Newest Members
tammy m, TheConqueror, Bloom, JohnWC, KKumar
12423 Registered Users
Today's Birthdays
dphoenix1701 (37), jaywiz2009 (69), mato (57)
Who's Online
3 registered (traveler, Jude, 1 invisible), 26 Guests and 5 Spiders online.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Forum Stats
12423 Members
74 Forums
63803 Topics
445532 Posts

Max Online: 418 @ 07/02/12 07:29 AM
Twitter
Topic Options
#241585 - 07/31/08 05:34 PM New user, mistakes I have made
stillholdingon Offline


Registered: 07/31/08
Posts: 2
Loc: Usa
So, I've looked around here for about a month. My husband has just told me he was abused as a child. Lot's of things makes sense now. I've been left in shatters, and guilt ridden.

My husband has been abusive in most ways you could be. He's broken my spirit. I started seperating myself from him. I've been here but not really, we lived in the same house, raised the same kids, and paid the same bills but my heart was no where near his, as he never let me get close, I finally gave up.

It's been about 6 years that I've just been here in being only. Simply gave up. I wanted to leave, but I never wanted my kids to be hurt. I took the abuse, shut down my heart and lived in a crazy world. Should I have walked away? I don't know. I didn't want to hurt him, I didn't know if I could handle the world alone and again, we have kids who deserve to have two parents around.

I didn't know what he was going through. I've made mistakes. I've been with other men, heck I've even been with other woman, sometimes both at the same time. I was never good enough at home, I was never enough for him. Sex, around but very few and far between and always, always simple, quick and boring. I needed more. Much more. I didn't know. I just didn't know. I had no way of knowing. I was at a point where he refused to be my lover, and I decided to stay and keep the family together and get my needs met somewhere else.

Now I know. Now I'm ashamed. Now I want to die. I had always felt justifed. He hit me, he hurt me, he called me names, he destroyed my things, my heart, my world. He embarrassed me, he took what he wanted, only when he wanted it. I didn't know he was a scared little boy. I saw a mean huge man.

I read all you other wives, girlfriends and friends, and my shame goes to a level I didn't even know could be there. Most of you faithful, loving, amazing women. What am I?

I'm still here. I can't tell him the truth. It would kill him. He's working on himself. He's getting stronger every day. He's becoming a new man. He'll be able to look in the mirror someday, I hope, but I don't know if I ever will be able to do the same. For all the same reasons I can't tell him the truth, my kids, my world, his world.

I now wait for your advice, some anger probably, but I hope for some understanding here. Maybe it's to much to ask for.

_________________________
Ash

Top
#241590 - 07/31/08 06:57 PM Re: New user, mistakes I have made [Re: stillholdingon]
Abigale Offline


Registered: 07/16/08
Posts: 28
Loc: Northern NJ
WOW you shore had a lot going on in your life. I am not one to give advice, I am pretty new here. The other members on this site have been great!!!! My husband was abused, he told me some a long time ago. Never was abusive physically, but now occasionally he gets verbally abusive buy saying bad things to me. From what I understand that is how the coping with this comes through. I want to stick by my H for as long as I can. I love him dearly.You should go to therapy together and come clean with everything that has been going on in your lives. Do you love him? If so let him know that. Don't just keep it inside. He won't know whats hurting you and you don't know whats hurting him if you don't talk to eachother.
As I said before just take what I say for what its worth, It is great to come here and vent. I am sure you get some great advice.


Top
#241620 - 07/31/08 10:19 PM Re: New user, mistakes I have made [Re: Abigale]
Junefriday Offline


Registered: 06/05/08
Posts: 113
Loc: Canada
Hi Ash and welcome to the site. I don't really know what to say in response to your post. First, let me commend you for your honesty - it can't have been easy to write what you did. The fact that you are here and sharing the details says a lot of positive things about you.

Maybe you need to follow your husband's example a bit. It appears as though he working on rebuilding himself. Maybe that is what you need to spend some time doing. You've both gone through so much but if he can do it, so can you. Just know that it won't be easy.

