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#241717 - 08/01/08 10:26 AM A Dark Day
LW1527 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/14/08
Posts: 408
Loc: Salt Lake City Ut
Welcome to our world, right? Dark, painful world of feeling kicked while lying huddled on the floor. My T said that first the memories would come then the feelings. Today - the feelings hit me in the face. I couldn't get out of bed even. I staggered to the shower and cried.

Bad day, dark day, but I'll get through it, like riding the surf board, right? Guess I just needed some MS big brother support today.

Lance


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#241718 - 08/01/08 10:37 AM Re: A Dark Day [Re: LW1527]
Kent Offline
New Here

Registered: 08/11/07
Posts: 12
Loc: Denmark
Ohh Lance..

(((Hugs)))

_________________________
Kernel panick: Can't mount /dev/brain - No such device

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#241722 - 08/01/08 11:00 AM Re: A Dark Day [Re: Kent]
JustScott Offline
Greeter Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/27/08
Posts: 2582
You'll make it through for sure Lance. If you can take it, avoid the temptation to bury or cover the feelings.

I took my T's advice the other night and just sat in my feelings. Man it hurt. It was painful for sure, but feeling them and not letting them control and dictate my actions is part of recovery!

Keep fighting!


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#241804 - 08/01/08 04:24 PM Re: A Dark Day [Re: JustScott]
Sans Logos Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/31/03
Posts: 5791
Loc: in my own world in pittsburgh,...
lance the recommendations here are excellent. we can actually observe our feelings without identifying with them. how so? we are not our feelings. they are something that collude with thoughts and thinking patterns, and when that happens, to the extent that we mistakenly identify with them and allow them to define us as who we are, the shit hits the fan and we allow ourselves to revictimized over and over again.

this is a dangerous ground here, because, in the case of those who are experiencing these feelings for the first time due to having blocked them out for so long, they do need to be acknowledged. but if we just keep letting them return over and over without releasing them, they eventually confirm and reaffirm themselves in our memory to the point where they become habitual, and they will then tend to park on us for free, for as long as they like, because we have never told them 'no parking!'. we start to think that they are really a part of who we are, and that just because they come knocking, we are obliged to open the door and let them in. when we do that we are just continuing to give our perps power, over and over again.

we must honor these feelings which we have suppressed for so long. we must welcome the feelings and even the pain for a visit, as the saying says, keep your friends close, but your enemies closer. but we have to give ourselves permission to step aside and define the terms of their relationship to us. the abuse happened in the past. it's done. it has no power in this moment of the here and now unless we entertain the prospects presented by it in the form of memory.

the essential you that was never born and can never be extinguished has the ultimate power to dissolve the chains that these demons of the past would bind you. and the wonderful thing is that we don't have to wait for 'someday' in the future. we can decide so right now! because after all, what is the difference between the now of the present moment, and the now of some future present moment, where we invest our hope for salvation. if not now? when? the when will just be another now.

shut em down now! and take your life back.

your brother in recovery,

ron

_________________________
  1. the past
  2. ReClaiming Now
  3. advocacy


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#241912 - 08/02/08 08:02 AM Re: A Dark Day [Re: LW1527]
petercorbett Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 07/27/08
Posts: 2439
Loc: TEXAS
Hi LW1527
Dark days indeed, I hear you and I can relate to you. I really haven't started dealing with it yet (medically) speaking. But for me the last two weeks that I've been a survivor on this web site, and after reading the book Abused Boys (twice) It got my trigger again after sort of brushing them aside. It was too late as those deep down, long lost, but not forgotten came home to roost. It's been hell for me I'm on the far side of my life span but it's at my point of no return, it's time for thst BOY crying inside to come out and face this head on. I was an alcoholic for about 18 years, in the military, and after a serious car wreck did I think (ony think) about it's time to face it. I went to my base social actions office (as it was known then), ow it's substance abuse. Any way I had a councelor an Air Force captain and we went over the reasons why I was an alki, (never mind that in those days it was work hard then drink hard) military mentality. So when my 4 year old boy came into my bedroom,Saturday morning he saw me black and blue and with bandages on me and declared that's not my daddy. Well that did it. End of drinking career. But this councelor told me in no uncertain terms that ONE CANNOT RUN AWAY FROM HIMSELF. But I never told him the REAL reason I was an alki, it was this BOY running away in a mans body. So now at 69 yrs old, this crying BOY is going to get help well after the fact. And this is going to be a lot tougher (sp) to deal with as I will have to tell my SECRET ta a persons face and not on an internet site. We gotta just hang on, stick with it, after all we all have a crying BOY just waiting to get help and not let this SECRET ruin us again. I'm sure that there will be more to come. The pain is great. We`all need support, and we all came to the right place.

