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#242569 - 08/05/08 05:56 PM Family.
sandman Offline


Registered: 08/05/08
Posts: 11
Has anyone else experience the feeling that everyone in your family thinks that you are creating or fabricating these allegations only because of some mental illness that you may have or that you are "trying to ruin the family", I was abused for a long period of time, after telling my mother she immediatley asked me to leave her home. I was 14 at the time. I was allowed to pack my bag with some clothes and was told to start walking (I lived on a farm, so this was a good 10 km hike). I did as I was told and managed to catch a ride with a trucker to the nearest city. I lived on the streets and entrances to banks for a period of a week, upset that my mom didnt believe me and for where my current "residence" was located. Finally I couldnt handle it anymore and called my Mom begging to come home, she said "fine but this crazy talk must end" I agreed. I have lived in silence until recently telling my wife. My fears and mental health have moved to worsened states. I am always afraid of thing happening or having bad thoughts racing through my mind. I am effectively estranged from my entire family except for my wife, who through some sort of strength has managed to remain at my side even though I at times have been more that a handful. I am sorry for blubbering on but I needed to get some stuff out of my head. If anyone has any feedback it would be appreciated.

Cheers
Sandman


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#242579 - 08/05/08 06:12 PM Re: Family. [Re: sandman]
dangal Offline
New Here

Registered: 02/09/08
Posts: 222
Loc: seattle area
I am a spouse here, so I can't speak about the abuse that you have dealt with for myself, but I can tell you my story. My mom abused me, physically, very harsh. I was at school in the 7th grade and they called me to the office. My wounds were to glaring not to notice. I could have lied, but I told the truth. Cps showed up to my house about ohhh 4 days later. I remember laying on the floor of my bedroom with my ear to the door so I could hear it all from the room below. I heard her say "I don't know what she's been telling you".....

Cps left and didn't check back in for a year. A year. Clearly I was not believed. When they did come back, all I could say was nope, everything is fine. I ended up in Foster care by the time I was in 10th grade. I became a runaway. Things have been up and down with my family for years but one thing has been a constant, I'm the trouble maker, I'm trying to stir the pot, I'm the bad kid. If ever a thing goes astray in my faimily, you can sure as the sky is blue know it's going to be blamed on me. It's changed who I am. I take on the guilt of the world, seriously if there is some guilt to be had I'll pick it up and carry it a hundred miles piled ontop of the last bunch of guilt I owned.

I'm working on that. My mom told everyone I lied, I was trying to hurt her, I was the bad seed. All her friends told their children and so the rumors spread. I was a bad kid, everyone knew it, at some point I started living it. My mom told me when I was 13 she was taking me to a therapist because I was psycho and crazy. That stuff never leaves you.

I know the type of abuse was different Sandman, but the hell of not being believed and treated crappy we both share. Welcome to the site, glad you found us. Glad you find comfort with your wife. I wish you all the best, keep coming here. It's a good place

_________________________
~Jen~
Life is to short to blend in

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#242580 - 08/05/08 06:13 PM Re: Family. [Re: sandman]
Barkabus Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/09/08
Posts: 809
Hi Chris,

Welcome to MS. I am so glad you found us. We all have our own unique stories and we are all in different places in our recovery. But we are ALL in this together. We are no longer lost and alone in a world that cannot accept the truth about our horrific experiences.

My heart cries over your story Chris. I am so sorry that you have been rejected by your family and were thrown out on the streets for a time when you 14. I am also sorry that the price you had to pay for your admittance back into you home was to deny the cold, hard, painful truth of your sexual abuse. I am thankful that now your wife is on your side and supports you though. For our recovery to be successful, it is vital that we build and maintain a healthy support network.

You will find others here with very similar experiences. We are here to support one another in this very difficult process of recovery. I admire the courage you have to share with us a part of your painful past. There is a wonderful release that comes from shedding light into the very darkest corners of our souls in the company of people who believe you, who genuinely care for you and vow to walk this journey of recovery with you.

Chris, we are those people. Welcome to MS. I'm so sorry you needed to find us. Let the journey begin!

