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#243725 - 08/10/08 11:23 AM Re: Can his guilt cause him to want a divorce? [Re: NY Daisy]
TerryMalloy Offline
New Here

Registered: 07/29/07
Posts: 6
Hi NY Daisy,
Thanks for the kind words, and I admire you and all the spouses on this board who fight so hard to preserve their marriages. It's a great thing, and worth fighting for.

It's not so easy to think about the next relationship. I met my wife when we were 16 (twenty years ago), and she remains everything to me. I wish I didn't have to have this learning experience with her. On her.


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#243911 - 08/11/08 01:11 PM Re: Can his guilt cause him to want a divorce? [Re: TerryMalloy]
dangal Offline
New Here

Registered: 02/09/08
Posts: 222
Loc: seattle area
TerryMallory,

Here's some insight on what kind of a hopeless romantic I am....can you go get her back??? \:\) Does she know how much she means to you still today? Does she know how sorry you are? Maybe it's not a possiblity but sometimes it's only hopeless because we don't think of it as an option in the first place.

_________________________
~Jen~
Life is to short to blend in

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#243922 - 08/11/08 02:28 PM Re: Can his guilt cause him to want a divorce? [Re: dangal]
Junefriday Offline


Registered: 06/05/08
Posts: 113
Loc: Canada
TerryMalloy, Further to what dangal has said, as partners, we are desperately searching for explanations for the behaviour that we are seeing, hoping to hear reasons to justify why the person we love treats us poorly at times, and longing to hear that we actually mean something to them. I know it is hard to tell her, but please find a way. Once you start talking, you'll likely be surprised at how relieved she will be and how happy she will be to finally understand WHY.

_________________________
"Love comes to those who still hope even though they've been disappointed, to those who still believe even though they've been betrayed, to those who still love even though they've been hurt before.

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#244020 - 08/12/08 01:43 AM Re: Can his guilt cause him to want a divorce? [Re: Abigale]
petercorbett Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/27/08
Posts: 2452
Loc: TEXAS
I'm not sure that this belongs on this page or not. But I need some understanding. It isn't about divorce, it's probably about killing my wife's love for me, and just why she has put up with my crap over these 35 years. First it was my alcohol abuse (trying to run away from my self) from the CSA, I tried to drown that BOY inside. Now for the last month I've been a terrible, irritable SOB, she has some serious medical problems of her own, and now I'm consumed with those terrible memories of CSA that were buried in the deepest part of my mind and soul. I had my first face to face encounter with my therapist last Friday, and during our session he asked me about my feelings toward my wife, so I told him that I cannot get these words out of my heart, I cannot and don't call her dear, nor honey. I cannot give her a hug and kiss and tell her that I love her. But I do everytime that I see our son (35) that I love him and give him a hug and a kiss. I also tell my (our) grandkids everytime that I love them and also give them hugs and kisses. I cannot hold hands with her when walking, I show no affection to her in public, but I do at times get choked up when I do see others giving each others kisses in public. So I can only imagine what must be going on in her mind right now, with my roller coaster mood swings, as I just can't distract my self from those CSA memories, it's too late, I can't run away from my self anymore. I know that she is hurting inside and she knows that there must be something wrong with me in the last few weeks. But she doesn't know about my CSA and never will. I was sexually abused by my mother and males. I was always a loner, nobody got too close, I was quick tempered and still are. But in my own way I do love her and she gave me a son. She is now 71 and has to deal with this BOY inside of a amn.
Pete

_________________________
Working Boys' Home 10-14 yrs old, grades 5-8. 1949-1953
____________________________________________________________
A very humble alumni of the WOR Dahlonega, GA.
May 15-17 2009, Alta, Sep. 2009. Sequoia, 2010.
Hope Springs, 2010.


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#244021 - 08/12/08 01:56 AM Re: Can his guilt cause him to want a divorce? [Re: petercorbett]
dangal Offline
New Here

Registered: 02/09/08
Posts: 222
Loc: seattle area
You have not told your wife is that correct? I know it's hard, but it may help her to know the truth. My marriage got much better when I understood, I was able to give him the support he needed and be his foundation while he's going through all of these emotions. He's been able to let me in more now. I'm very sorry you have had to deal with all of this. I wish you all the luck.

