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#244375 - 08/13/08 09:06 PM I don't love my mom.... is that so wrong?
Tinman Offline


Registered: 05/30/08
Posts: 359
Loc: Lake Forest, CA
I thought I would post this here to get feedback not just from survivors, but from family people. I am grateful that non-survivors don't post in "our" area, but I am grateful that you support us. So here goes.

I don't love my mom. I don't even like her. I have been angry with her for years. Because she knew what was happening to me and didn't lift a finger to stop it. Despite being slapped around by the asshole who molested me and being constantly belittled, she had to have "her man."

I have had some people in my SIA group tell me that it isn't her fault what happened to me. Well, maybe not, but she could have stopped it. She could have taken me away the first time she saw him do it. She didn't.

I view her as just as guilty as him. Maybe more so. Because he was a sick f*** but she didn't have that excuse.

I don't talk to her. She has tried to connect with me, but I want nothing to do with her until she apologizes for what she let happen. And I mean really apologize. I want her to realize what she let her little boy go through. I want her to take responsibility for her part in it. Until then, she can go to hell in my book.

Do you think I am wrong? Should I just suck it up and realize she had issues of her own?

Thanks,

Paul

_________________________
Tinman
"I finally have my heart!"

To the perps: Don't worry about me coming after you. But you damn well better watch out for God! "Vengeance is mine", saith the Lord

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#244383 - 08/13/08 09:17 PM Re: I don't love my mom.... is that so wrong? [Re: Tinman]
Junefriday Offline


Registered: 06/05/08
Posts: 113
Loc: Canada
Hi Paul,

No, I do not think you are wrong. Parents are supposed to protect their children. Period.

Sometimes things do happen that are beyond their control, but it sounds like your mother had a choice...she just chose the wrong one.

What would "really apologize" look like to you? Does she know?

While I don't think you should just "suck it up and realize she had issues of her own", I do think that you need to decide how much you are going to let this eat away at you. I can't imagine that it will be easy, but you need to find a way to put your dislike for your mother aside and not let her or the molester continue to affect your life the way they do.

Of course, I don't have the slightest clue exactly how you would do that.... \:\)

_________________________
"Love comes to those who still hope even though they've been disappointed, to those who still believe even though they've been betrayed, to those who still love even though they've been hurt before.

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#244389 - 08/13/08 09:29 PM Re: I don't love my mom.... is that so wrong? [Re: Tinman]
BJK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/02/07
Posts: 1526
Well, Paul, I totally empathize with your plight. You are absolutely right. Your mother is every bit as guilty as your perp is. It is her fault, and anyone who would ever tell you otherwise is full of it.

However, you must also realize that you cannot control her reaction to this. She may never realize it is her fault, and you can't make her apologize. At the same time, she might be full of guilt for it but too ashamed of her own inability to escape her abuse to take responsibility for it. I think it is important for you to work towards closing off this gaping wound and dealing with the pain it is causing you. That may mean you have to forgive her, but keep in mind that forgiving her doesn't necessarily mean that you have to talk to her.

Bryan

_________________________
Revenge is nothing more than another way of perpetuating abuse.

What the world needs now
Is some new words of wisdom
Like la la la la la la la la la.
-David Lowery

Having a friend who will keep a secret for you is worthless compared to a friend who won't keep a secret from you.

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#244424 - 08/14/08 12:34 AM Re: I don't love my mom.... is that so wrong? [Re: BJK]
dgoods Offline
Guest

Registered: 10/15/07
Posts: 622
Loc: Richmond area
Hi Paul-
It's funny; i have a fairly good understanding of where my parents came from, what might have driven them to make the decisions they did, and know that it's perfectly possible for someone to become a parent w/o having a record of brilliant decision-making... but there's still part of me that's cold and angry. Intellectually knowing that all parents are people too, with their own histories and issues, does not mean that you should just "suck it up".

You feel how you feel for a reason; for example, when my father would lose his temper, i was helpless to stop it- and that feeling of knowing something is very wrong, but being unable to stop it yourself, or enlist any help to stop it from happening again, leaves a lot of cold fury that doesn't get magically whisked away by a knowledgeable adult perspective... at least not for me. We were certainly entitled to our outrage and pain then, and there's no rule that says once we accept the possibilty of an idea into our heads, our hearts will immediately accept and embrace it too.

We know what it's like to have our needs ignored, dismissed, or made secondary- no one should be surprised if we tend to get a little fierce when it comes to getting messages today that remind us of that, however well-intentioned. There's no set timetable for acceptance or forgiveness; i wouldn't be surprised if any effort by your mother to contact you simply pisses you off all over again, maybe prompting thoughts of "She STILL doesn't get it!"

