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#242753 - 08/06/08 12:49 PM Asking for what I need...
JustScott Offline
Greeter Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/27/08
Posts: 2578
Why is it I can never ask for what I feel I need at any given time?

Anyone else have this problem?

Course I'm not even really sure what I need. Guess it would help if I knew, but even if I did, would I even be able to put it out there?

Most of the time I just feel like I'm being a whiney, needy little bitch and just wasting the worlds time and energy. Then my trust issues kick in. If I were able to ask, how much of what I got would be genuine? I hate second guessing everyone's motives all the time. I can't even get a compliment or anything from my wife without feeling like there is something behind it.

Hate feeling this way.


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#242754 - 08/06/08 01:04 PM Re: Asking for what I need... [Re: JustScott]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6429
Loc: 2.5 NATO Nations
This is actually one of Mike Lew's main focal points at his retreat. That is, to get the guys asking for what they need.

I never really got to the reason behind why we typically don't ask. I think my particular reason is that I refused to be dependent upon anyone else for anything. I am fiercely independent through all aspects of life. Before recovery began, I refused to ever ask for help even in emergencies. I would NEVER-EVER ask for a favor either. I'd rather face disaster head-on by myself than ask someone for a helping hand.

Why? I'm not gonna put any part of ME in YOUR control.

People and Ts discourage this mode...but I survived using it!

_________________________
This nation has lost its mind!

The Aftermath Video

The Water Buffalo Song

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#242770 - 08/06/08 02:17 PM Re: Asking for what I need... [Re: Still]
LN3(SS) Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/20/08
Posts: 486
Loc: MD
I have real big issues with this one myself.

I learned after seeing my perp tapped on the wrist that favors were to be DESPISED and that ass kissing went a long way. I really learned from my experiences with Navy mental health that asking for ANYTHING was setting myself up to get hurt worse than I already was.

Even on here, I get SCARED to ask people for anything because I fear rejection. In my own mind, I can't get around the thought that someone on here will reject me or what I have to say for some reason or another. All those trust issues kick in again.

_________________________
"When we go into battle, I will be the first to set foot on the field, and I will be the last to step off, and I will leave no one behind. Dead, or alive, we will all come home together." LTG Hal Moore, Jr., USA (Ret.)

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#242773 - 08/06/08 03:13 PM Re: Asking for what I need... [Re: LN3(SS)]
TJ jeff Offline

Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/07/04
Posts: 3368
Loc: Northern Wisconsin
I believe that the biggest reason we do'nt ask for what we need is because we were taught by our abusers that what we want did'nt matter - they still abused us anyways - and as we grow up that feeling of what we want not mattering does not just magicaly go away

part of recovery is in learning that the things that we want really do matter

_________________________
Who will cry for the little boy? - I will... - Antwone Fisher

Abuse happens in silence/isolation - Recovery happens only when that silence/isolation is broken...

TJ's History

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#242793 - 08/06/08 04:11 PM Re: Asking for what I need... [Re: TJ jeff]
dgoods Offline
Guest

Registered: 10/15/07
Posts: 622
Loc: Richmond area
I think also that many of us "learned" that showing any sign of needing anything was nothing more than a weakness for others to exploit... and a "lesson" like that doesn't vanish overnight. I know personally how that feels, and still struggle with that issue to this day. It's torture knowing that what one "should" do, and what one feels the instinct to do, are usually not the same thing.

_________________________
Give sorrow words: the grief that does not speak
Whispers the o'er-fraught heart and bids it break.

-William Shakespeare, Macbeth, Act IV, Sc. III

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#242801 - 08/06/08 05:13 PM Re: Asking for what I need... [Re: dgoods]
Kent Offline
New Here

Registered: 08/11/07
Posts: 12
Loc: Denmark
Hey Scott

Yeah, I know that problem all to well.
It really sucks, that it's so hard to ask for what you want / need, and I really don't have any wise words for you \:\(
I guess for me, it's because if I let others see that there's something I want / need, that would be a potential weakness they can exploit, and second, it could be that it's because my abusers were masters in learning me, that what i wanted/needed were not important, only there wants and needs.

I takes time, and patience, but it's not impossible to learn, it's just damned hard. I am getting better at it. I guess the only thing there is to do, is start out small, with someone you feel safe with, take it from there.

