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#243833 - 08/10/08 10:57 PM i'm drunkk / desperate.....
thecoopstah Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/19/04
Posts: 589
Loc: massachusetts
i need help i'm csa survivor who had better get help and i am left with no options and i want help and i am a disabled vet who has been diagnosed with PTSD from a VA doctor...i am an alcoholic who CANNOT DRINK ALCOHOL.........

i'm numb right now,although lucid as to what could happen and what i could lose as a result of my inability to admit i need help otherwsie i could/ or will lose my freedom becauei am a lose cannon.

please i dont want to kepp typing and or "talking" about how i feel because i know ayhing possible when it comex to my lame excuse cop-out BS excuse to drink ............i hate the way i feel and i dont want to lose lisa my fiancee............it's been a rough road lately and i dont want to lose what i got.............i'm drinking as i think i mentioned im the previous paragraph..........therefore please help me to see it for what it is.,.....i'm out of control and if i dont re-gain the control of my life and thereby my drinking i could lose it ......all.....brian i need help......i just got off the phone with the pyshiatrist on call at the VA and she told me it sounds like you do in fact need help..........my meds i think need to be adjusted.....my wedding is coming up in september.......i dont want to lose all the good in my life especially lisa who loves me with every fiber of her being....but it means nothing if i am not willing to get help.....

_________________________
" You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have "

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#243837 - 08/10/08 11:25 PM Re: i'm drunkk / desperate..... [Re: thecoopstah]
Bewlayb1 Offline
Guest

Registered: 08/03/07
Posts: 243
Loc: NYC
Hi Coopstah,

Just calm down. When I get drunk, it either goes one of two ways, I get happy and goofy or I become miserable.

You say that Lisa loves you with every fiber of her being. That's definitely a reason to be happy. Don't worry about the stuff that's wrong. Think about what's going well. You're a strong person and you can overcome the obstacles in your life. You should probably go to sleep and you'll feel better in the morning.

You should look at this whenever you feel like drinking, to remind yourself that alcohol won't solve anything. But I drink pretty often too and I know what you're feeling.

Best wishes.


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#243838 - 08/10/08 11:54 PM Re: i'm drunkk / desperate..... [Re: Bewlayb1]
hogan_dawg Offline
Guest

Registered: 03/26/08
Posts: 492
Dump the booze Coop - keep the chick. You can get over this one. Sleep is probably a really good idea right now.

_________________________
I can say unequivocally that the lie of "To truly heal you must first forgive" has derailed more victims than the abusers themselves.
Andrew Vachs, 2003

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#243839 - 08/11/08 12:01 AM Re: i'm drunkk / desperate..... [Re: Bewlayb1]
LN3(SS) Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/20/08
Posts: 486
Loc: MD
Coop,

It's sounding like you had to drink to prove to yourself that you couldn't do it anymore. That's OK. Some of us have been there, done that, and got the T-shirt.

You KNOW that Lisa loves you. What is so overpowering about the wrong stuff that you are forgetting about all the pride that I've seen in your posts of late?

When you log on tomorrow and read this thread, consider a quick appt. with the shrink and maybe a pre>
_________________________
"When we go into battle, I will be the first to set foot on the field, and I will be the last to step off, and I will leave no one behind. Dead, or alive, we will all come home together." LTG Hal Moore, Jr., USA (Ret.)

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#243840 - 08/11/08 12:10 AM Re: i'm drunkk / desperate..... [Re: hogan_dawg]
Trucker51 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/20/08
Posts: 2826
Loc: Denver, CO
Try the treatment center Hazelden, out of MN, at 800-257-7800. They have a 57 year long history of treating alcoholics and have also treated male survivors for the last 11 years. They may be able to get you in touch with one of their grads in your area, and on occasion also donate treatment services. Mic Hunter currently works with them in St. Paul.

How much have you been drinking lately? What drugs are you taking and what are their side-effects, especially mixed with alcohol? I know how badly you want your marriage to work out and how much that it would hurt to loose this opportunity. You have got to do whatever it takes to get away from your drinking and the destruction caused by it.

Have hope, my man. As Hogan said: Get some sleep and try what I said in the morning. You can succeed if you keep trying.

Mark

_________________________
"We stay here, we die here. We've got to keep moving". Trucker Mark



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#243841 - 08/11/08 12:14 AM Re: i'm drunkk / desperate..... [Re: thecoopstah]
TerryMalloy Offline
New Here

Registered: 07/29/07
Posts: 6
Coop,
Hang in there. You have a good woman who loves you, and you're a good man.


