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#243165 - 08/08/08 11:21 AM Re: Can his guilt cause him to want a divorce? [Re: JustScott]
JustScott Offline
Greeter Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/27/08
Posts: 2589
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Edited by JustScott (08/08/08 03:58 PM)

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#243194 - 08/08/08 01:01 PM Re: Can his guilt cause him to want a divorce? [Re: JustScott]
NY Daisy Offline
New Here

Registered: 02/29/08
Posts: 183
JustScott, maybe your wife does deserve better than you, but I bet she doesn't think so, otherwise she would be married to him right now. She picked and chose to love you. She knows the type of person you are. When we marry our vows include for better OR worse, I think it should say for better AND worse. We all bring things to the table it is how we deal with them that pushes us foward.

You chose your partner for a reason also. Try to sit down alone and think about all the reasons you chose her to share your life with. If you can look past all the problems on the table now, and remember all the love that brought you together, you can work it out. She will be much more supportive of you and your issues, if she feels that they are working toward the common goal of getting you two emeshed again, this time at a deeper level,you both will be much happier.

To do this you must push past your comfort zone, show your vulnerability to her, let her help you, and trust it will all work.

Warmly, NYDAISY


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#243197 - 08/08/08 01:03 PM Re: Can his guilt cause him to want a divorce? [Re: Junefriday]
NY Daisy Offline
New Here

Registered: 02/29/08
Posts: 183
Excellent Advice JuneFriday.


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#243245 - 08/08/08 03:15 PM Re: Can his guilt cause him to want a divorce? [Re: NY Daisy]
TerryMalloy Offline
New Here

Registered: 07/29/07
Posts: 6
Hi Brokenhearted,

I'm sorry for the sadness you feel right now -- and probably constantly. I applaud your efforts for fighting to save the marriage, and I hope for all of you it has a happy ending. I was on the other end of your situation about a year ago -- there were no infidelities, but it was a bad time. One year forward, and I am sadly divorced but lucky enough to have two children I love deeply and who bring me more happiness than I ever expected to get in this world. To my surprise, life does go on -- even if that feels like the downside sometimes -- but you can find some measure of happiness and contentment no matter what happens.

I don't know you or your husband, but I can tell you that sexual abuse really crushes a man's self-esteem, leaving him with a pervasive sense of guilt/shame and the constant feeling that he doesn't deserve good things in his life. I think what scared my wife away more than any revelation about the past or problem in the present ever could was how positive I was that a future with me would inevitably lead to sadness and pain for her. I'm pretty sure I was wrong about my prediction of the future, and your husband may one day feel that way too, but when you're in the belly of the beast you can't see things clearly.

I have no idea if this helps, but there's a Randy Newman song called 'Let Me Go' that pretty nicely summed up my feelings at the time. Maybe my wife could have done some things differently -- she wasn't as determined as you are to try to hold on to the marriage - but maybe there's nothing that she could've done. The lyrics are below:

Maybe I'll write you a letter, maybe I'll give you a call
Maybe I'll drop you a line when I'm feeling better
Maybe I won't after all

Somewhere a river is flowing, rolling on into the sea
Somewhere a flower is growing, that don't mean anything to me

Let me go, let me go, let me go
Don't give me the answer, cause I don't want to know
Just let my heart go on beating a little bit longer
I'm so young, so young

Don't pick me up if you think you see me falling
I've been waiting so long to fall
Don't come to me if you think you hear me calling
It won't be me that called

Let me go, let me go, let me go
Don't give me the answer, cause I don't want to know
Just let my heart go on beating a little bit longer
I'm so young, so young
***

I realize I haven't really offered any advice here, and for this I apologize. I hope you, your husband and your children find comfort and happiness, and that everything works for the best.