Have you considered seeing a therapist? I think it would help you to talk about why you sought the comfort and affection of other people. It wasn't right, but I can certainly appreciate wanting to feel close to someone and just plain wanting to feel attractive and wanted. It is very easy for outsiders to say that you need to "stand by your man" without truly understanding what it is like to do that day in and day out, and get very little in return. Talking to a therapist might help you to validate some of your feelings and will also help you to decide what you really want going forward.

As for his behaviour toward you, yes, he was a scared little boy at some point. But, he is an adult now and he did not have the right to treat you the way that he did.

One thing that a lot of people talk about on this site is establishing boundries. As a partner you need to be understanding and supportive of the things that your husband is going through and how his past impacts his behaviour. However, your needs are important as well and you have every right to clarify what you will tolerate and what you will not. I think now is the time for you to start thinking about what boundaries you want to establish.

Yes, most of us are faithful, loving, amazing women. But that doesn't mean that we don't have our moments too. My husband was away on vacation recently and while I missed him, there were times when I secretly wished there was an accident. I am embarrased to admit it because what kind of loving wife would wish ill for her husband. It is just sometimes the pain of going through this is too much and the constant feeling of rejection does a number on me. It would be easier to accept that I lost him to an accident than to have to continuously deal with this emotional rollercoaster. It is during those times that I am thankful for the people on this site as well as for the support network that I have.

None of us are perfect so don't beat yourself up over mistakes you've made in the past. The key is to starting a new chapter in your book and starting off fresh. I've heard from a number of people here that I can't expect my husband to love me until he learns to love himself. Maybe the same applies to you right now.

_________________________
"Love comes to those who still hope even though they've been disappointed, to those who still believe even though they've been betrayed, to those who still love even though they've been hurt before.

Top
#241628 - 07/31/08 11:03 PM Re: New user, mistakes I have made [Re: stillholdingon]
LittleMiss Offline


Registered: 07/02/08
Posts: 66
Loc: USA
Oh my gosh, Ash, please don't blame yourself. Yes, you did some bad stuff - he did too. Everyone has. We are just people dealing with life the best we can. Someone abused him, so he acted out. He abused you, so you acted out. It is a terrible, vicious cycle. BUT hopefully one that can be broken. You said that he is taking steps towards recovery? Hey girl - that's your cue to take some steps towards recovery too!


Originally Posted By: stillholdingon
I'm still here. I can't tell him the truth. It would kill him. He's working on himself. He's getting stronger every day. He's becoming a new man. He'll be able to look in the mirror someday, I hope, but I don't know if I ever will be able to do the same. For all the same reasons I can't tell him the truth, my kids, my world, his world.


All that stuff you say right there about him - you can say that about you too. And he probably feels just as bad for all the stuff he has done to you as you are now feeling about the stuff you have done. If you guys are taking steps towards bettering this, don't let your guilt ruin it. He feels guilt too. Forgive each other and forgive yourselves.

_________________________
LittleMiss

The woods are lovely, dark and deep. But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep, And miles to go before I sleep.

Top
#241735 - 08/01/08 11:43 AM Re: New user, mistakes I have made [Re: LittleMiss]
NY Daisy Offline
New Here

Registered: 02/29/08
Posts: 183
DO NOT, DO NOT MAKE EXCUSES FOR THIS MAN'S BEHAVIOR. There is NEVER a reason to lay a hand on a woman EVER. He wassupposed to love you, instead You were his victim. all of us here have in one way or another been victimized at one point by their spouses. When my H starts, he always puts me down. I always made excuses for it. My poor H, he doesn't mean it, he is hurting. THAT DID NOT SOLVE THE PROBLEM. It MADE IT WORSE. It made him think that he could do and say anything he wanted,without regard to my feelings, hell at one point he stopped thinking I had feelings at all.

Your H completely crossed the line. You must not worry about him. HE needs to help himself. You need to help you. Are you in T? If not I strongly reccommend it. He has done a number on you. You need to get this all out. You need to find out who you are, and what it is YOU want in life. Can you even forgive him for all he has done? This is a question you will need to ask yourself.

