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#24575 - 11/26/02 06:14 PM hi everyone
zealander Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 11/24/02
Posts: 6
Loc: new zealand
i found this site a few days ago, and i felt so relieved because other men are here talking openly about what happened to them. i felt like a prisoner in a free world. but it felt so good to hear kind words and support from people on similar journeys,,, words that are much nicer than the negative thoughts in my mind.

i'm 22, and i have struggled with my perception of myself for as long as i can remember. i hated who i was, no actually, i abhorred myself. i'd look at all my classmates growing up and think, they're so much better than me,,, i bet they never got fucked,,,, i'm a freak. in high school, i got teased about my slight build, had terrible acne, bad eyesight and even worse-looking glasses. i stayed away from all the school activities, no school dances, no music performances. i didn't want anyone to know i existed.

i felt so alone, and so i tried to do something about it by starting to date about a year ago. but whenever it ended up in the bedroom, whenever she touched me, i started to get a lump in my throat, tense up, and feel sick. i felt like the most useless man in the world, actually, i didn't even consider myself a man. so i'd end up pushing them away, because i didn't want them to see me, or even know me. i felt so humiliated.

last weekend i think i experienced my deepest bout of depression, so much that it made my head hurt. you're going to be alone for the rest of your life, i told myself, so just handle it.

i know that i need to find someone who can help me let go of the past and forgive myself. i thought that i could do it all myself, like a "real man" should. but based on results, or really, the total lack of results, i know that i can't.

anyway, i really value the support i've received over the past few days. it's given me some hope of having a happy life as a whole man.


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#24576 - 11/26/02 07:29 PM Re: hi everyone
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Zealander
Welcome to Male Survivors, although it's a shame we need to be here at all.

Abuse knows no borders or boundaries, I'm here in the UK, you're in New Zealand and we're talking via a US based site.
And we all know what we're dealing with, and what you're going through.

But it's good that you found us, it shows how much you care about yourself. You made the effort to find us, you know why you hurt. That's the biggest step.
And you've done it while you're young, some of us wait way too long before seeking help.

Although the support and help here is as good as it gets, it's no substitute for getting proper therapy.
Seek one out who knows about SA ( sexual abuse ) try rape crisis centres, some might be for women, but they're in the business and probably have contacts.

You are exactly right when you say-

Quote:
i know that i need to find someone who can help me let go of the past and forgive myself. i thought that i could do it all myself, like a "real man" should. but based on results, or really, the total lack of results, i know that i can't.
Knowing that is the bravest thing to admit, we can't do it alone. By ourselves we just think in circles, with help we break free.
That's why therapy is so important, and we're here to help and support as well.

Be strong.
Lloydy

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#24577 - 11/26/02 07:33 PM Re: hi everyone
Roy Offline
Member

Registered: 08/02/02
Posts: 184
Loc: Los Angeles
Do you guys have that whole "real man" thing down there, too? That sucks. I guess I was hoping New Zealand was more civilized than we are. Welcome to the site.

Sorry to hear you are struggling with such awful depression. That is presently a major issue for me as well (see recent post). Not only depressed, but ashamed to be so. Real men don't get depressed, you see. Maybe you can relate. Either way you, nor I, are alone and that is good to know. Looking forward to hearing more about you.


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#24578 - 11/26/02 08:22 PM Re: hi everyone
Sleepy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/08/02
Posts: 288
Loc: Arizona, USA
Hi Zealander!
Welcome to the site. I'm glad that you found this place. We all had different experiences and we've all come from different backgrounds but we've all arrived at the same place. I noticed that you're 21. The majority of the guys are much older (ok--they're old farts but I say that with love \:D ) but there are a few young guys here. I'm 24 and I know of a few others in their early 20's. Sometimes it's just nice to talk with someone the same age. And I don't think it really matters where you're from 'cause we've all arrived at this same strange place in our lives.

I know what it is like to have such a negative self-perception of yourself. It's horrible. I realized that I was going to be alone for the rest of my life if I didn't change something. I eventually found this place and things have actually started to change for me. It's been such a strange but wonderful experience. I hope it all works out for you.
Take care,
mike

_________________________
"It is good to have an end to journey toward; but it is the journey that matters, in the end."
--Ursula K. Le Guin

"Mental health is a commitment to reality at all times."
--M. Scott Peck

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#24579 - 11/26/02 10:35 PM Re: hi everyone
Wuamei Offline
Member

Registered: 08/19/02
Posts: 2700
Loc: The left turn I should have ta...
Zealander: Brother I'm sorry you were abused, but you were, we were, and I'm glad you're here to share your story & support with us. Welcome to this great group of male survivors!

Wuame

_________________________
"I can't stand pain. It hurts me."
--Daffy Duck

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#24580 - 11/26/02 10:37 PM Re: hi everyone
Wuamei Offline
Member

Registered: 08/19/02
Posts: 2700
Loc: The left turn I should have ta...
"The majority of the guys are much older (ok--they're old farts but I say that with love")

Sleepy--I represent that remark!

