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#242944 - 08/07/08 12:08 PM Re: Can his guilt cause him to want a divorce? [Re: Abigale]
Brokenhearted Offline
Member

Registered: 08/07/06
Posts: 644
Loc: TX
Last night he said he doesn't love me anymore. I told him love is a decision, not a feeling (or rather, in his case, lack of feeling). He thinks that's a bunch of bull.

His reason is that I deserve better. I told him it doesn't matter what he's done in the past, he belongs with me. He said I deserve so much better.

Looks like the end is near - it is his decision, not mine, but I cannot fight him forever on this. It is exhausting and hurtful. He repeated over again that it's not me, it's him... That his 'not loving' me has nothing to do with me! I got angry and told him I hope that one day he loves someone as much as I have loved him, and that the person does to him what he's doing to me, takes away his family life and future and says they don't love him anymore.

I have to get a job and pay off some of my own credit cards. Then I guess it's separate ways.

He still says, "Let's just take it one day at a time." And I thought I heart him mumble "....don't know what the hell I want," and, "I just need time and space....."

If only I could get him to go talk to someone first.

_________________________
Brokenhearted

It were better for him that a millstone were hanged around his neck, and he cast into the sea, than that he should offend one of these little ones.
Luke 17:2

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#242950 - 08/07/08 12:30 PM Re: Can his guilt cause him to want a divorce? [Re: Brokenhearted]
pufferfish Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6872
Loc: USA
Originally Posted By: Brokenhearted
Last night he said he doesn't love me anymore. I told him love is a decision, not a feeling (or rather, in his case, lack of feeling). He thinks that's a bunch of bull.
He repeated over again that it's not me, it's him... That his 'not loving' me has nothing to do with me! I got angry and told him I hope that one day he loves someone as much as I have loved him,
I heart him mumble "....don't know what the hell I want," and, "I just need time and space....."

If only I could get him to go talk to someone first.

Dear Brokenhearted,

This sounds so much like something my wife and I went through about 10 years ago. His words to you sound a lot like things that I said to her and now wish that I could have changec.

A man who is unwinding the effects of CSA in his life feels so full of the emotion of the abuse that he feels unable to love anybody. The flashbacks are quite compelling and difficult to deal with. But that will pass if the guy is able to unpack the emotions and feelings of the CSA.

Does he have a professional counselor or therapist? I have told my T that my wife needed someone who can explain to her what I was going through. I was not able to communicate this to her at the time. It seems that even the T was unable to deal with what you and I are discussing.

Then what happened is that my wife and I were separated for about a year. I took care of my sick mother in a distant state. This allowed both my wife and I to get our emotions together. I continued in counseling during that time and then when we got back together we were able to start rebuilding our relationship from that point. It worked.

If you can, avoid anger. Even get your own counselor to help you grow so that you aren't reacting to him. Remember that when a guy is unpacking his CSA he often feels like a little boy. He is not able to love, just as a little kid is not able to give unselfish love.

Guilt is part of the package of CSA that needs to be unpacked. I hope he has some help outside of yourself to help him with this.

Puffer


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#242958 - 08/07/08 12:40 PM Re: Can his guilt cause him to want a divorce? [Re: pufferfish]
Brokenhearted Offline
Member

Registered: 08/07/06
Posts: 644
Loc: TX
Gee, Puffer, your own situation almost gives me hope. Maybe we just need a long separation. I've been trying to get him to talk to someone by himself. I can't push him, you know.

I don't think he makes the connection of any of what he's going through, to his abuse. He links it to his real guilt about cheating on me. He's yet to make the intellectual connection to his abuse. I read that guilt can paralyze a person from feeling emotions, especially positive ones. Also PTSD can prevent a person from feeling loving toward loved ones. Many things he's said before do indicate he has some PTSD: "I don't feel anything...I don't trust anyone...etc."

I will hope for a separation first before the big D. I will esp. hope he will get himself a T. I have had one and they are a great help. Thanks for all your help, everyone.

_________________________
Brokenhearted

It were better for him that a millstone were hanged around his neck, and he cast into the sea, than that he should offend one of these little ones.
Luke 17:2

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#242963 - 08/07/08 12:54 PM Re: Can his guilt cause him to want a divorce? [Re: Brokenhearted]
Junefriday Offline


Registered: 06/05/08
Posts: 113
Loc: Canada
Does he know WHY he cheated on you?

_________________________
"Love comes to those who still hope even though they've been disappointed, to those who still believe even though they've been betrayed, to those who still love even though they've been hurt before.

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#242983 - 08/07/08 01:54 PM Re: Can his guilt cause him to want a divorce? [Re: Brokenhearted]
mike5 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/01/07
Posts: 170
Loc: Cleveland, OH
Originally Posted By: Brokenhearted
It seems to have started getting strange around the time we lost our first baby.


That sounds like a key point there - My wife and I lost three babies and it had a devastating effect on me and our relationship. To over simplify, I felt that I'd failed as a father and I tied the physical pain that my wife experienced to the deep spiritual/sexual connections of conceiving. Even though that doesn't make any rational sense, that is something I still struggle with letting go of. Even though I say it wasn't anyone's fault, I don't believe that. Inside I "know" it was my fault and that it was related to how "bad" I was/am for being abused as a boy. I wonder if your husband is having a hard time letting go of similar incorrect (but powerful!) thoughts?

