Hi,brother survivors. This is going to be RAW.
I haven't really had any medical help as of this posting. I hope to have some kind of answer on Monday.
This is from the depths of my soul and I've yet to have come to terms with it. I am 69 years old and have been carrying my SECRET for over 55+ years. Here goes, for what it's worth.
A BOY, brought into this world in 1939 by a sexually, physically, emotionally and mentally abusive mother, no recollection of a father being there although I had a sister 3 yrs younger.
A BOY,who was constantly reminded that the wrong twin had died at birth (girl).
A BOY, whose mother beat the crap out of him and threw knives at him, luckily she missed me.
A BOY, who was sexually abused by his mother (took a great interest in cleaning my penis) sure did make it hard and it tickled the hell out of me, actually I liked it. For years.
A BOY, who was always reminded that he was usless and would never amount to anything.
A BOY, who was raped by a friend of the family who worked at my aunts restaurant, in the cellar and telephone booth.
A BOY, who even had instigated some of our sessions, and enjoyed it. HE WAS THE ONLY PERSON WHO EVER PAID ANY ATTENTION TO ME.
A BOY, who was raped numerious times by men who were working for the Boston subway system, there was always a store room nearby for them.
A BOY, who didn't scream, holler or try and run away from them.
A BOY, who got paid .50 cents for his trouble.
A BOY, who threw the money away in shame, loneliness, and fear.
A BOY, who had mutual masturbation sessions with his cousin, we were the same age, slept together at times and maybe we got into other things also. We were between 10-13 yrs old. This was after the abuse from the family friend took place.
A BOY, who was saved (9 month out of the year)by a knowing neighbor and my Catholc parish priest and put into a Catholic orphanage/home where I was given a home, love, discipline and an education. We were usually about 55-60 boys there per year, grades 5-8. We were either orphans or boys whose parent didn't want us and nobody cared about.
A BOY, who served his country for 22 years (Air Force).
A BOY, who was sexually abused by a gay man who was a friend of my step aunt and uncle, did I participate in it willingly?? I was 17 yrs old and in the Air Force.
A BOY,who became an alcoholic and overcame it, to run away from the abuse memories. I was told that you can't run away from yourself by my councelor, he DIDN'T know my SECRET either.
A BOY,who became a workaholic.
A BOY, who got married at 33 yrs old, had a son and took very good caare of him, I told him everyday that I loved him, I gave him hugs and kisses every day, and when I came home from a (TDY) temporary duty assignment from Korea, for 45 days, I always brought him something to show that I appriciated him and missed him dearly. I still give him hugs and a kiss 'till this day and he's 35.
A BOY, who became a grandfather 2 times in 11 months (boys).
A BOY, who has always since their first 24 hours on this earth has always told them that I love them, give them hugs and kisses too, there 7 & 8.
A BOY, who has in the last few weeks of living in hell, having my deep rooted memories come to the surface, has had a few hours of serenity being and watching those boys.
A BOY, who wants to be them as they are enjoying their youth intact.
A BOY, who is going to finally come to terms with himself.
A BOY, who has 5000+ other (then) boys who have become men to help and guide me.
A BOY, who has indeed become worth something.
A BOY, crying inside begging for help, get with it old man.
These thoughts came to my mind while laying in bed at 0300, I couldn't sleep as my mind and brain have been running overtime in the last two weeks, so I wrote them down. Just why they came out?? Only our higher power knows. I on this coming Monday going to ask my military doctor to get me the help that I need, and to get with it old man. Thanks for listning brothers, we need each other, and we someday to deserve the peace and serinity that we so richly deserve.
Working Boys' Home 10-14 yrs old, grades 5-8. 1949-1953
A very humble alumni of the WOR Dahlonega, GA.
May 15-17 2009, Alta, Sep. 2009. Sequoia, 2010.
Hope Springs, 2010.