Wuame

PS--Thanks for the love, anyway! \:\)

_________________________
"I can't stand pain. It hurts me."
--Daffy Duck

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#24581 - 11/26/02 11:08 PM Re: hi everyone
mTm Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 10/26/02
Posts: 14
Loc: Dallas Texas
Hey guys, you're as young as you feel!
Now where did I put that Poli-Grip and those Depends? I could have sworn I put them next to the Geritol.

Zealander, I chatted with you the other night. It's good you found this place. I remember your amazement and excitment! Just be there for yourself, and we'll be here for you.

We are all on the same road to recovery, just at different mileposts. You can learn a lot from some of those old farts. (I'm only 43) Hand in there and keep checking in.

You are a survivor.

Mark


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#24582 - 11/26/02 11:11 PM Re: hi everyone
Les_Angry Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/06/02
Posts: 195
Hi Zealander,
Ive been coming to this site for a few months and I think I can safely say that most of us feel the way that you do. We are all outsiders here. Many of us had (have) that forcefield that separtes us from intimacy. One example I can think of is that I can never bring myself to say goodbye when I walk out of a room full of people, because I can just picture someone saying "who cares if you are leaving", so I just walk out when no one is looking. Your lucky to be seeking therapy this young, I wish I had remembered my abuse years earlier.


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#24583 - 11/27/02 07:27 AM Re: hi everyone
zealander Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 11/24/02
Posts: 6
Loc: new zealand
wow, i can't believe that i got so many replies! thank you for writing.

yes, we do have the "real man" thing ... but it's called "being staunch" round here. you may hear me come up with odd sayings from time to time, and a few expletives,,, some people say i swear a lot \:D but it's just that i CAN'T STAND the politically correct bullshit of this closed-minded society. everything's so clinical and you'll find a REJECT stamp on your ass if you don't fit in the box. blame all this on my youth, if you want ;\)

but hey, although some of you guys may be older than me, i still believe you have something to offer. i hope to learn from you.

again, thanks for the support guys.


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#24584 - 11/27/02 11:09 AM Re: hi everyone
New to this Offline
Member

Registered: 09/16/02
Posts: 138
Loc: Mississippi
Zealander,

Welcome to our world. This place is like no other( where else can you find a 24 year old adolescent who thinks 40 somethings are old farts).

Issues with intimacy are a big deal here. Many of us have/had problems with physical and emotional intimacy.

Many of us have fallen into that “real man” trap. We’ve tried to “suck it up”(ok, that means dry your tears & quit crying). Not being able to deal with my emotions put me in a prolonged depression, the monotony of which was only broken by bouts of major depression. See Roy’s post on major depression.

One of the best things about this place is the opportunity to develop some emotional intimacy. I’ve gotten really close to some of the guys here. My teenage years(13-29, I count like my 4 year old: eighteen, nineteen, twentyteen, twentyoneteen etc.) were much like yours.
I’m an old farty-one year old who finally has made friends with some guys.

Devon

_________________________
"Knowledge itself is power" Francis Bacon

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#24585 - 11/27/02 03:14 PM Re: hi everyone
Wuamei Offline
Member

Registered: 08/19/02
Posts: 2700
Loc: The left turn I should have ta...
Zealander, it's good to find another "politically incorrect" brother in the world, and on this site!
I am to this day somewhat of an antiestablishment radical born of the hippy culture that was prominent in the 60's (at least here in much of the U.S.--did that groovy bag connect over in New Zealand, man? \:D ).

But if you blame it on your youth, what am I going to do. To pick up on Devon's wording, I'm now "farty-six" years old! That's a lot of years, and a lot of farts--a lot more than "farty-six." :p

How's that for politically incorrect!? \:D

BTW if you want check "Survivor Songs." You made me think of one & I'm gonna post the lyrics there.

Take care my Zealander brother

Wuame

_________________________
"I can't stand pain. It hurts me."
--Daffy Duck

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#24586 - 11/27/02 04:47 PM Re: hi everyone
Mark S Offline
Member

Registered: 08/25/02
Posts: 130
Loc: England
I'm pleased you found this site. I hope you gain as much support as I have. It is so empowering knowing that there are so many people out there who have experienced the same as us. Though I wish that none of us had to be hear for this reason.

Keep posting and be good to yourself.

Mark ;\)


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#24587 - 11/27/02 09:01 PM Re: hi everyone
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Sleepy
I'm farty nine - not too old to old to clip your ear you 'sprog'
\:D
Lloydy, (nearly 50 - and dreading it ;\) )

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#24588 - 11/27/02 10:27 PM Re: hi everyone
Sleepy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 10/08/02
Posts: 288
Loc: Arizona, USA
I'm so glad to see that my small comment resonated so well through out this post. I haven't seen too much humor around here lately. I logged on earlier in the morning and read all these posts. It made me laugh out loud later in the day. Devon, the jury is still out whether old farts rule but for sure adolescents drool ;\) . Lloydy, bring it on \:\) ! I didn't know you were so feisty. It sounds like a mid-life crisis ;\) .
Your 24 year old adolescent,
mike

_________________________
"It is good to have an end to journey toward; but it is the journey that matters, in the end."
--Ursula K. Le Guin

"Mental health is a commitment to reality at all times."
--M. Scott Peck

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#24589 - 11/28/02 01:42 PM Re: hi everyone
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
CRISIS... WHAT BLOODY CRISIS ?

yeah, we need some humour \:D

Lloydy- making the most of my mid life crisis ;\)

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

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#24590 - 11/28/02 02:07 PM Re: hi everyone
The Dean Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 07/15/02
Posts: 2080
Loc: Milwaukee, WI
Hi Zeelander,

It was really great to talk to you just minutes after you found us. I am "gootie" on the chat. It was Sunday night late here and Monday 5:10PM where you were. That still fascinates me.