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#243317 - 08/08/08 09:56 PM Re: Can his guilt cause him to want a divorce? [Re: TerryMalloy]
Brokenhearted Offline
Member

Registered: 08/07/06
Posts: 644
Loc: TX
Little Miss -- I appreciate your feeling bad along w/ me ;-0
Isn't this the worst. It's interesting how your H is 'sure' he wants a divorce yet still says he doesn't know how it will turn out. Do you think he will be the one to file? I am curious b/c as much as my H talks about going our own ways, it is hard to imagine it really going all the way to divorce.

NY Daisy and JuneFriday -- I feel if I stop fighting for our marriage it will just end due to his own pathetic, shortsighted view of this. I really don't think he realizes what divorce means. He thinks it means we'd still see each other as often as we want, that he'd still see our D all the time too. No, it means separate lives. It means dating or remarrying others, it means our D having another family to blend in to, even though she'll always be his D. I wish I could just step aside and let him go through whatever, but he's so darn irritable these days. He comes home and gripes about everything, and everything is MY fault. I HAVE to fight back on this and tell him that no, it is not ME causing him such misery. I KNOW I need to pay attention to myself - I am - I'm enrolled in school, have high aims, etc., friends, hobbies, everything, but at the same time it is very hard to live and function knowing he might end our marriage and change our lives forever at any moment. And why??

Terry -- I'm sorry your marriage ended. Do you think if your wife were more determine that it work, that it may have survived?

Thank you for reminding me of the hopeless place he's probably in. I also know that depression can color everything in one's life and lead one to think that everything is crappy, even if it is not at all.

I've encouraged him to get him to get help if only for his depression. Our T that we used to go to separately a year ago said she really believes he may be bipolar too, which makes one very moody, very high, then very down, and impulsive.

I really just believe if he would only talk to someone by himself to make sure this is what he wants, it would be more convincing to me. His wanting to end our marriage just seems so irrational otherwise.

_________________________
Brokenhearted

It were better for him that a millstone were hanged around his neck, and he cast into the sea, than that he should offend one of these little ones.
Luke 17:2

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#243329 - 08/08/08 11:16 PM Re: Can his guilt cause him to want a divorce? [Re: Brokenhearted]
NY Daisy Offline
New Here

Registered: 02/29/08
Posts: 183
Brokenhearted,

don't get me wrong. I am not telling you to give up on your marriage, just stop fighting over it. You can point out to him till you are blue in the face your point of view, but he will not see it if all there is anger, on both parts. You are now feeding into his bad mood, and you are talking at each other, not with each other.

I used to to the same thing, till one day I realized it WAS NOT working. I was so set on that I was being hurt, I was not to blame for this, and why can't he just validate my feelings. Yes, I was hurt, could I move past it, I had to think about, yes I could. so I needed to let it go, that released my anger along with it. He blamed me for everything. In truth, I KNOW, and HE KNOWS this is just NOT true. He knows the pain he has caused, do I really have to keep reminding him. For me, NO. Last I wanted to be validated, but was I always validating him? Probably not. I was too angry for that.

I knew my behavior had to change also. I just don't let him get to me like that anymore. He tries, he really, really, tries sometimes, but I just do not feed into it. You can't argue with yourself. sometimes he will say something to pick an argument or something, and I will tell him "you know your right, I will try it that way next time." alot of times he will then say something like " you know, I guess it's ok, the way it is." ARE YOU SURE?

No argument. This is not to say that I don't get upset with him, he is just more open to talking to me now, because he doesn't feel he immediately has to be defensive, because I try to relate to his side no matter how hard it is sometimes to see. I always find some part of the dicussion that I can agree with,and then I validate it.

POSITIVE REINFORCEMENTS go along way for everyone, and since my attitude changed, so has his, for the better.

This has worked for me, you could try it. It certainly won't make matters worse, you are at the end of your rope, and want it to work out, at this point I would try anything.