You are wracked with guilt for things you have done in your marriage to survive. You did what you needed to do at the time for your survival. You were being physically assaulted in your own home, you had no where safe to go. You said it yourself, he broke your spirit. He made you, HIM. Everything that he went through as a child, he put on to you. You are both equals in my book. Why is his victimization worse than yours? He has been assaulting you. I am sorry, this makes me so mad.

You were losing yourself in this ordeal, and needed warmth, an emotional connection with someone, anyone, even if it was for a few moments. NO ONE CAN BLAME YOU FOR THAT. Please do not feel guilty. Would you have done any of it, if you were getting your needs met at home?

Please work on you, please keep coming here and talking with us. We will help you. You are the victim I want to help heal right now. Let him deal with his stuff, and you focus on getting all the help for yours. Your marriage will not work if both parties don't heal. your kids are going to need help also. They witnessed their father abusing their mother. They will need help. They need to heal. They are victims also. Please get them help.

Is your H remorseful for what he has done to you?
Get yourself in therapy, talk with the T about what you should and shouldn't reveal to your H about what you have done. It is not always best to make full disclosures, ESPECIALLY if you may be physically harmed by doing it. Plus do you know what he has been doing behind your back for all these years?

I am sorry I seem hostile. I want what is best FOR YOU. Everyone here talks about triggers, and this is one for me. My cousin was beaten by her H all the time, and it killed me to see her go from a vibrant young woman, to a scared little mouse. NO ONE SHOULD EVER DO THAT TO SOMEONE ELSE, EVER.

My post may not be the most popular, but I don't think anyone could really disagree with me, either. Get help, focus on you and the kids, then worry about the marriage, you might find it is not what you want after all, and no one could blame you for that.

Warmly, NYDAISY

P.S. if you would like to PM me to discuss it more in private, feel free. I AM ON YOUR SIDE.


Top
#241746 - 08/01/08 01:13 PM Re: New user, mistakes I have made [Re: NY Daisy]
stillholdingon Offline


Registered: 07/31/08
Posts: 2
Loc: Usa
Thank you everyone. I'm taking everything in and to heart. He's in therapy. I think I'll need to find one. I've just been ashamed. I'm sure the kids have seen things, but physically he never did things in front of anyone. But he yelled at me, degraded me in front of the kids. He was mean to me and didn't care who was around.

All this has stopped. His life is changing and I'm left with the shambles of everything I did.

I can forgive him as long as it stays safe for me. I have no idea what he did or didn't do. Besides the abuse to me he was the pillar. Good worker, home all the time. I have no idea if he did anything else.

There was a time I wished he was so I could not feel bad about what I was doing.

It was not something I did all the time, I went years without love or attention. I would break down, go out, feel bad....go a few more years.....

Thank you all for everything.

_________________________
Ash

Top
#241757 - 08/01/08 01:29 PM Re: New user, mistakes I have made [Re: NY Daisy]
Junefriday Offline


Registered: 06/05/08
Posts: 113
Loc: Canada
Very well said NYDAISY!!

_________________________
"Love comes to those who still hope even though they've been disappointed, to those who still believe even though they've been betrayed, to those who still love even though they've been hurt before.

Top
#241821 - 08/01/08 05:58 PM Re: New user, mistakes I have made [Re: Junefriday]
dangal Offline
New Here

Registered: 02/09/08
Posts: 222
Loc: seattle area
You are around friends here. We all react differently to our situations. My husband was pretty harsh on me for many years. It took me a long, long time to figure out all our issues were not all my fault. I had to stop blaming myself and get strong. I'm in a much better place today, and luckily so is my husband. It takes 2.

I have to say, a therapist is a good idea. Let them help you work out if keeping your secrets are a good or bad thing for your situation. I had to come clean with a few things, like starting a secret bank account, feeling like I would leave and find someone else...those things. I don't think those things would rip apart a marriage either.

I do feel for you. I feel for all of us. We all are or have paid high prices for what someone else did to the man we love.

If you have love for him, then try and work it out. If not try and save yourself, and those babies of yours.

_________________________
~Jen~
Life is to short to blend in

Top


Moderator:  ModTeam, peroperic2009 

I agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole discretion of MaleSurvivor.
I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor resources are AT-WILL, and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for any reason by MaleSurvivor.