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#245589 - 08/19/08 04:26 PM I am so very scared because I am so angry
Tinman Offline


Registered: 05/30/08
Posts: 359
Loc: Lake Forest, CA
I put this here, because I don't just want to hear my brother survivors on this issue. Though I don't post often here, the support, the struggles and the victories of our friends and family is important to me. To know that it is not just us guys who hurt with this.

I deleted a post and a poem last night because I was so horrified at the level of anger I have been feeling.

I have never hurt anyone in my life. I made that promise to myself decades ago, even before this shit. And I have honored it. I have only fought twice. And that was self defense.

But I am so consumed by the anger I feel. As I put in the post I deleted, one of my abusers is still alive. And he is the focus of my rage.

I hear the thoughts in my head. And they are so damn violent.

I have always been told (as an adult) that I am a kind soul. That people see me as a gentle soul. I can believe that because I know what it is to hurt and I NEVER want to hurt anyone else. Until now.

What is happening to the Paul everyone knows? Because since I found out where he is, I can't stop thinking about killing him.

I know I won't do that. I don't have it in me to take a life after mine was taken. But I still want him dead.

Because I know he has forgotten me. Moved on. And doesn't cry like I have to when I remember what people like him did to me. I live with this every day. And I can't tell you how many times I begged to die. And he goes on. Oblivious.

I talked to an ex-roommate of his last week. Identified myself to her and why I was calling. She said she would pass it on. Then the next time I called, she was so angry. Said I was pushing vicious rumor.

That's when I got so mad. Because I only wanted one question anwered by him. WHY?

Again, I am the bad one and the monsters get away with it. They have defenders. Who do I have to defend me?

Paul

_________________________
Tinman
"I finally have my heart!"

To the perps: Don't worry about me coming after you. But you damn well better watch out for God! "Vengeance is mine", saith the Lord

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#245606 - 08/19/08 05:48 PM Re: I am so very scared because I am so angry [Re: Tinman]
dangal Offline
New Here

Registered: 02/09/08
Posts: 222
Loc: seattle area
Uggg Paul. It does feel that these abusers have all the rights and "we" abused and their loves and families, have none. They have support and defense and what do you get? I wonder how people can make that leap in their heads that anyone would push rumors like that. Why would you make up and live in pain over something? Come on. I guess people don't want to believe such things go on.

I have never hated anyone the way I hate the man who hurt my husband. I don't want to be the one to pull the trigger, but I sure wouldn't feel bad about it. I'm a peaceful loving person and I want the man gone. H wants him gone. It's only normal. You are not planning on taking him out, but heavens, you deserve to be angry and hopefully you can find a way to have peace so that anger does not own you.

Good luck

_________________________
~Jen~
Life is to short to blend in

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#245627 - 08/19/08 07:34 PM Re: I am so very scared because I am so angry [Re: dangal]
didi Offline


Registered: 07/12/08
Posts: 165
Loc: USA
Hello Paul. I am living through what you are feeling through my 4 year old son who was abused by a neighbor. He has been in Therapy for 5 months now and has his good days and bad. When he feels a trigger(seeing the man's truck or HIM) He becomes very violent and angry out of no where even if he was having a great day. He tells me that he wants me to kill the man. It is a constant struggle and a very normal feeling after what has happened. We are currently trying to talk about that in therapy and even that makes my son angry. Believe me, if I had an answer as to why for anyone being sexualy abused, I would scream it to the world. I have a gaping hole in my heart that will never go away over the pain I know that my son endured. I hope that you find the answers you are looking for. Take care,Didi xoxo

_________________________
Raising children who have been loaned to us for a brief moment outranks every other responsibility!

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#245629 - 08/19/08 07:39 PM Re: I am so very scared because I am so angry [Re: didi]
didi Offline


Registered: 07/12/08
Posts: 165
Loc: USA
P.S. I have thought many times that I would like to kill this man myself and I am normaly a very well adjusted person. The only thing holding me back is knowing that if I went to jail my son would suffer and that man would win. Didi

_________________________
Raising children who have been loaned to us for a brief moment outranks every other responsibility!

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#245709 - 08/20/08 01:42 AM Re: I am so very scared because I am so angry [Re: Tinman]
pufferfish Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6875
Loc: USA
Originally Posted By: Tinman

But I am so consumed by the anger I feel. As I put in the post I deleted, one of my abusers is still alive. And he is the focus of my rage.

I have always been told (as an adult) that I am a kind soul. That people see me as a gentle soul. I can believe that because I know what it is to hurt and I NEVER want to hurt anyone else.

since I found out where he is, I can't stop thinking about killing him.. . But I still want him dead.
Paul


Paul,

If you let this anger control you, it has the danger of ruining your life twice.

Your anger is not hurting him. It is hurting you. Get control, man. don't let him ruin the rest of your life.

Get involved with something that will take your mind off of it. If you let your mind dwell on it it just will balloon. Take control now.

Puffer


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#245728 - 08/20/08 07:19 AM Re: I am so very scared because I am so angry [Re: pufferfish]
didi Offline


Registered: 07/12/08
Posts: 165
Loc: USA
Wow, that was awesome Puffer! I wish I knew how to translate your post into a child's view of things! Didi

_________________________
Raising children who have been loaned to us for a brief moment outranks every other responsibility!

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#245815 - 08/20/08 01:09 PM Re: I am so very scared because I am so angry [Re: didi]
Junefriday Offline


Registered: 06/05/08
Posts: 113
Loc: Canada
It's like a toothache. Sometimes the pain is there, sometimes it isn't. You bite on something and suddenly it is far greater than it was before. Then it goes numb for a while. Either way, you have to take care of the tooth or the infection will continue to grow and could spread to other areas of your body and completely take over.

At times though, the pain is unbearable. It makes you want to do something rash..maybe hastily pull the tooth out. However, years later when you are biting into something, you realize that the tooth would have come in handy. It is then that you finally discover that perhaps there might have been better ways to deal with the pain...you just may not have chosen the right one.

_________________________
"Love comes to those who still hope even though they've been disappointed, to those who still believe even though they've been betrayed, to those who still love even though they've been hurt before.

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#245844 - 08/20/08 01:43 PM Re: I am so very scared because I am so angry [Re: Junefriday]
michael banks Offline


Registered: 06/12/08
Posts: 1755
Loc: Mojave Desert, Ca
Paul,

The anger you are feeling toward your perp is normal.
It hurts alot that they won't take responsibily for ther actions.
When they denied what they did and instead try to shift the shame onto you.
But the shame is theirs, always was and always will be.

Keep talking about your anger here and with those you feel close too.
So that you don't act out the anger and hurt you are feeling now.

mike

_________________________
To own one's shadow is the highest moral act of a human.
-Robert Johnson-

"IT ought never be forgotten that the past is the parent of the future" John C. Calhoun

WOR Alumni Sequoia 2009

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