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#242680 - 08/05/08 10:57 PM .
bardo213 Offline
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Registered: 11/21/07
Posts: 811
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Edited by bardo213 (06/21/13 06:14 PM)

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#242684 - 08/05/08 11:36 PM Re: transparent feelings [Re: bardo213]
hogan_dawg Offline
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Registered: 03/26/08
Posts: 492
The unconscious is confusing. Who says it even exists? Transparent feelings? Feelings are tough enough. Sounds like the writer is trying too hard to be psychological.

Stick to boundaries. They're way easier to handle.

Best way I can put it is that you have to put up firm 'fences' around matters that are of concern to you - that you wish to protect. Privacy is an easy boundary to define. In this sense the boundary is like a fence. The trouble with some issues is that once you raise the matter, it becomes very difficult to draw a boundary around it. This is because when you raise the issue you lower the fence.

For example, with sexuality, if you wanted to 100% ensure that your sexuality did not become a discussable topic, the trick would be to leave people guessing as to your sexuality. Don't raise the matter - don't lower the fence. Then raising it is the other person's problem.

Thing is, that's not often realistic or desirable. If you do raise the issue of your own sexuality, the door is opened to discuss related matters. So then finer boundaries need to go up to ensure that the 'core' issues that matter to you aren't stomped upon. That's a matter of fine tuning and it'll take some time.

_________________________
I can say unequivocally that the lie of "To truly heal you must first forgive" has derailed more victims than the abusers themselves.
Andrew Vachs, 2003

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#242687 - 08/05/08 11:42 PM Re: transparent feelings [Re: bardo213]
Trucker51 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/20/08
Posts: 2826
Loc: Denver, CO
I have a book for you to look at. It is SELF ESTEEM, by Matthew McKay, PH.D, and Patrick Fanning. I understand the hurt and depression when those types of questions come-up. It was an incident of group shaming over that same question that drove me to my first therapist at the age of 28. Aren't you in that same age group? I think that it is a common time for a common problem. I used to avoid the subject of sexuality and it used to be easier when I was younger. But by my mid to late 20s it was becoming harder to avoid questions. I too was becoming more ashamed of my inabilities and that had a direct consequence on my self-esteem. And there was a lot of shame and guilt that was riding me constantly too. I began to get angry at myself, as the shame and constant fear of those unwanted "questions" became worse over time.

Didn't you say that you had been clean for 7 weeks? I used to get walked all over before I gave up my daily pot habit and my excessive alcohol use. Maybe it was just aging too. I gave those up in 1991-92, when I was 34-35. It took some time afterwards, but after a while, those people who were used to walking all over me had to give it up or hit the road.

Self-esteem and dealing with your shame and self-blaming is where you need to look to get away from your problems with people questioning or joking about an issue that greatly affects how we see or value ourselves as an adult. Were you abused by men? You don't smoke pot, do you? I took a college course in public speaking once, after 18 months with my first therapist, that I found helpful in raising the level of my assertiveness around men too. A theater coach also once gave me a trick for public eye contact that worked well until I didn't need it anymore. They taught me to focus on something some distance further away and then hold that focus depth when I looked back at their eyes, which will result in blurring your focus of the person or people that you are talking to. It made it a lot easier for me to talk to people.

Have hope, my man, and remember, one day at a time.

Mark



_________________________
"We stay here, we die here. We've got to keep moving". Trucker Mark



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#242695 - 08/06/08 12:14 AM Re: transparent feelings [Re: Trucker51]
Trucker51 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/20/08
Posts: 2826
Loc: Denver, CO
I found this link that GateKPR put up several months ago. I found it interesting reading and thought that you might find it helpful. http://www.giftfromwithin.org/html/chldhood.html

I believe that his topic is down on the open forum. It is entitled INFORMATION ON CHILDHOOD SEXUAL ABUSE, which was started back in March. Someone replied on it recently.

Mark


_________________________
"We stay here, we die here. We've got to keep moving". Trucker Mark



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#242701 - 08/06/08 12:29 AM Re: transparent feelings [Re: Trucker51]
EGL Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 06/19/04
Posts: 7821
LM, Mark said what first came to my mind when I was reading your post, which is the issue of self-esteem. Abuse really does a number on the self-esteem of SA survivors, because of what the abusers literally say their victims, or what the victim wrongly discerns about himself as a result of it all. It's really hard to undo that kind of thinking about ourselves (I still have times when I lapse back into that mode), but it can be done. A lot of that has to do with coming to terms with the fact that what you have believed about yourself all your life as told you by the abuser was largely lies, mixed with some truths. Sorting those out is hard, but the best way I've found is to look at myself in the third person and ask whether I found feel about someone else the way that I feel about myself. The answer is almost always No, which should tell me something.

_________________________
Eddie

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#242779 - 08/06/08 03:30 PM . [Re: EGL]
bardo213 Offline
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Registered: 11/21/07
Posts: 811
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Edited by bardo213 (06/21/13 06:14 PM)

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