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#242841 - 08/06/08 08:52 PM Letter of Forgiveness to my father
ObiWan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/10/08
Posts: 35
Loc: Florida, USA
Dear Ted,

I want you to know that I forgive you. It is sad, really, that you have never known me. You have never known who I am, and who I have become as a kind, loving, gifted, intelligent and chivalrous man among men.

You never knew me because you were never there. And when you were there, being with you was Hell.

You will never know the pain, the suffering, the loss, the terrible, terrible indifference I felt from you. Never having a father. Never having someone safe to love. Never learning how to be a man.

I forgive you, and I release you from the abuse. I forgive you because you had these terrible sick needs of your own to fulfill, and you used and abused me.

Did you think I was asleep in Canada that night? I was awake. And I remember.

It is tragic in a way that you, a very troubled young man met my mother, a very troubled woman, and that I and my sisters were the results of your follies.

What were you trying to prove, Teddy? And to whom?

Without you in my life, I have prospered. I am wealthy, successful, I have a loving wife and daughter, and most importantly, I have myself. A modern day knight, sans peur, et sans raproche. I am happy and fulfilled, loved by God, and I have learned to love myself.

So I forgive you, and I release you.

And I want you to know that this is the last time I will ever communicate with you for as long as you shall live.

Goodbye, Father, good luck, and may God give you exactly what you deserve.

Your Loving Son,

Jeff

_________________________
WOR Alumni Sequoia March 2008
WOR Alumni Alta Sept. 2008
My whole life has changed in the past year...
divorced, but have begun living again
and trying to thrive...


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#243029 - 08/07/08 05:42 PM Re: Letter of Forgiveness to my father [Re: ObiWan]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Jeff,

That's a powerful letter. I wonder how your father will react. Many abusers regret what they did, which is not to excuse anything they did.

But more importantly, has writing this letter helped you? Did you go through various drafts and revise it in any significant way? In short, did you get what you needed to get from doing this? That's the important thing.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#243044 - 08/07/08 06:47 PM Re: Letter of Forgiveness to my father [Re: ObiWan]
EGL Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 06/19/04
Posts: 7821
Hi Jeff,

I can really relate to this part of your letter to your father:

Originally Posted By: ObiWan
You will never know the...loss..., the terrible, terrible indifference I felt from you. Never having a father. Never having someone safe to love. Never learning how to be a man.


I'm really sorry for your loss, man, but am glad you were able to write this. Very powerful.

_________________________
Eddie

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#243091 - 08/07/08 11:01 PM Re: Letter of Forgiveness to my father [Re: roadrunner]
ObiWan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/10/08
Posts: 35
Loc: Florida, USA
Hi Larry,

That was my first and only draft. It sort of leaped out of me when I was ready to write it. Right from the heart.

To answer your questions, yes, writing this letter has helped me. I feel free. I feel a lot more self-empowered. And a bit bewildered about where my path will now lead me.

I needed to express that I forgive my father and that I am done with him. So yes, I got what I needed from this letter.

And I am pleased that I got to a place where I could write it. It is really funny, a month ago, I don't think you would have been able to convince me that I would EVER be ready to forgive him. But many things have changed in this past month, and not the least that I decided it was time to talk to God again. It had been a long, long time.

Thank you for writing,
Peace,

Jeff

_________________________
WOR Alumni Sequoia March 2008
WOR Alumni Alta Sept. 2008
My whole life has changed in the past year...
divorced, but have begun living again
and trying to thrive...


Top
#243093 - 08/07/08 11:05 PM Re: Letter of Forgiveness to my father [Re: EGL]
ObiWan Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/10/08
Posts: 35
Loc: Florida, USA
Hi Eddie,

Thanks for reading it and for commenting, too. The loss happened a long time ago. I am just at a point now in my life where I can forgive, and let it go.

I think it is, in some ways, easier to deal with hatred, even if you don't understand it, than indifference. And I finally figured out, he just didn't care. I simply didn't matter. I existed in his mind only to satisfy his needs. Sad, really, a tragedy. But I do think that that indifference made me feel like a non-entity, and a value-less, worthless non-entity at that. And so my greatest triumph really, is to express myself as the man that I am. Not in spite, simply to say I AM because I AM. And I may not matter to you, but I sure matter to me.

Thank you again for reading and commenting.

Cordially,

Jeff

_________________________
WOR Alumni Sequoia March 2008
WOR Alumni Alta Sept. 2008
My whole life has changed in the past year...
divorced, but have begun living again
and trying to thrive...


Top
#243139 - 08/08/08 08:09 AM Re: Letter of Forgiveness to my father [Re: ObiWan]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Jeff,

It amazes me that after all this time spent in recovery I am still discovering things that are enormously important. The true character of genuinely "letting go" is one of them.

Your posts on this, as well as Mike's and Rob's, are pressing me to revisit some of my old attitudes towards the abuser. I'm not sure where this will go, but I somehow feel it will be a safer better place to live in.

We all have to find our own way, of course, but seeing how others are handling this problem is giving me a lot to think about. Thanks for that, for for your strength n sharing these letter. I know it cannot have been easy.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

Top
#243212 - 08/08/08 01:39 PM Re: Letter of Forgiveness to my father [Re: roadrunner]
LW1527 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/14/08
Posts: 408
Loc: Salt Lake City Ut
Jeff - Awesome! You are an inspiration in your healing. Many of us struggle with this. The problem that many face is what is called premature forgiveness which is a form of denial. However, I am inspired by your letter. I sent one to my dad, a little while ago. He was dead, so I read it to my T. There is much healing in writing these letters. I hope more of us will do it.

Lance


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