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#316788 - 12/29/09 09:59 AM Re: Time to let him go? [Re: Lee73]
Obi Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/28/09
Posts: 1331
Loc: kansas
.


Edited by Obi (04/29/13 01:31 PM)
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#316833 - 12/29/09 05:24 PM Re: Time to let him go? [Re: Obi]
Lee73 Offline


Registered: 05/26/08
Posts: 32
Obi,

Thanks so much for sharing your story with me. It really helps to hear. I've always thought that he needs to "hit bottom" so to speak on his own, and nothing I say or do will help to get him there. Yes, we've made a lot of progress in the 2+ years I've known him now. I'm sure the things we've experienced together are leaps & bounds for him. I guess it would be after holding in such a destructive secret for 25+ years. And like you, I feel he's always testing the waters and throwing out bits of information here and there and then disappearing for months at a time to wait for some fallout that he must think his admissions will cause. I realize now that I've been putting my life on hold waiting for him to "hit bottom" so that he can admit he needs help, and we can finally start on the road to recovery. But from everything I've learned from wonderful people like you who have shared their stories, it sounds like every person has his own journey to take, and I can't force him into therapy or seeking help until he's ready. I'm glad that whatever caused you to have the worst day of your life assisted you in reaching out for help. I hope that my guy eventually gets to that place for his own sake, even though it's now too late to help salvage our relationship. I appreciate your kindness.

Lee


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#316840 - 12/29/09 07:46 PM Re: Time to let him go? [Re: Lee73]
Obi Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/28/09
Posts: 1331
Loc: kansas
.



Edited by Obi (04/29/13 01:32 PM)
_________________________
live another day. climb a little higher.

my story

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#316916 - 12/30/09 02:57 AM Re: Time to let him go? [Re: Obi]
Lee73 Offline


Registered: 05/26/08
Posts: 32
Obi,

Was there anything your fiance could have said or done to help you? Or would nothing have mattered until you had the worst day of your life and "hit bottom" on your own? I have tried to get my guy to accept the idea of seeking therapy. His response to me was, "I'd rather be waterboarded." I know he can't even begin healing until he accepts help, but is there anything we as partners can do to help get you all there or does all of it only come from within yourselves?


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#316922 - 12/30/09 05:52 AM Re: Time to let him go? [Re: Lee73]
Obi Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/28/09
Posts: 1331
Loc: kansas
.


Edited by Obi (04/29/13 01:34 PM)
_________________________
live another day. climb a little higher.

my story

my vlog

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#317197 - 12/31/09 08:04 PM Re: Time to let him go? [Re: Obi]
Lee73 Offline


Registered: 05/26/08
Posts: 32
Thank you. It's difficult to accept sometimes that the journey is a road you all have to take on your own, and maybe there isn't a whole we can do to make you feel supported through the process. I'll keep in mind your idea of friendship. Perhaps he and I can be friends down the road someday once the emotions are less raw, and perhaps the hurt feelings have subsided someday. Thank you!!

Lee


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#319136 - 01/16/10 10:35 PM Re: Time to let him go? [Re: Lee73]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6424
Loc: 2.5 NATO Nations
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#319157 - 01/17/10 04:36 AM Re: Time to let him go? [Re: Still]
Lee73 Offline


Registered: 05/26/08
Posts: 32
I'm not sure I understand, Robbie. What do you suggest I do when he lives on the East Coast, and I live on the West, and he refused to return any of my messages for over 7 months, refused to see me when I specifically went to the East Coast for 10 days to spend time with him? Unfortunately, I don't think I was left with any choice but to walk away. He wouldn't allow any other option. What would you suggest I should have done? I tried to support him for over 2 years, but he didn't want it. I think when someone isn't ready to face his demons, there isn't much anyone else can do to help can they? If they can, please tell me what. He says he wants to be left alone with his anger and bitterness and wants me to find happiness with someone else. Did he not really mean that?


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#319160 - 01/17/10 09:23 AM Re: Time to let him go? [Re: Lee73]
prisonerID Offline
Greeter Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/17/08
Posts: 1247
Loc: Oklahoma
Lee,

In life it seems like there just has to be someone at fault. He could not help what has happened to him. And you cannot help how the relationship has turned out now. There does not have to be a villain in this. You do not seem to see him as one and you do not need to view yourself as one either. It is all a tragedy but one where the villain is in his past - the abuser.

He is accountable for what he does and does not do in his life. Whether he seeks help or chooses on the course he has set for himself right now. In the meantime you have a life to live and a future. Maybe one day he will turn to you and maybe he never will. You left the door open and that is about all you can do. But either way you have a life to live.

As in all things each person and couple/family is an individual case. You have to make the decisions that are best and only you know all the angles that have gone into this decision.

I wish you the best.


Daryl



Edited by prisonerID (01/17/10 09:50 AM)
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#319182 - 01/17/10 01:29 PM Re: Time to let him go? [Re: Lee73]
ComicBookGuy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/08/09
Posts: 443
Loc: London, England
Originally Posted By: Lee73
I'm not sure I understand, Robbie. What do you suggest I do when he lives on the East Coast, and I live on the West, and he refused to return any of my messages for over 7 months, refused to see me when I specifically went to the East Coast for 10 days to spend time with him? Unfortunately, I don't think I was left with any choice but to walk away. He wouldn't allow any other option. What would you suggest I should have done? I tried to support him for over 2 years, but he didn't want it. I think when someone isn't ready to face his demons, there isn't much anyone else can do to help can they? If they can, please tell me what. He says he wants to be left alone with his anger and bitterness and wants me to find happiness with someone else. Did he not really mean that?


Aha well that explains things Lee, the relationship was already long distance, I was having trouble figuring that out.

You've done your bit and gone way over and above the call of duty relationship-wise, but slapping you in the face as a friend is a step too far if you took a trip over to see him and he didn't want to see you.

If you need therapy of your own then go for it but as far as I'm concerned it's down to him to figure out what he's lost now, rather than you trying to bale out the Titanic with Tupperware. Link him to MS and then just leave it.

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