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#241593 - 07/31/08 07:43 PM Are You a Survivor?
Barkabus Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/09/08
Posts: 809
I asked someone this question yesterday in chat. I wasn't ready for the answer...

I don't know, It's still going on.

I freaked out, I lost it. I literally almost passed out due to hyper-ventilating. I'm still in shock over this. I was no help to this hurting soul. I am stuck in a sea of helplessness. I am undone, paralyzed, useless.



Edited by Barkabus (08/01/08 01:39 AM)
_________________________
My Story

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#241600 - 07/31/08 08:31 PM Re: Are You a Survivor? [Re: Barkabus]
Kent Offline
New Here

Registered: 08/11/07
Posts: 12
Loc: Denmark
(((Barbakus)))

_________________________
Kernel panick: Can't mount /dev/brain - No such device

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#241607 - 07/31/08 09:39 PM Re: Are You a Survivor? [Re: Kent]
Pete2004 Offline
Moderator
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/06/04
Posts: 958
Loc: North Carolina
{{{{{{MIKE}}}}}}}

_________________________
There is a destiny that makes us brothers;
No one goes his way alone;
What we send into the lives of others,
comes back into our own. (Edwin Markham)

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#241626 - 07/31/08 10:43 PM Re: Are You a Survivor? [Re: Pete2004]
Barkabus Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/09/08
Posts: 809
Thanks guys. I'm doing a bit better.

_________________________
My Story

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#241632 - 07/31/08 11:18 PM Re: Are You a Survivor? [Re: Barkabus]
Bewlayb1 Offline
Guest

Registered: 08/03/07
Posts: 243
Loc: NYC
God, that freaks me out too. I feel like helping him and I feel helpless just like you do.

Whoever it is - CALL THE COPS. RUN AWAY. TELL EVERY SINGLE PERSON YOU KNOW. DO SOMETHING. EVERYONE HERE CARES ABOUT YOU AND PRAYS FOR YOU TO BE OKAY.

I'm assuming this person isn't a child anymore. I'm also assuming that he has a choice. I don't know if he does, but I need to say something.


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#241636 - 07/31/08 11:37 PM Re: Are You a Survivor? [Re: Bewlayb1]
Barkabus Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/09/08
Posts: 809
He told me he is 17.

_________________________
My Story

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#241668 - 08/01/08 01:58 AM Re: Are You a Survivor? [Re: Barkabus]
ak Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/10/04
Posts: 1491
My suggestion would be to report the username, the date and approximate time of the chat discussion to a moderater. They have more access to look into such situations, and perhaps provide help in that manner.

Andrei


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#241673 - 08/01/08 02:48 AM Re: Are You a Survivor? [Re: ak]
Barkabus Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/09/08
Posts: 809
Thanks Andrei. I spoke to Larry (Roadrunner) about it. He's familiar with the situation.

Here's a bit of an update about what I have been going through.
The gravity of what happened last night not only affected me immediately and through the remainder of the evening, it compound itself throughout the day today until I finally had a met down while talking to someone else in chat this afternoon.

I had one of the worst dissociative events I ever had while talking about it in chat. I swear I may have been on the verge of DID. I began talking different, typing completely different. I felt like a scared little boy. What was happening to me? I feel like I lost a lot of ground in my healing today.

I just need to learn from what happened so that I can be better prepared in the future.

Mike

_________________________
My Story

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#241743 - 08/01/08 01:03 PM Re: Are You a Survivor? [Re: Barkabus]
LW1527 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/14/08
Posts: 408
Loc: Salt Lake City Ut
I think we can prepare the best we can that it will happen when we least expect it. It's horrible. For me, triggering is a painful reminder that what we lived through was real and not imagined.

Seventeen and it is still going on. Not much older than my 16 when it was still going on. Very sad - tragic. We all grieve for this boy.

Lance


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#241745 - 08/01/08 01:11 PM Re: Are You a Survivor? [Re: LW1527]
Barkabus Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/09/08
Posts: 809
I was 16-17 while my second perp was taking advantage of me.

_________________________
My Story

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#241748 - 08/01/08 01:15 PM Re: Are You a Survivor? [Re: Barkabus]
LW1527 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/14/08
Posts: 408
Loc: Salt Lake City Ut
God, this hits to the core, doesn't it. Like experiencing it all over again. It sounds stupid,but it's like there's this bond that happens instantly. Feelings unite and we feel each other's pain and sorrow and darkness.

