Hello... and Welcome to the Mental Health Hotline......

* If you are Obsessive- Compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
* If you are co- dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
* If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
* If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
* If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.
* If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.
* If you are a Manic- Depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer.
* If you are dyslexic, press 96969696969696.
* If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the hash key until a representative comes on the line.
* If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name address, telephone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's maiden name.
* If you have post- traumatic stress disorder, s-l-o-w-l-y and c-a-r-e-f-u-l-l-y press 000.
* If you have Bi-Polar Disorder, please leave a message after the beep, or before the beep, or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
* If you have short- term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss press 9. If you have short- term memory loss, press 9. If you have short- term memory loss, press 9.
* If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All operators are too busy to talk to you.
* If you are blond don't press any buttons, you'll just screw it up.

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"Living well is the best revenge."