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#244469 - 08/14/08 10:10 AM Struggling
VLinvictus Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/05/07
Posts: 273
Loc: NY
I've been in a bit of an emotional mess for a while now.

I had posted before about my anxieties over negotiating the end of my relationship, the counseling my ex-partner and I have been going through, etc. Well, I'm happy to say that progress is being made, just not as smoothly and quickly as I would like.

I feel tempest-tossed, buffetted on all sides. In context of the relationship issues, I'm being held back by tremendous feelings of guilt and codependence. My "cohabitant" was a perfect fit into the void left behind by my hyper-critical, intolerant, and emotionally abusive father and the little boy inside who learned that everything is always his fault and that it's his responsibility to make sure everyone is happy is having a fit. He's afraid to take inititive in any changes for fear of hurting the other guy's feelings: if he hurt his feelings, that would mean he is a Bad Person. It's annoying and stressful and I just wish it would end.

I've felt completely paralyzed at work. It's summer, and this week my boss has been out on vacation, and I've had nothing to do. However, in the rare occasions when there has been work to do, something has always gone wrong. This provides my boss -- another intolerant, hypercritical, emotional-abusive stand-in for my father -- plenty of fodder to chew me out. As a result, I have no energy and no initiative: why bother being proactive when you're guaranteed to always make the wrong the decision? So, this week I've sat and vegetated on the internet. Yesterday, I was in such a daze that I couldn't even carry on a conversation. The day did zoom by, but I felt like I wasted a precious chunk of my life that I will never get back.

I've felt bogged down by a creeping depression that sucks the energy and joy out of my life. I can't muster the energy to reach out and interact with people. I don't answer emails or return phone calls. I crawl into a cocoon of isolation that is matched by a feeling of insulation in my mind: it feels as if there is a fog or a barrier of cotton balls between me and the outside world that I simply cannot penetrate. I feel as if I'm going through the world unconscious, and I wish I could just stay home and sleep. Last Friday I couldn't even manage to get out of bed and so called in sick and slept for about 14 hours. I even lost interest in sex!

I have an appointment with my psychopharmacologist tomorrow to reassess my meds, so at least that's a start. I was supposed to have made an appointment with him in April but I just couldn't muster the energy to do so. The couple's counselor made me promise to make an appointment when I confessed I was considering buying sleeping pills.

It's not all doom and gloom. I had dinner and drinks last night with a guy I met through his blog and enjoyed socializing in person instead of simply via computer. It was fun, and I felt alive. Then I took the hour-long train ride to the suburban hellhole I'm trapped in and I felt myself sinking right back down into the doldrums.

I just wanted to share. Writing this has been the most focused thing I've done in the past two days and I do feel a bit better having gotten it out there.

Thanks.

Dan

_________________________
We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.
~ Oscar Wilde

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#244478 - 08/14/08 11:00 AM Re: Struggling [Re: VLinvictus]
MemoryVault Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 03/01/07
Posts: 693
Loc: NJ
(((Dan)))

I'm so glad you posted this. You're not alone. The Internet can reach even deepest suburbia.

I'm also glad you're giving a voice to that formless gray feeling/absence of feeling. The fog is depression's disguise--in reality, it's very much a presence, dangerous and savage. Keep fighting it--it's real. And know you have strong allies in the fight: your friends who love you.

David


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#244481 - 08/14/08 11:22 AM Re: Struggling [Re: VLinvictus]
Stephen_5 Offline
BoD Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 09/12/00
Posts: 667
Loc: Northern California Foothills
Dan,

I know the feelings that you're having. Nothing seems to move at the pace and timing that we want it to, but I'm glad that it is moving forward even at a glacial progression. It's not selfish to think of yourself for a change. Other people will have hurt feelings no matter what you or anyone else does; it's their way of manipulating the situation. You cannot control how someone else reacts to what you need to do for your own betterment.

I know it's so easy for me to say but all of this will be worth it.

My father was hyper critical and emotionally distant and I've seen those same traits in so many people that I've worked with and for. For years I let those kinds of personalities 'get to me', make me feel inferior and use me to get ahead. When I started dealing with the other issues in my life I became more self-assured and confident. I ended up changing jobs, moving and I've started to become the person that I always knew I had the potential to be.

Try to give yourself a little slack. Be compassionate to yourself. Take good care of yourself.

Steve

_________________________
I want to stay as close to the edge as I can without going over. Out on the edge you see all kinds of things you can't see from the center.
Kurt Vonnegut (1922-2007)

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#244507 - 08/14/08 01:07 PM Re: Struggling [Re: VLinvictus]
Sans Logos Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/31/03
Posts: 5791
Loc: in my own world in pittsburgh,...
dan sorry to know about the conflict you are having at this time.

i currently feel frozen in a similar desert period -- and it is a bit nerve wracking, but i am trying to find a way to make peace with it. like you, in a moment of lucidity i awoke and saw a need for change in the state of my life, much like you did when you realized that something was amiss in the relationship with your partenr.

it makes sense that you would be having transitional anxiety as you move from one life model to another, but it's the pesky old 'built in' automatic tendency to transform thought energy into emotional energy that perhaps is behind the tempest-tossedness of it all.

yes, shifting from one state of being in the world to another place of approximation, there is bound to be some pain, likened to the snake shedding it skin, but it is simply all part of the process of transformation.

we do like our drama, and sometimes in times of change, when the regular controls are beyond our reach and no longer working to serve as they once did, there is a tendency to freak out, because we don't recognize the usual psychic wallpaper of our interior lives. we've moved out and on, and we don't live there anymore. the trouble is, and that which we don't recognize right away, is that we are trying to live the transition with the same mindset we had developed up to that point, which was only meant to serve in a given set of circumstances, which are now reflective, for all intents and purposes, a life that is in your past, a life where you no longer function, and no longer exist in.

help mommy! i feel lost!!

i think people get reaaly afraid when they think the ground is sinking from beneath them. but if only we could learn to trust a little sooner, recalling in retrospect that the ground always appeared beneath our feet when in the past the foot went down to meet it. we never had to worry about whether it would be there, it always was.

and now, with this time of transition, the ground has to be formed of new purpose, which has not yet been decided. oh, but truly, it is being germinated even now at this moment. the seed of your life in future moments is lying dormant, and will shoot forth at the designated time.

and when that time comes, when it is ready, your joy will become more apparent. it has not left you, it just does know where to be right now. it will come.

acept the desert, and allow it to give you a new vision and a new sense of direction for you future moments.

it is a compassionate emptiness. it wants to be your friend. it will help you grow.

your brother in advent,

ron



_________________________
  1. the past
  2. ReClaiming Now
  3. advocacy


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#246102 - 08/21/08 08:27 PM Re: Struggling [Re: VLinvictus]
Joel Rosset Offline


Registered: 08/21/08
Posts: 45
Loc: Canada
Along my journey to self realization I was blessed to participate in a workshop on how to free oneself of false feelings of guilt. I discovered that it is one of the keys that open the prison door of codependancy. Adult-children that we are, no one ever told us that the guilt we carry is not our own, but rather it is a transfer from our abusive parent. Once you realize that you have the power and also the right to unload that false guilt, believe me your whole world opens up. It's definetly a step in the right direction.

Happy journeying
Joel

_________________________
Wise souls are deeply scarred

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