So sorry

Lance


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#241761 - 08/01/08 01:35 PM Re: Are You a Survivor? [Re: LW1527]
BJK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/02/07
Posts: 1526
Barkabus,

I think I was the one who triggered you in chat yesterday. Unfortunately, I saw this post, saw you were online, and jumped into the chatroom to see if I could lend some words of comfort. Instead, what came out were words of discomfort....and I knew it as soon as I said it.

I already apologized, so all I can say at this point is that I understand your pain.

I have to add something, though. I've got a lot of experience on message boards like this one as well as being on usenet since the late '80's when that was all the internet was. I've learned, over that time, to take everything that people proclaim on the internet with a grain of salt. People tend to make things up to feel or to sound important.

Now, I'm not saying that anyone here is lying. What I am saying is that we all need to learn to offer support while taking that possibility into consideration.

One of the most prolific results of our abuse is the fact that we learned unhealthy behaviors. We need to be wary of those behaviors in others while we work to fix those behaviors in ourselves.

Yes, I would do all I can for this 17 year old. However, at the same time, the sadness and the regret I feel for this 17 year old is the same sadness and regret that I feel for all 17 year olds. I can't personalize his situation because I don't know him well enough, but I can be empathetic because of all of his peers that are in the same situation.

I hope I was able to get this through adequately because I am not making any accusations, nor do I mean any disrespect.

Bryan

_________________________
Revenge is nothing more than another way of perpetuating abuse.

What the world needs now
Is some new words of wisdom
Like la la la la la la la la la.
-David Lowery

Having a friend who will keep a secret for you is worthless compared to a friend who won't keep a secret from you.

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#241768 - 08/01/08 01:53 PM Re: Are You a Survivor? [Re: BJK]
LW1527 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/14/08
Posts: 408
Loc: Salt Lake City Ut
I want to be belived when I post here. I spent my life with no one believing or taking what I said with a grain of salt. My ideas, my thought were all discounted as rantings from some lunatic. When someone posts here, I don't want to make that judgement whether I should believe them. I want to believe them as much as I want to be believed. It is called respect and honor.

Lance


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#241771 - 08/01/08 02:05 PM Re: Are You a Survivor? [Re: LW1527]
BJK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/02/07
Posts: 1526
Lance,

What I'm saying is not that you shouldn't believe others who post on here. What I am saying is that you should be prepared for what those others say to not be true....without subjecting yourself to emotional turmoil based on the experiences of someone you barely know, if at all.

It is possible to do both.

Bryan

_________________________
Revenge is nothing more than another way of perpetuating abuse.

What the world needs now
Is some new words of wisdom
Like la la la la la la la la la.
-David Lowery

Having a friend who will keep a secret for you is worthless compared to a friend who won't keep a secret from you.

Top
#241777 - 08/01/08 02:35 PM Re: Are You a Survivor? [Re: BJK]
hogan_dawg Offline
Guest

Registered: 03/26/08
Posts: 492
Bryan I do not understand.

Is there some reason I should not believe the story of this 17 year old person?





Edited by hogan_dawg (08/01/08 02:48 PM)
_________________________
I can say unequivocally that the lie of "To truly heal you must first forgive" has derailed more victims than the abusers themselves.
Andrew Vachs, 2003

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#241778 - 08/01/08 02:41 PM Re: Are You a Survivor? [Re: hogan_dawg]
LW1527 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/14/08
Posts: 408
Loc: Salt Lake City Ut
Boy, this is heavy. I can see both sides here. The thought of having someone here prentending for some reason is, well, triggering to say the least. I mean, we lived in such lies all of our lives. At least I came here trusting and I think we need to go on trusting. Maybe we will be better if we error on the side of trust and if we give emotion and caring for someone who is a pretender, then we are still better for giving of ourselves freely. On the other hand, it's not wrong either to look for a red flag once and awhile.

Lance


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#241781 - 08/01/08 02:58 PM Re: Are You a Survivor? [Re: LW1527]
JustScott Offline
Greeter Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/27/08
Posts: 2582
Eye's Wide Open and Eternal Vigilance.

It's happened before, bound to happen again.

Don't know this person you spoke to in chat, but I usually watch myself and try to keep myself protected.

If I start getting triggered or uneasy, I leave.

Watch over you own safety first.


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#241783 - 08/01/08 03:08 PM Re: Are You a Survivor? [Re: JustScott]
LW1527 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/14/08
Posts: 408
Loc: Salt Lake City Ut
This is really confusing and upsetting. What are the red flags to look for? Why do people do this? Am I too trusting? Must be, look at my life.

