I have a book for you to look at. It is SELF ESTEEM, by Matthew McKay, PH.D, and Patrick Fanning. I understand the hurt and depression when those types of questions come-up. It was an incident of group shaming over that same question that drove me to my first therapist at the age of 28. Aren't you in that same age group? I think that it is a common time for a common problem. I used to avoid the subject of sexuality and it used to be easier when I was younger. But by my mid to late 20s it was becoming harder to avoid questions. I too was becoming more ashamed of my inabilities and that had a direct consequence on my self-esteem. And there was a lot of shame and guilt that was riding me constantly too. I began to get angry at myself, as the shame and constant fear of those unwanted "questions" became worse over time.
Didn't you say that you had been clean for 7 weeks? I used to get walked all over before I gave up my daily pot habit and my excessive alcohol use. Maybe it was just aging too. I gave those up in 1991-92, when I was 34-35. It took some time afterwards, but after a while, those people who were used to walking all over me had to give it up or hit the road.
Self-esteem and dealing with your shame and self-blaming is where you need to look to get away from your problems with people questioning or joking about an issue that greatly affects how we see or value ourselves as an adult. Were you abused by men? You don't smoke pot, do you? I took a college course in public speaking once, after 18 months with my first therapist, that I found helpful in raising the level of my assertiveness around men too. A theater coach also once gave me a trick for public eye contact that worked well until I didn't need it anymore. They taught me to focus on something some distance further away and then hold that focus depth when I looked back at their eyes, which will result in blurring your focus of the person or people that you are talking to. It made it a lot easier for me to talk to people.
Have hope, my man, and remember, one day at a time.
"We stay here, we die here. We've got to keep moving". Trucker Mark