Kent

_________________________
Kernel panick: Can't mount /dev/brain - No such device

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#243255 - 08/08/08 04:04 PM Re: Asking for what I need... [Re: Kent]
JustScott Offline
Greeter Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/27/08
Posts: 2578
So anyone had any advice on how I can stop feeling like I don't matter?

I feel such utter self hatred and loathing lately. I post some worthless crap and then go back later, re-read it, and delete it.

How do I get through/over all this stuff.

Just don't know what to do with myself lately. I don't even really know what I'm feeling. Just know that I can't stand myself. Like I'm just a waste of peoples times and energy.


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#243265 - 08/08/08 05:05 PM Re: Asking for what I need... [Re: JustScott]
michael banks Offline


Registered: 06/12/08
Posts: 1755
Loc: Mojave Desert, Ca
scott,
By the title of your post-I do believe that you are asking for what you need.
During the recovery process we all have to confront and feel things that we have been running away from for years.
Some of these feelings are ugly and seem overwhelming at the time we are going thur them.
We were all given false messages about who we are.
We carry these messages inside of our heads and play them over and over again -reenforcing them.
The only majic pill that I know of is time.
I have been in recovery for some twenty years and I still have bad days. But the worst day today is a hell of alot better than the best days back then.
I would advise that you see a T if you are not already. He can help you to find some direction in your recovery and to deal with how you are feeling about yourself.
Just a suggestion about your post-- After you post try and not to go back to it for a few days. Allow others to respond and then go back and read their feed back.
Your not wasting anybodies time or energy.
Today you have help me more then you will every know.

Let us love you until you can love yourself.

mike

_________________________
To own one's shadow is the highest moral act of a human.
-Robert Johnson-

"IT ought never be forgotten that the past is the parent of the future" John C. Calhoun

WOR Alumni Sequoia 2009

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#243307 - 08/08/08 09:21 PM Re: Asking for what I need... [Re: michael banks]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Scott,

I think Jeff hits the nail right on the head. Here's my thought on the other side of this, which you mention in your second post - the feeling of worthlessness.

That's of course an abuse issue. When a boy is abused he wonders why this is happening to him, and since he's a kid and can't imagine that the older abuser could be wrong, he concludes that everything is his own fault. And what can a boy be worth if he lets things like this happen to him? If - like many abused boys - he is reacting physically or submitting to abuse, then this feeling of worthlessness will become even worse.

That feeling doesn't disappear just because the boy is an adult now; it will have sunk into the background, from where it will have been affecting him in all kinds of ways that he just hasn't noticed. But then when he begins to recover he notices this feeling and identifies it for what it is; he "owns" it, in a way. And that's a good thing. How can we recover from a feeling of worthlessness if we cannot admit that this is actually how we feel?

But it's rough dealing with those feelings because they seem to defy all our common sense. We do "know" somehow that we are worthwhile; there is plenty of evidence around to demonstrate that. But those old feelings are incredibly powerful and can keep a terribly close hold on us nevertheless. It's emotions over reason, heart over head, until we have been able to process these feelings and learn how to deal with them.

I like Mike's comment to you Scott: "Let us love you until you can love yourself." You are a good man, and a good friend, and a good husband and father. I know one day you will see that.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#243481 - 08/09/08 02:01 PM Re: Asking for what I need... [Re: roadrunner]
michael banks Offline


Registered: 06/12/08
Posts: 1755
Loc: Mojave Desert, Ca
Scott,

I was reading Mic Hunter's book Abused boys last night.
In the chapter -Life areas affected by Abuse- He talks about SHAME.
" shame is a sense that one's personhood is damaged, inaquate, or worthless. I view shame as the most powerful and damaging emotional effect of sexual abuse. The paradox is that the person who has been violated is the one who has a sense that there is something wronge with him. Since shame is related to a person's "self" and not merely to a experience, the shame becomes part of the victim's identity, and it follows him into adulthood affecting his view of himself and everything he does.
People with an excess of shame tend to have unrealistic expectations of themselves. they believe that they need to compensate for something, even if they don't know what it is; but they are sure something is basically wrong with them and with most of what they do."

The feeling of shame has been one of the most diffecult aspects of recovery for me to overcome.

If you don't already have this book you can get it at the m/s bookstore.

Hope you are doing better today.

mike

_________________________
To own one's shadow is the highest moral act of a human.
-Robert Johnson-

"IT ought never be forgotten that the past is the parent of the future" John C. Calhoun

WOR Alumni Sequoia 2009

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