Lance


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#241788 - 08/01/08 03:16 PM Re: Are You a Survivor? [Re: LW1527]
JustScott Offline
Greeter Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/27/08
Posts: 2582
Really, just be yourself. You be honest and do what you need to do for yourself. Just let the mods worry about the others.

There is usually something that stands out with people who aren't being honest and eventually they either leave as more and more people call them on what they've said or the mods figure it out and send them packing.

There are a core group of people here that are honest and trustworthy. The longer you're here the better you'll know who they are. Don't let a few bad apples in the past get to you. Currently I don't know of anyone not being honest.


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#241789 - 08/01/08 03:19 PM Re: Are You a Survivor? [Re: JustScott]
hogan_dawg Offline
Guest

Registered: 03/26/08
Posts: 492
Yeah I don't see the benefit of mistrusting off the bat - just gets in the way of empathy, understanding, intimacy, all that good stuff.

I don't mind looking foolish for trusting someone that deceives me. I'll wait until I have reason to disbelieve, then I'll disbelieve.

_________________________
I can say unequivocally that the lie of "To truly heal you must first forgive" has derailed more victims than the abusers themselves.
Andrew Vachs, 2003

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#241791 - 08/01/08 03:27 PM Re: Are You a Survivor? [Re: hogan_dawg]
JustScott Offline
Greeter Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/27/08
Posts: 2582
Exactly. I've had a few that I felt very uncomfortable with at first and thought they were just full of it, just to find out later they they really were being honest. So it's best to just take it at face value until you're given a reason not too.

Great advice Hogan.


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#241793 - 08/01/08 03:37 PM Re: Are You a Survivor? [Re: hogan_dawg]
LW1527 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/14/08
Posts: 408
Loc: Salt Lake City Ut
Thanks. I told you I was irrational today. Thanks for putting up with my fears.


Lance


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#241794 - 08/01/08 03:48 PM Re: Are You a Survivor? [Re: LW1527]
BJK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/02/07
Posts: 1526
I'd say they are rational fears. Thanks for voicing them.

Bryan

_________________________
Revenge is nothing more than another way of perpetuating abuse.

What the world needs now
Is some new words of wisdom
Like la la la la la la la la la.
-David Lowery

Having a friend who will keep a secret for you is worthless compared to a friend who won't keep a secret from you.

Top
#241796 - 08/01/08 03:50 PM Re: Are You a Survivor? [Re: LW1527]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Guys,

Yes, it is troubling when a teen comes to us and is still in a situation of active abuse. What he needs is our absolute support and understanding. But it will make him feel profoundly uncomfortable if he feels he is the cause of alarm and panic.

Please bear that in mind when you are posting. It's okay to talk about your own feelings about the immediacy of abuse, but please do not speculate on the survivor himself. He is a brother survivor in particular need of feeling safe here.

Larry, aka roadrunner
ModTeam Coordinator

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#241797 - 08/01/08 04:00 PM Re: Are You a Survivor? [Re: roadrunner]
LW1527 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/14/08
Posts: 408
Loc: Salt Lake City Ut
Sorry I made a mess here. Perhaps if there are concerns it should be in the form of a PM. I will take responsibility for my part. The last thing I want is for a teen to get scared off. It's hard enough for adults. We all know what it was like being a teen and being in his situation crying for help.

Lance


Top
#241800 - 08/01/08 04:08 PM Re: Are You a Survivor? [Re: LW1527]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Lance,

You're okay, bro. It hits hard when abuse is right there in our face again, and it just takes a bit of focusing to handle it.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

Top
#241803 - 08/01/08 04:23 PM Re: Are You a Survivor? [Re: LW1527]
BJK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/02/07
Posts: 1526
I don't think anyone has made a mess here. These are all valid concerns that need to be addressed including the situation this teenager is in.

The question is, how can we address all of these concerns while not tromping on anyone's individual support?

I stand by what I said...we need to learn to protect ourselves before we try to help others. Every single story on this website hurts to read. They are all painful. My method of coping is to compartmentalize the issue of abuse into one large problem that we can address one person at a time.

Bryan

_________________________
Revenge is nothing more than another way of perpetuating abuse.

What the world needs now
Is some new words of wisdom
Like la la la la la la la la la.
-David Lowery

Having a friend who will keep a secret for you is worthless compared to a friend who won't keep a secret from you.