_________________________
Working Boys' Home 10-14 yrs old, grades 5-8. 1949-1953
____________________________________________________________
A very humble alumni of the WOR Dahlonega, GA.
May 15-17 2009, Alta, Sep. 2009. Sequoia, 2010.
Hope Springs, 2010.


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#241915 - 08/02/08 08:35 AM Re: A Dark Day [Re: LW1527]
conflicted Offline


Registered: 08/02/08
Posts: 45
Loc: Greenville, SC
Lance,

I know your pain, and struggle myself with these same issues. My strength is not from within, it is from without! When I rely on myself, trying to pull myself up by my own boot straps, failure is imminent; however, when I find my strength from without, i.e., other brothers fighting the same issues and winning, and most of all God, Who Is Able... I overcome.

Thanks for being honest and sharing.

"i can't bear to see the man i've been, rising up in me again..." casting crowns

bill


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#241917 - 08/02/08 08:46 AM Re: A Dark Day [Re: LW1527]
jcf1957 Offline
Guest

Registered: 09/11/07
Posts: 192
Loc: North Of The 49th Parallel
Hi Lance;

Sorry to hear your having a difficult time lately. I do understand where your coming from. It may sound too lame to say, like you've heard this song a dozen of times before. Yeah I know we all go through this painful crap. I wish I could say more to ease your heart-wrenching memories. It's not always easy to find distractions. Anyways; like so many of us here I'm certainly here for you brother.

Stay Strong
Chris

_________________________
No affliction nor temptation, no guilt nor power of sin, no wounded spirit nor terrified conscious should induce us to despair comfort from God.

Today well lived...makes every tomorrow a vision of Hope.
Anonymous

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#241926 - 08/02/08 09:40 AM Re: A Dark Day [Re: jcf1957]
hogan_dawg Offline
Guest

Registered: 03/26/08
Posts: 492
Lance please hang tough through this difficult time. It's like riding a surfboard but maybe a tad harder. You've got support here if you need it. PM me if the spirit moves you.

Dawg

_________________________
I can say unequivocally that the lie of "To truly heal you must first forgive" has derailed more victims than the abusers themselves.
Andrew Vachs, 2003

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#241958 - 08/02/08 12:35 PM Re: A Dark Day [Re: LW1527]
pufferfish Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6875
Loc: USA
Lance,

Please hang on. There are brighter days ahead.

You'll make it. I'm cheering for you.

Puffer


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#241960 - 08/02/08 12:59 PM Re: A Dark Day [Re: conflicted]
Trucker51 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/20/08
Posts: 2826
Loc: Denver, CO
There is an old saying from drug treatment that I think applies here: "I have good days and I have bad days, but my worst day sober is better than my my best day using". There will be dark days and there will be very satisfying days, but now that you have begun your journey out of your personal darkness, even your worst days are better than where you were at back when you just started here. You have made great progress here. Just stay with it and someday soon you will look back and see just how much progress that you have made. You have lots of brothers here who care about you and who want to see you succeed.

Have hope, my man.

Mark

And to our new participant "Conflicted": Welcome to the site. Glad that you have found us. You have made substantial progress opening up and trusting us. I think that you will find that the guys here are genuinely supportive when one of our members is hurting.

Stay in touch.

Mark

_________________________
"We stay here, we die here. We've got to keep moving". Trucker Mark



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