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#244375 - 08/13/08 09:06 PM I don't love my mom.... is that so wrong?
Tinman Offline


Registered: 05/30/08
Posts: 359
Loc: Lake Forest, CA
I thought I would post this here to get feedback not just from survivors, but from family people. I am grateful that non-survivors don't post in "our" area, but I am grateful that you support us. So here goes.

I don't love my mom. I don't even like her. I have been angry with her for years. Because she knew what was happening to me and didn't lift a finger to stop it. Despite being slapped around by the asshole who molested me and being constantly belittled, she had to have "her man."

I have had some people in my SIA group tell me that it isn't her fault what happened to me. Well, maybe not, but she could have stopped it. She could have taken me away the first time she saw him do it. She didn't.

I view her as just as guilty as him. Maybe more so. Because he was a sick f*** but she didn't have that excuse.

I don't talk to her. She has tried to connect with me, but I want nothing to do with her until she apologizes for what she let happen. And I mean really apologize. I want her to realize what she let her little boy go through. I want her to take responsibility for her part in it. Until then, she can go to hell in my book.

Do you think I am wrong? Should I just suck it up and realize she had issues of her own?

Thanks,

Paul

_________________________
Tinman
"I finally have my heart!"

To the perps: Don't worry about me coming after you. But you damn well better watch out for God! "Vengeance is mine", saith the Lord

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#244383 - 08/13/08 09:17 PM Re: I don't love my mom.... is that so wrong? [Re: Tinman]
Junefriday Offline


Registered: 06/05/08
Posts: 113
Loc: Canada
Hi Paul,

No, I do not think you are wrong. Parents are supposed to protect their children. Period.

Sometimes things do happen that are beyond their control, but it sounds like your mother had a choice...she just chose the wrong one.

What would "really apologize" look like to you? Does she know?

While I don't think you should just "suck it up and realize she had issues of her own", I do think that you need to decide how much you are going to let this eat away at you. I can't imagine that it will be easy, but you need to find a way to put your dislike for your mother aside and not let her or the molester continue to affect your life the way they do.

Of course, I don't have the slightest clue exactly how you would do that.... \:\)

_________________________
"Love comes to those who still hope even though they've been disappointed, to those who still believe even though they've been betrayed, to those who still love even though they've been hurt before.

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#244389 - 08/13/08 09:29 PM Re: I don't love my mom.... is that so wrong? [Re: Tinman]
BJK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/02/07
Posts: 1526
Well, Paul, I totally empathize with your plight. You are absolutely right. Your mother is every bit as guilty as your perp is. It is her fault, and anyone who would ever tell you otherwise is full of it.

However, you must also realize that you cannot control her reaction to this. She may never realize it is her fault, and you can't make her apologize. At the same time, she might be full of guilt for it but too ashamed of her own inability to escape her abuse to take responsibility for it. I think it is important for you to work towards closing off this gaping wound and dealing with the pain it is causing you. That may mean you have to forgive her, but keep in mind that forgiving her doesn't necessarily mean that you have to talk to her.

Bryan

_________________________
Revenge is nothing more than another way of perpetuating abuse.

What the world needs now
Is some new words of wisdom
Like la la la la la la la la la.
-David Lowery

Having a friend who will keep a secret for you is worthless compared to a friend who won't keep a secret from you.

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#244424 - 08/14/08 12:34 AM Re: I don't love my mom.... is that so wrong? [Re: BJK]
dgoods Offline
Guest

Registered: 10/15/07
Posts: 622
Loc: Richmond area
Hi Paul-
It's funny; i have a fairly good understanding of where my parents came from, what might have driven them to make the decisions they did, and know that it's perfectly possible for someone to become a parent w/o having a record of brilliant decision-making... but there's still part of me that's cold and angry. Intellectually knowing that all parents are people too, with their own histories and issues, does not mean that you should just "suck it up".

You feel how you feel for a reason; for example, when my father would lose his temper, i was helpless to stop it- and that feeling of knowing something is very wrong, but being unable to stop it yourself, or enlist any help to stop it from happening again, leaves a lot of cold fury that doesn't get magically whisked away by a knowledgeable adult perspective... at least not for me. We were certainly entitled to our outrage and pain then, and there's no rule that says once we accept the possibilty of an idea into our heads, our hearts will immediately accept and embrace it too.

