Hi,brother survivors. This is going to be RAW.
I haven't really had any medical help as of this posting. I hope to have some kind of answer on Monday.

This is from the depths of my soul and I've yet to have come to terms with it. I am 69 years old and have been carrying my SECRET for over 55+ years. Here goes, for what it's worth.

A BOY, brought into this world in 1939 by a sexually, physically, emotionally and mentally abusive mother, no recollection of a father being there although I had a sister 3 yrs younger.
A BOY,who was constantly reminded that the wrong twin had died at birth (girl).
A BOY, whose mother beat the crap out of him and threw knives at him, luckily she missed me.
A BOY, who was sexually abused by his mother (took a great interest in cleaning my penis) sure did make it hard and it tickled the hell out of me, actually I liked it. For years.
A BOY, who was always reminded that he was usless and would never amount to anything.
A BOY, who was raped by a friend of the family who worked at my aunts restaurant, in the cellar and telephone booth.
A BOY, who even had instigated some of our sessions, and enjoyed it. HE WAS THE ONLY PERSON WHO EVER PAID ANY ATTENTION TO ME.
A BOY, who was raped numerious times by men who were working for the Boston subway system, there was always a store room nearby for them.
A BOY, who didn't scream, holler or try and run away from them.
A BOY, who got paid .50 cents for his trouble.
A BOY, who threw the money away in shame, loneliness, and fear.
A BOY, who had mutual masturbation sessions with his cousin, we were the same age, slept together at times and maybe we got into other things also. We were between 10-13 yrs old. This was after the abuse from the family friend took place.
A BOY, who was saved (9 month out of the year)by a knowing neighbor and my Catholc parish priest and put into a Catholic orphanage/home where I was given a home, love, discipline and an education. We were usually about 55-60 boys there per year, grades 5-8. We were either orphans or boys whose parent didn't want us and nobody cared about.
A BOY, who served his country for 22 years (Air Force).
A BOY, who was sexually abused by a gay man who was a friend of my step aunt and uncle, did I participate in it willingly?? I was 17 yrs old and in the Air Force.
A BOY,who became an alcoholic and overcame it, to run away from the abuse memories. I was told that you can't run away from yourself by my councelor, he DIDN'T know my SECRET either.
A BOY,who became a workaholic.
A BOY, who got married at 33 yrs old, had a son and took very good caare of him, I told him everyday that I loved him, I gave him hugs and kisses every day, and when I came home from a (TDY) temporary duty assignment from Korea, for 45 days, I always brought him something to show that I appriciated him and missed him dearly. I still give him hugs and a kiss 'till this day and he's 35.
A BOY, who became a grandfather 2 times in 11 months (boys).
A BOY, who has always since their first 24 hours on this earth has always told them that I love them, give them hugs and kisses too, there 7 & 8.
A BOY, who has in the last few weeks of living in hell, having my deep rooted memories come to the surface, has had a few hours of serenity being and watching those boys.
A BOY, who wants to be them as they are enjoying their youth intact.
A BOY, who is going to finally come to terms with himself.
A BOY, who has 5000+ other (then) boys who have become men to help and guide me.
A BOY, who has indeed become worth something.
A BOY, crying inside begging for help, get with it old man.

These thoughts came to my mind while laying in bed at 0300, I couldn't sleep as my mind and brain have been running overtime in the last two weeks, so I wrote them down. Just why they came out?? Only our higher power knows. I on this coming Monday going to ask my military doctor to get me the help that I need, and to get with it old man. Thanks for listning brothers, we need each other, and we someday to deserve the peace and serinity that we so richly deserve.
A BOY,
A BOY,
A BOY,

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Working Boys' Home 10-14 yrs old, grades 5-8. 1949-1953
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A very humble alumni of the WOR Dahlonega, GA.
May 15-17 2009, Alta, Sep. 2009. Sequoia, 2010.
Hope Springs, 2010.