Mike

_________________________
My Story

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#242585 - 08/05/08 06:19 PM Re: Family. [Re: dangal]
sandman Offline


Registered: 08/05/08
Posts: 11
Hi!
Thanks for sharing your story with me. I am glad that I am able to communicate with a group that understands the feelings and thoughts that go through my mind. You all seem to be a very wonderful group of people and I am glad to have found you all.


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#242587 - 08/05/08 06:21 PM Re: Family. [Re: sandman]
dangal Offline
New Here

Registered: 02/09/08
Posts: 222
Loc: seattle area
\:\)

_________________________
~Jen~
Life is to short to blend in

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#242589 - 08/05/08 06:23 PM Re: Family. [Re: dangal]
sandman Offline


Registered: 08/05/08
Posts: 11
:):)


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#242590 - 08/05/08 06:30 PM Re: Family. [Re: sandman]
king tut Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/13/08
Posts: 2465
Loc: UK
Hi Chris,

I definitely thought that my dad wouldn't believe me, and all kinds of things went through my mind, things like would he think i was crazy, and i was careful to reassure him that i wasn't trying to ruin the family, my dad did believe me.

I can relate to your fears, and so understand your anguish. It sounds like your mother did not want to admit what you were saying, maybe she was in denial and maybe sending you away was her way to deal with it. I don't know. But it was very wrong of her to react in that way. This is one of the problems that exist in the world today, lack of common knowledge about all things CSA means people react in the most terrible ways. Your mother should have understood that there would be no reason in the world that you would lie about something so horrible and that makes you feel so bad. I think your mother must have been really unequipped to deal with what she was hearing, but that doesn't excuse how she reacted.

I think you will find that this site will help you to sort through your feelings and your emotions, i find just by writing things down that i understand things more clearly and feel better and can control my emotions better.

I'm glad your wife is standing by you in this, through thick and thin, she sounds like a great woman.

And although we all do it most of the time lol,
Originally Posted By: sandman
I am sorry for blubbering on but I needed to get some stuff out of my head.
we say that you shouldn't feel like you have to apologise for saying what you need to say or for asking for help, this is what the site is here for, although yeah it is fine if you do lol just being helpful \:\)

_________________________
"...until lambs become lions"

I love you, little lewis, and i will never leave you. We are the same. You brighten my day, and i will make sure that i brighten yours. Hugs and kisses.


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#242681 - 08/05/08 10:59 PM Re: Family. [Re: king tut]
Trucker51 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/20/08
Posts: 2826
Loc: Denver, CO
My own mother didn't believe me at the age of 15 because I was accusing a long-time friend from her church. Over the next nearly 20 years I was constantly shamed over "my" problems and how I was "my own worst enemy", and how I would have to learn to "help myself". Then there was all of the guilt over what I was doing to our family. Finally my little sister started spouting-off about her own abuse, and then my other sister joined-in, and then I was blamed for not protecting them too.

Thankfully, my mother finally made a real apology, and I talk to her once a week nowadays. And my little sister lives nearby and we talk regularly and see each other at least once a month. I see my other sister and my nephews once or twice a year since she lives 1300 miles away. My issues have been largely resolved for 8 years now.

If you stay with your therapy and with this group, you should enjoy much greater control and personal freedom in the years to come. Again, welcome to our group. You have made the right decision coming to us for help.

Have hope.

Mark

_________________________
"We stay here, we die here. We've got to keep moving". Trucker Mark



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#242706 - 08/06/08 12:48 AM Re: Family. [Re: Trucker51]
NY Daisy Offline
New Here

Registered: 02/29/08
Posts: 183
Sandman, I am not a survivor, I am a spouse. My H was abused by his brother. He was the the "scapegoat" of his family. Before I knew about the abuse, all I heard about was what trouble he was.I could not understand this at all. He bent over backwards for these people, and all they did was put him down. I now believe since learning about the abuse(13yrs ago) that they were all part of it. His brother molested him, his parents had known, and they all tried to bully him into silence. I learned that the abuse was widespread, and I think they saw my H as the "weak Link." The one that would tell. Which it turned out that he was. ALL OF THEM STOPPED SPEAKING TO HIM. He comes from a very large family and no one sided with him.