We know what it's like to have our needs ignored, dismissed, or made secondary- no one should be surprised if we tend to get a little fierce when it comes to getting messages today that remind us of that, however well-intentioned. There's no set timetable for acceptance or forgiveness; i wouldn't be surprised if any effort by your mother to contact you simply pisses you off all over again, maybe prompting thoughts of "She STILL doesn't get it!"

I'm sure your mother didn't deliberately set out to become a bad parent; but that doesn't mean you're bad or wrong to feel as you do. Sometimes i feel the best all of us can do, is know ourselves as well as possible; we will never teach the same horrible lessons we learned. At least in this day, there are places like this, where we can share and understand what's happened to us. You won't hear any "Yeah, but..."s from me- i'm just glad you could post this, and keep the honesty and communication going!

_________________________
Give sorrow words: the grief that does not speak
Whispers the o'er-fraught heart and bids it break.

-William Shakespeare, Macbeth, Act IV, Sc. III

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#244542 - 08/14/08 03:32 PM Re: I don't love my mom.... is that so wrong? [Re: dgoods]
dangal Offline
New Here

Registered: 02/09/08
Posts: 222
Loc: seattle area
I read something in Lew's book that I always hold onto and remind my husband of when he tries so hard to blame himself for his abuse....

"Children have a right to care and protection. This right is absolute."

Later in the book he touches on this again. "While ignorance, fear, confusion, and apathy are explantions for inaction they are not excuses. Adults have a responsibility to protect children from harm."

I'm sure none of these facts are news to you. I am writing as a validation.

You did nothing wrong, someone should have protected you and bless the lord you have every right to be mad and not want to deal with those who didn't help you.

I have a few hated folks in my world as well. I KNOW I'm not a bad person. I don't want to ever say hate and anger is a great way to live, however, it is what it is.

Good luck sir.

_________________________
~Jen~
Life is to short to blend in

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#244569 - 08/14/08 04:45 PM Re: I don't love my mom.... is that so wrong? [Re: dangal]
Trish4850 Offline
BoD Liaison Emeritus
MaleSurvivor<

Registered: 10/15/05
Posts: 3280
Loc: New Jersey
No Paul, you aren't wrong or bad. Your mother had a responsibility to you, her child, and SHE failed. Children have the right to love and protection from their parents. Parents do not have the same right from their children unless they are deserving of it.

It may be true that your mother was incapable of being a parent, in that case, pity her if you choose to do so, but pity does not obligate you to love or even like her.

ROCK ON........Trish

_________________________
If you fall down 10 times, Stand up 11.

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#244597 - 08/14/08 08:58 PM Re: I don't love my mom.... is that so wrong? [Re: Trish4850]
Tinman Offline


Registered: 05/30/08
Posts: 359
Loc: Lake Forest, CA
Thank you so much for the support.

There is one thing I think I should clarify. My mother admitted to me years ago that she let my step-father abuse me because she was "too weak to fight him." But she never apologized. And when I brought it up two years ago, she told me to leave the ghosts of the past in the past and refused to discuss it. Stormed out of my house.

Does it eat at me? No. I just don't want anything to do with her until she admits exactly what she did and apologizes.

Thank you to all of you who said I had a RIGHT to be protected from the monster that was in my house. I never looked at it that way before!

Paul

_________________________
Tinman
"I finally have my heart!"

To the perps: Don't worry about me coming after you. But you damn well better watch out for God! "Vengeance is mine", saith the Lord

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#244606 - 08/14/08 09:53 PM Re: I don't love my mom.... is that so wrong? [Re: Tinman]
BJK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/02/07
Posts: 1526
In her heart, your mother will probably always believe she was "too weak to fight him". There is probably never going to be anything you can do about that. You can't make people apologize. That's really too bad because you truly deserve better.

Bryan

_________________________
Revenge is nothing more than another way of perpetuating abuse.

What the world needs now
Is some new words of wisdom
Like la la la la la la la la la.
-David Lowery

Having a friend who will keep a secret for you is worthless compared to a friend who won't keep a secret from you.

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#244643 - 08/15/08 05:29 AM Re: I don't love my mom.... is that so wrong? [Re: BJK]
delta.tetra Offline
Member

Registered: 04/17/05
Posts: 108
Loc: Netherlands
I think it is completely normal that you don't love your mum, she should have done something to protect you and she didn't. She was useless and a failure as a human because she knew her own child was being abused and did nothing to stop it, while you relied on her to do just that! You to believed your mum would do her very best for you as her kid and she failed in her responsibility towards you. I call it betrayal. HOW on earth could you love someone who did that!?


