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#242435 - 08/05/08 08:07 AM Re: Curious what you all think [Re: dangal]
Trish4850 Offline
BoD Liaison Emeritus
MaleSurvivor<

Registered: 10/15/05
Posts: 3280
Loc: New Jersey
Vent away Jen. We're all individuals and what works for one will be horrible for another. You'll find your footing, I'm sure of it. There is so much to this monster that little things really do count. Neither you or your husband may realize that a problem has actually been resolved until 25 smaller problems have been resolved because they weren't "the big one". But before you know it, a year has gone by; you look back and you can see there are differences, good ones. Each of those little victories builds strength and make dealing with "the big one" more likely.

ROCK ON.........Trish

_________________________
If you fall down 10 times, Stand up 11.

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#242464 - 08/05/08 10:40 AM Re: Curious what you all think [Re: dangal]
NY Daisy Offline
New Here

Registered: 02/29/08
Posts: 183
Dangal, At some point you are going to have to throw the balls to him,and either let him juggle them or let them fall. It is too much pressure for one person to handle.

Did you ever hear of tough love? the basic concept is that you let them make their own mistakes, and they have to deal with the consequences. Now about the dry cleaners, You didn't want to go. You tried to explain to him you were busy,you cried all the way there, you were now resentful, he made you feel guilty by calling you selfish, mean, ungrateful, WAS ANYONE HAPPY? I know you weren't, and he probably wasn't either,he bullied you, and probably felt bad about doing it.

So how do we make it stop? first off, what would have happened if you didn't take his pants to the dry cleaner? His pants would have been dirty. Who's fault would that have been? Not yours. You told him you were busy. That was the consequence, now maybe next time he will take them himself. If he does, give him a positive reinforcement for it. WHO FEELS BETTER NOW? MY guess is both of you. you didn't cave in to his demand, you stood your ground, you were true to yourself, no resentments since you were not "FORCED". This makes a person feel good about themselves. He feels better because he did something for himself, accomplished a task, helped you out, you are happy and grateful, didn't put you down in the process,and he is one step closer to being independent, which he needs. He needs to be able to stand on his own 2 feet.

All of these men have hurt little boys inside them. These little boys want to be loved and nurtured. They want to feel safe and secure. I get and understand that. However, at some point these little boys have to grow and mature, they need to catch up with their adult selves, be one. This cannot happen in my opinion if they stay totally dependent on someone else.
Does it have to be done all at once. NO. Small steps, give him more responsibilties, applaud his accomplishments, comfort him when something fails, and always reassure him that he is loved, UNCONDITIONALLY.

I think that all these men are capable of so much, but their minds were played with so badly that they lack the self esteem sometimes to do the most mundane task, the fear of failing or letting someone down is greater than the risk of trying. Tough love helps build self esteem.

Warmly, NYDAISY


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#242465 - 08/05/08 10:53 AM Re: Curious what you all think [Re: NY Daisy]
NY Daisy Offline
New Here

Registered: 02/29/08
Posts: 183
Oh and Dangal, there is nothing wrong with a healthy dose of selfish. LOL

Seriously, you are not selfish if you do not feel like doing everything for everyone. My H says I am selfish. I tell him DAMN STRAIGHT I AM. It is not selfish to be able to say no. I will give 100% of myself to someone or something, but it is my choice. I know my limits, and don't have a problem telling someone that I can't help them, if I can, great, if I can't well that's great too. You have to be true to yourself. By putting everyone else's needs before your own,it just leaves you bitter and angry, THAT THEN HELPS NO ONE, LEAST OF ALL YOURSELF.

Warmly, NYDAISY



Edited by NY Daisy (08/05/08 10:53 AM)

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#242466 - 08/05/08 11:09 AM Re: Curious what you all think [Re: NY Daisy]
dangal Offline
New Here

Registered: 02/09/08
Posts: 222
Loc: seattle area
NYDaisy,

I understand what you are saying. The problem at the time of the dry cleaner situation was I believed all those things about myself. We had just started therapy and she had just told me that I could say no, I could stand up for myself, but I didn't believe it yet, and the first time I did it was so ugly. I believed as I drove the clothes over that it was my fault, I should have thought it out and realized maybe I was not so busy. Be more giving of a spirit. He did have an event the next day, it was not that his clothes were dirty, he wanted them pressed. That was part of my saying no, I was busy, just iron the stupid pants in the morning.

He was soooo angry at me, when I broke down and said I would take his clothes in he told me not to dare to do it now and be the "hero"....so part of my sobbing was fear that he would really be pissed for me actually DOING what he wanted me to do. How freaking insane huh?

The crazy thinking has really messed me up at times. That was one of the times. Everything about that day was crazy, and as I know what I should have done, I don't think at the time with how bad off he was doing he would have been happy either way.

Mentally exhausted. I think some people think they know what that is. I know we all do.

I need to learn to embrace my selfish side. \:\) I have made large steps. Last weekend I left Daddy home with the boys and went to my friends property 3 hours away, we rode quads, played in the lake, swam, boated...all just selfish me!! It was very nice. Huge step, nice break. MUCH needed!

_________________________
~Jen~
Life is to short to blend in

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#242514 - 08/05/08 02:55 PM Re: Curious what you all think [Re: dangal]
NY Daisy Offline
New Here

Registered: 02/29/08
Posts: 183
I hear you Dangal, I hear ya. Been there, it is not easy.

good for you. that sounds like alot of fun.


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