't love my mom.... is that so wrong? [Re: Kamilin]
Tinman Offline


Registered: 05/30/08
Posts: 359
Loc: Lake Forest, CA
Kamilin, I am not sure what to make of what you are saying. Since the words don't always convey the true intent, could you clarify?

Becuase if you mean that she knew but wasn't participating in the abuse, I would have to disagree. An enabler is as guilty as a perp in my book.

The refusal to view her part in this is what hurts me the most. Because it says to me that though I continue to suffer for it, she goes on the way she always has: Not lifiting one finger to help the child who so desparately needs her to be there.

I could be reading it wrong and, if so, I apologize in advance.

_________________________
Tinman
"I finally have my heart!"

To the perps: Don't worry about me coming after you. But you damn well better watch out for God! "Vengeance is mine", saith the Lord

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