Keep me posted, WARMLY,NYDAISY


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#243332 - 08/08/08 11:49 PM Re: Can his guilt cause him to want a divorce? [Re: NY Daisy]
Brokenhearted Offline
Member

Registered: 08/07/06
Posts: 644
Loc: TX
NY DAISY, you have some great points. My H is just so negative that if I were to agree with him would be so dumb. But I hear what you're saying, validating each other.... I will give that more of a try.

Or I could play Devil's Advocate and say things like, "You're right, we have absolutely nothing to be thankful for," or "You're right, our marriage is hell." But I know in my heart none of that is even true. But sometimes I just want to scream because his view of things is so negative.

I have always been a more positive person, always saw the silver lining. If there's a tablecloth on the table at a restaurant, it makes my day. I appreciate the little things. Someone said, "Don't forget to count the mint on your pillow." That's the way I've always been. Maybe he's just unable to appreciate all the little things.

_________________________
Brokenhearted

It were better for him that a millstone were hanged around his neck, and he cast into the sea, than that he should offend one of these little ones.
Luke 17:2

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#243336 - 08/09/08 12:29 AM Re: Can his guilt cause him to want a divorce? [Re: Brokenhearted]
NY Daisy Offline
New Here

Registered: 02/29/08
Posts: 183
some of the stuff that my h would say did not make much sense at all. I would be like "HUH????" I could not believe he was a grown man.

The thing is I would sometimes agree with some of these idiotic statements. It gets his attention. He takes on the weight of the world sometimes. If I calmly point out by agreeing with it, he usually start laughing,and call me an ass.( which we call each other, when we are being silly)

Don't lose sight of your positive attitude. It will help you through all this. Your H is going through a bad time right now, and he needs to figure it out, let him without losing you in the process.

I try to do small loving things for my spouse, especially when I am really mad. I'll leave him a note on the counter, before he leaves for work, I'll cut out an article he might like, leave him chocolates, whatever just something to promote a good feeling,when the bad ones seem to be taking over. He always calls me to thank me, or sometimes he will then return the favor by bringing me home something. It is small but it helps to keep a connection, when the connection seems all but impossible.

It is not easy, and it takes a conscience effort on my part, but the results have been so worth it, NYDAISY


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#243405 - 08/09/08 09:52 AM Re: Can his guilt cause him to want a divorce? [Re: Brokenhearted]
TerryMalloy Offline
New Here

Registered: 07/29/07
Posts: 6
Brokenhearted,
We might have saved our marriage if both of us had responded differently -- looking at it through the rear view mirror, I think a big problem was that I couldn't see anything good in myself. I felt to my core that I was a bad person. I guess I needed a lot of things, but most of all to hear from her that I was a good person -- that she saw goodness in me that I couldn't feel. But because she had been hurt by me -- I had been withdrawn for a few years, was dishonest with her about money, cold, depressed, etc. -- she wasn't really in a place to pick me up.

For you, and for other spouses in this situation, it must be very difficult. It requires a delicate balance: he needs to feel loved and validated that he is a good person, but he may also need a certain amount of space, time and distance. I don't know if anybody ever 'recovers,' but with therapy, love, time people can start putting pieces back together. What makes it hard sometimes is when the revelations come out right in the middle of an already difficult situation -- like troubles in a marriage. Things probably look bleak to him now, but maybe some time apart would help.

Thanks for the kind words, Brokenhearted. I wish it hadn't ended, but I think in a small way we have found some measure of peace. I hope you and your husband can save your marriage, and find some peace and contentment as well.


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#243450 - 08/09/08 12:47 PM Re: Can his guilt cause him to want a divorce? [Re: TerryMalloy]
NY Daisy Offline
New Here

Registered: 02/29/08
Posts: 183
TerryMalloy, I am sorry that your marriage didn't last. I hope you took it as a learning experience,and that you will be better able to handle your feelings in your next relationship.

good luck to you on your journey through recovery, NYDAISY



Edited by NY Daisy (08/09/08 12:48 PM)

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