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#242380 - 08/04/08 09:31 PM Feeling Angry
Bewlayb1 Offline
Guest

Registered: 08/03/07
Posts: 241
Loc: NYC
I didn't always have a temper. It's been increasing slowly since I was eighteen. I was abused from eight to ten by a teacher. Until about eighteen, I was extremely quiet and had almost no social skills. I literally grew a personality over a few years. I noticed that I would have outbursts of anger, and I assumed it was part of that development. I viewed it as positive. It was better than being a doormat and never defending myself.

I'm twenty-six now. I try to act nice and decent to everyone, but if someone gets to me, I'll say the nastiest, cruelest things that come to mind. During those moments, I feel as if I have no control. My temper flares. It's gone fairly quickly. Usually I'm ashamed afterwards.

Lately, I feel as if I have a chip on my shoulder. About a week ago when some prick at a bar was drunkenly waving his cigarette around and burnt my cheek. I never got into a physical fight in my life, but I was so close to punching him. I had to keep repeating to myself that it was an accident and I abruptly went home. It's healing, though it's still red. I know it sounds vain, but I had disturbing image problems following the abuse: I especially hated my ears, my weight and my acne. I remember when I was thirteen, or fourteen doing the craziest things to get rid of blemishes. I was mad: rubbing my skin with toothpaste, sucking off zits with a straw. It reminds me now of Michael Jackson.

I don't think this burn is what's distressing me. But so many people are aggravating me. There's one guy at work who's extremely lazy and selfish. I asked him to do the slightest thing to help me when I was busy and he chuckled to himself and walked away to play on the internet. I was ready to blow up at him. I'm always willing to help. I'm the type of person who would give the shirt off his back.

An hour later, I came back from lunch, and he was talking with a female coworker of ours. His former priest was on the news because the priest was accused of molesting two boys. He said he didn't believe it. The priest said he was straight and spoke about finding women attractive. Everyone loved him. My coworker said some cases of sexual abuse might be true, but most of them can't be. I felt like crying as much as I felt like screaming at him. That attitude is why survivors are afraid to come forward. The teacher who raped me for two years was friendly, handsome and well-liked. Many people would have a hard time accepting that he was pure evil.

I said he just doesn't want to believe it, so he refuses to, and I walked away. I didn't want to reveal my past to this jerk, though I'm sure my coworkers gossiped and drew conclusions anyway. This coworker and I argue all the time. I always try to be nice to everyone, yet I can sense real hatred and animosity between us. It scares and surprises me. Luckily, I'm transferring to a different department in two weeks.

Other people at work are jealous because I was promoted and have been attempting to embarrass me, or make me look bad. At times, I know they are trying to goad me into having a tantrum.

As I said, in two weeks I'll be out of there. Yet, I'm still wondering about this anger. I don't want to be the weak, helpless cry baby I was for so long. But people have also exploited my lack of self-control. I'll start ranting and raving and look crazy.

Part of me is proud of my anger, part of me is afraid of it. You don't know how close I was to telling that shithead: "Children are raped all the time, I was raped, you stupid fuck!" Then what? I probably would have lost my promotion.

Do I embrace this side of me, or do I fight it? If there's an area in between, I can't seem to find it.


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#242410 - 08/05/08 12:33 AM Re: Feeling Angry [Re: Bewlayb1]
NatureDrum Offline
New Here

Registered: 12/08/07
Posts: 116
Anger is a natural feeling. It is good you are getting in touch with it. Finding healthy ways to express the anger can be a challenge. Drumming helps me to keep my overall anger level low which helps me to hold my anger when I am in a situation that makes me angry. Trying to express the anger during the situation is the tough part for me.

Embrace your anger and honor it.

Nat

_________________________
Negotiating the treaty for peace of mind.

My Story

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#242549 - 08/05/08 05:19 PM Re: Feeling Angry [Re: NatureDrum]
sandman Offline


Registered: 08/05/08
Posts: 11
Anger is still the hardest of my emotions to understand


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#242900 - 08/07/08 02:32 AM Re: Feeling Angry [Re: sandman]
OKIE MIKE Offline
Member

Registered: 02/13/04
Posts: 979
Loc: HULBERT OK
I have ben haveing a hard time dealing with anger and depresion gor years. Some times it is a good thing to get angry. Because if
you just keep it bottled up it can cause yoy to become ill. If someone is pissing you off. find a way to let it out. If you can go out in the woods and beat the shit out of a tree. If you can't do that. beat up a pillow but let it out

_________________________
MICHAEL

"I HAD NO SHOES THEN I SAW A MAN THAT HAD NO FEET"

"All I can do is be me, whoever that is"

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#242902 - 08/07/08 02:56 AM Re: Feeling Angry [Re: OKIE MIKE]
LN3(SS) Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/20/08
Posts: 486
Loc: MD
As I write this post, I am on the backside of a spout of anger.

