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#245291 - 08/17/08 10:17 PM Time to let him go?
Lee73 Offline


Registered: 05/26/08
Posts: 32
Hi All,

A few months ago, I posted my first post on this site asking the question, "Can you help someone who doesn't want help?" The conclusion I came to along the way with your help is that no, you can't help someone who isn't ready to go down the path of healing. After my discovery of his CSA (being the first ever to find out about it 25 years after it occurred), he shut me out completely. It's been a little over 4 months now, and I've sent countless e-mails, left numerous voicemails and sent countless packages and letters during the course of these 4 months. I've tried to show him that nothing has changed in the way I feel about him and kept things light-hearted for the most part to try to get him to feel comfortable around me since he didn't seem to respond well to the initial heavier approach. That yielded no response either so then I sent him a very long and emotional letter saying everything I've been holding back. I've never gotten a response to any of it except for his initial e-mail asking that I forget about him and find someone more "deserving" of my "grace, compassion and sincerity", and that he would never write me again.

I felt a tremendous amount of responsibility given that I care for him very much and was the first person he was able to trust to let his guard down enough to lead me to the truth of his abuse. I don't think he consciously meant to disclose, but he gave me so many hints along the way to help me figure it out on my own--a silent cry for help I figure. When I confronted him with it finally that day, at first there was denial, and then there was acceptance that I knew, and finally there was the decision on his part that I should find someone else because he felt he was unable to meet my physical needs.

I've never wanted to give up on him. I'm the only one that can truly be there for him like no one else in his life can since they don't know. So even faced with all this rejection, and having for the first time done what I've never done--CHASE a man, which has been very difficult and out of my comfort zone, I've come to realize that I've hit a wall and don't know what else I'm supposed to do.

If there was a glimmer of hope that he would acknowledge me and let me in, I think it would give me the strength I need to keep being persistent, but all I've gotten is dead silence. I don't want to be with anyone else but him and really can't imagine my life without him, but after reading so much on this site, I recognize that many of the partners on here have dealt with so much more pain and rejection than I have, and I really don't know if I have it in me to keep persisting when my emotional needs aren't being acknowledged or met, and he won't let me support him either. At this point, I'm wondering if he just views me as an annoyance who won't leave him in peace.

Some days, I just wish I fell in love with someone who didn't have this issue, and it could just be a linear path like many of my friends who are in solid relationships where their needs are mutually being met. So perhaps it's time to find one of those relationships once I've healed and am ready to move forward with someone new? It does feel like he and I have unfinished business though. How am I supposed to just walk away for the rest of my life with this nagging feeling inside that I've left him behind? Will he ever look back and try to contact me? Did I mean so little to him that he's able to let me go just like that because I discovered his secret? Is he even capable of feeling anything for me at this stage of his life? Our story doesn't feel done yet, but what choice do I have but to walk away now? Can you just keep banging your head against the wall forever? I honestly feel like I've done all I can do short of getting on a plane and flying across the country to get in his face and make him deal with me. Sometimes I think he picked the perfect person to disclose to because he knew he would never have to deal with me again considering it was a bi-coastal relationship, and he could easily shut me out because I couldn't show up on his doorstep so easily.

If there are any survivors who think there is something more I can do to encourage him to let me in, I'd love to hear any suggestions. What would it take for you to let someone in who discovered your secret? Why is he doing this? Have I become a reminder of a part of his life he wants to forget so he can pretend like he's fine and go back to his regular way of interacting in the world with his secret? Is it just best to stop bothering him with attempts at communication? Do you think he just views me as an annoyance since he doesn't respond? Thanks to all of you for your perspectives. And a special thanks to Liv for your countless PMs and support along the way that really got me this far. And BJK, if you're reading this, I'd love to know your take. Thank you.

Lee


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#245324 - 08/18/08 03:10 AM Re: Time to let him go? [Re: Lee73]
Brian Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 05/03/01
Posts: 1563
Loc: Upstate NY
Lee,

My guess is that he is feeling an incredible amount of shame that someone knows his secret. There is nothing that you can say or do that will push him into dealing with his shame or dealing with you and your need for closure. He has likely crawled back in his shell and trying his best to put up a front that he thinks will allow him to live a "normal life".

If you want to send him one more email to get some closure for yourself (and possibly help him), I would suggest telling him that he is a good person, that many boys get molested and deal with it later in life and go on to live fulfilling lives and tell him about our online community if and when he wants to talk to others that understand what he has been going through for so many years. Tell him that you hope that one day he decides to deal with this stuff so he can live a happy and fulfilling life.

After this email is sent, I would not contact him again. I would seek out a counselor for yourself (even if it's just 1 or 2 visits to help deal with your feelings of grief and helplessness). Then get on with your own life - and don't look back!

Good luck!

