My story starts around the time that most stories begin... childhood. I am now 51, and have only recently told anyone what happened to me.
But here goes...
Growing up, i found that i really did not have many friends or role models. My neighborhood was much like average suburbia. I lived in a quiet neighborhood, but it was filled with a bunch of bullies... guys bigger than I and much stronger. There were times that they ganged up on me and wrapped me in a roll of carpet and left me for what seemed a long time. I think that i was so freaked out when they came back that they did not do that again. Another time they held me down and put roaches on me. I lived in Southwest FL so they were plentiful. To this day i scream when a roach enters the room.... imagine that a grown man freaking out over a little roach.
My dad was an alcoholic as long as I can remember, so we were very distant. He worked and drank... about the sum of it. So I yearned to find someone to replace him. My family started doing things with another married couple, no children. The man showed me a lot of attention and i started to really get connected to his emotionally. One weekend, he convinced my family that I should come stay with him "to help out at the shop." What can a 12 year old boy do in a flower shop besides sweep the floor!!!
My parents said that sounded like a great idea, and i was all for it too. I was finally going to have the opportunity to spend some quality time with my "new dad."
The weekend started out normal, i guess. We worked in the shop on Saturday a little and then went to his house (right behind his shop)for lunch. As we were eating, he pulled out some porn magazines for me to look at. I had seen playboy before but never playgirl. I was instantly at "attention." He noticed and started touching me and reached down my pants and started fondling me. My mind was reeling at this point. My emotions were saying... i like this, but my mind was silently screaming... STOP. This ended as quickly as it started, and he told me that I could stay and look at the magazines for a while if I wanted, but that he was going to go back to the shop. I think i looked at every picture and read every posted story. After a while, I decided that I should probably go back over to the shop. We worked a little, others were there, so he did not make any comments or approach me. I remember that the phone rang...not unusual in a flower shop, but was really weird was he told me to go answer it in his office. I thought that was strange... what did I know about flowers except that you keep them in water or they die. i answered the phone and told the man that it was for him. He said to tell the person he would be right there, and told me to wait for him to come and get it.
He came into the office and stood in the door so I could not leave. He didnt make that obvious though so I patiently waited for him to finish his conversation. He handed me the phone and told me to hang it up... ok this is where some triggers may come. When I was hanging the phone up he came up behind me and put his arms around me and gave me a big hug. He started whispering in my ear asking me if I liked looking at the magazine. I told him that I had never seen one like that before. He started undoing my belt and pants. The next thing I remember is standing in the corner looking at this guy and someone that looked like me. He was fondling this boy and the boy had a funny look on his face. His eyes were closed and he was breathing funny. All of a sudden I was jolted back into reality when i ejaculated. I was only 12, but I had already gone though puberty. I did not really know what just had happened. While he was doing this, he told me to touch his dick too... this was the first time I ever touched a man. He was fully clothed so no skin on skin action happened. After I cleaned up, he told me not to tell anyone about what had happened, that this was our secret. He hugged me again, and it felt good and right. I loved his embrace.
Later on that night, we were watching TV and he told me to take the pillow off of my lap so he could really look at me. I put the pillow there so that I could hide my dick from him. He grabbed the pillow and threw it across the room and said that was better. I really felt exposed. It came time for bed and I told him that I would just sleep on the couch.
I don't know how much time had passed...I had fallen asleep. I was awakened by a weird sensation... something wet under the blanket. When I opened my eyes I saw that his head was under the blanket... and then it hit me, this man was sucking my dick. I couldn't believe it. Guys talked about this in the locker room, and now it was happening to me. My emotions were again saying this was right, but my head was saying this is not right.... STOP. MY BRAIN WON THIS TIME. I told him to stop and turned over... that was a big mistake, about 8 inches of mistake. He told me that I was playing hard to get, and that he was going to really show me what a man does with a women. I had no idea what he was talking about, until I felt this sharp pain... something I had never experienced before. I told him to stop, that what he was doing really hurt. So he stopped! But he was not finished with what he wanted to do, to screw me.
He carried me to his bedroom and put me on the bed. Once again he started playing with me and I was soon at attention. I watched him as he started sucking my dick... and then he repositioned himself with his hip in front of my face. I saw a mans dick for the first time... close up. He started rubbing it across my lips and before I really knew what I was doing, I had his dick in my mouth and he was moving his hips back and forth.
This was it... all I could take, I ejaculated in his mouth. He was not happy about that at all. He got up from the bed and disappeared into the bathroom for a second. When he came back out, he had a white tube in his hand. I watched him open the tube and put some on his cock. Then he said... ok now it is time you became a man. He turned me over on my stomach and started putting some of the tube all over my butt. He reached down and pulled my knees to my chest. I felt him push his dick inside me. I really could not believe what was happening. All the while he was screwing me,he kept saying, you want this... I know you want this... just look at your dick. I did and I was really up and throbbing. I do not know how much time passed but suddenly, he just relaxed on top of me. After a little bit, he told me to go and take a bath. I asked him if he peed in my butt, and he just laughed.
Fast forward three years... I am not 15. Since that weekend I really started to pull away from any guy friend. I did not know why or understand it... and to this day I still struggle with having guys hug me or put their arm on my shoulder. MS has helped me in a HUGE way to get through this.
I am now in the 10th grade... and really had a crush on one of my girl classmates. She started showing an interest in me and boy was I excited... my first real girlfriend. I did date in my freshman year several girls, and like every one of them.
This girl told me about someone that she knew who could take awsy all of my sin and shame... well I was full of both. That year changed my life forever. I trusted Jesus as my savior. But my abuse had not ended. I thought that I should go back and confront this man and tell him that I had forgiven him for taking a part of my soul and using it as he wished... so I went back.
This was so foolish. I started telling him about what had happened in my life, and he said... you are no different, you loved it, and you want it, that is why you came back. He grabbed me and started dragging me to the bed... I was struggling now, I did not want this to happen AGAIN!!!! He started touching me and I was again over the edge... a full erection. I could not process this. Why did I have an erection... i must be gay. He pushed me down on the bed and dropped his pants and proceeded to climb on top of me... he lowered himself on me and started riding my dick. I was sobbing and screaming stop. Finally he did. He turned to me and said he was sorry and asked if I would forgive him.... I told him that I already had, but wondered if God could. I left that day and never saw this man again.
A couple of years later my parents told me that he had gotten really sick and had died. I did not know how to feel about that... so I just shut it away.... away until just recently,through the help of some super guys,i shared my story. I can never forget what happened back then, but i have moved on somewhat. I am now really understanding where I need to go and what I need to do to make it happen... and it is not easy, but want this for me, for my wife, and for my family.
Thanks for reading this rather long story... keep me in your thoughts and prayers.
Edited by ModTeam to add a Trigger warning.
Edited by ModTeam (08/16/08 07:52 PM)