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#242192 - 08/04/08 12:09 AM Experiencing Life for the first time.
John Oarc Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/10/06
Posts: 633
Loc: Louisiana
Hey guys, this medication is helping me in ways I have not imagined. I am actually facing my real feelings, I mean I am actually having real feelings, that is what I should say. I have been running around in a lie most of my life, like a robot, solid as a rock on the outside but on the inside my body and soul were taking a beating. I suppressed all the emotions, all the natural feelings. If I became frightened I shrugged it off and thought no man should be scared, I have to be tougher than the average Joe because I have been molested and I need the world to believe that I am super human, more than a man. I have no feelings of fear or anything else for that matter. I am void of feeling, void of knowing when to quit, I do not follow the same rules as human beings because I am superman. That is how I lived my life, with no idea that one day all the suppressed feelings would one day come back to demand I deal with them.


The medication is letting the chemicals in my brain settle down and the fact that I aknowledged having anxiety and began researching its effects is helping me live a real life. I am feeling scared, happy, love and all the rest of the emotions we are suppossed to feel. I am happy and it makes me fear the loss of it but the best thing is that I feel both of the emotions instead of denying them. I am moving slowly and I love it.


Sorry for the rant but man this is wonderful. I am alive.

One thing I must say; taking the meds made me settle down and I was not used to that. It freaked me out and I wanted to stop taking them. I finally embraced the calm feelings and began enjoying them more and more. I have stopped taking meds before for this reason. I already felt freaked out and the meds made it seem worse. The fact is the meds were just calming me down which is something I have not felt in many years, so of course it would freak me out.

Love you guys just had to get this out there in case anyone is going through something similar.

_________________________
Whatever It Takes, God


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#242193 - 08/04/08 12:16 AM Re: Experiencing Life for the first time. [Re: John Oarc]
Cobain28 Offline


Registered: 07/28/08
Posts: 15
Loc: Oshawa, Ontario, Canada
I'm glad that you've began to open yourself up to these emotions and experience them and feel connected to yourself like that :). I often wonder if anxiety is what I'm experiencing myself but I'm not entirely sure. I suppose everyone's anxiety symptoms may differ from one person to the next. I hope your path finds you well. \:\)

Matthew

_________________________
"Society, your crazy breed, hope you're not angry if I disagree." -Eddie Vedder-

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#242223 - 08/04/08 07:54 AM Re: Experiencing Life for the first time. [Re: Cobain28]
John Oarc Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/10/06
Posts: 633
Loc: Louisiana
Thanks Cobain, I have been opening up more and more each day. I can't believe that I have been living like this for so long.

Not living life or not experiencing it is not a way to spend the gift of life. It's kind of like the saying; " It is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all."

I say; "It is better to have lived and lost than to have never lived at all."

Thanks for the the reply Cobain, hope you have a great day.

John Oarc

_________________________
Whatever It Takes, God


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#242225 - 08/04/08 08:03 AM Re: Experiencing Life for the first time. [Re: John Oarc]
Sans Logos Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/31/03
Posts: 5791
Loc: in my own world in pittsburgh,...
being calm is kinda boring huh john? makes you want to go do something to stir things up. we have no experience living with the peaceful tranquility of the moment, because in our mind, the abuse of the past which we always carried with us into each present moment, we saw as a big ole mac truck bearing down on us, and we frantically had to get out of its path,; so we spent our years, months, days, hours, minutes, seconds devising an escape route. that escape route became a life path. so now here you are now awakened from this nightmare, and left to come to grips with a life that does not need to be lived in counterpoint to some course of events initated many moments ago. how do learn to do that? where do we begin? who can show us the way, or give us the 'answer'? all we can do is look inside to find out. and there will be no roadmap, not set of instructions, no>
_________________________
  1. the past
  2. ReClaiming Now
  3. advocacy


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#242247 - 08/04/08 10:12 AM Re: Experiencing Life for the first time. [Re: Sans Logos]
John Oarc Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/10/06
Posts: 633
Loc: Louisiana
Ron, you hit the nail on the head with each and every word. I can't believe I lived like what you just described for so many years. The shock of knowing that I survived day to day with the flight or fight thing kicked in to 5th gear amazes me. I can't understand how my body held up to all the anxiety pulsing through my veins.

Have a good day Ron,

_________________________
Whatever It Takes, God


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