Brian

_________________________
Recovery is Possible!

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#245329 - 08/18/08 04:37 AM Re: Time to let him go? [Re: Brian]
dangal Offline
New Here

Registered: 02/09/08
Posts: 222
Loc: seattle area
It's all true. Just know it's not your fault and you are not walking away, as in turning your back towards him. I would if it were me, let him know you care about him. You have done all you can do. It's now time to live, because you deserve it. God bless. Good luck and I hope you find some happy times ahead soon.

_________________________
~Jen~
Life is to short to blend in

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#245355 - 08/18/08 10:44 AM Re: Time to let him go? [Re: dangal]
Trish4850 Offline
BoD Liaison Emeritus
MaleSurvivor<

Registered: 10/15/05
Posts: 3280
Loc: New Jersey
Yes, Lee, it's time to let go. It's time for Lee to do what's good for Lee. I like Brian's idea of seeking a counselor for yourself, if only for a little while, to help you through the necessary grieving process. I wish you well.

ROCK ON.......Trish

_________________________
If you fall down 10 times, Stand up 11.

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#245365 - 08/18/08 11:24 AM Re: Time to let him go? [Re: Trish4850]
WalkingSouth Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 16264
Lee,

Let go. Let him go, and start concentrating on you. You may wish to get some counseling to help with the grieving as well as help you explore why it is you were attracted to a damaged, hurting, partner who was unable to return your love.

Don't get me wrong, often times love happens when we're not looking for or expecting it, but if you could explore that area in counseling you may discover some very helpful things.

Lots of love,

John

_________________________
“Life’s journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting ‘Holy ____…! What a ride!’” ~Hunter S. Thompson

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#245460 - 08/18/08 08:49 PM Re: Time to let him go? [Re: WalkingSouth]
Lee73 Offline


Registered: 05/26/08
Posts: 32
Thank you Brian for explaining what he may be thinking and feeling. It's unfortunate that he is probably feeling shame. I'm sure he's felt enough of that throughout his lifetime, and I've tried to convince him that he doesn't need to feel that way around me, but I guess it hasn't worked unfortunately.

Thanks for your kind words dangal and Trish.

Walkingsouth, I don't see it that way--that I was attracted to a "damaged" individual. I don't view him as damaged and actually don't like that term of reference. He is highly functioning, funny, kind, the smartest person I've ever met and so many other wonderful adjectives where you wouldn't even realize he was hurting so I don't think it's that I was attracted to someone "damaged" necessarily. I didn't figure out that something was "off" until AFTER I fell in love with him, and once your heart is invested, it's hard to just turn your feelings off for someone once you realize they are hurting. You just feel like you want to help and support that person once you find out. Thank you for your words.

Lee


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#314837 - 12/16/09 11:43 PM Re: Time to let him go? [Re: Lee73]
Lee73 Offline


Registered: 05/26/08
Posts: 32
I haven't been on this site for over a year it looks like. During that time, I actually decided not to let go. I kept trying to break through to him. I actually even had many small successes along the way. We had a break-through of sorts in January of this year where he revealed a lot more to me and finally let his guard down with me. I thought I saw hope there so I kept persisting. It has always been 1 step forward and two steps back with him. I think I've FINALLY come to the end of the road after a little over 2 years of this push/pull relationship though. He still refuses to believe there is hope for healing and says he's too bitter, angry, prideful and vengeful. He wants to be left alone with his bitterness and anger. I feel so helpless. I invested so much time and emotion, we made great strides, but he still refuses therapy. I don't see him getting any better without it. Do some people go there whole lives like this and just give up on the idea of ever getting better? Never get married, never have children just because the known feels safer than the unknown? I don't want to give up on him, but it's starting to dawn on me that I may have to now. How can I convince him that there is hope for healing and his pride is the only thing that is holding him back from seeking help?


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#314852 - 12/17/09 12:40 AM Re: Time to let him go? [Re: Lee73]
Julia Offline


Registered: 11/05/08
Posts: 59
Dear Lee,

John was right. Your friend isn't a bad person, but he has been broken inside. Sometimes a person can feel safer locked into the same... than they would... moving forward into the unknown. You can't force him into therapy. But, you can inspire him to want more for himself and to do what needs to be done, to be healthy.

By moving on and taking care of yourself, your leading by example. He may want to catch up instead of being left behind. Or, he may never get to a place where he decides to get help. If that is the case, it isn't likely he will ever have the tools he needs in order to have a forfilling relationship with you.

Best of luck.
Love,
Julia


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#314854 - 12/17/09 12:52 AM Re: Time to let him go? [Re: Lee73]
DJsport Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/20/08
Posts: 1742
Originally Posted By: Lee73
He still refuses to believe there is hope for healing and says he's too bitter, angry, prideful and vengeful. He wants to be left alone with his bitterness and anger. I feel so helpless.