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#244670 - 08/15/08 09:43 AM Re: I don't love my mom.... is that so wrong? [Re: delta.tetra]
JustScott Offline
Greeter Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/27/08
Posts: 2582
Both my parents failed to keep my safe. Failed to pay attention to their children by becoming so absorbed with their own stuff that we spent huge amounts of time alone on our own. I get angrier every day.

When I disclosed to my parents, I got a little sympathy, but then it became all about what my mom was going through at the time.....

WTF Ever.

You're not wrong for your feelings. It doesn't take too much strength to pick up a phone and make a phone call.


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#244676 - 08/15/08 10:16 AM Re: I don't love my mom.... is that so wrong? [Re: JustScott]
BJK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/02/07
Posts: 1526
You know...my dad did try to take on my mother...he butted heads with her. He tried to confront her. He tried to win custody of my sister and me. He lost.

I still needed to take time to forgive him.

Bryan

_________________________
Revenge is nothing more than another way of perpetuating abuse.

What the world needs now
Is some new words of wisdom
Like la la la la la la la la la.
-David Lowery

Having a friend who will keep a secret for you is worthless compared to a friend who won't keep a secret from you.

Top
#244679 - 08/15/08 10:35 AM Re: I don't love my mom.... is that so wrong? [Re: BJK]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Paul,

No one could possibly blame you for not loving your mother. She had a basic duty to protect you - what could have been more important? And she blew it.

That said, what I also notice is that you seem to want something from her and hold out the possibility of a reconciliation if she apologizes. You say "really apologizes", by which I take it that you mean you want her to take responsibility and examine what her failure put you through as an abused boy.

So the point is: does she know any of this? Or does she just feel despised and rejected? The problem is that unless you tell her she may not even realize what the abuse meant to you and how it affected you in childhood and continues to affect you now.

Have you considered writing her a letter? Ken Singer has good advice on such letters here on the site, and you can take his comments on writing to the abuser and use them to write to your mother.

I think this would be a good way to go, and when I am working with teens on the site this is something I often ask them to do. Guys here have written letters not only to the abuser, but also to parents, other relatives, teachers, doctors, friends, and girlfriends or boyfriends. Just the process of writing the letter and going though one draft after another to get it right is a healing exercise in itself, and it may help you to work through some of your feelings even before you confront her. And when a survivor hands over the letter then both sides have an exact record of precisely what he wanted to say. Both can go back later and they both have the same record of what was said.

Whether this leads to a reconciliation or not is kind of beside the point, really. This problem is eating at you and it might be a good idea to address it. My experience is that the very best way to do that is to write a letter.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#244684 - 08/15/08 10:44 AM Re: I don't love my mom.... is that so wrong? [Re: roadrunner]
petercorbett Online   content
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/27/08
Posts: 2439
Loc: TEXAS
Hi Paul. My two cents worth, my mother also sexually,emotionally, physically & mentaly abusing me, along with a male friend of the family, plus total strangers. My problem has been solved for me she's DEAD. I always wished as a very young boy that she was dead. I don't ever remember a father around. No forgiving, no trying to understand why. All my abusers are DEAD, but I'm still suffering. (who won)?
Pete

_________________________
Working Boys' Home 10-14 yrs old, grades 5-8. 1949-1953
____________________________________________________________
A very humble alumni of the WOR Dahlonega, GA.
May 15-17 2009, Alta, Sep. 2009. Sequoia, 2010.
Hope Springs, 2010.


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#244698 - 08/15/08 11:44 AM Re: I don't love my mom.... is that so wrong? [Re: petercorbett]
BJK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/02/07
Posts: 1526
Originally Posted By: petercorbett
Hi Paul. My two cents worth, my mother also sexually,emotionally, physically & mentaly abusing me, along with a male friend of the family, plus total strangers. My problem has been solved for me she's DEAD. I always wished as a very young boy that she was dead. I don't ever remember a father around. No forgiving, no trying to understand why. All my abusers are DEAD, but I'm still suffering. (who won)?
Pete


Sounds to me like you're still fighting.