Top
#241805 - 08/01/08 04:37 PM Re: Are You a Survivor? [Re: BJK]
Marcus Mystery Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/02/08
Posts: 195
It freaked me out bad that everyone was talking about me and I felt like I did something wrong. It's hard to talk about it, and yeah its still happening to me. But Larry told me I should talk about it and ask for the help I need so I want to do that and write a survivor story. Thanks for believing me and wanting to help. i just have to work on not getting so scared here.

Marc


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#241806 - 08/01/08 04:40 PM Re: Are You a Survivor? [Re: BJK]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Marc,

That's a pretty brave post you just made. Well done. We will talk more about things and I'm sure the guys will want to support you and help you as you deal with the situation you are in. I know you have heard it before, but always remember that the abuse is not your fault.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

Top
#241808 - 08/01/08 04:48 PM Re: Are You a Survivor? [Re: Marcus Mystery]
Barkabus Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/09/08
Posts: 809
Oh Marc,

Thank you for saying something. This is very strong and brave of you. I am sorry that I started a thread about our conversation. I needed to talk about how I felt though. I felt horrible for you and your situation. I didn't intend for this thread to go the direction it did. I am very sorry that this has freaked you out and made you feel like you have done something bad.

First of all though, you did nothing wrong. Marc. I hope you can understand that. Yeah, the feelings will get in the way and want to make you think you are bad and did something to deserve this. That's not true though. Not in the least.

Man, I am so glad you spoke up though. It may have taken a while but, you have shown that you have the courage to come forward and talk about it. Way to go! We're here for you bro.

Mike

_________________________
My Story

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#241809 - 08/01/08 04:57 PM Re: Are You a Survivor? [Re: roadrunner]
BJK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/02/07
Posts: 1526
Marc,

Breaking the silence is one of the first and most important parts of recovery. I'm with Larry....you did a very brave thing to post here.

There are some people on this site who are very good at seeing through what people show on the surface. It's one of the side effects of abuse, but let me just say right now that I believe you.

You also need to take steps to protect yourself. Larry can help you with that. He's a good guy.

Bryan

_________________________
Revenge is nothing more than another way of perpetuating abuse.

What the world needs now
Is some new words of wisdom
Like la la la la la la la la la.
-David Lowery

Having a friend who will keep a secret for you is worthless compared to a friend who won't keep a secret from you.

Top
#241812 - 08/01/08 05:07 PM Re: Are You a Survivor? [Re: BJK]
BJK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/02/07
Posts: 1526
Marc,

I also just want to emphasize that I wasn't talking about you in this thread. To the contrary, you are one of us...and you also need to take precautions to protect yourself.

Bryan

_________________________
Revenge is nothing more than another way of perpetuating abuse.

What the world needs now
Is some new words of wisdom
Like la la la la la la la la la.
-David Lowery

Having a friend who will keep a secret for you is worthless compared to a friend who won't keep a secret from you.

Top
#241814 - 08/01/08 05:11 PM Re: Are You a Survivor? [Re: roadrunner]
EGL Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 06/19/04
Posts: 7821
Hi Marc,

It IS hard to talk about it, and you do deserve help to deal with this. And like Larry said, this is not your fault so throwing off any self-blame is really necessary.

_________________________
Eddie

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#241823 - 08/01/08 06:10 PM Re: Are You a Survivor? [Re: EGL]
Trucker51 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/20/08
Posts: 2826
Loc: Denver, CO
Marc:

If you had come to me in public and shared that with me what you shared with Mike, I am one of those guys that would have done everything I could have to make sure that it never happened again. You have already made a lot of progress opening-up and sharing your situation with a great group of guys that care deeply when one of our members is hurting or feeling down.

Trust is a really tough issue both at your age and within our shared community. I will try really hard not to abuse your trust and I believe that everyone here would be willing to stand with you if you asked for our help on any issue.

Welome to our group.

Mark Too

_________________________
"We stay here, we die here. We've got to keep moving". Trucker Mark



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#241836 - 08/01/08 07:40 PM Re: Are You a Survivor? [Re: Trucker51]
JustScott Offline
Greeter Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/27/08
Posts: 2582
We're here for you Marc! Hang in there and keep talking! I does help to talk. I'm sorry you're still in a position of having to deal with all this in the here and now, but I hope that soon it can truly end!

Anything I can do or just lend an ear, let me know.