I'm sure your mother didn't deliberately set out to become a bad parent; but that doesn't mean you're bad or wrong to feel as you do. Sometimes i feel the best all of us can do, is know ourselves as well as possible; we will never teach the same horrible lessons we learned. At least in this day, there are places like this, where we can share and understand what's happened to us. You won't hear any "Yeah, but..."s from me- i'm just glad you could post this, and keep the honesty and communication going!

_________________________
Give sorrow words: the grief that does not speak
Whispers the o'er-fraught heart and bids it break.

-William Shakespeare, Macbeth, Act IV, Sc. III

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#244542 - 08/14/08 03:32 PM Re: I don't love my mom.... is that so wrong? [Re: dgoods]
dangal Offline
New Here

Registered: 02/09/08
Posts: 222
Loc: seattle area
I read something in Lew's book that I always hold onto and remind my husband of when he tries so hard to blame himself for his abuse....

"Children have a right to care and protection. This right is absolute."

Later in the book he touches on this again. "While ignorance, fear, confusion, and apathy are explantions for inaction they are not excuses. Adults have a responsibility to protect children from harm."

I'm sure none of these facts are news to you. I am writing as a validation.

You did nothing wrong, someone should have protected you and bless the lord you have every right to be mad and not want to deal with those who didn't help you.

I have a few hated folks in my world as well. I KNOW I'm not a bad person. I don't want to ever say hate and anger is a great way to live, however, it is what it is.

Good luck sir.

_________________________
~Jen~
Life is to short to blend in

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#244569 - 08/14/08 04:45 PM Re: I don't love my mom.... is that so wrong? [Re: dangal]
Trish4850 Offline
BoD Liaison Emeritus
MaleSurvivor<

Registered: 10/15/05
Posts: 3280
Loc: New Jersey
No Paul, you aren't wrong or bad. Your mother had a responsibility to you, her child, and SHE failed. Children have the right to love and protection from their parents. Parents do not have the same right from their children unless they are deserving of it.

It may be true that your mother was incapable of being a parent, in that case, pity her if you choose to do so, but pity does not obligate you to love or even like her.

ROCK ON........Trish

_________________________
If you fall down 10 times, Stand up 11.

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#244597 - 08/14/08 08:58 PM Re: I don't love my mom.... is that so wrong? [Re: Trish4850]
Tinman Offline


Registered: 05/30/08
Posts: 359
Loc: Lake Forest, CA
Thank you so much for the support.

There is one thing I think I should clarify. My mother admitted to me years ago that she let my step-father abuse me because she was "too weak to fight him." But she never apologized. And when I brought it up two years ago, she told me to leave the ghosts of the past in the past and refused to discuss it. Stormed out of my house.

Does it eat at me? No. I just don't want anything to do with her until she admits exactly what she did and apologizes.

Thank you to all of you who said I had a RIGHT to be protected from the monster that was in my house. I never looked at it that way before!

Paul

_________________________
Tinman
"I finally have my heart!"

To the perps: Don't worry about me coming after you. But you damn well better watch out for God! "Vengeance is mine", saith the Lord

Top
#244606 - 08/14/08 09:53 PM Re: I don't love my mom.... is that so wrong? [Re: Tinman]
BJK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/02/07
Posts: 1526
In her heart, your mother will probably always believe she was "too weak to fight him". There is probably never going to be anything you can do about that. You can't make people apologize. That's really too bad because you truly deserve better.

Bryan

_________________________
Revenge is nothing more than another way of perpetuating abuse.

What the world needs now
Is some new words of wisdom
Like la la la la la la la la la.
-David Lowery

Having a friend who will keep a secret for you is worthless compared to a friend who won't keep a secret from you.

Top
#244643 - 08/15/08 05:29 AM Re: I don't love my mom.... is that so wrong? [Re: BJK]
delta.tetra Offline
Member

Registered: 04/17/05
Posts: 108
Loc: Netherlands
I think it is completely normal that you don't love your mum, she should have done something to protect you and she didn't. She was useless and a failure as a human because she knew her own child was being abused and did nothing to stop it, while you relied on her to do just that! You to believed your mum would do her very best for you as her kid and she failed in her responsibility towards you. I call it betrayal. HOW on earth could you love someone who did that!?


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#244670 - 08/15/08 09:43 AM Re: I don't love my mom.... is that so wrong? [Re: delta.tetra]
JustScott Offline
Greeter Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/27/08
Posts: 2589
Both my parents failed to keep my safe. Failed to pay attention to their children by becoming so absorbed with their own stuff that we spent huge amounts of time alone on our own. I get angrier every day.

When I disclosed to my parents, I got a little sympathy, but then it became all about what my mom was going through at the time.....

WTF Ever.

You're not wrong for your feelings. It doesn't take too much strength to pick up a phone and make a phone call.


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