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#243887 - 08/11/08 11:15 AM Re: He thinks love is a feeling [Re: petercorbett]
JustScott Offline
Greeter Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/27/08
Posts: 2589
I can see that Peter. Really can. Weird thing for me though, is that I have HUGE trust issues with women. But with my wife, I'm far far better with her than other women. Now I've recognized that I have some "trust" issues with her, but I've also recognized that those issues come from me and not anything she has/hasn't done. So I'm working hard to tear down those issues so they won't continue to hinder my relationship with my wife. Still have issues with other women though.

Nice thing about programming.... it can be changed and updated! I'm working hard on mine!


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#244924 - 08/16/08 08:18 AM Re: He thinks love is a feeling [Re: JustScott]
petercorbett Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/27/08
Posts: 2451
Loc: TEXAS
Hi to all on these 5 pages. I am in the mist of love is a feeling isues. I have said in the last week or so on other pages that I would never tell my wife even on my last breath, as she would never understand. Now I've had only 1 therapy sessions and for some reason he focused on my relationship with my wife. And in retrospect it was crappy (from me to her) at best. I've always showed huge emotional feelings to my son and his two boys. Always telling them that I love them, hugs and kisses.But I have been selfish to my wife. I haden't showed her much in the way of emotional feelings, hugs kisses, I love you, etc. But this coming Tuesday is her (71) birthday, and I asked her this morning what she wanted for her birthday, and she told me YOU. Well now, supposedly when we choose to marry we are supposed to become one, but its been with (me 1/2). Like someone here uses the name damagedgoods, well that's what she got 35 years ago. Maybe it's time for this boy inside to give her my ALL. I know that there are huge risks involved. I told her that I would give her an answer by tomorrow PM. any help out there? I know the final decision is up to me. But perhaps most of you have dealt with this. I welcome any and all perspectives. Heal well my friends.
Pete
Pete

_________________________
Working Boys' Home 10-14 yrs old, grades 5-8. 1949-1953
____________________________________________________________
A very humble alumni of the WOR Dahlonega, GA.
May 15-17 2009, Alta, Sep. 2009. Sequoia, 2010.
Hope Springs, 2010.


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#244944 - 08/16/08 09:54 AM Re: He thinks love is a feeling [Re: petercorbett]
BJK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/02/07
Posts: 1526
Well, Pete, I think the most important question is easy to figure out. Do you love your wife?

That is where your thoughts need to lie, I think. Because if you do love your wife, then tell her so! Can you imagine a better birthday present for her than the simple words... "Honey, I really appreciate the fact that you'ves tuck by me for the past 35 years. I want you to know tonight that I love you, I have always loved you, and I always will love you even though I'm not very good at showing it sometimes."

But if your answer is that you don't love your wife, then you have to ask yourself why you stuck with her for the last 35 years. What exactly is it that you do feel for her? Can you change that feeling into love?

No one ever said that any of this would be easy, but I have to offer a congratulations on 35 years of marriage. Let's hope that the next 35 are more fruitful than the first 35.

Bryan

_________________________
Revenge is nothing more than another way of perpetuating abuse.

What the world needs now
Is some new words of wisdom
Like la la la la la la la la la.
-David Lowery

Having a friend who will keep a secret for you is worthless compared to a friend who won't keep a secret from you.

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#244955 - 08/16/08 10:34 AM Re: He thinks love is a feeling [Re: BJK]
petercorbett Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/27/08
Posts: 2451
Loc: TEXAS
Hi, BJK. I do love her, and you have given me the best possible help. I'll go for it. I want a better next 35 years. Many thanks for all of your considerate help. Heal well my friend.
pete

_________________________
Working Boys' Home 10-14 yrs old, grades 5-8. 1949-1953
____________________________________________________________
A very humble alumni of the WOR Dahlonega, GA.
May 15-17 2009, Alta, Sep. 2009. Sequoia, 2010.
Hope Springs, 2010.


Top
#244971 - 08/16/08 11:30 AM Re: He thinks love is a feeling [Re: petercorbett]
Junefriday Offline


Registered: 06/05/08
Posts: 113
Loc: Canada
Pete, knowing that the person you love loves you back is an amazing feeling. It has incredible power and can make you feel as though you can accomplish anything. Your wife is stronger than you think - to have stuck by you for 35 years without hearing those magic words...that takes incredible strength, self confidence and yes, love.

Maybe you don't need to tell her about your trauma just yet. Do what Bryan suggested above - find it in yourself to tell her you love her and have always loved her, but have a hard time showing it and saying it. That might be enough for her right now.

Take it from someone who doesn't hear those words anymore - they mean more than you can ever know.

_________________________
"Love comes to those who still hope even though they've been disappointed, to those who still believe even though they've been betrayed, to those who still love even though they've been hurt before.