Top
#241873 - 08/01/08 10:06 PM Re: Are You a Survivor? [Re: JustScott]
Marcus Mystery Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 04/02/08
Posts: 195
Thanks for your comments. When the thread started I thought I was gonna die from panic. I found Larry and he told me to breathe and calm down so we could talk about it then he told me the thread was about trying to help or something, so that felt better. But I was still so scared when I posted and then when I saw the comments it felt weird not bad weird but I dunno.

I was mainly relieved ppl believe me.. I didnít think anyone would be that nice or understanding. I still feel scared but not like before.. its just I was expecting a million bad things to happen but they didnt so I donít know what to think about that.. anyway maybe itís a good idea I talked.


Top
#241877 - 08/01/08 10:17 PM Re: Are You a Survivor? [Re: Marcus Mystery]
Trucker51 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/20/08
Posts: 2826
Loc: Denver, CO
Stay in contact, it is the best thing that you can do. Over time your fears will gradually fall away as you begin to deal with your issues and become an integral and established part of our group. And one day you will look back and notice just how far that you have come.

Just wanted to say again that there is hope.

Stay in touch.

Mark

_________________________
"We stay here, we die here. We've got to keep moving". Trucker Mark



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#241883 - 08/01/08 11:01 PM Re: Are You a Survivor? [Re: Marcus Mystery]
Barkabus Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/09/08
Posts: 809
Marc,

I am REALLY, REALLY sorry. I am responsible for this. For your panic. Please know I meant you no harm. I believed you completely. I did not have one shred of doubt or suspicion when you shared with me. I ached over the pain you are in. It was Lance (LW1527) who connected the dots for me. I panicked because I was being perped when I was your age. Your situation triggered me. And now I know why I was triggered so severely. Now I don't want you to feel bad about that. It has revealed to me how much I have a heart to see guys escape the damage of SA, no matter what stage they're in. I have to be more careful in the future though and guard against being triggered. I know that will be a difficult chore though. I think ultimately good has come of this and will continue to come of this. I want to see you come out of this to a safe place Marc. I want to see you begin a journey of healing and recovery. And I want you to know and believe and take comfort from the fact that you are not alone. We will be here with you every step of the way.

Thank you again Marc for your courage. Thank you for speaking to Larry about this when you were panicked by this thread and thank you for taking the bold steps to begin your journey.

I just want you to know that I have been praying for you intently over the last two days and will continue to do so.

You're in good hands.

Mike

_________________________
My Story

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#241884 - 08/01/08 11:04 PM Re: Are You a Survivor? [Re: Trucker51]
hogan_dawg Offline
Guest

Registered: 03/26/08
Posts: 492
Interesting.

My initial reaction to coming out and telling someone about the abuse was that 'bad things' would happen to me. It kinda feels like the threats and implied consequences that were pointed out to me by my perpetrator, many years ago, coming back to haunt me now if I should tell of the abuse.

The result was a lot of fear raining down on me all at once, after I kind of told someone. The more people I told, the more the rain of fear rained down.

That said, there was a lightness that happened at the same time. So instead of just feeling like bawling in the rain, I got a little lighter on my feet, especially when I found there were other men that shared similar experiences.

The more I connected with resources in my community, and here, and became sure of my footing, the more the fear subsided.

Anyway, the reason I'm writing this is just to echo Trucker and say that it's probably not the case that a million bad things are going to happen. But it won't be easy.

_________________________
I can say unequivocally that the lie of "To truly heal you must first forgive" has derailed more victims than the abusers themselves.
Andrew Vachs, 2003

Top
#241885 - 08/01/08 11:10 PM Re: Are You a Survivor? [Re: hogan_dawg]
BJK Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/02/07
Posts: 1526
I don't think the objective is to avoid being triggered. The objective is to understand why we are triggered and to learn how to deal with the emotions those triggers produce so that the triggers become easier to deal with in the future.

I see that a lot of good work has been done in this thread.

Congratulations, guys.

Bryan

_________________________
Revenge is nothing more than another way of perpetuating abuse.

What the world needs now
Is some new words of wisdom
Like la la la la la la la la la.
-David Lowery

Having a friend who will keep a secret for you is worthless compared to a friend who won't keep a secret from you.

Top
#241903 - 08/02/08 06:02 AM Re: Are You a Survivor? [Re: BJK]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Guys,

I agree with Bryan's observation that a lot of good work has been done here. No one should blame themselves for not knowing or doing this or that. Recovery is all about learning - about ourselves and others, and sometimes we just have to take it as it comes. It's great to see a thread like this where some initial tension turns into something genuinely positive with important results for everyone.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

Top
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