I can't really remember all that well when everything had started. It was a long time ago, I must have been 9 or 10. There was another boy who lived a few doors down from me and I don't ever really remember him not living there when I think back. He was a few years older than me and he would always come over and would play with toys or just be kids. Eventually, playing became touching and more. I can't really remember every detail of what had transpired during those years, nor have they ever been completely removed from my memory. Almost daily for many years he would come over and we would do what I knew I didn't like but never had the gumption to outright deny him what he asked of me. When I did I can remember being held down on at least one occasion.
This continued until January 22nd 1994. I can remember this date so well because this was the day my father passed away. He had been sick for a long time and his heart just couldn't keep up with him anymore. This was when I decided that all of this was going to stop. I just refused his phone calls and dealt with the passing of my father. I saw him once, months later and continually ask myself why I even stepped through his door. Maybe just so I could feel wanted or needed in some strange way.
I have spent my time since then, I am 26 now, using drugs, drinking and doing everything in my power to try and make people accept who I am at most any cost. Even through homosexual experiences. I know that I'm not gay, it's just a coping method that I used so at least one certain group of people would accept me. I think.
Only this year have I stopped doing drugs or drinking and anaylzed my unfit coping methods. I think this is beginning of a positive journey even if right now it doesn't feel like it. I guess it's just another story.
"Society, your crazy breed, hope you're not angry if I disagree." -Eddie Vedder-