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#242808 - 08/06/08 06:03 PM Can his guilt cause him to want a divorce?
Brokenhearted Offline
Member

Registered: 08/07/06
Posts: 644
Loc: TX
Hey survivors, please help me -

My H has started talking all over again about divorcing. He says he does not know why he is miserable, only he keeps telling me, "You deserve better...." Well, why he thinks I deserve something so wonderful as starting over as a single mom, I don't know.

Question: Can a person's own guilt cause him to be cruel to the one he wronged? I have forgive him totally long ago, but he still avoids me and can't seem to get past his own guilt.

Have you ever heard of a man being unfaithful and then divorcing his wife only because merely being near her 'reminded' him of his wrong against her? Must guilt be so destructive to both spouses?

I feel he is punishing me along with himself. He is hurtful, cold, avoidant, etc. He probably doesn't realize how much he hurts me at times.

I don't know what to do. Once again I am desperately trying to save my family.

Please help me understand this - I welcome any and all suggestions/insight/experiences, whatever.

_________________________
Brokenhearted

It were better for him that a millstone were hanged around his neck, and he cast into the sea, than that he should offend one of these little ones.
Luke 17:2

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#242813 - 08/06/08 06:35 PM Re: Can his guilt cause him to want a divorce? [Re: Brokenhearted]
Junefriday Offline


Registered: 06/05/08
Posts: 113
Loc: Canada
"He is hurtful, cold, avoidant, etc. He probably doesn't realize how much he hurts me at times."

I can't help you Brokenhearted. I am going through the same thing but don't have any answers. My husband is exactly what you describe above. His rationale though isn't that I deserve better, but rather than he doesn't love me. We've only been married a really short time so I don't know how it changed so quickly.

All I can say is that you probably won't get him to see how much he is hurting you. You have to find a way to either deal with it or to move on. It is possible that he is just thinking out loud but not really prepared to take action. Sometimes people say things that put themselves down because they want someone to build them back up again. I don't know.

_________________________
"Love comes to those who still hope even though they've been disappointed, to those who still believe even though they've been betrayed, to those who still love even though they've been hurt before.”

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#242814 - 08/06/08 06:47 PM Re: Can his guilt cause him to want a divorce? [Re: Junefriday]
Trucker51 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/20/08
Posts: 2826
Loc: Denver, CO
It may be more shame and it's effect on self-esteem than guilt. There is a good book called SELF-ESTEEM, that I recommended the other day, by Matthew McKay, PH.D. and Patrick Fanning, that I have found helpful. A man's self-esteem is so important to his success in relationships and in employment.

Have hope,

Mark



_________________________
"We stay here, we die here. We've got to keep moving". Trucker Mark



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#242817 - 08/06/08 06:58 PM Re: Can his guilt cause him to want a divorce? [Re: Trucker51]
KENKEN Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 09/25/07
Posts: 762
Loc: NOTHERN COLORADO
I can only say from my experience that I was tired of HURTING other people, family/friends/relationships. I felt and still do that the pain I cause myself, I can live with. But I just felt so bad/sad that because of the way I feel and because of my CSA, that others too had to suffer.

I so understand you want to save your family and that you probably still love your H. I don't know if you are seeking professional help, but I would strongly recommend it. As much as I did love my GF who did live with me until April, I am so much happier and content now that we both have "moved On". Now the only person I can hurt is myself.

It certainly does not help you with your question, it is just my thoughts on your subject.

Ken

_________________________
I AM A GOOD PERSON, I AM A GOOD MAN

From the Movie: Antwone Fisher

***WOR ALUMNI SEQUOIA MARCH 2008***

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#242835 - 08/06/08 08:34 PM Re: Can his guilt cause him to want a divorce? [Re: KENKEN]
Junefriday Offline


Registered: 06/05/08
Posts: 113
Loc: Canada
Sometimes though, if survivors would show that they know how much they are hurting us, it could make us feel better. Then again, it would likely give us false hope. And being the way we are, we'd want to stick it out and "help them get better". Truth is, only the survivor can control that.

_________________________
"Love comes to those who still hope even though they've been disappointed, to those who still believe even though they've been betrayed, to those who still love even though they've been hurt before.”