I also wished my mother dead as a boy, but I've learned as an adult that she has no bearing on my life whatsoever anymore. Part of my recovery has been breaking free from her completely. I could care less whether she lives or dies as long as she no longer has the opportunity to abuse another boy.

Bryan

_________________________
Revenge is nothing more than another way of perpetuating abuse.

What the world needs now
Is some new words of wisdom
Like la la la la la la la la la.
-David Lowery

Having a friend who will keep a secret for you is worthless compared to a friend who won't keep a secret from you.

Top
#244773 - 08/15/08 02:32 PM Re: I don't love my mom.... is that so wrong? [Re: BJK]
Abigale Offline


Registered: 07/16/08
Posts: 28
Loc: Northern NJ
I was listening to this song today and it makes me think of what us partners/spouses are going through.
Let me know your opinions

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lpqkIdzK2DE


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#244883 - 08/16/08 01:00 AM Re: I don't love my mom.... is that so wrong? [Re: JustScott]
pufferfish Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6875
Loc: USA
A few weeks ago there was a whole thread going on about the mom factor. It was started by Barkabus.

I contributed to that thread because my mom was a diffucult person.

This is a link to that thread.

http://www.malesurvivor.org/board/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=236250&page=0&fpart=1

Puffer



Edited by pufferfish (08/16/08 01:02 AM)

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#245440 - 08/18/08 07:30 PM Re: I don't love my mom.... is that so wrong? [Re: pufferfish]
Tinman Offline


Registered: 05/30/08
Posts: 359
Loc: Lake Forest, CA
There is something I should add here. I didn't think about it until reading the response that asked if I had told my mother what I wanted.

My mom once told me, when she was drunk as usual, "He didn't marry me. He married YOU!"

When she initially said it, I was not in recovery at all. When I finally started questioning it, I went back to her to ask her what she meant by that. She denied ever saying it. I asked her why she didn't leave him when she knew what was going on and she said that it only happened once (like HELL it did) and that he promised it would never happen again, so she forgave him like the "Good Christian woman I am. And you should too." She damn well knows I want an ancknowldgement of what happend and not just put it off to a one time aberration. And then try and make me the bad guy becuase I won't forgive him. I have tried twice more to talk to her about it and her response both times was that she put it in God's hands and that was that.

_________________________
Tinman
"I finally have my heart!"

To the perps: Don't worry about me coming after you. But you damn well better watch out for God! "Vengeance is mine", saith the Lord

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#245442 - 08/18/08 07:40 PM Re: I don't love my mom.... is that so wrong? [Re: petercorbett]
Faith4Hope2Love Offline


Registered: 08/18/08
Posts: 2
Loc: New York City
I hear what you mean. No one wins in these cycles of abuse. What matters is that we're speaking out as survivors. I almost lost my life to the childhood sexual abuse I suffered, and I've written extensively about it as a coping skill. I hope that my writing continues to break the cycles of violence and abuse in our societies. Keep writing, talking, emailing, because we as survivors have the ability to communicate that we have survived!


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#245624 - 08/19/08 07:21 PM Re: I don't love my mom.... is that so wrong? [Re: JustScott]
Kamilin Offline


Registered: 08/18/08
Posts: 12
Loc: Colombia
it hurts when you are not a part of it, when you don`t and can`t enjoy it because it goes againts you. it pains to be confused for something you are not and then suffer for it.

some are and some are not since the beginning. it`s the adult/abuser`s fault to fail in seing this working life principle and to appply it to a being who doesn`t share it.

not everyone is affected by these experiences, human beings are unpredictable.

_________________________
Kamilin

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#245907 - 08/20/08 07:16 PM Re: I don't love my mom.... is that so wrong? [Re: Kamilin]
Tinman Offline


Registered: 05/30/08
Posts: 359
Loc: Lake Forest, CA
Kamilin, I am not sure what to make of what you are saying. Since the words don't always convey the true intent, could you clarify?

Becuase if you mean that she knew but wasn't participating in the abuse, I would have to disagree. An enabler is as guilty as a perp in my book.

The refusal to view her part in this is what hurts me the most. Because it says to me that though I continue to suffer for it, she goes on the way she always has: Not lifiting one finger to help the child who so desparately needs her to be there.

I could be reading it wrong and, if so, I apologize in advance.

_________________________
Tinman
"I finally have my heart!"

To the perps: Don't worry about me coming after you. But you damn well better watch out for God! "Vengeance is mine", saith the Lord

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