Hi, Lee.

I am DJ. I am a survivor. I am not sure if your ok hearing from a survivor or not but here it goes.

I agree with Lee. And it sounds like you have reached your limit.

Sexual abuse is hideous. It is tiresome and causes huge damage.

Don't let it damage you too. I know you love him. BUT speaking as a survivor, I needed help and my own time to sort it out.

It is very sad. I have watched families fall apart b/c of the SA.

Take care of yourself first,
DJ

_________________________
Live to your fullest potential

Never make someone a priority if your only an option

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#314857 - 12/17/09 01:09 AM Re: Time to let him go? [Re: DJsport]
Lee73 Offline


Registered: 05/26/08
Posts: 32
Thanks Julia for the kinda words. I don't know that I will have inspired him to want more since it hasn't happened yet, but you could be right.

Thanks so much DJ. I really appreciate the perspective of a survivor. Was there anything anyone could have done to help support you or get you to where you were ready to seek help or was getting there only something you could do within yourself?


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#316788 - 12/29/09 09:59 AM Re: Time to let him go? [Re: Lee73]
Obi Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/28/09
Posts: 1314
Loc: kansas
.


Edited by Obi (04/29/13 01:31 PM)
_________________________
live another day. climb a little higher.

my story

my vlog

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#316833 - 12/29/09 05:24 PM Re: Time to let him go? [Re: Obi]
Lee73 Offline


Registered: 05/26/08
Posts: 32
Obi,

Thanks so much for sharing your story with me. It really helps to hear. I've always thought that he needs to "hit bottom" so to speak on his own, and nothing I say or do will help to get him there. Yes, we've made a lot of progress in the 2+ years I've known him now. I'm sure the things we've experienced together are leaps & bounds for him. I guess it would be after holding in such a destructive secret for 25+ years. And like you, I feel he's always testing the waters and throwing out bits of information here and there and then disappearing for months at a time to wait for some fallout that he must think his admissions will cause. I realize now that I've been putting my life on hold waiting for him to "hit bottom" so that he can admit he needs help, and we can finally start on the road to recovery. But from everything I've learned from wonderful people like you who have shared their stories, it sounds like every person has his own journey to take, and I can't force him into therapy or seeking help until he's ready. I'm glad that whatever caused you to have the worst day of your life assisted you in reaching out for help. I hope that my guy eventually gets to that place for his own sake, even though it's now too late to help salvage our relationship. I appreciate your kindness.

Lee


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#316840 - 12/29/09 07:46 PM Re: Time to let him go? [Re: Lee73]
Obi Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/28/09
Posts: 1314
Loc: kansas
.



Edited by Obi (04/29/13 01:32 PM)
_________________________
live another day. climb a little higher.

my story

my vlog

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#316916 - 12/30/09 02:57 AM Re: Time to let him go? [Re: Obi]
Lee73 Offline


Registered: 05/26/08
Posts: 32
Obi,

Was there anything your fiance could have said or done to help you? Or would nothing have mattered until you had the worst day of your life and "hit bottom" on your own? I have tried to get my guy to accept the idea of seeking therapy. His response to me was, "I'd rather be waterboarded." I know he can't even begin healing until he accepts help, but is there anything we as partners can do to help get you all there or does all of it only come from within yourselves?


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#316922 - 12/30/09 05:52 AM Re: Time to let him go? [Re: Lee73]
Obi Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/28/09
Posts: 1314
Loc: kansas
.


Edited by Obi (04/29/13 01:34 PM)
_________________________
live another day. climb a little higher.

my story

my vlog

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#317197 - 12/31/09 08:04 PM Re: Time to let him go? [Re: Obi]
Lee73 Offline


Registered: 05/26/08
Posts: 32
Thank you. It's difficult to accept sometimes that the journey is a road you all have to take on your own, and maybe there isn't a whole we can do to make you feel supported through the process. I'll keep in mind your idea of friendship. Perhaps he and I can be friends down the road someday once the emotions are less raw, and perhaps the hurt feelings have subsided someday. Thank you!!

Lee


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#319136 - 01/16/10 10:35 PM Re: Time to let him go? [Re: Lee73]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6401
Loc: 2.5 NATO Nations
!

_________________________
Wishing You Were Here!

The Aftermath Video

The Water Buffalo Song

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#319157 - 01/17/10 04:36 AM Re: Time to let him go? [Re: Still]
Lee73 Offline


Registered: 05/26/08
Posts: 32
I'm not sure I understand, Robbie. What do you suggest I do when he lives on the East Coast, and I live on the West, and he refused to return any of my messages for over 7 months, refused to see me when I specifically went to the East Coast for 10 days to spend time with him? Unfortunately, I don't think I was left with any choice but to walk away. He wouldn't allow any other option. What would you suggest I should have done? I tried to support him for over 2 years, but he didn't want it. I think when someone isn't ready to face his demons, there isn't much anyone else can do to help can they? If they can, please tell me what. He says he wants to be left alone with his anger and bitterness and wants me to find happiness with someone else. Did he not really mean that?