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#242859 - 08/06/08 09:47 PM Re: Can his guilt cause him to want a divorce? [Re: Junefriday]
Trish4850 Offline
BoD Liaison Emeritus
MaleSurvivor<

Registered: 10/15/05
Posts: 3280
Loc: New Jersey
BH,

Guilt is horribly destructive when misplaced. His guilt over what he did to you is not. Does that mean he can't work through it? No, it doesn't. I guess the problem arises because he isn't working through it. He's allowing it to confirm his already rotten feelings about himself which is blanketing you and not allowing your ability to forgive him to get through so he can forgive himself. I don't have the answers for you friend, but I feel your pain so clearly. Unfortunately you can't be the only one working to save your family, you can only save yourself and your daughter to create a different family if he won't help himself and work to keep it together.

ROCK ON.......Trish

_________________________
If you fall down 10 times, Stand up 11.

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#242871 - 08/06/08 10:36 PM Re: Can his guilt cause him to want a divorce? [Re: Brokenhearted]
Brokenhearted Offline
Member

Registered: 08/07/06
Posts: 644
Loc: TX
Thanks everyone for your words. Such a tough thing we're all going through.

I had written an email to my H just saying how I was feeling really bad and lonely and how it hurts that he tells our daughter 'I love you' and 'I miss you' and says nothing to me. It is so obvious and hurtful.

He wrote back:
"I'm sorry you feel this way. You how much I care for you. I realize that caring is different from loving someone. I just feel so detached from what we used to have. I do not know what to tell you - the only thing I really know today is that god gave us (our daughter's name) as our special gift. We both love her very much, I wish I could give you what you want, I'm sorry."

This is so hard for me b/c, then I start wondering, Is it the CSA? Is it the PTSD? Is it his guilt? OR DOES HE JUST NOT LOVE ME ANYMORE? I don't think he knows what love is - he told me that once. Why does he say caring and love are so different? Maybe he can't recognize love for what it is? I'm so sad and upset about this.

I'm fighting with him so hard to try to make this work. It seems to have started getting strange around the time we lost our first baby. Before then, for 9 years things were great according to us both. He can't even say why he feels the way he does. He keeps saying, "it's not you, it's me..." and "you deserve way better, that's all..." Argh, it makes me crazy!

_________________________
Brokenhearted

It were better for him that a millstone were hanged around his neck, and he cast into the sea, than that he should offend one of these little ones.
Luke 17:2

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#242874 - 08/06/08 10:38 PM Re: Can his guilt cause him to want a divorce? [Re: Brokenhearted]
Brokenhearted Offline
Member

Registered: 08/07/06
Posts: 644
Loc: TX
Ken,

Did you and your GF have any problems you could pinpoint? Because with us, it's like, there are no problems, but he just feels detached, he keeps saying he "can't get close to" me, even though he says he tries very hard.

I was just wondering if y'all had a perfectly good relationship otherwise.

_________________________
Brokenhearted

It were better for him that a millstone were hanged around his neck, and he cast into the sea, than that he should offend one of these little ones.
Luke 17:2

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#242880 - 08/06/08 11:17 PM Re: Can his guilt cause him to want a divorce? [Re: Brokenhearted]
WalkingSouth Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 16265
Originally Posted By: Brokenhearted
Question: Can a person's own guilt cause him to be cruel to the one he wronged? I have forgive him totally long ago, but he still avoids me and can't seem to get past his own guilt.

Absolutely it can. It can sometimes play a huge part in the way a person acts in my opinion. I wish it were different, but it's not.

_________________________
“Life’s journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting ‘Holy ____…! What a ride!’” ~Hunter S. Thompson

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#242932 - 08/07/08 10:07 AM Re: Can his guilt cause him to want a divorce? [Re: WalkingSouth]
Abigale Offline


Registered: 07/16/08
Posts: 28
Loc: Northern NJ
Gosh Broken
I didn't read your post I read your private message first. Just hang in there. We need to pull the strengh from deep within and get through this. I really don't think they know how much it hurts us. I read somewhere that if everyone they trusted hurt them, then they look at us that we are going to hurt them and leave them, so why not be the one in charge and hurt us and leave us. Its kind of like a mind game, they are not the ones being hurt they are the hurters.
I don't know if this makes any sence to you.
You are in my prayers.


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