I don't even pretend to understand my anger, or anything about it. It is so vile that my shrink is trying medication for it. Anyone know of any good pre>
_________________________
"When we go into battle, I will be the first to set foot on the field, and I will be the last to step off, and I will leave no one behind. Dead, or alive, we will all come home together." LTG Hal Moore, Jr., USA (Ret.)

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#242912 - 08/07/08 08:17 AM Re: Feeling Angry [Re: Bewlayb1]
Sans Logos Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/31/03
Posts: 5791
Loc: in my own world in pittsburgh,...
bewlayb1, i think the area in between is called perspective. it is very difficult to disengage from the feelings of anger when you identify with them so strongly. anger is a major component of human constitution, and can't be done away with. that would be like having a broken immune system. not good.

a lot of times anger is more than just anger itself, but a great big knot of other emotions as well. shame and guilt seem to be the bedfellows of anger. i am getting a sense on reading your story that a big part of your emotional response is not so much an anger issue, but shame based [you even admit after indulging anger that you feel ashamed, but i think, in this case the shame precedes the anger, not follows it]. i say this because of some of the things you say in your message seem to suggest that, unaware, you may be living out of a>
_________________________
  1. the past
  2. ReClaiming Now
  3. advocacy


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#242925 - 08/07/08 09:25 AM Re: Feeling Angry [Re: Sans Logos]
DanM Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/09/07
Posts: 540
Loc: So. California
I agree with Sans Logo, I think the anger is just a manifestation of the shame and guilt that we experience as a result of the abuse. I know this was certainly the case for me. The toxic effects of the shame, guilt and low self-steem would build until I could no longer contain it and it would come out as rage. My poor family would have to endure my rage and anger, many times over little and meaningless things.

It wasn't until after I finally disclosed my abuse (for the first time to anyone) to my wife that all of that seemed to be released. Up until that point, conciously I had no idea why I would act like that. It was a vicious circle, the feelings shame and guilt would build within me like a pressure cooker. Then it would be released with my rage, only to start all over again with the shame I felt for acting like I did. It was as if I had no control over my emotions and actions. I felt like a animal that had been cornered and was under attack. Fortunately or unfortunately, this would only happen once or twice a year. Now after being therapy for awhile. I have realized it was all due to shutting off or trying to contain all of my all emotions and not feel the pain from the abuse.

Maybe, you are experiencing a similar thing. Being able to acknowledge the abuse and how it has impacted your life has proven to be helpful for me. I am not totally free of my anger, for I can still feel it building from time to time. However, I now I am able to recognize the signs of this happening and can take steps to counteract it.

I wish you the best.

Dan


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#243020 - 08/07/08 04:57 PM Re: Feeling Angry [Re: DanM]
LW1527 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/14/08
Posts: 408
Loc: Salt Lake City Ut
bewlayb1 - I became very angry for no reason about 4 years ago. I finally went to therapy and thought I would be out of there in a few weeks after I talked about a few bad times at home as a kid. I learned early on that my anger was a direct result of the feelings, memories, trauma that I had pushed down from physical and sexual abuse with a side order of neglect and other crap thrown in for good measure.

It's going to come out one way or the other. There's no way to keep it down. It is horrible when people dismiss sexual abuse. It is simply denial on their end. Don't let it throw you. Follow your path to healing. You need some good help along the way. MS is a good place to start, but you may want a good T to help you out. Post here often. We are here for you.

Lance


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#243021 - 08/07/08 04:57 PM Re: Feeling Angry [Re: DanM]
LW1527 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/14/08
Posts: 408
Loc: Salt Lake City Ut
bewlayb1 - I became very angry for no reason about 4 years ago. I finally went to therapy and thought I would be out of there in a few weeks after I talked about a few bad times at home as a kid. I learned early on that my anger was a direct result of the feelings, memories, trauma that I had pushed down from physical and sexual abuse with a side order of neglect and other crap thrown in for good measure.

It's going to come out one way or the other. There's no way to keep it down. It is horrible when people dismiss sexual abuse. It is simply denial on their end. Don't let it throw you. Follow your path to healing. You need some good help along the way. MS is a good place to start, but you may want a good T to help you out. Post here often. We are here for you.

Lance


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#243030 - 08/07/08 05:44 PM Re: Feeling Angry [Re: LW1527]
DanM Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/09/07
Posts: 540
Loc: So. California
Good advice...LW.


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