_________________________
~Jen~
Life is to short to blend in

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#244022 - 08/12/08 02:25 AM Re: Can his guilt cause him to want a divorce? [Re: dangal]
petercorbett Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/27/08
Posts: 2452
Loc: TEXAS
Hi dangal.
Well i've seen my wife's reaction to seeing my niece for the first time in 30+ years. She is suffering with CSA too. From her mother, brother & mothers boyfriends. Now my niece has been married twice, had a child from each, divorced twice, and during her recovery she had come to the realisation that she is a lesbian, and that she could no longer do what society thought was right and was expected. She wanted to be with someone who would not abuse her, beat the crap out of her, nor treat her kids wrong. I have always understood her, I have always loved her, for what she is. Now my wife's reaction to seeing her, well you could see that she didn't approve of either her looks (male) short haircut, she is very small and fragile looking, and having to listen to my wifes snide and cruel remarks. Oh yea my niece came with her 14 year old son, who just happens to LOVE the hell of his mother. So my wife will NEVER UNDERSTAND, and NEVER WILL be told my SECRET, not even on my last breath.

_________________________
Working Boys' Home 10-14 yrs old, grades 5-8. 1949-1953
____________________________________________________________
A very humble alumni of the WOR Dahlonega, GA.
May 15-17 2009, Alta, Sep. 2009. Sequoia, 2010.
Hope Springs, 2010.


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#244051 - 08/12/08 09:44 AM Re: Can his guilt cause him to want a divorce? [Re: petercorbett]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6602
Loc: FEMA Region 1
I'm sorry if this is diverting from the intent of this thread...written mostly in response to Petercorbett's post above.

We fear what others think or will think of us post-disclosure. We seek out signs that will help us predict the response if we do disclose. Here are some tid-bits that were etched into my mind from various sources through the years:

- He/She is better off dead than surviving that molestation.
- It turns them all gay ya know.
- Hey...some kids like it. They even say so.
- They are bound to molest others
- Keep him away from your son! (speaking of a CSAed boy I know)
- He's got a screw-loose
- Well...if they go back for more, then it sure as hell ain't molestation!!!
- He waited HOW long before he told???

So we are swimming in a pool filled with their perceptions. Why in God' name would we want to disclose? OR...Why would we even stay in the pool?

I stand by my belief (described in another post), Disclosure is a Mistake.

_________________________
I'm "that guy."

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#244168 - 08/12/08 10:24 PM Re: Can his guilt cause him to want a divorce? [Re: Still]
dangal Offline
New Here

Registered: 02/09/08
Posts: 222
Loc: seattle area
I'm sorry....

_________________________
~Jen~
Life is to short to blend in

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#244214 - 08/13/08 03:21 AM Re: Can his guilt cause him to want a divorce? [Re: Still]
petercorbett Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/27/08
Posts: 2452
Loc: TEXAS
Hi Robbie, well after mulling over your words, and you have nailed the very good reasons why not to. I liked (sometimes), I even instigated more of it (sometimes), and just why did this take so long to deal with? I thank you for your insight. Wish you well in your recovery.
Pete

_________________________
Working Boys' Home 10-14 yrs old, grades 5-8. 1949-1953
____________________________________________________________
A very humble alumni of the WOR Dahlonega, GA.
May 15-17 2009, Alta, Sep. 2009. Sequoia, 2010.
Hope Springs, 2010.


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#244358 - 08/13/08 08:25 PM Re: Can his guilt cause him to want a divorce? [Re: petercorbett]
dangal Offline
New Here

Registered: 02/09/08
Posts: 222
Loc: seattle area
I'm sorry that you do not have a safe place to fall Pete. It's not fair. Everyone should have support in the ones they love.

I wish you luck, again....always....

_________________________
~Jen~
Life is to short to blend in

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