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#242943 - 08/07/08 11:46 AM Effects of the abuse on our relationship
Junefriday Offline


Registered: 06/05/08
Posts: 113
Loc: Canada
Hi everyone,

I know that many of us partners have come to this site to better educate ourselves on what the men in our lives who have been abused are experiencing. Many of us have stayed active on this site because we find solace in the similarities in stories and the support we receive from others who have experienced the partner aspect.

I thought it would be helpful to start compiling a list of things that we've heard that seem to be common - all those times when while reading a post, we've thought, "my husband/boyfriend/significant other said/did the exact same thing!". I think this would reinforce that we are not alone in our experiences, but might also be a good thing to print off in cases where we've heard that the abuse was so long ago that how can it possibly still have a impact?

Here is what I have heard frequently:

-That his feelings for me have changed but yet he can't explain why or in what way.
-That he just wants his old life back.
-That I deserve more and he can't give that to me.
-That everything is MY fault, even things for which he is clearly accountable.
-That I am just like his mother, someone who he blames for allowing the abuse to happen.
-He says he doesn't want the relationship anymore but yet he is still around.
-He feels nothing. Things that once made him happy don't seem to have any effect on him at all.

_________________________
"Love comes to those who still hope even though they've been disappointed, to those who still believe even though they've been betrayed, to those who still love even though they've been hurt before.

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#243285 - 08/08/08 07:37 PM Re: Effects of the abuse on our relationship [Re: Junefriday]
NY Daisy Offline
New Here

Registered: 02/29/08
Posts: 183
June, you took all the good ones!! LOL I am going to think about this more, and answer at a later date.


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#243290 - 08/08/08 08:12 PM Re: Effects of the abuse on our relationship [Re: NY Daisy]
NY Daisy Offline
New Here

Registered: 02/29/08
Posts: 183
See June I am back already. How about this one.....


-they feel we are CONTROLLING THEM.

NYDAISY


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#243313 - 08/08/08 09:43 PM Re: Effects of the abuse on our relationship [Re: NY Daisy]
Junefriday Offline


Registered: 06/05/08
Posts: 113
Loc: Canada
Yes, they do feel that way.

_________________________
"Love comes to those who still hope even though they've been disappointed, to those who still believe even though they've been betrayed, to those who still love even though they've been hurt before.

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#243440 - 08/09/08 12:23 PM Re: Effects of the abuse on our relationship [Re: Junefriday]
NY Daisy Offline
New Here

Registered: 02/29/08
Posts: 183
Here's more................

-they can't feel emotionally connected to us

-they can't trust our love for them

-they don't believe they are worthy of anything good

- they just can't see what we see

-it's ok to be flawed, I'm flawed too!

-it's to hard to deal, so they push us away.

-after we have left, they wish we hadn't

These are it for now, I'm sure I'll think of more, NYDAISY


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#245259 - 08/17/08 08:09 PM Re: Effects of the abuse on our relationship [Re: NY Daisy]
chrty Offline
New Here

Registered: 04/12/08
Posts: 27
Loc: new york
Daisy and June
This might not be what your talking about but I might put my own spin on this.
he always says for me to stop acting like his mother. I always reply stop acting like my child.
Kind of ???

_________________________
if i had to do it all again i wouldn't

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#248603 - 09/08/08 08:21 AM Re: Effects of the abuse on our relationship [Re: chrty]
thumbelina23 Offline


Registered: 09/08/08
Posts: 5
Yes! They feel we are controlling THEM! Also, he has a hard time "letting me in". Maybe when we're married 30 years he'll finally admit he was abused, but for now, he's riding the denial train.


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#249431 - 09/13/08 08:38 PM Re: Effects of the abuse on our relationship [Re: Junefriday]
ChristineTrying Offline


Registered: 06/23/08
Posts: 36
How about "I just wish I was normal, that I could be normal for you (or whomever)"

What is normal?

After every 'misunderstanding' we have, it's always "I'm sorry baby, I wish I wasn't like this".


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#249550 - 09/14/08 05:51 PM Re: Effects of the abuse on our relationship [Re: ChristineTrying]
Brokenhearted Offline
Member

Registered: 08/07/06
Posts: 644
Loc: TX
It's a very painful thing to have my H of 16 yrs suddenly have a dead look in his eyes, feel nothing for me, and it's almost as though he has developed severe Alzheimer's b/c it's like he does not even feel sentimental or anything at all about all our memories together. I feel more alone than I've ever felt. It is as though my life is continual, and I have all the memories, but his life is like it starts again and again, with new clothing styles or new friends, or different attitudes, all the time. I am alone with my own life path, with my 16 yr marriage. He is numb. I am wishing I could get a lobotomy so I could live with this pain of having the closest person to me die right before my eyes, with their eyes open and his heart beating, and me desperately asking him, "Where did you go?" It is a horrifying nightmare.

_________________________
Brokenhearted

It were better for him that a millstone were hanged around his neck, and he cast into the sea, than that he should offend one of these little ones.
Luke 17:2

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#251549 - 09/27/08 10:33 PM Re: Effects of the abuse on our relationship [Re: Brokenhearted]
Marissa Offline


Registered: 05/06/08
Posts: 67
How about:

My abuse didn't really affect my life! It was only twice. I'm an adult, I should just get over it.


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