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#241390 - 07/30/08 04:30 PM My Girlfriend And My Struggle
Cobain28 Offline


Registered: 07/28/08
Posts: 15
Loc: Oshawa, Ontario, Canada
I love my girlfriend very much and she has been more than supportive in our relationship concerning almost everything. But we've reached a very strange stage in our relationship once the CSA issue came to light. Since I've found this place she has been getting more and more jealous of it. She expresses that she is jealous because she isn't the one I'm telling all of my problems to and not opening up to her more than I am to the people on here or the forums. She says she feels like she's on the sidelines and I can understand how she feels but feel there's nothing I can do because I feel this is something that I have to do. I feel like I need to be around people who understand what I am going through and have some real solid knowledge on where to go and what to do. Has anyone else experienced these types of things and what have you done to promote a healthy relationship?

Matt

_________________________
"Society, your crazy breed, hope you're not angry if I disagree." -Eddie Vedder-

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#241399 - 07/30/08 05:53 PM Re: My Girlfriend And My Struggle [Re: Cobain28]
NY Daisy Offline
New Here

Registered: 02/29/08
Posts: 183
I am speaking from a spouse's point of view. While it is good that you have found a place where you can share and relate, I know I have felt like your Gf. My H told me 13 yrs ago, and he still shuts me out. When you are trying to be supportive, yet feel like you are sharing more with someone else, or not really sharing with us at all, it makes it so much harder. My H has told me many times that it was none of my business. Of course that's not true,and it hurt to be shut out.

My advice to you, share with her as much as you feel comfortable doing, validate her feelings and insecurities, and tell her to join the site. She needs support with this also, and we are here if she needs to chat.

Warmly, NYDAISY


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#241404 - 07/30/08 06:29 PM Re: My Girlfriend And My Struggle [Re: NY Daisy]
JustScott Offline
Greeter Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/27/08
Posts: 2577
I've been there for sure!

I know the feeling of needing those who understand to talk to, but at the same time, our wives/girlfriends/significant others really should be the one we talk to most. I've struggled with that because it far easier to talk on here than anywhere else.

I find that I also shy away from talking to my wife about these things, because by doing so, it makes me more and more vulnerable to the one person who can hurt me the most. That's tough. But I've found that at least for me, it's been worth it. Sure she can't offer the understanding advice that another survivor can (unless she's a survivor herself) but just telling her helps her understand me better more and more.


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#241459 - 07/30/08 10:58 PM Re: My Girlfriend And My Struggle [Re: JustScott]
dangal Offline
New Here

Registered: 02/09/08
Posts: 222
Loc: seattle area
Have her join! Us girls can support her and you will get what you need and she will start to be able to understand why you need it!

_________________________
~Jen~
Life is to short to blend in

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#241463 - 07/30/08 11:10 PM Re: My Girlfriend And My Struggle [Re: dangal]
Cobain28 Offline


Registered: 07/28/08
Posts: 15
Loc: Oshawa, Ontario, Canada
I've tried to get her to join but I think she's a little weary of all that she sees here. I'm not sure she knows exactly what to think of it all. Maybe she just needs some time to get used to the idea. I hope she does. You're all very kind. \:\)

_________________________
"Society, your crazy breed, hope you're not angry if I disagree." -Eddie Vedder-

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#241467 - 07/30/08 11:17 PM Re: My Girlfriend And My Struggle [Re: Cobain28]
dangal Offline
New Here

Registered: 02/09/08
Posts: 222
Loc: seattle area
Tell her that there is a place here just for spouses and friends and that we are excited to chat with her and listen to her feelings and concerns. This is a very supportive place. Show her this post if you need to. She has things she feels that only other gf's and spouses could understand and help with. Good luck!!!

_________________________
~Jen~
Life is to short to blend in

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#241492 - 07/31/08 04:56 AM Re: My Girlfriend And My Struggle [Re: dangal]
An Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 12/24/04
Posts: 151
Loc: usa
I came across a remarkable book today- i'd heard the guys mention it and read a great deal at the Bookstore, esp. the very long chapter on healing with a patner- It was the Wendy Maltz "healing from Sexual Trauma--- or maybe the title used "sexual abuse"

It was the most comprehensive and definitely Right On writing I've seen on this topic- it dealt with both the under and above ground levels of all this for couples- it was concrete about what to say but also about the understandings that needed to be there so that we can really hear partners and understand our own reactions.

Partners are being called to grow too,--- her want for you to be soley relying on her isn't the healthiest thing for either of you and could indicate some codependency on her part- ALWAYS a well meaning habit, but one that hurts both parties in the end as far as healthy development both individually and for the relationship..

I'd say TRUST YOUR GUT and to me it sounds like it's not an "either-or" at this phase of your relationship. Talking more to other survivors is what you need now and giving yourself the right to take care of your needs before hers is such a step in recovery. yes, their comes a time when transferring that ability to trust and be that emotionally intimate is important to do with a partner , but first steps have to come before second steps- other wise we trip and end up flat on our face!

A bit of a flag to me is what you said about the relationship taking a strange turn when the CSA came up.Trust your gut. I'd say please take care of yourself first. She has the choice to go to a Therapist to look at her growth areas, or to a codependency type group- there's always both parties issues coming up in any relationship. the fact that she is reluctant to go on the boards too, makes that flag wave a bit for me, that she's not jumping at it even just to explore is interesting. My reacton when my friend had told me of his csa was to learn everything i could about how to be a support- and it was clear that encouraging exactly what you're doing was important, and most important. I just hope you trust your gut and take care of your needs first- it's the most vital first step in recovery and a guiding light both suvivors and partners benefit from.

i know this may not be the traditional female response, but to me your recovery is more important than the relationship and to get off the recovery path for a relationship- for any of us, partners or survivors, in my thoughts and feeings, that would be the biggest tragedy. Recovery has to come first.

All support and admiration for your struggles which I think of as successes in process , your struggles will become your successes! Much care, An


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#241578 - 07/31/08 04:29 PM . [Re: An]
bardo213 Offline
Guest

Registered: 11/21/07
Posts: 811
.


Edited by bardo213 (06/21/13 06:08 PM)

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#241637 - 07/31/08 11:42 PM Re: My Girlfriend And My Struggle [Re: bardo213]
Cobain28 Offline


Registered: 07/28/08
Posts: 15
Loc: Oshawa, Ontario, Canada
I am willing to open up to her lynchmob and I trust that she will not use this knowledge to cause me any harm but you said it right there. It opens you up to just about your most vulnerable state. I've always wanted to come across as the pillar of strength that carries her over treachery when things get tough but now she knows that sometimes I may not be able to. I feel like she may see me as less of a man if I talk or that she might get weirded out and leave or something I guess. But I suppose it has very little with me not being a man and more to do with someone else making me believe I am not a man, right?

_________________________
"Society, your crazy breed, hope you're not angry if I disagree." -Eddie Vedder-

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#241659 - 08/01/08 01:08 AM Re: My Girlfriend And My Struggle [Re: Cobain28]
NY Daisy Offline
New Here

Registered: 02/29/08
Posts: 183
if you are willing to open up to your GF, and trust her, go for it. When a man can open up, and show that vulnerability, it is not a sign of weakness,it takes great strength and courage.In my eyes That makes you a great man. NYDAISY


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