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#243845 - 08/11/08 12:29 AM Re: i'm drunkk / desperate..... [Re: TerryMalloy]
thecoopstah Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/19/04
Posts: 589
Loc: massachusetts
i dont know what i believe anymore.......lisa loves me .....but how much of my fuckin shit can she take..........before she hits the streets to a beeter life i know someone else can offer her..........

_________________________
" You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have "

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#243847 - 08/11/08 12:42 AM Re: i'm drunkk / desperate..... [Re: thecoopstah]
Trucker51 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/20/08
Posts: 2826
Loc: Denver, CO
Calm down, get some sleep, try to repair the damage in the morning. You have a lot of stress going on, and a lot of us don't have the best coping skills. For you it is drinking, for me it was drinking, pot, and cocaine. Under the influence we do unethical and unfortunate things, and then we hate ourselves afterwards. Like I said, give them a call in the morning. If the wedding is still on, your fiance is still hoping that it will work out. In order to keep it that way, you are going to have to take control of yourself and make things right with her and with yourself, if you want to give you and you fiance the best chance of a long future together.

Call Hazelden. They would love to try to help you.

Have hope.

Mark

_________________________
"We stay here, we die here. We've got to keep moving". Trucker Mark



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#243873 - 08/11/08 10:14 AM Re: i'm drunkk / desperate..... [Re: thecoopstah]
Sans Logos Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/31/03
Posts: 5791
Loc: in my own world in pittsburgh,...
coop,

i apologize in advance for what may seem to be a belief that goes against the tide of modern day theories around the subject of alcoholism. this is my truth and while it may collide with popular opinion, i have not arrived at it by accident.

i spent 23 years 'in recovery' not using drugs and alcohol, but just switched them up with other things: over achieving, food blah blah blah, you name it, if i liked it, it possessed me. my reasons for the obsessive compulsive behavior were unique to my own egoic constitution. however, because of the moral stigma against use of alcohol as a medicator, i bought into the notion that as long as i didn't drink i was 'acceptable'. i was 'ok'. i was 'healthy'. i was 'respectable'.

what i found out for myself was that in getting off the merry-go-round of obsessive compulsive drinking patterns, that my life stopped spinning in the short term, but in the long term i was able to have a clear enough head to eventually sort out the issues that led me to continue to get sucked into the vortex of obsessive compulsive behavior.

i think that was a good thing, and necessary for my life. however, for today i don't necessarily think that choosing to abstain is the most efficient and effective path to psychic balance. what interrupting the drinking pattern did for me, at best, was to inhibit the downward spiral that accompanied the obsessive-compulsive behaviors that were part and parcel of my life at the time. at worst, abstaining re-enforced a stereotype in my mind, and caused me to label myself and others which led to a polarizing mindset that saw it as a black and white issue, leaving little space for investigative conjecture that might have led me to the same point of arrival, but thru a different route. well, it is what it is or it was what it was, as the case may be.

why i am writing this, is because it seems that you are so focused on the guilt and shame of drinking, that i think you are barking up the wrong tree, so to speak. it is so much easier to allow yourself to fall into the trap of emotions which cause you to focus on how weak and worthless and condemned you are because you failed to control your habit, than it is to just stand back and objectively notice the situation without assigning any reaction to it or rushing around anxiously trying to escape it as if your pants were on fire. the senate in your head screams all accusations so loudly, and points finger so viciously that it is almost impossible to stop for a moment and take stock of what is actually happening.

to summarize, like others have suggest coop, calm down. take step one over again, and again and again. but don't try to manage the problem using your own head.

i have read your story and with all you have been through, it's no wonder you want to run away from the strong feelings that must be ever present in you. i don't think your use of alcohol is a attempt to slowly end your life. i think you are so far beyond that because you have so much to live for. it is just that you are feeling right now that you are not worthy of it. looking at your abuse history, it makes sense that you would hold that viewpoint.

but let me tell you, you have so much heart. that is so apparent here. you have so much unselfish love and concern for others. the world needs that. why muck it up with all these negative messages? they are just ideas that somehow have taken hold in your mind. they grew out of other ideas that do not serve you highest and best interests. do you really need them?

it's ok to enjoy a drink, the same way you enjoy a home cooked meal? you know when you can't fit in another bite and you stop. or you don't stop and you puke, and you wake up with a food hang over. but do you weep and wail and gnash your teeth over that? no you just look at and say next time, maybe that was not the best course of action. it inhibited my ability to function at my most efficient level the next day. i might want to think about stopping sooner.

i know, to some that might seem like an over-simplification of a really really really complex issue? yep, it is. but what if it were possible to move forward using that mentality? what if simplifyng it demystified it in terms of the power we assign it in our lives? in reframing the whole question we can weaken the tendrils of guilt shame and self-loathing that suck you back into that emotional vortex. what if just to notice it objectively were enough action to take, and then to trust that that which saved you from the worst of your life, is ready willing and able to bring you out of this, as well, without all the drama of self-revictimization?