Start now to love and respect yourself and to appreciate what a terrifically strong man you are to have survived. Lesser men would have checked out, or did what I did and attempt to bury it for many decades. All you young "brats" inspire me and give me hope. (Brat is Russian for brother.)

It is great to have you here.

Bob--incredibly studly at 66

_________________________
If we do not live what we believe, then we will begin to believe what we live.

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#24591 - 11/28/02 07:40 PM Re: hi everyone
Wuamei Offline
Member

Registered: 08/19/02
Posts: 2700
Loc: The left turn I should have ta...
Bob:

Right on--"Studly"! \:D

Wuame

_________________________
"I can't stand pain. It hurts me."
--Daffy Duck

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#24592 - 11/29/02 10:38 AM Re: hi everyone
New to this Offline
Member

Registered: 09/16/02
Posts: 138
Loc: Mississippi
Hey Bob,

I hope I can be a studly old fart when I grow up.

It's nice to cut loose guys. Thanks for participating in this adolescent event.

Devon

_________________________
"Knowledge itself is power" Francis Bacon

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#24593 - 11/30/02 06:28 AM Re: hi everyone
arghilles Offline
Member

Registered: 07/26/02
Posts: 45
Loc: Stockholm, Sweden
Hi Zealander!

You are not alone feeling the way you do.
I do too.
It is good that you are here.

/Erik

_________________________
Erik

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#24594 - 11/30/02 07:13 AM Re: hi everyone
Ross Offline
Member

Registered: 06/18/02
Posts: 34
Loc: Vancouver, BC Canada
Hi Z:

Appreciate your post. I certainly have felt the pain of some of the feelings you describe. I think it is hard to make sense of who we are at times, or who we should be.

I have come to the conclusion that there are no "real" men. A "real" man is an image manufactured out of imprinted should be's that never were nor never could be. What is real, I believe, is that we are simply male human beings with all the various lumps and bumps that go with the baggage of living. We all as survivors have had some particularly bad times that can and do weigh heavy on our lives. When I am struggling the past often feels like I am pulling a huge freight train with an endless chain of dark, heavy boxcars through a long night. Coming here at times is like pulling into the freight yard where the brake man pulls the coupler and releases me from the burden of pulling the heavy load.

This site has its warps, troubles and struggles but I have come to find that the people here are generally kind and want to help and being here has made a positive difference for me in my life.

Sincerely

Ross


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#24595 - 11/30/02 01:50 PM Re: hi everyone
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Ross
I can't argue with that my friend \:D

Lloydy

_________________________
Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

Top
#24596 - 11/30/02 03:30 PM Re: hi everyone
Wuamei Offline
Member

Registered: 08/19/02
Posts: 2700
Loc: The left turn I should have ta...
Ross:

Right on!

I'm not the rugged Marlboro Man. Good thing too; I'm allergic to cigarette smoke! (And I used to smoke the damn things; no wonder I'm so messed up. Or at least its a good excuse!)

I'm not the sophisticated troubleshooter James Bond. Even tho I enjoy the Agent 007 movies, for the most part.

I'm not "sensitive" (narcissistic) flower child of a man my mother wanted me to be. Thank God!

I'm just me, one man of many, each of us unique, none of us perfect. I'm just trying to figure out & be the man God made me to be.

Ross, thanks for your very thot-provoking post.

Wuame

_________________________
"I can't stand pain. It hurts me."
--Daffy Duck

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#24597 - 12/01/02 10:03 AM Re: hi everyone
guy43 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/17/02
Posts: 450
Loc: Minnesota
Zealander:
So much support here for you. Let it soak in man. And... who was that masked dude in the chat room last night? Whoa nelly, that was so fun being silly! Now that I think back on it, some of the most gut-wrenching belly hurts laughing I've done has been with other survivors (in a men's group) getting silly. I also love the humor this thread has generated.

Ross:
You've said it all! Nice analogy with the freight train pulling into the freight yard to unload.

Another analogy for me is that this site is like -- I'm the little train that thought he could. My little train has been mostly on his own, making occasional deliveries (connections with others) in the isolated barren countryside. Pulling into this site's freight yard is feeling I'm not alone with all my SA/Neglect/Life issues.

I'm not alone.

guyfarty43


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#24598 - 12/01/02 11:21 AM Re: hi everyone
Wuamei Offline
Member

Registered: 08/19/02
Posts: 2700
Loc: The left turn I should have ta...
Indeed you are NOT alone, "GuyFartythree!" \:D

WuameFartysix \:D

_________________________
"I can't stand pain. It hurts me."
--Daffy Duck

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