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#245068 - 08/16/08 07:08 PM Re: He thinks love is a feeling [Re: Junefriday]
Liv2124 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 08/02/06
Posts: 159
Loc: New Jersey
Brokenhearted,
Again, (disclaimer) being in hospice/dnr mode...
Love IS a feeling. But trying to explain what a "feeling" is, to someone who doesn't actually "feel" them, is like having someone speaking a language you don't understand, standing in front of you and asking for directions. As much as you want to help "convey", you can't. You cannot make anyone feel anything, nor can you "clarify" for anyone, what it is they are feeling. As human beings, we have limitations. This is true, sadly, even when the foundation is based on truth.
I agree with you on all the "deserving better" comments, because these are based on effects from the abuse, which, in my opinion, make them worthless. They HAVE to be addressed, but they have no real credibility in the big picture. This belief he has is based on fear.
Always,
Liv


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#245344 - 08/18/08 09:03 AM Re: He thinks love is a feeling [Re: Liv2124]
petercorbett Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/27/08
Posts: 2451
Loc: TEXAS
Hi all, it's that guy in his "Golden Years" again. Well I told her about (part) of my secret yesterday. So she had a night to digest the information. Today at lunch she aske me why I didn't tell her when we got married. I told her that it was still buried deep into my brain and soul, and until these last few months and speficaly the last 3 weeks it has come back to me with a vengence. So I then said Ok you wanted ME for your birthday so here's more the real meat of the problem. Well I didn't get the responce that I had expected, like wow, now I understand where you have been coming from, emotionaly towards to me. Nope. Like a hug and kiss showing that I now understand. Nothing, she is now watching a "love" story soap opera on TV. So maybe it's PAYBACK time towards me.
Pete

_________________________
Working Boys' Home 10-14 yrs old, grades 5-8. 1949-1953
____________________________________________________________
A very humble alumni of the WOR Dahlonega, GA.
May 15-17 2009, Alta, Sep. 2009. Sequoia, 2010.
Hope Springs, 2010.


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#245352 - 08/18/08 09:47 AM Re: He thinks love is a feeling [Re: petercorbett]
Junefriday Offline


Registered: 06/05/08
Posts: 113
Loc: Canada
Pete, hearing something like that is a shock. I am sure she suspected something but may not know how to deal with it. Give her time. She didn't write you off over 35 years, please don't do that to her.

Congratulations by the way on taking this step. It is a big decision and regardless of the outcome, you should be proud of yourself.

_________________________
"Love comes to those who still hope even though they've been disappointed, to those who still believe even though they've been betrayed, to those who still love even though they've been hurt before.

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#251831 - 09/29/08 01:33 PM Re: He thinks love is a feeling [Re: Junefriday]
petercorbett Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/27/08
Posts: 2451
Loc: TEXAS
Hi, Junefriday, well after we had a together therapy session together, and the last three weeks apart (I went to the USA) and she had time to digest my secret, and to try and understand my lack of emotions to her, my emotions toward her more than likely stem from the sexual abuse upon me by my mother, she killed my emotions in the deepset part of my mind and soul. However the primary CSA abuser was a friend of the family (male) and at times he had me and a small girl together in a phone booth rubbbing us into his crotch, feeling us up, and then rubbing me and the girl together, then we went to the cellar, and I really can't recall at this time if we all had done something sexual together. More emotional death. I didn't experience the emotional early teen years with girls, petting, etc. I had my first sexual encounter with a lady who was twice my age, I was 27 at the time, she taught me everything sexual, but there was no emotional attachment. Then 3 years later I met the lady who is my wife of 36 yrs at our therapy session together, I told her that when she married me and we stayed together for the last 36 yrs she got the only emotions that I knew. It wasn't right I now know, I and the boy inside will say goodby to those deep hurt emotions and say hello to my new emotional experiences with my wife, she now has an understanding just what I am going through, and I held her tight and told her that I am sorry for the lack of proper emotions toward her, we hugged and kissed, so I (we) are on our way, she will standby me, understand me and love me. Can't beat that.
Pete

_________________________
Working Boys' Home 10-14 yrs old, grades 5-8. 1949-1953
____________________________________________________________
A very humble alumni of the WOR Dahlonega, GA.
May 15-17 2009, Alta, Sep. 2009. Sequoia, 2010.
Hope Springs, 2010.


Top
#251832 - 09/29/08 01:34 PM Re: He thinks love is a feeling [Re: Junefriday]
petercorbett Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/27/08
Posts: 2451
Loc: TEXAS
Hi, Junefriday, well after we had a together therapy session together, and the last three weeks apart (I went to the USA) and she had time to digest my secret, and to try and understand my lack of emotions to her, my emotions toward her more than likely stem from the sexual abuse upon me by my mother, she killed my emotions in the deepset part of my mind and soul. However the primary CSA abuser was a friend of the family (male) and at times he had me and a small girl together in a phone booth rubbbing us into his crotch, feeling us up, and then rubbing me and the girl together, then we went to the cellar, and I really can't recall at this time if we all had done something sexual together. More emotional death. I didn't experience the emotional early teen years with girls, petting, etc. I had my first sexual encounter with a lady who was twice my age, I was 27 at the time, she taught me everything sexual, but there was no emotional attachment. Then 3 years later I met the lady who is my wife of 36 yrs at our therapy session together, I told her that when she married me and we stayed together for the last 36 yrs she got the only emotions that I knew. It wasn't right I now know, I and the boy inside will say goodby to those deep hurt emotions and say hello to my new emotional experiences with my wife, she now has an understanding just what I am going through, and I held her tight and told her that I am sorry for the lack of proper emotions toward her, we hugged and kissed, so I (we) are on our way, she will standby me, understand me and love me. Can't beat that.
Pete

_________________________
Working Boys' Home 10-14 yrs old, grades 5-8. 1949-1953
____________________________________________________________
A very humble alumni of the WOR Dahlonega, GA.
May 15-17 2009, Alta, Sep. 2009. Sequoia, 2010.
Hope Springs, 2010.


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