We no longer associate with any of them. They aren't worthy, he is to good for them. My H has thrived without their toxic presence, he has achieved so much, and I am really proud. Just because you share blood doesn't mean you have to just take what they dish out.

Were you abused by a family member? Is your Mom protecting someone?

I am happy to hear you have a supportive wife. WE DO MAKE A DIFFERENCE IN RECOVERY. We support unconditionally, even if you don't feel it sometimes.

do you see a T? It sounds like you are having panic attacks, or maybe ptsd. You should have someone to talk to.

It always makes my blood boil when I hear that one of you guys tried to tell only for it to fall on deaf ears, or told it was your fault. What is wrong with people? KingTut said it is a lack of common knowledge for the subject, what is there to know, ADULTS SHOULD NOT HAVE SEX WITH CHILDREN. PERIOD. CHILDREN SHOULD NOT BE COERCED INTO SEX BY OLDER TEENAGERS. PERIOD. IF A CHILD TELLS YOU THEY HAVE BEEN ABUSED, YOU LISTEN.PERIOD. THE WORLD NEEDS TO GET IT"S HEAD OUT OF IT'S OWN ASS. PERIOD.

Warmly, NYDAISY


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#243541 - 08/09/08 07:26 PM Re: Family. [Re: NY Daisy]
indygal Offline
Member

Registered: 06/22/06
Posts: 439
Sandman,

My heart goes out to you because your mom sounds so much like mine; however she died over 2 decades ago, by her own hand.

It took me maybe 4 years to stop being angry and hating her and maybe 8 years after she died we were the best of friends; I found peace the more I learned about her own difficult life.

One of the things I learned was that an uncle of mine molested some members of the family including a cousin - this was my mother's brother. He's the only uncle I don't remember meeting - because she kept him away from all of us (my siblings and I). From other indications I also began to realize she more likely than not (will probably never know the truth) was abused herself as a girl.

When I learned so much about her after her death, I felt a great deal of sorrow for the mother I never knew and so much hurt that she could never love any of her children in the way we all needed to be loved. Forgiving her wasn't easy but when it came it brought me a lot of peace.

I'm not saying you should forgive your mother but I am saying that sometimes our parents had issues we never even imagined and yes, csa happened in their generation also. Surely it must have been even worse as a social event to deal with; that maybe only a few families actually dealt with it in an intelligent manner. Even then I doubt anyone talked about it.

It's good you are acknowledging the source of your pain and I hope thru this and other positive steps you will find healing in your journey.

all the best,
Indy


_________________________
my avatar is one of the Battle Angel characters, fighting the good fight.

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#243634 - 08/09/08 11:15 PM Re: Family. [Re: indygal]
dgoods Offline
Guest

Registered: 10/15/07
Posts: 622
Loc: Richmond area
Sandman- my 1st reaction was to be angry at your mother for how she treated you. I had to recently both remind my parents about my 1st abuse, and tell them for the 1st time about the second. There's been a fair amount of minimization since, a sort of "Yeah, fine, but..." for both parents/extended family (my parents divorced when i was a baby) that's at times left me furious, disgusted, or depressed when faced with it. "Yeah, but..." Are my family's genes so magical that bad things should be surmounted effortlessly? Um, NO. Do i blame what happened to me for every mistake i've made in life? Again, no. Is it possible my F&F might have a harder time facing the truth than they pretend to? Gee, maybe. I can understand how horrible parental guilt must be, and know it's never easy for any F&F to deal with- but while it might not seem nice or fair (and i'll bet this has been expressed in another post somewhere on here), sometimes i just want to shout "YOU THINK IT'S HARD TALKING OR THINKING ABOUT IT? TRY LIVING IT!" Not that i've got anger issues, or anything. Heh.
OK, almost-cohesive rant over. Hope this made some sort of sense.

_________________________
Give sorrow words: the grief that does not speak
Whispers the o'er-fraught heart and bids it break.

-William Shakespeare, Macbeth, Act IV, Sc. III

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