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#242738 - 08/06/08 09:54 AM Stupid
LW1527 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/14/08
Posts: 408
Loc: Salt Lake City Ut
I look back to when I was 16 with my adult eyes and think how stupid I was to get involved with these jerks. I should have done something then. I should have gotten out before people got killed. My T told me that these perps would have been killed anyway and that it wasn't my fault. I go home, fall on the bed and roll over on my back. I can feel my wrists being tied and then hands. I roll back over and curl up like a ball. I've got this urge to start slashing my arms. It feels so rational like it's the right thing to do. Why am I writing this crap? I've got to pull this together. My mind can't wrap around this stuff. Why, why, why do men do this to kids? What's in it for them? I'm okay. Thanks for letting me vent here. I guess I'm getting stronger because I'm getting madder. But I don't know where to direct the anger to.

Lance


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#242789 - 08/06/08 03:55 PM Re: Stupid [Re: LW1527]
Trucker51 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/20/08
Posts: 2826
Loc: Denver, CO
Unfortunately, that is always how it is with hindsight. A lot of us would do something differently, given the chance. Back when you made those decisions, you were a 16 year-old kid with a long history of various abuse. Remember what we talked about before? Why you wanted to be accepted and part of a peer group, and with the abusive situation at home, you took actions based on or because of the various abuse. It is not your fault Lance. Given all that you have shared, your actions as a teenager were one of several normal ways to react to your ongoing abuse, and followed a fairly predictable path. What could you have done differently at 16 given your history? Nothing.

My guess is that the stuff involved with these last incidents was so overwhelming that your mind buried them. That is what PTSD is all about. Now you are recalling the issues because you are working toward control over the issues. And yes, anger is a part of the recovery process. This too will pass over time.

How about getting one of those squeeze balls? Over time using a squeeze ball will make your wrists and grip stronger too.

Have hope, my man. What you are experiencing replaying the events over & over in your mind is quite normal too.

Keep working on it. Someday you will have control over your memories and they won't affect you nearly as much.

Mark

_________________________
"We stay here, we die here. We've got to keep moving". Trucker Mark



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#243364 - 08/09/08 02:18 AM Re: Stupid [Re: Trucker51]
blueshift Offline
Guest

Registered: 01/21/08
Posts: 1242
Loc: infinity
Yeah, you weren't stupid man you were just young. I feel the same way though.."Ugh! I was so retarded!" but I was just a troubled kid. That's what u were 2.
Doug


_________________________
My Story
My Art

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#243366 - 08/09/08 02:39 AM Re: Stupid [Re: blueshift]
dgoods Offline
Guest

Registered: 10/15/07
Posts: 622
Loc: Richmond area
I remember clearly thinking when i was 11 going on 12 when the perp was grooming me "Just kick him in the balls if he tries anything" over and over.... but i never did. Hello Shame old friend. Gloomy Sunday indeed; but as those two guys above me have said so well, it wasn't EVER something you had control of then. At least now i'm starting to feel more fierce than accepting of what he did to me.

_________________________
Give sorrow words: the grief that does not speak
Whispers the o'er-fraught heart and bids it break.

-William Shakespeare, Macbeth, Act IV, Sc. III

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#243404 - 08/09/08 09:46 AM Re: Stupid [Re: LW1527]
Sans Logos Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/31/03
Posts: 5791
Loc: in my own world in pittsburgh,...
lance, what you 'should have done' back then does not matter.


what matters now is what you are doing today.

that's a whole lot more than maybe you realize. but just coming here and saying what you are saying as you need to express it, is the best way to take your life back little by little. moment by moment, it is truly yours again, not theirs, and it's no longer being lived in reaction to them. and that's not stupid brother. that is incredibly wise. it shows that you are cooperating with something that does not want to see you do further harm to yourself.

your life is truly yours today, and tomorrow if you choose to make it so.

your brother in recovery
[now get some rest! ]

_________________________
  1. the past
  2. ReClaiming Now
  3. advocacy


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#243409 - 08/09/08 10:30 AM Re: Stupid [Re: Sans Logos]
MagRaith Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/24/07
Posts: 69
Loc: Salt Lake City, UT
Lance

I know what you are thinking and feeling is something I still think and feel. It is very common among CSA survivors to feel this way in hindsight. I stress hindsight - there is a reason you did not think or feel that way when you were in the situation, and it was not stupidity at all. It was a child trying to deal with an adult situation, something you were not at all prepared for.

I still struggle in hindsight with why I didn't do something to protect myself when I was four, five or six. When I look at photos of myself at that age (see my avatar, three years old - a seasoned abuse victim at that age) common sense tells you that the small boy you see there could never have mentally or physically competed with 35 to 40 year old men. It's not just a physical abuse issue, it's also a huge mental issue. When I was 16 I was so programmed by the abuse and so messed up trying to figure out how to survive, I had no way to deal with the situation.

As Sans Logos says, "what you 'should have done' back then does not matter. what matters now is what you are doing today." You can't control the past, you only have control over what you do today. And I applaud your anger, its an integral part of taking the blame off yourself and putting it where it belongs - on the perp.

Give yourself a break, take care of yourself!

Kurt


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#243433 - 08/09/08 12:03 PM Re: Stupid [Re: MagRaith]
jggab Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/29/08
Posts: 53
Loc: California
Lance,
Thank you for sharing that. . . your post and the replies that have followed have been a great help to me. Thanks everybody for your replies. It's comforting to know I'm not the only one who has the same thoughts of "why didn't I do something", "why didn't I stand up for myself", "Why didn't I tell someone".

Thanks guys!!!!

Jon


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