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#319160 - 01/17/10 09:23 AM Re: Time to let him go? [Re: Lee73]
prisonerID Offline
Greeter Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/17/08
Posts: 1247
Loc: Oklahoma
Lee,

In life it seems like there just has to be someone at fault. He could not help what has happened to him. And you cannot help how the relationship has turned out now. There does not have to be a villain in this. You do not seem to see him as one and you do not need to view yourself as one either. It is all a tragedy but one where the villain is in his past - the abuser.

He is accountable for what he does and does not do in his life. Whether he seeks help or chooses on the course he has set for himself right now. In the meantime you have a life to live and a future. Maybe one day he will turn to you and maybe he never will. You left the door open and that is about all you can do. But either way you have a life to live.

As in all things each person and couple/family is an individual case. You have to make the decisions that are best and only you know all the angles that have gone into this decision.

I wish you the best.


Daryl



Edited by prisonerID (01/17/10 09:50 AM)
_________________________
Broad statements often miss their true mark.

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#319182 - 01/17/10 01:29 PM Re: Time to let him go? [Re: Lee73]
ComicBookGuy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/08/09
Posts: 443
Loc: London, England
Originally Posted By: Lee73
I'm not sure I understand, Robbie. What do you suggest I do when he lives on the East Coast, and I live on the West, and he refused to return any of my messages for over 7 months, refused to see me when I specifically went to the East Coast for 10 days to spend time with him? Unfortunately, I don't think I was left with any choice but to walk away. He wouldn't allow any other option. What would you suggest I should have done? I tried to support him for over 2 years, but he didn't want it. I think when someone isn't ready to face his demons, there isn't much anyone else can do to help can they? If they can, please tell me what. He says he wants to be left alone with his anger and bitterness and wants me to find happiness with someone else. Did he not really mean that?


Aha well that explains things Lee, the relationship was already long distance, I was having trouble figuring that out.

You've done your bit and gone way over and above the call of duty relationship-wise, but slapping you in the face as a friend is a step too far if you took a trip over to see him and he didn't want to see you.

If you need therapy of your own then go for it but as far as I'm concerned it's down to him to figure out what he's lost now, rather than you trying to bale out the Titanic with Tupperware. Link him to MS and then just leave it.

_________________________
- CBG

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#319224 - 01/17/10 11:23 PM Re: Time to let him go? [Re: Lee73]
Lee73 Offline


Registered: 05/26/08
Posts: 32
Thanks Daryl and CBG. I take your words to heart and appreciate your advice.

Lee


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#319661 - 01/21/10 11:51 PM Re: Time to let him go? [Re: Lee73]
kinetic1 Offline
New Here

Registered: 03/03/08
Posts: 4
Thank you both very much for sharing. This has helped me with my situation.


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#320753 - 01/30/10 06:29 PM Re: Time to let him go? [Re: Lee73]
Aberrant30 Offline


Registered: 01/29/10
Posts: 139
Loc: I live on the Emerald Coast, F...
I don't know if i am helping Lee, but I am a surviort my self, and i am in love with a survior to. So I guess i'm Support to lol, any way. M my lover, wouldn't ever speak about his abues, never, i only found out about it, from his horribel ex. See M was a Handme down boyfreind for me, His ex didn't and couldn't do any thing with him, so he was like "hey tom you want this." I know..that's horrible, but i was so glad I said yes. M is my world, my Sun and Moon. But when he has talked about his abues, he shows all the sings of shock, i guess it's shock, He goes dead cold, shivers, parnoid, and in Tears. I don't know what he's feeling, he won't say, i only know that he is so very upset. But unlike your situation, he lets me in, he allows me to comfort him, kiss him, make love to him. He let's me heal him in ways I can't beging to understand, and in doing so I leanred to finaly deal with what happend to me as well. You can't get in, he's not ready and it's posibel he never will. It's sad but I have seen some people that just can't be saved. It may be time to step back and let him go, give him your contact info and let him make the next move.
Bright blessings and lots of love.

_________________________
"The beginning of eternity
The end of time and space
The beginning of every end,
And the end of every place."
Hint: It's in front of you right now.
(Formerly known as Aberrant30

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#320792 - 01/31/10 04:45 AM Re: Time to let him go? [Re: Aberrant30]
Lee73 Offline


Registered: 05/26/08
Posts: 32
Thanks, Tom. I appreciate your kind words. It's so hard to let go, but I know I must because he won't let me in, and like you said, he may never be ready.

Lee


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