Mike


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#243023 - 08/07/08 05:15 PM Re: Can his guilt cause him to want a divorce? [Re: mike5]
Brokenhearted Offline
Member

Registered: 08/07/06
Posts: 644
Loc: TX
Hmmm. June Friday, no, he does not know 'why' he cheated. When I'd ask he'd just say, "I don't know, maybe I couldn't get close to you so I cheated," " or, I don't know ,maybe I was looking for something I felt was missing..." Just vague answers. Incidentally he did not cheat just once, it seemed to start up a trend for him and he's done it many times since. He said he can control it, but he also says he'll probably go 2-3 more years and then end up cheating again, that he can't promise me he won't.

mike5, I'm so sorry for all the losses you and your wife have had. One is bad enough. I am sure it affected him because it is traumatic and he cried while it was going on. Maybe he had the fling to distance himself from me or something. But what matters is I think that really was about the starting point of all of this craziness. Thank you for your own views and I may try to ask him if he's had similar thoughts/feelings about our loss.

_________________________
Brokenhearted

It were better for him that a millstone were hanged around his neck, and he cast into the sea, than that he should offend one of these little ones.
Luke 17:2

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#243036 - 08/07/08 06:02 PM Re: Can his guilt cause him to want a divorce? [Re: Brokenhearted]
LittleMiss Offline


Registered: 07/02/08
Posts: 66
Loc: USA
Originally Posted By: Brokenhearted
He said I deserve so much better.

Looks like the end is near - it is his decision, not mine, but I cannot fight him forever on this. It is exhausting and hurtful. He repeated over again that it's not me, it's him...

I have to get a job and pay off some of my own credit cards. Then I guess it's separate ways.

He still says, "Let's just take it one day at a time." And I thought I heart him mumble "....don't know what the hell I want," and, "I just need time and space....."

If only I could get him to go talk to someone first.




Brokenhearted - I have written those exact words on this site. I read your story and it was like I was reading my story. The only difference is my husband didn't cheat (that I know of), though his overwhelming guilt is just because he "is a bad person".

I am finally moving out this weekend. I have been fighting this for 2 months now. I pray pray pray that all he needs is space. He has even been helping me move into my new place (so surreal, my friends think we are insane). He makes comments on how this is for the best, he'll still see me, its good that we each have "our own space". He says - "we don't know how this will turn out", but he is sure he wants a divorce. We may be together, but the "pressure" of marriage is too much.

I have no advice for you. I'm just winging this myself. This situation isn't of my making as yours is not of yours.

My husband won't talk to anyone either.

I just wanted you to know that I hear you and I 100% understand. I'm so sorry for your situation. It sounds like maybe you guys went through this before? How did it happen that he changed his mind that time? My husband did this before once also - though it was before we were married. I moved out for a while, and that seemed to help him settle down. Thats why I am praying it will work again. This time though - he really needs to seek help.

_________________________
LittleMiss

The woods are lovely, dark and deep. But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep, And miles to go before I sleep.

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#243043 - 08/07/08 06:28 PM Re: Can his guilt cause him to want a divorce? [Re: Abigale]
NY Daisy Offline
New Here

Registered: 02/29/08
Posts: 183
Brokenhearted, stop fighting him to make to make it work. Take the responsibility of it off you. focus on your needs, let him focus on his. Support him as much as he will let you, but don't let it consume you.

My H breaks down every couple of years, and I've found sometimes it is better to stay off the ride. Wait till it comes to a stop, then see if he still feels the same. Sometimes when the ride isover they start to see things differently, and you haven't pressured him into anything.

Warmly, NYDAISY


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#243160 - 08/08/08 10:48 AM Re: Can his guilt cause him to want a divorce? [Re: NY Daisy]
Junefriday Offline


Registered: 06/05/08
Posts: 113
Loc: Canada
Brokenhearted, NYDaisy is absolutely right - you need to stop fighting it. That does not mean that you agree, nor does it mean that you give up. It simply means that you are hearing him and know that you cannot fix it. Tell him that you love him, tell him why you think he is so wonderful and tell him that you want to continue to have him in your life. But, that you won't tolerate certain behaviour. Reassure him that you think that he can fight his demons and that you will support that endeavour. But, you cannot hold the sword for him nor will you allow yourself to be his target.

Codependency happens when one person takes a backseat thinking that they are helping. We all fall into that trap because we want to do whatever we can to help those we love. Your husband is definitely in that little boy stage but he needs to remember that despite how he feels, he is an adult now and he needs to take ownership of this as an adult would. You need to remind him of that. Running away is not going to make it better for you or for him.

_________________________
"Love comes to those who still hope even though they've been disappointed, to those who still believe even though they've been betrayed, to those who still love even though they've been hurt before.

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#243163 - 08/08/08 11:11 AM Re: Can his guilt cause him to want a divorce? [Re: Abigale]
JustScott Offline
Greeter Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/27/08
Posts: 2578
.



Edited by JustScott (08/08/08 03:58 PM)

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