but how can it, as long as you keep running back to the comfort of the safe familiar arms of predictability? trying to get different results using the same solution won't cut it, as you know. all i am suggesting here, is that perhaps it is time to take the focus off of what you believe to be the problem [ie ' i'm a miserable alcoholic'] and place it on the fact that the feelings hurt and want to be avoided rather than accdepted, confronted, lived with, made peace with.

it is so easy to turn back to drinking because you know that with the next episode, you can delay the inevitable just one more day, hour, moment.

but then there is always the same challenge the next time [which is really another 'right now']. and the result is always going to be the same.

so let's ask a question? what is triggering the excessive drinking episodes? could it be the tremendous challenge that lies ahead of you regarding your pending marriage? i mean, think about it! the alcohol is not the issue. the giving over control of your life to another person, now that would be enough to make an uninterrupted man want to head for the hills. but you, with your history of being totally controlled by others to such a degree that your life became a straight-jacket form which you could not escape; that would seem to be a good reason to panic. agreed? if that is it, and i am only speaking what is arising in my own mind, then put down the drink and deal with that first. then celebrate your newfound understanding with a walk in the park or a moonlight dance. hehe....naked maybe even.....hehe.

your brother in recovery,

ron

_________________________
  1. the past
  2. ReClaiming Now
  3. advocacy


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#244054 - 08/12/08 10:23 AM Re: i'm drunkk / desperate..... [Re: Sans Logos]
petercorbett Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/27/08
Posts: 2452
Loc: TEXAS
Hey Coop. From one retired military memember, and a graduate of AA, been sober 31 years, I can feel your pain, but no matter what we have been through, CSA. No matter what we may have seen on the battlefield, no matter how miserable our memories get to us, the one thing that I have learned from all of it is THAT WE CAN'T RUN AWAY FROM OURSELFS. Make your fiancee your higher power, make it now. You can do it, I DID and probably many others in male survivor have. Get with it man. I sure hope that you get some serenity and peace, you deserve it. Get with it.

_________________________
Working Boys' Home 10-14 yrs old, grades 5-8. 1949-1953
____________________________________________________________
A very humble alumni of the WOR Dahlonega, GA.
May 15-17 2009, Alta, Sep. 2009. Sequoia, 2010.
Hope Springs, 2010.


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#244057 - 08/12/08 10:30 AM Re: i'm drunkk / desperate..... [Re: petercorbett]
petercorbett Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/27/08
Posts: 2452
Loc: TEXAS
Hey Coop.
It's me again, one thing that I forgot to mention, and it's still very vivid in my mind, about being an alki. It's when I (we) are on our knees infront of that commode and all that green stuff starts to come out, it's our insides dying, but a friend of mine always told me that if you taste something hairy, grab it it's your asshole. I just wish that I had spent as much time on my knees praying as I did waiting for that hair to come out.
Pete

_________________________
Working Boys' Home 10-14 yrs old, grades 5-8. 1949-1953
____________________________________________________________
A very humble alumni of the WOR Dahlonega, GA.
May 15-17 2009, Alta, Sep. 2009. Sequoia, 2010.
Hope Springs, 2010.


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#244058 - 08/12/08 10:41 AM Re: i'm drunkk / desperate..... [Re: petercorbett]
DanM Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/09/07
Posts: 540
Loc: So. California
Coop,

It is obvious you are going through a very tough time in you life. I encourage you to get help with your drinking and the others things that are troubling you in your life. You are headed in the right direction..getting your life in order by getting help and getting married. Don't let these demons from the past continue to derail you and your recovery...stay on the train to happiness and freedom...don't be scared you can do it. You are a good man who deserves to be a happily married man!

Dan




Edited by DanM (08/12/08 10:42 AM)

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#244059 - 08/12/08 10:58 AM Re: i'm drunkk / desperate..... [Re: petercorbett]
hogan_dawg Offline
Guest

Registered: 03/26/08
Posts: 492
By the way Coop - you know, I remember with a kind of fondness those times in my life where I've been drunk and soppy and feeling all pathetic and sad. Sometimes booze brings us to those places and it's not a bad thing by itself. When we wake up the next day and a couple of days later we realize things aren't so bad, we realize the sadness was 'necessary' to feel - we 'needed' the booze in order to bring us to that place.

At least you know now that you want your woman and you don't want to lose her.

_________________________
I can say unequivocally that the lie of "To truly heal you must first forgive" has derailed more victims than the abusers themselves.
Andrew Vachs, 2003

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